Is he just not that into me?

[Joyful26]

Ok this is driving me crazy, which has led me to wonder if the root of the problem is he’s just not that into me.

me and DP are mid 40s and been together 6.5yrs.

we both have 2 teenage dc each.

when we met it was totally incredible. There was no doubt we’d be together forever. I didn’t want to get married again particularly but we were saying we would have a celebration of love ceremony so we could still get everyone together and mark our commitment and love etc.

we moved in together 3 years ago which involved moving mountains with our 4 kids, schools and exes.

we managed it and it was predictably mainly difficult/awful.

anyway DP has now moved out but we haven’t split up. He was very aggrieved at having to move out. But now he’s absolutely delighted with his new place, as are his dc. I’m excluded from all that joy, but he’s still storing most things at my place because it’s bigger.

since he moved out 2 months ago I’ve suggested the following things:
loca comedy night
camping with friends and kids at half trrm
canping ourselves in the summer (he doesn’t want to spend money)

it’s been a no to everything.
he’s only said he loves me once- kind of under pressure.
doesn’t get in touch ever. But he’s been spending weekends at my house while he sorts out his house.
he joked our relationship is just parkrun and sex and I cannot get over that.

on the positive side he helps me with everything when he’s at mine: laundry, housework, bins, diy, gardening. And when I say helps he basically does it all as he’s very practical.

but there is no desire to be connected in any way.
he left today with me asking when we’d next see each other. Him not answering, then basically saying in 2 weeks. It makes me feel like shit.

He is a massive sulker!!!

I had a feeling he was sulking. He's performing 'see, I don't need you'. If you want him back properly, then ignore his sulking, agree it's best you bed in to your new arrangement, prioritise your own families and catch up in two weeks. Don't even ask him when.

I suspect this will work, because I don't think he wants to leave you at all, he's salty as you asked him to move out, and believe it's best for both families.

I don't know why everyone here is kind of gloating over this, it seems to me you are the one who put your family first and he wasn't, so I don't see why there's something vaguely victorious in him stropping off.

It is the best for both of you to get over this hurt time, see if you can reconnect and do so when both of you have absorbed what happens. You never know, after two weeks without him and his children you may find the new status quo now suits you better after all.

I think he was expecting me to laugh- but not really caring if I did or didn’t

You’re flogging a dead horse and he’s using you. As soon as someone better comes along, he’ll drop you like a tonne of bricks.

And why be in a relationship with someone that’s told you he loves you just once in 6.5 years? You’ve got to be worth more than that.

Well we’ve both got our dc over the Easter holidays.
but the old him would have really cared that we weren’t going to see each other for two weeks and would have really let me know how much he wanted to see me and be with me.
now he genuinely couldn’t care less. I didn’t really know what was happening over Easter or when he had his kids which was why I asked

You arent a couple anymore! he doesnt need to keep you posted with what's happening!

The moment he moved out, you were done, i dont get why you dont see this, as his actions are showing you this.

It
Is
Over
Move
On

Yes you’re right I think he feels massively rejected.

I find it hard to have the honest conversation without sounding needy. As his mindset is: you told me to move out. End of. You’ve made your feelings clear.

even though he’s massively landed on his feet and managed to buy an amazing property which sets his kids up for life- which would have been so much different for all of them if they’d stayed living with me.

what I’ve kept on trying to get to is to hear if he wants us to stay together. But the fact he hasn’t answered for 3 months kind of gives me his answer.

He's just using you now as a storage facility ( with sex).
Just tell him to get all his stuff out
Only then still you know if he still wants to see you or not

No I meant he’d only said it once since he’d moved out.

Yes he’s punishing you slowly. Even the jobs might be performative - look what you are missing.

Has he moved far away - why would you not see your partner for 2 weeks.

How has your sex life changed? Do you think he is dating someone else?

I've told you my advice, which is don't ask him again about plans, meet ups or anything. Get busy living your own life over Easter and getting everything up and running for yourself again. Turn notifications off your phone, put Whatsapp on mute and go about your life.

If he comes back and says what are you doing on Sun, just say I've made plans now as you said you were busy, be great to see you soon and get off the phone.

It's a bit game playing but he's sullking and you may end up simply driving him away by clinging at this point.

Then, when his resentment has settled and your stress has settled (as you are panicking he's leaving you), just sit down together and start doing nice things and see what happens. You may get back together, you may not, but you clinging on when so much has changed won't encourage that.

So he was staying for convenience/money saving latterly anyway? That's not a ringing endorsement of his undying love.

This started to end some time before he moved out by the sounds of it

So he’s a sulker, he’s tight with money, he says cruel things to you, and he’s consistently punishing you - but he’s your ideal man?

Honestly, it sounds like he’s negging you and you’re falling for it. (It’s a horribly effective trick if your self-esteem isn’t as strong as it should be.) He might be lovely when things are going his way, but your description of him here tells a different kind of story I think.

