((TW SA)) To feel deeply ashamed and shocked

[CheeryLimeFawn]

I need honest outside perspective because I feel deeply shaken and humiliated by what happened.
I had blocked a man I’d been in an on/off situation with after months of inconsistency, silent treatment, vague behaviour and emotional stress. I was already not in a good place mentally before this happened.
He then turned up unexpectedly at my house early in the morning. The problem is my house was in a truly awful state. Not just untidy, properly bad. I feel ashamed even writing it. But there are reasons for it. I am juggling two jobs, I have an autistic child, I have ADHD, and I had been struggling mentally on top of that. Things had built up around me and I had got overwhelmed to the point where the house was reflecting how badly I was coping.
So when he arrived, I felt instantly exposed and panicked. It was like my worst private shame was suddenly there in front of someone who had already hurt me a lot. I keep wondering whether seeing my house like that made him judge me, lose respect for me, or decide there and then that he wanted nothing to do with me.
Things then turned sexual, but I did not feel properly safe or comfortable in it. I was already emotionally overwhelmed and not in a clear state. Afterwards I panicked badly and was asking him to open his phone because I felt something was off and I needed reassurance, but he refused.
What I cannot get over is what happened next. Instead of reassuring me or dealing with me directly, he then blocked me everywhere and contacted my family saying I was unwell.
That is what feels so cruel and damaging to me. He saw me at one of my absolute lowest points, in a house I was already deeply ashamed of, knowing I was overwhelmed, and instead of handling it with care he cut me off and involved my family. I feel humiliated on every level.
Part of me keeps wondering whether the state of my house triggered him to leave me or see me differently. But another part of me thinks that whatever he felt, the way he handled it was harsh, abandoning and deeply upsetting.
Now I was fine before this and now I feel deeply depressed and anxious ,the sex was not consensual I told him no several times and he insisted I do a certain act to him which I did as I felt pressured but stopped as it felt bad ,I feel used and discarted plus deep shame for my house

100% this.

So what about imagining how happy they’d be if they visited and weren’t faced with a shit show of mess?

Please stop making this thread about you it’s not appropriate. OP should be the focus.

A woman is statistically at her most vulnerable after ending an abusive relationship. You may not have acknowledged the abuse but it was evidently there, hence the fact he felt able to walk into your home and rape you. He did all of this as a form of revenge, because you had blocked him and he wanted to take control of the situation. He then blocked you because he felt he had won. He’s dangerous and you should contact the police.

So concerned he demanded sex acts before contacting her family?

Stop fucking derailing the thread!

OP is already fixating on the state of her house being the problem when to anyone with half a brain it's clearly the fact she was raped that's the real topic she needs support with right now.

All you're doing is piling on guilt. Do you think that's a benefit, while you make out you're concerned about her health.

Read the full thread where she describes the challenges with her child and the usual state of their home.

I read this completely differently to many posters. He’s clearly not a nice partner and treated you badly but you told him no more and he wanted to proceed with the contact. He came over and you were thrown and overwhelmed. To me it’s likely that’s where it all started to unravel. Your behaviour was strange- it doesn’t have to be articulated, or explained, it was strange. It’s not your fault, but it’s a red flag to people who have a clearer head than you OP.

of course, like any normal person, you didn’t want to have sex or foreplay in a load of mess, but that happened- only you know what happened there, I can’t personally see that you’ve told us you were raped but I wasn’t there either. And honestly OP, knowing as we all do how badly rape victims are treated the last thing I’d throw into your life right now is a police investigation.

finally, he knew there was something really wrong and contacted your family- it is hard to see how this could come from anything other than concern. Maybe he didn’t even think your house was particularly messy, but your behaviour was strange.

it sounds like you do need support and OP this can be without judgement.

I have a cleaner. I am trying to show that the op is just a person with adhd and the slut and other shaming of her that’s going on here is unfair and judgemental.

op please do reach out for support. It isn’t you. You have done nothing wrong. That man is a rapist.

To all of the ppl saying things about the care of my child and my house ,AT THIS MOMENT I AM WRITING THIS POST MY HOUSE IS CLEAN ,for a whole year he has seen my house be very clean ,he has seen me do housework everyday ,that state of house was only those days due to many reasons including him and the distress depression he caused for months of manipulation

Perhaps he was shocked by the house then, but this has no relevance to his appalling behaviour. He has been vile to you.
BTW, Sometimes emotional distress expresses itself by letting go self care including not cleaning the home. It's something social workers look out for. Nothing to be ashamed of.

That's true. But again, you have to find strategies so that you don't neglect your children. I know about executive dysfunction, neurodivergence and parenting, I raised a DS with one ADHD man and I am married to another and step mother to his kids. Neglect is not acceptable, and OP is in denial. Nobody's house gets that bad within a week after being 'deep cleaned' even with an autistic child. As a social worker I often see horrendous houses and the parents insist they 'deep clean' weekly or blame the children for making a mess and it's all denial and deflection. OP doesn't need more of that.

The OP is clearly vulnerable and this man has gained entry to her house by her letting him in!

The house is a state and her child is somewhere in there while her ex is trying to coerce her to have sex with him.

I‘m pointing out the wider picture of the state of the house as well as her metal state. There is a young child involved here. Mum needs some consistent help and a way to ensure this man doesn’t return.

You certainly did read it differently.

Try again and focus on the very clear language where she describes not wanting sex and telling him multiple times.

Stop please.

what you’re doing is focusing on me trying t9 explain that since the op has adhd and a son with autism who was in meltdown and is working 2 jobs, the state of her house is not the issue and is understandable.

the rapist is the issue.

@Itsmetheflamingo
My head is not clear not so explain how my behaviour comes out as strange it might help me gain clarity

And you think your judgemental comments are helping OP?

The op has been raped and this is what you come at with? Really?

the victim blaming on this thread is disgusting.

Absolutely this!
Those who don't deal with ADHD, don't understand it...

Call your social worker and be honest with them. They will help.

Um you posted a long and detailed post telling us about the state of your home

Reporting you for victim blaming @Spinningnewbie

Asking where the child was whilst this was o ongoing is not victim blaming. Bizarre

He knows what he did, he’s providing cover for that, by saying you’re unwell, so no one will believe you.

What you do with that knowledge is one for you to reflect on. You did nothing wrong. You have no reason to feel shame. He does.

Absolutely this. I can’t believe what I’m fucking reading here.

The OP is clearly extremely unwell and very very vulnerable. This vile creature knows that and used her vulnerability and mental health to sexually assault her. She is a victim of a disgusting sexual abuser and should go to the police. And yet the MN holier than thou brigade would rather sneer about the fact she hadn’t cleaned her house rather than empathise with the fact she’s been subjected to sexual abuser.

It appears in the perfect world of MN only women with immaculate homes can be raped - it’s up there with ‘well she was wearing a short skirt and waking home alone’

He raped you. He used your vulnerability to get what he wanted, blocked you because he knew he'd done wrong, then contacted your family member to make out that you were in the wrong because you're 'unwell'.
Please contact the police.