Is he just not that into me?

[Joyful26]

Ok this is driving me crazy, which has led me to wonder if the root of the problem is he’s just not that into me.

me and DP are mid 40s and been together 6.5yrs.

we both have 2 teenage dc each.

when we met it was totally incredible. There was no doubt we’d be together forever. I didn’t want to get married again particularly but we were saying we would have a celebration of love ceremony so we could still get everyone together and mark our commitment and love etc.

we moved in together 3 years ago which involved moving mountains with our 4 kids, schools and exes.

we managed it and it was predictably mainly difficult/awful.

anyway DP has now moved out but we haven’t split up. He was very aggrieved at having to move out. But now he’s absolutely delighted with his new place, as are his dc. I’m excluded from all that joy, but he’s still storing most things at my place because it’s bigger.

since he moved out 2 months ago I’ve suggested the following things:
loca comedy night
camping with friends and kids at half trrm
canping ourselves in the summer (he doesn’t want to spend money)

it’s been a no to everything.
he’s only said he loves me once- kind of under pressure.
doesn’t get in touch ever. But he’s been spending weekends at my house while he sorts out his house.
he joked our relationship is just parkrun and sex and I cannot get over that.

on the positive side he helps me with everything when he’s at mine: laundry, housework, bins, diy, gardening. And when I say helps he basically does it all as he’s very practical.

but there is no desire to be connected in any way.
he left today with me asking when we’d next see each other. Him not answering, then basically saying in 2 weeks. It makes me feel like shit.

If you want him to be into you again you NEED to match his energy. Don’t beg. Don’t force any heart to hearts about where it’s all going. Just make it seem like you’re happily getting on with your life, as he is. Absolutely the only way he’ll come back.

Yes it’s game playing and yes it’s bloody exhausting to have to do it in your forties. But sadly this is how people work, as much as I wish it were different.

It sounds like you love him loads and will be devastated if you break up so don’t listen to posters here who say oh he sounds terrible, just give him back his stuff. Only how you feel matters.

he joked our relationship is just parkrun and sex and I cannot get over that.

He forgot to add storage facility/free hotel.

He wasn't joking.

I wouldn't be happy if I had moved my teenagers in with another man and then because it wasn't working, the man told me and my teenagers to find somewhere else.

Why didn't you and your teenagers find somewhere else?

Yes, he's using you for storage and sex but I suppose he thinks he owes you nothing and I can see his point of view.

Parkrun, sex and helping around the house while living elsewhere sounds ideal to me.

I think he's given up a little bit on the dream you had together. You tried it, it didnt work out, you moved apart again, now hes busy building and making his new home and routines and settling his kids in. It must have been a turbulent few years from what you said, trying to live all together and then you had to call time on it.
Now he has to focus on the next steps and it sounds like he hasnt got the headspace to include you in that, as you don't have a shared goal anymore.
Maybe its cooling off and will rekindle at a later date, but it sounds like for now he has other priorities centered around his new home and his kids. It might pick back up once both of your kids start moving out but it will be a few years.

Being a couple who don't live together is very common. Being a couple who co-habited, then split the household but maintained the relationship is vanishingly rare, IME. I come into contact with a huge number of households in all sorts of combinations via my work and I can't think of an example where this has been the case. Do you know many IRL? Usually one party moving out also signals the end of the relationship.

Usually one party moving out also signals the end of the relationship.

And one party being asked to leave perhaps doubly so.

It MIGHT have worked living separately if you agreed about the need for two homes, talked about how to keep your relationship alive and planned for a time when you could live together in future without the children. It seems not to have happened like that though, he didn't really see a need to go and is deeply hurt and resentful that you wanted to live without him. So he has bowed out of the relationship, and turned it into friends with benefits.
You might save this by talking very honestly about what happened and what needs to happen next.
BTW, I applaud you for recognising that the blending of families was not going well and deciding to stop.

Not clear if he moved into your home with his DC - and then had to move out again. If so, assume it’s his DC who had to move schools, live in a different place to their mum etc.

If this is the case, he and his DC have been through a lot of upheaval, however much they might love their new home. His head’s probably all over the place: regret for what he’s put his DC through, building a new home on his own again, how to keep the relationship with you going when there’s effectively been a backward step.

Sounds like you both need to communicate more. Instead of joking about Parkrun and sex, he needs to be clear with you how he feels, even if the answer is ‘confused and conflicted’.

IMHO, you need a period of readjustment. You should give him some space to settle into his new home, support his kids and get his head straight. Instead, focus on your DC (who’ve clearly been through a lot too), don’t expect or allow him to do your chores (that’s for you and your DC) and plan trips without him for this year. Plus, ask him to take the rest of his stuff or put it in storage.

Maybe go on the odd date. Then see how you both feel by the autumn.

The thing about abusive people we just aren’t taught is to be repeat offenders they use charm and grooming..so 90% of the time they might be lovely..it’s to keep you hooked. Believe the 10% that’s the real person.

