Is he just not that into me?

[Joyful26]

Ok this is driving me crazy, which has led me to wonder if the root of the problem is he’s just not that into me.

me and DP are mid 40s and been together 6.5yrs.

we both have 2 teenage dc each.

when we met it was totally incredible. There was no doubt we’d be together forever. I didn’t want to get married again particularly but we were saying we would have a celebration of love ceremony so we could still get everyone together and mark our commitment and love etc.

we moved in together 3 years ago which involved moving mountains with our 4 kids, schools and exes.

we managed it and it was predictably mainly difficult/awful.

anyway DP has now moved out but we haven’t split up. He was very aggrieved at having to move out. But now he’s absolutely delighted with his new place, as are his dc. I’m excluded from all that joy, but he’s still storing most things at my place because it’s bigger.

since he moved out 2 months ago I’ve suggested the following things:
loca comedy night
camping with friends and kids at half trrm
canping ourselves in the summer (he doesn’t want to spend money)

it’s been a no to everything.
he’s only said he loves me once- kind of under pressure.
doesn’t get in touch ever. But he’s been spending weekends at my house while he sorts out his house.
he joked our relationship is just parkrun and sex and I cannot get over that.

on the positive side he helps me with everything when he’s at mine: laundry, housework, bins, diy, gardening. And when I say helps he basically does it all as he’s very practical.

but there is no desire to be connected in any way.
he left today with me asking when we’d next see each other. Him not answering, then basically saying in 2 weeks. It makes me feel like shit.

@stillchasingdereksheppard I had this dilema and opted for my partner not to move in with us. His kids are under 12 and I have one teen and adult child. I was dreaming of it working but reality kicked in and I decided not to. We are still together and are strong and happy. I don’t think I will be able to live with him till my kids are much older. The adult one is at uni but the little one has longer to go :( it’s a price we pay unfortunately:( but I did foresee a blended life with be potential hell
for all involved!

This. Back way away. Good advice above but I'd add one suggestion. For this weekend you're expecting him in two weeks, text nearer the time and say 'got plans this weekend so can't have you round, sorry'. Draw a line. If he has a key, change the lock. He's moved out: he doesn't get to treat your place like his own anymore.

@AnonAnonmystery I took thought it would be difficult but thought that we would make it work.
My kids are only 6&3. His are 14 & 9.
His ex caused so much stress despite us planning the move for months, being very gradual and she was involved and consulted all the way through. She was totally fine with it all until it was a reality and in my perspective was either jealous or felt shit about us becoming a 'family unit' and waged a war with him. I asked him to just play the long game, ignore the drama and plod on and that it would settle but he just couldn't stand up to her. She repeatedly threatened to 'take the children away'. Even when he consulted a solicitor they said she had absolutely no case what so ever and it would never even make it to court but if by some miracle it did the judge would order 50/50 which is what the kids wanted and what they'd done for 5 years!
He still got in such a flap about it he agreed to all sorts of batshit stuff.
Eventually I got fed up of living on egg shells and being stuck in the middle of a childish parenting competition that I asked them to leave but it has been very damaging to the relationship.
I just don't feel the same about the future of the relationship anymore and I guess what I really want or wanted was the family unit.

I should add that a lot of the eggshells was caused by his children being routinely horrible to mine and having to ignore it or excuse it because any pulling up on their bad behaviour resulted in 'i hate this house I want to go to mums'.
Had the exact same back, her new partner has teens and both would regularly come to us on her days as there had been some silly falling out which didn't really warrant any kind of reaction.
Usually over a games console.
In the end I had to prioritise my own children but since we lived separately it feels like I'm single or dating which isn't bad but also have the stress and time drain of a partner without any of the benefits of a family unit.
I guess it's so long until mine are grown up I don't see the point, but perhaps it will be the same in any relationship.

@stillchasingdereksheppard my partners ex is a bit like this. Married but really jealous of us at the same time. When I first started to take the idea seriously I was in a love fantasy bubble but reality is meshing kids together is not their choice or preference. I am hearing you though, it feels like you’ve taken a step back. Maybe you can discuss it with him? You know, living together apart is a thing, not ideal but it works for me and the kids. It gives us a chance to miss each other and do nice things without kids. I still do things with his dc as I’ve know then since they were little. It’s quite lonely though isn’t it? Feel free to dm if you need a chat x

It sounds like you’ve done the right thing.
Really impressed tbh that you did this for you kids.
I think whatever happens next you should take away from it that you’re a really good mum.

