Is he just not that into me?

[Joyful26]

Ok this is driving me crazy, which has led me to wonder if the root of the problem is he’s just not that into me.

me and DP are mid 40s and been together 6.5yrs.

we both have 2 teenage dc each.

when we met it was totally incredible. There was no doubt we’d be together forever. I didn’t want to get married again particularly but we were saying we would have a celebration of love ceremony so we could still get everyone together and mark our commitment and love etc.

we moved in together 3 years ago which involved moving mountains with our 4 kids, schools and exes.

we managed it and it was predictably mainly difficult/awful.

anyway DP has now moved out but we haven’t split up. He was very aggrieved at having to move out. But now he’s absolutely delighted with his new place, as are his dc. I’m excluded from all that joy, but he’s still storing most things at my place because it’s bigger.

since he moved out 2 months ago I’ve suggested the following things:
loca comedy night
camping with friends and kids at half trrm
canping ourselves in the summer (he doesn’t want to spend money)

it’s been a no to everything.
he’s only said he loves me once- kind of under pressure.
doesn’t get in touch ever. But he’s been spending weekends at my house while he sorts out his house.
he joked our relationship is just parkrun and sex and I cannot get over that.

on the positive side he helps me with everything when he’s at mine: laundry, housework, bins, diy, gardening. And when I say helps he basically does it all as he’s very practical.

but there is no desire to be connected in any way.
he left today with me asking when we’d next see each other. Him not answering, then basically saying in 2 weeks. It makes me feel like shit.

I take it you asked or made him move out - “He was very aggrieved at having to move out”.

Now he’s using you for free storage, convenient Parkrun and sex, until he’s fully settled in the new place he’s apparently delighted with. I mean he’s literally told you that. Both in words and actions.

Stick his stuff on your driveway and tell him if it’s not gone in 24 hours it’s going to the tip and you’re done.

Sounds to me like he has prioritised his kids over you, which is fair enough.

But you need to stop enabling him though with all this house storage nonsense.

He might be all you want from a guy, but he doesnt feel same.

100% this, he now sees his life as so much easier not having the OP & her kids in his life. Which may sound harsh but is the reality.

You have rightly put the welfare of both sets of children first. It sounds like it simply wasn't working out for you all to live together, and now both of you can have a house, space, and time away.

He didn't choose this and will be resenting you for it, so now he's basically saying he's happy, a bit sulking (see resentment) and generally saying to you -see this is what you could have had and now you can't. He's also going to be genuinely busy as there's more for him to do now with his own children.

I'd call his bluff. He's happy, taking space, being independent, coming over on Sun for Parkrun and sex. I'd say- you know what, I agree, we need a bit of time apart at the moment, I'd like to take some space too. Stop calling him all the time, stop asking him when you will get together, say you agree that things have worked out for the best and then get on with living your own life with your own friends, family and children.

Either he does want to be in the relationship and is just a bit miffed at being moved out and he'll start wanting to do things again, or he's taking this opportunity to move on.

Either way, let him go, he'll come back or he won't. Do things for yourself and your family, and don't fall over yourself to help him, his family and just build the life you want. If you end up single, you'll be glad you did this, and if you end up back together, you'll have a different attitude.

It will be a period of adjustment, and feelings are hurt, and you need to go through this to see what's left.

The thing is that none of us exist in a vacuum. It's all very well to say "we're perfect for each other but blending four teenagers was too hard" but the reality is that if it doesn't work when taking your/his DC into account, then it doesn't work.

He is over you; you have to catch up and move on.

Agree with all this, but the OP wont stick his stuff on the driveway, it is the only tether she has to him.

I imagine if she did stick his stuff on driveaway he would say "no problem" come collect it without batting an eyelid.

It's a soft breakup on his side.

You said he was really aggrieved when you made him move out. Even though it was the right thing to do as the families didn't blend and it sounds like there was a lot of conflict in the 3 years you all lived together, he held that against you. He moved into yours and he was comfortable. It sounds like that was more important to him that the conflicts.

Now he's settled into his new place. You're free storage and sex when he wants. You're still saving him money.

You said He doesn't want to spend money. Was he not paying his and his kids' way?

He might feel you broke the relationship when you made him move out and he had to spend his money. He might just see the relationship with you won't ever work. But he's over it. He doesn't want you on his new home, he doesn't want to go camping with you, he told you dead straight that you were for parkrun and sex.

Put his shit on the drive and be done.

