Is he just not that into me?

[Joyful26]

Ok this is driving me crazy, which has led me to wonder if the root of the problem is he’s just not that into me.

me and DP are mid 40s and been together 6.5yrs.

we both have 2 teenage dc each.

when we met it was totally incredible. There was no doubt we’d be together forever. I didn’t want to get married again particularly but we were saying we would have a celebration of love ceremony so we could still get everyone together and mark our commitment and love etc.

we moved in together 3 years ago which involved moving mountains with our 4 kids, schools and exes.

we managed it and it was predictably mainly difficult/awful.

anyway DP has now moved out but we haven’t split up. He was very aggrieved at having to move out. But now he’s absolutely delighted with his new place, as are his dc. I’m excluded from all that joy, but he’s still storing most things at my place because it’s bigger.

since he moved out 2 months ago I’ve suggested the following things:
loca comedy night
camping with friends and kids at half trrm
canping ourselves in the summer (he doesn’t want to spend money)

it’s been a no to everything.
he’s only said he loves me once- kind of under pressure.
doesn’t get in touch ever. But he’s been spending weekends at my house while he sorts out his house.
he joked our relationship is just parkrun and sex and I cannot get over that.

on the positive side he helps me with everything when he’s at mine: laundry, housework, bins, diy, gardening. And when I say helps he basically does it all as he’s very practical.

but there is no desire to be connected in any way.
he left today with me asking when we’d next see each other. Him not answering, then basically saying in 2 weeks. It makes me feel like shit.

“he joked our relationship is just parkrun and sex”

Never a truer word spoken in jest.

Yes it sounds like he’s emotionally left the relationship already.

he was ALWAYS sulking and trying to punish me by not talking to me over some perceived slight.

So unattractive. Throw this one back OP.

I am sorry, he does not seem to be the man you thought he was. You need to move on and for that to happen, his stuff needs to go.

It might have been the right decision for your DCs and DSCs, but you've both hurt each other in the process. The only way past this is talking properly and acknowledging your hurt. What's wrong with coming across as 'needy' if you think he might still be the love of your life? His doing all the practical stuff at yours as well as his own house looks like either a performative 'look at all I'm doing when you treated me so badly by kicking us out' or guilt at leaving you or him feeling rejected & angry but keeping a place in your life whilst avoiding connecting with you or a mixture of all this. You won't know unless you talk. You will regret it all your life if you just stick your head in the sand, assume selfish ill-will on his part, & let it all go tits up.

his stuff needs to go.
This, basically.

Then I don't think you'll see much of him if you're not servicing his needs and I think he'll make you the bad guy. Find a new parkrun!

I'm so sorry but he is using you for storage and the occasional sex. Looks like it's all on his terms too! He probably still cares about you but it's definitely not love.

I have to agree. He literally told you this, after moving out and won't ever commit to the next time he will see you. OP end it and tell him to get his stuff (which is taking the piss btw, to have it at yours in storage).

It'll either stop you wasting your time and it'll rip off the band aid faster, or he will stop taking you for granted pronto. Either way it'll lead to positive action in one direction or other.

Ok, am I the only one that feels sorry for this guy??? You seem to have been the one calling all the shots up until now and now don't like it because he's not mooning over you! He uprooted his life and his kids lives to move to your town and presumably your house. This wasn't The Waltons happy family because a houseful of teenagers is hell in any scenario. You then decided he and kids needed to leave, uprooting them for a second time. Now you are jealous because things have worked out quite well for him and the kids and they seem happy but you still expect the same relationship you had before? Honestly you sound extremely needy and selfish. He still does all the chores around YOUR home as well as his own and trying to mend his relationship with his kids because it's his fault their lives were uprooted and all your bothered about is a few boxes of stuff and the fact he won't commit to camping and returning to the awful family dynamics he escaped from. Just back off and let him get his act together. If you do continue to " date" then do so but don't involve the kids. If you start making ultimatums now or playing childish games he will be gone forever.

I know you’ll all say he’s awful then

Doesn't really matter what we think. He's side lined you. Either you accept his breadcrumbs or you give up on him. Your choice.

I got breadcrumbs from my ex. I loved him so I put up with it for a bit. But slowly slowly, it killed my love for him. Thankfully. He regrets it now (we're still friends which I'm fine with, because I no longer love him) but he did it himself by not making our relationship a priority.