I don't understand how you're "trying to get to" whether he still wants to be with you. Just ask the question! You were able to tell him to move out which must have been far more awkward, so just say "we need to talk - when can you spare an hour for coffee next week?". If all the kids are teens there's no reason you can't make time.

Then just say cards on the table you feel like things are very distant and that you want a clear answer on whether he still wants to be together. Don't accept anything other than a yes or no. You can do this!

He's tight with money, he says mean things to you pretending it's a joke, he sulks, he's resentful rather than seeing you managing a bad home situation as a good thing, his shit's still in your house, it kind of sounds like he was using you for a cheap place to live.

This guy is not the guy you saw at the beginning of your relationship. This is the guy you're getting at the end. It sounds like the 3 years of hellish living together took its toll and when you made he and his kids leave, that was it for him. You made things easier and cheaper for him and if you won't do that, he will treat you badly.

Did you have a talk or talks when he moved out about what your relationship would look like? Would you stay pretty much the same, that you would still be together just living apart or this was a stopping point. It sounds like for him, it ended when you made him leave and this is just him getting sex on demand and free storage because he's looking to get back at you a bit by keeping you dangling.

Don't have sex with him again.
He could even have met someone else and is having an affair with you .
It isn't a relationship any more.

No he lives 10 min walk away.

jt because we’ll both be with our children so we’re trying to focus on them now.

By saying he's a sulker, you and others are diminishing his feelings - aggrieved after you kicked him out

yes this all rings true. So yes we talked a tiny bit but barely at all as he moved out. But his main question was whether I saw a future for us, if so he’d live in my town. If not he’d live where his son’s mum lives and make it easier on his son.

but he’d also made a life for himself here in the 3 yrs we lived together, and his other child wanted to stay. So it wasn’t only for me he bought here.
but if I said it was over he would have gone back to his old town.

I definitely feel like he’s punishing me with it all- because that is consistent with his behaviour we lived together.

he was ALWAYS sulking and trying to punish me by not talking to me over some perceived slight.

I know you’ll all say he’s awful then, I guess it went hand in hand with hugging me and loving me the rest of the time.

I think trying to blend your family with teen dc is difficult, you’ve done it and it didn’t work, it puts alot of strain on the relationship. As you’ve kids are dc you could both easily meet up one night in the holidays for dinner, teens do not need round the clock care in fact enjoy having the house to themselves. You could suggest that and if he says no, that’s the answer to your question.

To be honest I wouldn’t pin my hopes on him, there were other reasons why he’s stayed near you.

he was ALWAYS sulking and trying to punish me by not talking to me over some perceived slight.

This is why it didn't work, I'm not sure why you're chasing him? Well done for getting him away from your DC, now you just need to get him away from you, which he seems to be managing all by himself. Let him.

Too bad you didn't really clarify what his moving out would mean for your relationship. Was this a split or just a move with you still together. In his eyes, you're the bad guy who made him stay in the area and He's the victim because you made him move out. He's likely really resentful you made his life harder by accepting that moving in together didn't work for your family and acted accordingly. I don't think he feels the same as he did. Too much water of resentment under the bridge. He sounds like the kind of guy who holds a grudge when things don't go his way.

He stayed because one of his kids wanted to stay, his son was probably not set on moving away, and you're conveniently there when he wants sex and adult company.

You did nothing wrong. Your home life was awful because your families didn't blend and you acted to fix that for your kids and you.

Get his shit out of your house. Then, let him be. Stop calling and chasing. Find stuff to do on your own. His feelings are his to manage and you can't fix them. You could have the talk about where things stand when he gets his shit but he sounds like he's avoiding that now. If he won't communicate, just be done.

I definitely feel like he’s punishing me with it all- because that is consistent with his behaviour we lived together.
he was ALWAYS sulking and trying to punish me by not talking to me over some perceived slight.
I know you’ll all say he’s awful then, I guess it went hand in hand with hugging me and loving me the rest of the time.

Well... duh, of course we would say he's awful because he actually is! It's called the cycle of abuse for a reason and the more you post the more it becomes obvious you were/are in a relationship with an abusive man. Start reading up on emotional abuse and you'll see his toxic behaviours listed. Any website will do but Relate, Refuge, Women's Aid, UK gov, your local council, age concern are good starting places.

I don't have any advice but came along to say im in the same situation and haven't ever come across someone else in the same position.
We were engaged and so happy. Blended family took its toll and we decided to live apart.
The relationship has massively gone downhill since and neither of us are happy.
I have no idea if I should push on and hope it improves in time and space or just sack it off and decide a shared life didn't work and thus the relationship ran it's course.

It leaves me with so many questions. Am I ever going to be able to have a relationship now my children's father and I are separate?

It's shit isn't it.

I hope you find some happiness either way.