Maybe it is a slow fade. Maybe he’s just taking your interest/ love for granted. Stop calling him and arranging things, do other stuff. See what happens.

I know at least 4 families who make it work so that’s rubbish!!!!

I’m sorry OP I think he’s trying to let you don’t gently and has checked out of this situation really but you sound convenient for storage of stuff and sex!

do not allow this you deserve better - raise the bar here!

Doesn’t sound as if you’ve laid it out to him at all, OP. Sorry, but this whole thread sounds like you’ve been simpering around all moony-eyed and passive aggressive over your needs not being met.

No, you don’t deserve the slow-fade after six years together but you also can’t expect coherence from someone unwilling to give it. And if you’re so unhappy then it’s time to take charge of your own life.

‘Listen, Bob. The relationship isn’t working for me anymore. If you want to talk about it with honesty then we can. If not, goodbye.

He makes you feel like shit OP. You need to end this situation right now. He’s using you.

Yes. He is punishing you. Seems like he's a petulant sulker who resorts to the silent treatment.

Let him go. Actually, never mind that - just dump him properly.

It would have been better to have kept separate homes than to blended family. You lived together it didn’t work out so I would concentrate on your children and your home. Is it too big now? Could you downsize?

This is ridiculous. You live 10 mins walk away from each other and can’t see each other for 2 weeks because teens are off school? Surely they are fine home alone for a few hours or they go out with their mates.

Seems to me that his abuse method of choice is withdrawing and stonewalling.

He’s doing this deliberately to frustrate you - don’t chase, beg or plead. Take control and dump him. Give him a deadline to remove his stuff and a consequence.

What was so difficult with the DCs? Was it issues between them or the way he parented his or yours?

He's passed off that you chucked them out (which was the right decision) and has put up a wall. Is it worth staying around to see if it can be chipped away and things return to the way they were before they moved in? Only you can decide the answer to that one.

You made him move out of your shared home when he didn’t want to. Did you think things would just carry on as normal? You call him a massive sulker. Hes rejected and angry and you don’t seem to have considered his feelings at all. I think you are being very unfair.

@Hellohelga
You need to rtft.
He’s always been a sulker and used to ignore the OP for days when they lived together. Not a good role model for her DCs. She’s not the one who is being unfair.

@Joyful26
Well done for putting your DC first and showing them what is very unacceptable in a relationship.

He’s punishing you again now as well as using you as a booty call (and a free storage unit).

You know what the answer is.

He’s bought a house? he’s not moving back in.
End it yourself.

If he had been into you he wouldn’t have moved out. Move on.

Your post is completely confusing. You say when you moved in together, it was predictably awful why would it be predictably awful? Also, then he moved out and you’re not explaining why. It sounds like you split up then is that not the case? Why would he be wanting to arrange things with you now?

I dunno, it sounds like a perfect set-up to me. Being left in peace with my kids, then DP coming over one day a week for Parkrun and a shag and doing all the laundry, DIY and gardening while he's here sounds like absolute bloody bliss!

I'd be questioning an affair!

All the sulking sounds awful (now I’ve read the other posts).

Yep, we need to know why he moved out. It’s impossible to answer without that key detail.

Clean break, OP.

He's giving you just enough to keep you hanging on but not what you need. This would mess with anyone's head and its no way to live.

Yes I agree. Change the locks. Dump his stuff, book a decent holiday with your DC. cancel the camping holiday ("he doesn't like to spend money" I bet he doesn't) and
He was happy when you made life less expensive for him. He resents having to move out and regularly sulks when you don't do exactly as he wants.

He was lording it over you when he said Park run and Sex.
He did it for several reasons

1. re defined your relationship - diminishing it down to those two things
2. underlining that was all you can expect from him from now on 3)saying something he knew you'd find hurtful to get back at you for making him move out
3. pretended he was just joking - because he's such a great guy with a hilarious sense of humour and your reaction ( the reaction he was hoping for) meant that you don't have an amazing sense of humour like him

You feel the relationship has diminished to friends with benefits, because it has, sorry OP. Put a stop to the benefits and don't let him take advantage of you any more. You can have a better life with your DC when you are not having to parent his children too.

Move on OP. Get rid of his stuff, close the chapter. Your children are more important.