Is he just not that into me?

[Joyful26]

Ok this is driving me crazy, which has led me to wonder if the root of the problem is he’s just not that into me.

me and DP are mid 40s and been together 6.5yrs.

we both have 2 teenage dc each.

when we met it was totally incredible. There was no doubt we’d be together forever. I didn’t want to get married again particularly but we were saying we would have a celebration of love ceremony so we could still get everyone together and mark our commitment and love etc.

we moved in together 3 years ago which involved moving mountains with our 4 kids, schools and exes.

we managed it and it was predictably mainly difficult/awful.

anyway DP has now moved out but we haven’t split up. He was very aggrieved at having to move out. But now he’s absolutely delighted with his new place, as are his dc. I’m excluded from all that joy, but he’s still storing most things at my place because it’s bigger.

since he moved out 2 months ago I’ve suggested the following things:
loca comedy night
camping with friends and kids at half trrm
canping ourselves in the summer (he doesn’t want to spend money)

it’s been a no to everything.
he’s only said he loves me once- kind of under pressure.
doesn’t get in touch ever. But he’s been spending weekends at my house while he sorts out his house.
he joked our relationship is just parkrun and sex and I cannot get over that.

on the positive side he helps me with everything when he’s at mine: laundry, housework, bins, diy, gardening. And when I say helps he basically does it all as he’s very practical.

but there is no desire to be connected in any way.
he left today with me asking when we’d next see each other. Him not answering, then basically saying in 2 weeks. It makes me feel like shit.

Very good. She should give over complaining then.

She is not complaining about living separately but because her partner seems to have lost interest in spending time with her but won't either try to fix things or break up properly.

@Joyful26

Honestly, it's time to let go. I think he's shown his true colours loud and clear.

It sounds to me as if he is pretty selfish, even to the point of not thinking of what was best for his own DC, which is living apart, over his own want for 'home comforts' provided by you for himself, and probably them too. It doesn't bode well for a happy future even after all the DC are grown and gone, does it?

Because even adult children can have 'wants and needs' that as parents we want to help them with. And I doubt very much he'd 'allow' you to put your DC's wants or needs above his own wants and needs.

And remember, adult children can end up back at home for many reasons. So even if you wait til the DC are grown there's no guarantee you won't end up in the same situation.

It seems very much as though he's moved on and honestly I think you should do the same and stop torturing yourself.

When you say you were “excluded from that joy” of the new home your DP created with this DCs - what does that mean - did your relationship specifically with his DCs break down?

Omg I didn’t know what negging was so I looked it up.

this is exactly what he’s been doing for the last couple of years. But it’s always wrapped up in a joke so I could never really isolate it or respond to it or deal with it.

but I think it’s really badly affected my self esteem.

in the last two years there was constant conflict with him. He’d have a major bust up almost every week. If it stretched to two weeks I’d always think we were back to normal now and we’d dealt with all our difficulties.

the conflict was always around he thought I wasn’t treating him and his dc fairly enough. While he felt completely comfortable ignoring and almost despising me and my dc.

I honestly thought that by removing the source of conflict (two families trying to live together) we would be fine.

but now with the conflict gone it’s revealed he’s not interested in me at all.

it’s sad because I genuinely did feel utterly loved and adored by him for a really long time. I know all the evidence points to that not being the case, but I feel it so strongly.

🤣🤣🤣 I would have said the same before he moved out!
can I just have the good bits please! 🤣

Pack his crap up and tell him to collect it in two weeks or it's being donated @Joyful26.

He is using you. He's been very clear in his actions that this relationship is over, unless he wants sex.

Get rid of him he’s really more into himself than into you. Run now.

Thanks @stillchasingdereksheppardsorry to hear you’re in the same situation, but you’re right, I definitely haven’t spoken to anyone else going through what I’m going through.

maybe men are very black and white, and when it’s not moving in a linear way they can’t think flexibly and mentally disengage.

yes it’s kind of pointless me hoping to meet someone else as I wouldn’t want to jump in with both feet again. Then when dc have left home etc I’ll be a lot older and have ‘wasted’ these younger years.

Yes I totally feel as if I’ve been simpering around!

yes I’m planning on saying that to him to get clarity or closure.

I guess I can tell he’s checked out, but really hoped we’d magically go back to how it was.

He 1000% withdraws and stonewalls - and it’s been pretty much nonstop for the last 2 years.

the issues with DC’s was him being jealous of my dc and over the top defensive about his dc.

