((TW SA)) To feel deeply ashamed and shocked

[CheeryLimeFawn]

I need honest outside perspective because I feel deeply shaken and humiliated by what happened.
I had blocked a man I’d been in an on/off situation with after months of inconsistency, silent treatment, vague behaviour and emotional stress. I was already not in a good place mentally before this happened.
He then turned up unexpectedly at my house early in the morning. The problem is my house was in a truly awful state. Not just untidy, properly bad. I feel ashamed even writing it. But there are reasons for it. I am juggling two jobs, I have an autistic child, I have ADHD, and I had been struggling mentally on top of that. Things had built up around me and I had got overwhelmed to the point where the house was reflecting how badly I was coping.
So when he arrived, I felt instantly exposed and panicked. It was like my worst private shame was suddenly there in front of someone who had already hurt me a lot. I keep wondering whether seeing my house like that made him judge me, lose respect for me, or decide there and then that he wanted nothing to do with me.
Things then turned sexual, but I did not feel properly safe or comfortable in it. I was already emotionally overwhelmed and not in a clear state. Afterwards I panicked badly and was asking him to open his phone because I felt something was off and I needed reassurance, but he refused.
What I cannot get over is what happened next. Instead of reassuring me or dealing with me directly, he then blocked me everywhere and contacted my family saying I was unwell.
That is what feels so cruel and damaging to me. He saw me at one of my absolute lowest points, in a house I was already deeply ashamed of, knowing I was overwhelmed, and instead of handling it with care he cut me off and involved my family. I feel humiliated on every level.
Part of me keeps wondering whether the state of my house triggered him to leave me or see me differently. But another part of me thinks that whatever he felt, the way he handled it was harsh, abandoning and deeply upsetting.
Now I was fine before this and now I feel deeply depressed and anxious ,the sex was not consensual I told him no several times and he insisted I do a certain act to him which I did as I felt pressured but stopped as it felt bad ,I feel used and discarted plus deep shame for my house

The victim blaming is horrendous on this thread. I'm so sorry OP I really think it's likely to be detrimental to your mental health to keep it open in AIBU. Contact mn and ask for it to be moved to relationships.

Was it maybe not to do with the house, you say you called him a lot as you were unwell and panicked, he said it was stressing him out, so he blocked to stop it and let your family know so they could help you instead?

as for the sex, I am not sure if it was rape or sexual assault, but if he forced yoh to do something and didn’t take no for an answer, then it is at least assault, I can’t quite work out if penatrative sex occurred, either way you’ve been assaulted.

do you have a support network, anyone you trust who can help you?

@RoseField1
I actually do a weekly clean laundry ,hoovering ,changing sheets ,deep clean my kitchen,my fridge ,cook but nobody believed how much mess my son really makes and I get overwhelmed so I create mess too which leads me to clean the house for hours all Saturday

100%!

You constantly talk about being panicked, overwhelmed and not in a clear emotional state in your OP.

these states are something other people pick up on fairly easily.

OP, echoing what the kinder PPs have said - you were raped, please report it to the police, they will signpost you to the mental health support you need. The state of your house is irrelevant. It’s natural to feel overwhelmed from time to time in your situation. Please don’t worry what some twat of a man thinks about your house. The shame should all be on him, not you.

Stop apologising. That's a whole other issue and does not justify the treatment this man subjected you to.
Please get help and support.

That’s a disingenuous reply and you know it.

Take the messy house out of the equation……….you were coerced into having sex against your will, without your consent and that is rape. Please get some help OP, get yourself medically examined, report this to the police and confide in people you can trust and who will support you.

Please stop focusing on how clean your home is and justifying yourself to the vultures.

You are clearly very unwell and die to your vulnerable state, you’ve welcomed in a man who has used it to his advantage and sexually assaulted you. Hrs a criminal and you need to report to the police.

She did; and it is obvious to anyone with an ounce of empathy that the state of her house is actually completely irrelevant to the issue.

Listen to this, please.

Well MNHQ have emailed me already and told me they agree and have deleted it.

It’s the implication in that post. How dare OP have a child in the house, she should have expected some twat would come round and rape her.

He raped you and he knows he did.
Messaging your family is probably him trying to cover his back if you report him he’ll try and make out you’re mentally unwell.
The house doesn’t sound that bad, take it out of the equation, we all have times when our house is a right mess.
Try and get some support from rape crisis and think about reporting to the police

OP you are/were unwell and that’s ok.
If I have a stomach bug, the last thing I want to do is clean!
It is no different to being mentally unwell and so you should not feel ashamed about feeling unwell.

You say you’ve known this man a year and so he knows that your home is at a better standard usually.

I am confused as to why you even let him in though - you blocked him because you didn’t want to see or talk to him, your home was messy and you felt overwhelmed.
The best thing you could have done is told him that he couldn’t come in and locked the door.

I can see 2 main things happening here - either he knows it’s over so wanted one last shag and wanted to be the one who left you, not the other way around.
Or he knows his behaviour was inappropriate and so is turning it around saying that you are unwell before you go making accusations.

OP if you told him no multiple times and he still carried on having sex with you then that is rape, it is literally black and white.

If I was you, I would message him saying how upset you are about it.
I wouldn’t use the word rape but I would say about how you said no 3 times and he carried on and that shows no respect for you etc.
Screenshot all of the messages and then if you want to go to the police at a later date, you’ll have some evidence of it.

@CheeryLimeFawn
I have a therapist for a year now and there is backstory as to why I got panic
This man for a year would give me silent treatment and blame me for many things manipulate me and according to my therapist I get panic and anxious when I get loss of contact and fear of abandonment. I feel emotionally abused and I refused to let him in but he insisted so I felt manipulated again.A day before he came in apart from the house which I have cleaned now I was feeling depressed but not anxious or panicked He created that anxiety and panic for a while year on and off and this was my breaking point

you might’ve done this, but if not it might be a good idea to spend a couple of therapy sessions digging into why you are persuing any relationship right now and why you can’t hold the decision to be single for a period. It could be really enlightening.

This is such bad advice.

the op was raped. She should go to the police. As well as thar, she should seek support, which the police can sign post her to such as rape crisis and women’s aid and victim support.

The man raped her.

Sorry let me get this right - your advice is to phone or visit the police station to be sign posed to rape crisis or women’s aid?

is there any reason she needs the police to “signpost” her to do those things?

maybe better advice is simply to phone women’s aid?

What?

If you did want to report to the police you need to know that the waiting time for the cps to get to trail and the conviction rates..by all means report but I would do that via rape crisis. Not via the police station. Pursuing a conviction of rape that you have previously consented with is not easy. I'm just saying this because it's a extremely hard case to get past cps and into court. You should not under estimate the toll of the years it will take.

I have seen this first hand with a friend who did get a custody sentence for her rapist, but not the count of rape. It took over 4 years to get a gbh charge. Because she was very obviously bruised. It's noble to say that we need to do this for the next woman but honestly no previous charges are disclosed in court. He was a know previous violent sex offender. But that's not disclosed.

She needs to report the rape to the police.

they can ALSO sign post her to help and support.