*Edited to say, ex was the love of my life. No longer.

The is exactly the right way to handle this situation x great advice, it takes a very strong person to do it though

@Joyful26 I know it's difficult but you need to end this. The sulking is bad enough. He's not as committed now.

Can you manage the chores by yourself? Or get dcs to help?

he was ALWAYS sulking and trying to punish me by not talking to me over some perceived slight.

And you thought he was worth uprooting your life & the kid's lives for?

I'd give him something to sulk about and dump him, tell him to find alternative storage for all his stuff.

Hang on this makes no sense. Aren’t your kids late teens now? They’re hardly going to want him hanging around 24:7 are they? Why wouldn’t it be possible for you to spend the day together or at least go out for a walk/ dinner?

Separating the households because the kids hated it sounds like it was the right thing to do, but focussing on them to the extent that you aren’t able to go out for the evening seems like a overreaction.

I think you need to have “the talk” and stand up for yourself. Tell him you know it’s been difficult and that if he wants to end things you’ll understand but you need to know what’s going on. You won’t be treated like a friend with benefits just because you’ve taken a decision in the interests of both sets of kids. If he’s just struggling to articulate how hurt he feels or something else then you might be able to work through it but if he still won’t be clear a trial separation might be best (in which case, obviously, he takes his stuff back and you don’t have sex).

It's really rare to hear anyone admit that blending families isn't working, and rarer still for one or both parents to be willing to unpick the co-habitation and move out without breaking up. I have a lot of respect for you both for this. The problem is that everyone is very used to relationships running in a clear linear direction towards co-habitation and because your situation is rare there are very few examples around of how to make it work. You need to work together with a counsellor to redefine what your committed, but not co-habiting, relationship looks like. If he won't engage with this process then you will have your answer.

I would tell him to get his shit out of your house by the end of Thursday and draw a line under the whole thing. He sounds terrible, l can’t stand sulkers

Yes, just you

You've been demoted to the position of 'friend with benefits' (FWB), you're either super OK with this arrangement or you give him the boot.

I agree with a lot of this but I don't think they need counseling to redefine their relationship. First, he sounds too tight to want to pay for counseling and she's likely spent enough money on him. Second, being a couple who doesn't live together is a fairly common choice. It shouldn't require such a large adjustment. But what it does require that neither of them seem to be good at is open communication.

I respect OP's choice in seeing that the living together wasn't working and she took the necessary steps to end that. She put her family first and he seems to resent that.

I dont like the sound of him op. He sulks , he can't be bothered to communicate with you properly and is using your home as his free storage unit. The vision you're holding onto is him in the early stages of your relationship. Focus on how he's behaving right now.

I'd also put money on his new place not being as amazing as he's saying , it especially won't be when you give him back his boxes of crap.

he joked our relationship is just parkrun and sex and I cannot get over that.

I can almost guarantee that this was not a joke, and he absolutely meant this.

I don’t quite understand - he has moved out but you have not split up?

I think you are right - people who are into each other don’t move out of their homes together. It sounds as if you need clarity on your relationship status and he is too weak to give it (wouldn’t be the first.)

he moved out because living as a step family was basically a nightmare.
I think most people have a similar experience. Trying to blend with 4 teens is almost impossible.

I think new relationships can be exciting and you get caught up in whats going on. However when the dust settles and you have to worry about all living together i think things can loose their shine really quickly and it makes you wonder if you've done the right thing.

You say you asked him to move out because living together was a nightmare yet you didn't want the relationship to change. How would this even be possible?

You say he's absolutely delighted living with his DC's in their new space which is the right thing for him to do - why wouldn't he put his kids first?

I think living as a blended family could be very complicated and the issues go far beyond your immediate family.

Perfectly possible to decide it's not working and decide to live separately and continue the relationship. He seems to be solely focused on what benefits him though. Next time he's ready for a shag and park run, tell him no, you have plans. Ask him if he wants to meet for a proper conversation about how your relationship might work going forwards, but it sounds as if he's already moved on and is just enjoying a few residual perks. You deserve better OP.

I'm sorry but it seems from your post that this relationship is over. I'd cut ties completely and move on.