I’m sorry and I can understand your reasoning that the blending family didn’t work so being apart could work and reconnect later - honestly if the kids weren’t taking to it it sounds like a reasonable way forward. The trouble is you then both became kind of single in terms of getting back your own family space and sounds like he’s enjoying that and wanting to be single romantically too. The toll of the stress of moving and the kids unhappiness may have impacted your relationship to the point where the will isn’t there anymore - what you described are the actions of someone who does not want to remain committed but feels obliged to still be of practical support etc.

I think sadly this relationship has run its course but he doesn’t want to pull the final trigger. I don’t think I’m either of you did anything wrong but it looks like the writing is on the wall.

He was very aggrieved at having to move out. But now he’s absolutely delighted with his new place, as are his dc. I’m excluded from all that joy,

sounds like you wanted him to leave and now he has a better life without you TBH

What on earth happened?
lt sounds as if he is satisfying his need for connection some other way- you need to talk seriously, and soon.

If you can't make it work around your DC after 6.5 years, it's never going to. Even as adults they'll hate being around an enforced family set up.

Gently, you need to set him free and save yourself from getting even more hurt. He's just using you and delaying the inevitable.

That’s EXACTLY how I feel- like I’m just an option rather than the love of his life (which is what he used to call me)

When he joked that your relationship was parkrun and sex, was he expecting you to laugh and agree? Or did he say it trying to hurt you?

You asked him to move out, (rightly so, bravo for prioritising your DC) and he's taken that as an ending.

He told you you were just Park Run and sex. He wasn't joking, there lies your answer. It would be difficult for most people to move in, then reverse and for things to remain solid without a lot of work from both sides to keep it that way.

Well he’s not going to move back in so I’m not sure where you both think the relationship is heading. You’re best to cut your losses and meet someone who is worthy of your time

He said see you in two weeks? And you think you are in a relationship? He has moved on really. If this was just so the teen kids didn't have to live together you would think he would be at yours or you at his several times a week, or meeting up for coffee, lunches and dinners regularly at least. How is it he decides you're not going to meet up for two weeks with no discussion?

You need to withdraw move on. Start living for you. Otherwise it will end permanently do not be so available show you don't need him. He will either decide he wants to fight for you or not

But you arent the love of his life anymore, you are his ex who he lived with for a few years.

I thought it would be better for the children to live separately, but move back in together later on.

So are you saying that you asked him to move out, after several years of cohabiting? And then carry on the relationship as if nothing had happened?

Was it your existing house that he and his DC moved in to, or a new place that you all moved to together? Let's face it, him moving with his DC to you, then moving out again is two major upheavals to be dragging his DC through. If him moving out was your idea then I can see why he's being a bit distant with you. And even though he's moved out, he's still doing all your domestic stuff for you when comes round to visit? I'm sure you're not the only one feeling a bit rejected here.

You can probably recover from it, but it's going to need a very honest conversation from both sides. Then try to focus on what the future will be like, once you're in a position to live together again (but don't be surprised if he's not willing to risk it again - once bitten, twice shy).

If he's just coming over to sort his belongings out, parkrun and sex, don't let him! Put the stuff in your car and ship it over there. Say you agree to taking some time out, a couple of weeks, and then don't have sex with him during that time, endless phone calls or go to parkrun and meet up, just don't bother with him at all.

He needs to know what it will be like without you in his life. He may be happy (as some on here have suggested but I think that's far from clear) or he may feel there's something missing and want to reconnect with you.

Either way, he's licking his wounds from being moved out of yours and you will be better off setting him free and seeing if he comes back (I reckon he might) rather than chasing after him and trying to recapture what you had- this has to be built again and it may take a while or it may be all over.

Get on with your own life, let him wonder where you are for the next two weeks.

I would send a text that said 'it feels like you are taking a step back right now, and I understand that you need to establish your life with your family in your new home. I also need to take some space right now whilst you do that, as I'm getting upset and hurt. Let's connect again when we've sorted ourselves out, I love you' and then go out and turn your phone off for a good long while. No checking on him, no popping meals over, no sex, no arrangements. Just let him have this two weeks.

At least this way you will know.

No he didn’t want to move out because it would make things more expensive for him- rather than any desire at all to all be a family etc.

that cemented my view that he should move out, as it felt he only cared about what was best for him and his dc

Op Its at an end time move on.

Good luck

Surely she prioritised her kids over him. He was aggrieved at having to move out and probably still feels aggrieved while enjoying new found freedom. He probably seems himself as pretty much single. Able to watch as much sport as he wants, do his own thing. May be seeing other women.
Instead of working at the difficulties, OP has sabotaged her relationship with this man