((TW SA)) To feel deeply ashamed and shocked

[CheeryLimeFawn]

I need honest outside perspective because I feel deeply shaken and humiliated by what happened.
I had blocked a man I’d been in an on/off situation with after months of inconsistency, silent treatment, vague behaviour and emotional stress. I was already not in a good place mentally before this happened.
He then turned up unexpectedly at my house early in the morning. The problem is my house was in a truly awful state. Not just untidy, properly bad. I feel ashamed even writing it. But there are reasons for it. I am juggling two jobs, I have an autistic child, I have ADHD, and I had been struggling mentally on top of that. Things had built up around me and I had got overwhelmed to the point where the house was reflecting how badly I was coping.
So when he arrived, I felt instantly exposed and panicked. It was like my worst private shame was suddenly there in front of someone who had already hurt me a lot. I keep wondering whether seeing my house like that made him judge me, lose respect for me, or decide there and then that he wanted nothing to do with me.
Things then turned sexual, but I did not feel properly safe or comfortable in it. I was already emotionally overwhelmed and not in a clear state. Afterwards I panicked badly and was asking him to open his phone because I felt something was off and I needed reassurance, but he refused.
What I cannot get over is what happened next. Instead of reassuring me or dealing with me directly, he then blocked me everywhere and contacted my family saying I was unwell.
That is what feels so cruel and damaging to me. He saw me at one of my absolute lowest points, in a house I was already deeply ashamed of, knowing I was overwhelmed, and instead of handling it with care he cut me off and involved my family. I feel humiliated on every level.
Part of me keeps wondering whether the state of my house triggered him to leave me or see me differently. But another part of me thinks that whatever he felt, the way he handled it was harsh, abandoning and deeply upsetting.
Now I was fine before this and now I feel deeply depressed and anxious ,the sex was not consensual I told him no several times and he insisted I do a certain act to him which I did as I felt pressured but stopped as it felt bad ,I feel used and discarted plus deep shame for my house

The right relationship doesn’t take an huge amount of emotional or mental energy.

Hello, OP.
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Kim

This. I’m so sorry op, it sounds like it’s a deliberate attempt to discredit you before you report him. It sounds planned.

The lows some men will stoop to never cease to amaze and disgust.

This is not on you, it’s on him. All on him. What you’ve said since, him starting to masturbate, makes that very clear. Remember Gisele Pelicot and get this reported.

Sod the mess. Since when have these kind of men cared about housekeeping? Except as control. Look after yourself.

Did you get this therapy on the nhs? Ie you are under the care of a GP and they are aware of whats going on with your mental health?

You don’t say how your family have responded ?

@Walksspecial

He contacted my cousin on Facebook and then he contacted my mum ,my mum called me concerned about me and then I explained to her but didn't tell her he wanted to have sex just that I had blocked him, he came to my house then later he flipped it on me to be the one to dump me.I don't have anyone in The UK all my family lived in my home country.
Him pleasuring himself disgusted me and I felt uncomfortable but my anxiety came out the shame I felt from the state of my house as I carry that Shame on my own every time I can't keep up with it and then he got to see it too.
He told my cousin to check up on me cause I had told him I am not well and he didn't want to deal with my upset himself.
He is a manipulator and when he realised I didn't want him as before he wanted to be the one to block me this time as he has the need to be controlling.

Ok so you briefly touched on your mum calling you and then back to what happened last night.

What has your family done beyond your mum calling you? Just the call and now they are reassured?

@Walksspecial
My mum checks with me several times a day, I explained to her I was in panic because of his behaviour ,she said it was good he saw my house and if that repelled him then for the best to leave me alone ,she advised to take him to the police if he makes other attempts to contact me but now he has blocked me and I have blocked him back incase he tries to recontact me.

She didn’t suggest you go to the police to report sexual assault?

Does your son attend school?

@Walksspecial
I didn't tell her about the sex felt embarrassed and yes my child goes to school.
I currently only feel disgusted by him but not anxious about it just in shock I was with him for a year and he is a creep who is not embarrassed to mastrubate Infront of me.

Why are you continually interrogating OP? It's not supportive.

Some empathy is what she needs, along with gentle suggestions of how to go forward after a clearly traumatic experience.

Oh purleeeese.

Read the room.

Are you ever going to pack it in? What do you imagine gives you the right to harangue OP the way you have been doing?

@Walksspecial

My son goes to school and I have decided to not report him but I am in therapy

He left before my son woke up as he said I am leaving before your son sees me ,my son knows him
Anymore questions ?

@Cherry8809
I think if I was neglectful and careless about my home I wouldnt feel shame in the first place ,I clean but there were circumstances those days that I couldn't and even when I can't like this last week it only lasts a few days as Saturday I do a big clean either way.

I believe he's fully aware of his crime, he showed up at your place with the intention of sexually abusing you and that's what happened, now he's 'protecting himself' by discrediting you, going to your family members to let them know "he's concerned about you", flash news: he's not, he actually doesn't give a toss about you and wants to punish you. If he was really concerned about you he wouldn't show up post relationship at your home to sexually abuse you in the first place. He's using your typical narcissist gaslighting techniques, discrediting you and need to control the narrative. If I were you I would go to the police and fill a SA form.

@toiletpaperthief
I still don't feel assaulted but disgusted instead.
He thought trying to have sex was gone either fix our relationship or he wanted to have sex use me and then be the one to dump me instead.
I refused him so it didn't go as planned for him ,flet quite rejected and stupid for even coming over so he flipped it on me as he struggles with rejection in a very narcissistic way.
I told him myself I am not well that's why he notified them ,to diffuse his guilt cause he knew his visit did all this to me.
After 3 months of not seeing him I should have apparently missed him enough to have sex with him according to him.
I am feeling better and more clear head and I have stopped feeling shame for my house just trying to do better from now on in regards to that