Don't be having unsafe sex with this person..they aren’t your person or trustworthy

Use the 2 week break OP 💐💐💐

OP explained that they moved together to a house in the town where she was already settled, and when he moved out, it was to be closer to his mum. It made sense for him to be the one to move, not OP. She prioritised her children's needs over the wishes of her lover. His children were not happy either.

he joked our relationship is just parkrun and sex and I cannot get over that
Many a true word spoken in jest....

You've split up basically, despite what you say in your OP.
You asked him to move out because things weren't working as a blended family. He didn't want to move out. I don't know what you had tried previously to make the blended family situation work but maybe he feels you didn't try enough and you weren't that into him because rather than work things out/try more things to make it work, you asked him to leave.He then has to uproot himself and his children and move somewhere else when it's not that long since he uprooted himself and his children and you all moved in together.

Either you tried lots of things to improve the situation and they didn't work OR you (both of you) didn't try enough which means that one or both of you weren't that bothered about the relationship.
In either of these scenarios it just wasn't going to work living together and that also means it's very unlikely to work again in the future and it means the relationship has taken a massive step backwards and is unlikely to recover.

I think you should split up with him properly and take a complete break from each other. It sounds like in his head the relationship has ended. It's you who needs to accept that.

I've seen quite a few where the living together hasn't worked, then after one moves out, they keep up the relationship. Especially with kids involved.

Cost of living is involved too. More adult aged kids staying put and there's conflict, and the partner who was saving money and not quite carrying their financial weight becomes superfluous. A lot of people can't afford to financially assist a partner and their kids both. Once the partner is no longer a bit of a drain, the relationship improves.

He’s over the relationship and probably already testing the waters in dating. You need all of his 💩 out of your house and do the same.

If he’s minimising your relationship as a “park run” which is incredibly hurtful and not telling you he loves you and making the future clear - it’s because he’s tested your boundaries, was able to walk all over you and you’re still letting him around. He’s comfortable in your space, using you for storage and you deserve a hell it alot better.

Protect your heart. Tell him all the best and give him a deadline for removal.

You say he was reluctant to move out so really it was a step backward for the relationship. Sounds like it's run its course if he's not keen to make arrangements for the future.

I’ll bow to your experience, then. In mine it’s very rare indeed.

I am wondering if the feelings around rejection of being asked to move out were greater than he anticipated. I think asking him to do this and still wanting the same relationship is unrealistic.

This is confusing me. He's living in a new and separate place with his children and you're living in your old and separate place with your children. He's allowed to come to yours but you and your children aren't allowed to go to his?

It's a no thank you from me. It's an odd example to teenagers about what adult relationships look like and feel like. I know weird set ups can work if they're preferred by both parties but from your description I get the vibe that this is totally not the case for you.

You're not married, I'm assuming you have completely separate finances. It's a clean break I think. Whip that plaster off fast. It's sad because it sounds like it was promising in the early days but it sounds like it'll only get more hurtful.

If only there were some kind of service to help couples who struggle with open communication to learn how to communicate more effectively, perhaps with the guidance of a trained professional who could counsel them through this process...

In all seriousness, communication is a skill which can be taught and learnt. If he won't pay for therapy then yes, as pp said the OP will have her answer. I do think it's a pretty good idea.

Fade. Not even a slow fade. I would get all his stuff out and back to his new gaff and stop comms. create a voodoo doll Reflect his energy.

Honestly? It’s not surprising that it was great at the beginning. No one loves as much as a man who could really do with moving into a bigger place and some help with his children.

I’ve just seen that he’s a sulker. This explains why he hasn’t finished with you properly. Sulkers love having someone to punish. If you weren’t contacting him and seemed cheerfully indifferent, he would hate it. He’s even punishing you by making you store his stuff.

It’s time to tell him that you need him to take all his stuff. He’ll hate that. But realistically you are not the Big Yellow Storage Company.

You need to base your decisions on the man in front of you now, not the version he used to be. That version has gone, never to return.

I would tell him to collect his stuff and finish it.

I would end it now. He will move on and you'll eventually find out he's seeing someone else, so end it before that happens.

OP my situation is not dissimilar in some ways - I lived with my partner for several years, then decided it was the wrong thing for my daughter and I and moved out and got my own place.

We were separated fully for a while but recently got back together. I had been experimenting in dating others, but the truth is I still love him - I didn't leave because the love was gone, it was for other factors, and so I really don't want to be with anybody else.

But I realise that the rejection he experienced was huge, and so I don't expect him, I can't expect him, to behave in exactly the same way towards me.

He won't, for example, say he loves me any more. Even tho I fully believe he does (else why he with me?). I don't expect to be the full focus of his free time and energy in the way I was before - nor do I make him mine.

In a way it is like FWB but not just that - it's underlain with love - but we are a different kind of couple now and if that's what I want (and I do want him more than I want any other) I have to accept the way it works now.

If it ever doesn't work for me, or him, we will of course separate again. So I think it's about being clear on your boundaries and priorities and what you can and can't lice with.

Nobody is obliged to stay with anybody else. You have to have a cool, clear headed look at what your current relationship with him offers you, and decide if your life is better with or without it.

You can't demand that he changes and acts like he did before you asked him to leave. Because really, why would he? But neither are you obliged to stay with the new version, if it isn't giving you what you need.

I hope that makes sense?