I know 🤣 maybe I need to reframe my mindset 🤣

Yes I think that’s what hurt me about the comment - that it diminished our relationship, which I’d always been idolising as so wonderful

Yes this is exactly how him and his parents see it.

it’s good seeing it from another perspective thank you

Yes I think the big thing missing is no shared goal now

I think this is a tricky one. It sounds like he deals with arguments/conflicts very very differently to you. I suspect he's still reeling from moving out and all the hurt that comes from feeling like his children aren't wanted in a scenario (I totally appreciate that this isn't the full picture, but your description of how it went sounds like it threw up a lot of drama involved in the way the teenagers got on, specifically with one of his). I suspect, instead of him being a grown up and working that through with you, he's ignoring it all, whilst still being angry and hurt and is therefore just not being emotionally available, he's going through the motions but he's mad at you. It's not good partnering, but I think it sounds like he needs some time. If he's otherwise great. You both come with "baggage" from divorce, I wonder if he's scared to be too open with you as there's the chance of rejection again (which he's already experienced from you, as you pushed the moving out button). Meanwhile, you've done the right thing asking him to move out, but he's seeing mixed signals as you've asked him to leave but now want him to love you/prioritise you/show lots of affection (possibly also due to the baggage you're carrying from divorce, as you may have higher levels of need in that area too).

Equally- maybe his feelings have just cooled and instead of being a grown up and saying, he's enjoying having his cake and eating it. The way you've written it, the relationship clearly cannot carry on this way as it becomes a piss take, with him taking what he wants and providing zero love and affection.

I am not sure what I'd do in this situation. I'd possibly have 1 serious chat, where I'd say I felt like he'd cooled a bit, and I needed a bit more affection, but that I understood things were slightly odd with the relationship having to step backwards and that he may be carrying some feelings from this. If he didn't open up, respond in a caring way, i think the best option is to "drop the rope". If you stop messaging, inviting him over, looking at holidays, telling him you love him... then what happens? He either steps into the gap or it all falls away, which tells you what you need to know. I'd try talking before doing this though, and seeing if he can honestly explain how he's feeling.

it was predictably mainly difficult/awful.

Poor children!
You knew it was going to be awful for them but you still put yourselves first and went ahead anyway, to satisfy your own needs.
It seems to work much better for all the children with the new separated set-up.
He is delighted with that so good for him for realising his children mattered.

He’s telling you very clearly what the relationship is for him. Sex. And for that, he’s good enough to clean and sort your house out at weekends. When he eventually moves his stuff out, I doubt he will continue as your weekend housekeeper any more.

It’s hard for you to read his intentions OP as you want to cling on to that early in love feeling which waned for him in the awfulness of the children’s suffering.
And he isn’t keen to rekindle it, hard as that is for you to accept.

With him gone for two weeks, I’d find a bit of self pride, get my act together, and make sure the house work is already done before he steps back in to your home.
It’s up to you whether he comes back for just for sex or just to retrieve his stuff. But I think the relationship may have pretty much run its course from his point of view.

dump him, if it makes you feel shit, sounds like he doesn't make any effort. you need to look at why did he move out why was it a nightmare. deep down you know the answer

I’m not sure you’re as compatible as you think you are. None of what you describe is two people in tune with each other’s needs and with shared life goals.

Sulking and the silent treatment is abuse so this guy would no way be described as my dream man. And you both seem to be a bit jealous of each other rather than supportive and loving.

Sounds complex and difficult to make a judgement on a few paragraphs. I disagree that he only sees you for one thing. I don't think a man would come round and do all your DIY if he didn't have feelings for you- this isn't my experience! I agree with previous posters that it sounds like you have both had a tough few years and of course it has impacted your relationship. Before the move you were in the honeymoon phase, this is the harsh reality, your kids don't get on and you both have to put them first.

I definitely think you need to back off, stop trying to make plans to force the kids back together. Reconnect with friends and hobbies. I don't think all is lost here but you are both hurt. Would he consider therapy? Sounds like there has been a lot left unsaid that needs discussion without argument.

Parkrun, sex and helping around the house while living elsewhere sounds ideal to me.
🤣🤣🤣 I would have said the same before he moved out!
can I just have the good bits please! 🤣

I read the above, but also...in the last two years there was constant conflict with him. He’d have a major bust up almost every week. If it stretched to two weeks I’d always think we were back to normal now and we’d dealt with all our difficulties.
the conflict was always around he thought I wasn’t treating him and his dc fairly enough. While he felt completely comfortable ignoring and almost despising me and my dc.

So, you got Parkrun, sex and help around the house, but there was constant conflict and he 'thoroughly despised your kids"!

JFC! What were the good bits for your children then? Apart from him moving out.

There’s not enough information here. Why did he move out? Was it acrimonious? I think, as others have said, you have split up. You need to talk to him soon.

Completely agree. Why are you still mooning around a man who treated you and your kids this way. Get a grip OP. The move out should have been the end of the relationship, clearly.

I feel sorry for all the kids involved here.

Please don’t expect clarity or closure from someone like this. You need to give it to yourself by making decisions.