((TW SA)) To feel deeply ashamed and shocked

[CheeryLimeFawn]

I need honest outside perspective because I feel deeply shaken and humiliated by what happened.
I had blocked a man I’d been in an on/off situation with after months of inconsistency, silent treatment, vague behaviour and emotional stress. I was already not in a good place mentally before this happened.
He then turned up unexpectedly at my house early in the morning. The problem is my house was in a truly awful state. Not just untidy, properly bad. I feel ashamed even writing it. But there are reasons for it. I am juggling two jobs, I have an autistic child, I have ADHD, and I had been struggling mentally on top of that. Things had built up around me and I had got overwhelmed to the point where the house was reflecting how badly I was coping.
So when he arrived, I felt instantly exposed and panicked. It was like my worst private shame was suddenly there in front of someone who had already hurt me a lot. I keep wondering whether seeing my house like that made him judge me, lose respect for me, or decide there and then that he wanted nothing to do with me.
Things then turned sexual, but I did not feel properly safe or comfortable in it. I was already emotionally overwhelmed and not in a clear state. Afterwards I panicked badly and was asking him to open his phone because I felt something was off and I needed reassurance, but he refused.
What I cannot get over is what happened next. Instead of reassuring me or dealing with me directly, he then blocked me everywhere and contacted my family saying I was unwell.
That is what feels so cruel and damaging to me. He saw me at one of my absolute lowest points, in a house I was already deeply ashamed of, knowing I was overwhelmed, and instead of handling it with care he cut me off and involved my family. I feel humiliated on every level.
Part of me keeps wondering whether the state of my house triggered him to leave me or see me differently. But another part of me thinks that whatever he felt, the way he handled it was harsh, abandoning and deeply upsetting.
Now I was fine before this and now I feel deeply depressed and anxious ,the sex was not consensual I told him no several times and he insisted I do a certain act to him which I did as I felt pressured but stopped as it felt bad ,I feel used and discarted plus deep shame for my house

@IWaffleAlot

I didn't clarify one thing I had been in a relationship with him not just casual for a year then he started misbehaving so I broke up with him ,he had met my child many times and been at my house many times too so I didnt feel unsafe when I let him in

Now you're showing you spiteful judgmental true colour. You really should stfu.

Supporting ppl isn't in your skill set clearly

This, 100% ⬆️
Please listen, OP.
He is guilty of assault. Your house is not the problem.

Please, don't blame yourself. You were obviously very vulnerable and thrown.
Take the advice of the majority of posters - report and get help and support.

@Iwilladmit
I was in a relationship as I said ,before I blocked him not just casual ,in the evening he blew up at me saying I stress him ,I called cause for some reason I panicked and wanted to speak to him as I felt unwell ,this was triggered cause I thought the state of my house caused this and I felt shame he called my relative because he didn't want to deal with my unwell and blocked so I don't contact him anymore ,all this made me feel he just came to get revenge then discard me

Don't feel the need to explain yourself to these posters. They're goady and victim blaming.

Do you have someone you can go to today for support? The man is a vile sexual predator. If you feel able in the next few days consider reporting him to the police, but for now look after yourself.

If he has seen your house in immaculate condition before, he may actually have been genuinely concerned about your mental health, which is why he contacted your family.

The other stuff is a matter for the police if you feel he sexually assaulted you. Him telling your family that he thinks you’re ill may be his downfall because he admitted he knew you were vulnerable, and went ahead anyway.

@Spinningnewbie he knew my child we were together for a year ,I thought he came cause he loved me and wanted me back

Please, love, don't blame yourself. You were raped. Can you get some support? This was not your fault, this was an abusive man taking advantage of your vulnerability.

100% she needs to call police. And Women's Aid. She was raped.

I'm not talking about your house. You are clearly very distressed and worrying about things which you shouldn't be worrying about (like your house and this random bloke who is not good news). Which tells me you need some real life support.

What I think happend is he thought he did a gesture of love to come to my house I showed no warmth towards him accused him of same things I blocked him for ,he thought sex would soften me but Instead I rejected him ,he saw my state and the house thought she is crazy don't want to deal anymore so he blew up and blocked but tried to clear his consciousness by telling my family.
I told him myself I feel unwell and if he can pick up the phone because that's what my panic and shame told me to do so he refused and delegated.
I didn't felt raped because I had been with him for a year but did say I dont want sex several times so he proceeded to pleasure himself after all attempts failed.He was not shocked enough to want to have sex

It isnt the mess. Please listen to thoes of us who are telling you that is have absolutely nothing to do with your house.

You are fixating on the wrong thing here. You were raped. You feel horrific because someone raped you. Its not unusual for you to have the response you are having when such abuse comes from someone you want love from. To turn the horror inwards and think that you must have done something wrong and desperately seek reassurance.

Please seek help from an organisation. You do need help, a terrible thing has happened to you and you need support

You are fixated on the wrong thing. Please reach out for help with everything: the house, the child, the stress and especially the recent rape by this man. Your focus on his thoughts about the state of the house or his supposed rejection of you are beside the point. Maybe they are in dome sense protective of you as you are dissociating snd avoiding recognizing how much he abused your trust by assaulting you in your own bome. But please focus on yourself and protecting yourself.

You sound quite unwell and you need to reach out to your family and possibly early help for some support. As hard as you may find things - the way you describe your house isn’t a place for a child to grow up in. Why can’t you scoop up peanut shells when you walk down the stairs on the way to the kitchen or clear plates away so you can use the work surfaces?

If you’re too unwell to keep a house half tidy then you’ve got to ask for help to ensure your child is safe and well.

Now as for your question regarding the man who ho came over to see you: he noticed your state but didn’t care as he just wanted sex. You need to stop obsessing over this man and actually focus on yourself and your child!! If you cannot do this alone then you must get help.

How old is your child and where were they when this man came over?

There was literally nothing for him to gain by telling you’re family he was concerned about you.

So I am guessing that he was concerned enough to go to the effort of contacting your family

Just on the basis of how you come across on this thread alone… I am concerned about you and your child

Why did you even open the front door to him?!

Op, where was your child when all of this was going on.

He sounds horrific. All this happened with your children in the house?

The only thing that I think he is right about is that you are genuinely not well OP. But that makes what he did to you all the more heinous.

I am really sorry about what happened and I think you need to reach out to your GP for some mental health support. Are your family supportive?

Why can’t you scoop up peanut shells when you walk down the stairs on the way to the kitchen or clear plates away so you can use the work surfaces?

I have lived with an ADHD adult. Things like these don’t even register on their radar.

OP, you were sexually assaulted at the very least. But I don’t think this man is wrong about you being very unwell. Reach out and get some support immediately.

I appreciate your insight and understand how hard this must be but clearly she is aware the mess is there so why not make the effort to clear some of it.

The way the OP describes her house makes me worry about the safety and welfare of her child. It doesn’t sound like a healthy hometown grow up in and mum sounds very vulnerable.

I have adhd and autism. My house would be a shit tip if I didn’t have a cleaner. I just wouldn’t notice the mess. And if I did it would overwhelm me and I’d be paralysed with shame and unable to do a thing.

doing the laundry and it getting upstairs to the bedroom might happen but putting it away could take … god knows. I’d clothe myself off the chair wardrobe probably.

executive dysfunction is a thing you know.

im also physically not able to pick stiff up easily and the stairs are already hazardous enough.