((TW SA)) To feel deeply ashamed and shocked

[CheeryLimeFawn]

I need honest outside perspective because I feel deeply shaken and humiliated by what happened.
I had blocked a man I’d been in an on/off situation with after months of inconsistency, silent treatment, vague behaviour and emotional stress. I was already not in a good place mentally before this happened.
He then turned up unexpectedly at my house early in the morning. The problem is my house was in a truly awful state. Not just untidy, properly bad. I feel ashamed even writing it. But there are reasons for it. I am juggling two jobs, I have an autistic child, I have ADHD, and I had been struggling mentally on top of that. Things had built up around me and I had got overwhelmed to the point where the house was reflecting how badly I was coping.
So when he arrived, I felt instantly exposed and panicked. It was like my worst private shame was suddenly there in front of someone who had already hurt me a lot. I keep wondering whether seeing my house like that made him judge me, lose respect for me, or decide there and then that he wanted nothing to do with me.
Things then turned sexual, but I did not feel properly safe or comfortable in it. I was already emotionally overwhelmed and not in a clear state. Afterwards I panicked badly and was asking him to open his phone because I felt something was off and I needed reassurance, but he refused.
What I cannot get over is what happened next. Instead of reassuring me or dealing with me directly, he then blocked me everywhere and contacted my family saying I was unwell.
That is what feels so cruel and damaging to me. He saw me at one of my absolute lowest points, in a house I was already deeply ashamed of, knowing I was overwhelmed, and instead of handling it with care he cut me off and involved my family. I feel humiliated on every level.
Part of me keeps wondering whether the state of my house triggered him to leave me or see me differently. But another part of me thinks that whatever he felt, the way he handled it was harsh, abandoning and deeply upsetting.
Now I was fine before this and now I feel deeply depressed and anxious ,the sex was not consensual I told him no several times and he insisted I do a certain act to him which I did as I felt pressured but stopped as it felt bad ,I feel used and discarted plus deep shame for my house

Op it sounds like you have been coerced into sex, but it also does sound like you are unwell. Both things can be true. You mention wanting to see his phone, why was this ?

You clearly ARE unwell, from your actions then, the condition of your home and the way you're posting on here, you're not well at all. You do need to seek some help from your friends, family and professionals too. But he is ALSO an awful person, abusive, coercive and probably a big contributor to your mental health at the moment. So blocking him and never letting him get to you again is number one in the recovery plan.

The state of your house is irrelevant. This man is bad news, truly terrible news.

At the minute I know there’s a basket of washing on my bedroom chair to be put away.

im exhausted mentally. I worked all day yesterday on a qualification im doing, physically im sore and struggling and I’ve had to take extra morphine and other painkillers. I don’t have the bandwidth to do anything other than sit here and wait til I feel I can tackle it.

im ashamed if the state of my floor in the living room but I can’t manage to wash and hoover it right now. If you knocked the door I’d die of embarrassment.

it’s not that simple if you are neurodiverse. There’s a reason I get pip for my ND.

But you have a cleaner, to avoid it getting bad, so you have a strategy. Yes, executive dysfunction is a thing, but when we are parents we need strategies so that it doesn't cause us to neglect our children.

Why are you responding to people's concern about the OP as if they are talking to you? They aren't, and you're projecting, and it's not helpful to the OP at all. This isn't about you.

I’m so sorry to hear what has happened and I hope you are ok. I think you are trying to navigate something really hard here. Sex was non consensual that’s the key thing. The state of the house is not relevant although it may feel it is at the moment. He is not a good man. It doesn’t matter he blocked you, he is not someone you need in your life. I think you need to speak to a friend/family/counsellor/therapist of some sort to unpack what happened and work out next steps. You have done nothing wrong. You must seek out real life support. I send you hugs. Please ignore any posts commenting on your house as that is really not the issue here. Take care.

@KimuraTan
I dint scoop them up because those last three days my autistic child had gone wild and aggressive hitting me ,I worked until 5 then I had an urgent project to do till late then I had to cook and put my child to bed he would not sleep until midnight while hitting scratching Me, then next day I woke up late from exhaustion and had to work again
This went on for 3 days ,my son was home all this time in the background doing more and more mess.
It's not my everyday life it's occasional when life gets like this,I do a deep clean once a week

I mean, I also am audhd and most the time I literally can’t face doing the housework, but I do it, even if it’s just the bare minimum!

He blocked you because he knew he’d just raped you and so decided to block you and tell your family you’re mad so you won’t be believed. Call the police asap. He has raped you.

People are blaming her for not cleaning.

adhd and other ‘Tisms can really affect that.

I get the ADHD point and appreciate the explanations how this must feel for a person but I‘ll say it again: THE WAY THE OP DESCRIBES HER HOME DOESN‘T SOUND LIKE A SAFE AND SUITABLE PLACE FOR A CHILD TO BE RAISED IN.

Opening the door to some man she hasn’t seen in 3 months who then proceeds to take advantage of her vulnerability sounds even worse. She won’t say how old the child is and by her omission to respond to questions it‘s clear her son was in the house at the time of this incident.

Good for you.

Sometimes you’ve got to force yourself

Social services are involved aren’t they @CheeryLimeFawn ?

Can you tell me how to do that?

Lets break this down

• You cut off contact, due to his behaviour towards you and treatment
• He then thinks its ok to just turn up at your house one morning unannounced and basically coerce you into Sexual acts
• Was your child there?

-You keep mentioning the state of your house. -He then blew up at you and contacted your family

• It sounds like you panicked and tried to contact him.

This man is extremely manipulative, it feels like he did this on purpose, he sounds controlling and clearly had to be the one to do the dumping. Also contacting your family and saying you are unwell, takes the focus off, of his behaviour and causes another level of confusion for you. This is abuse, you are obviously vulnerable.

I genuinely feel your first job is to go to the police,
Then get some video doorbells for front and back door. To give you an opportunity to screen and deny entry to this man in future, also look at your door and windows consider extra locks.

Then you use this issue with your home and say to your family, look i am struggling please help me to reset. Tell them what he did to you, a good family will understand and hopefully give you a helping hand to straighten out your home.

Pls pls understand that all of this is manipulation and contacting your family was a form of control to make you feel as though you are in the wrong. Your not its a distraction so he get away with this behaviour.
Then seek out counselling and support, i hope your child didnt witness any of this, pls try not to feel shame. This was his goal, he will be back as part of the game xxx

Imagine how much your kids would love a home that they can bring friends back to without feeling embarrassed @Atatwalker

My kids are adults. And I have a cleaner.

Do your kids ever visit you?

Some disgusting responses on this thread. OP has been subjected to rape and some of you are deciding to moralise about her house being untidy and bang on about fucking peanut shells? Also all the ‘where was your child’ stuff, when OP wasn’t in control of events, nice bit of victim blaming. Some of you people should be ashamed of yourselves.

OP I’m so sorry this happened to you. Please don’t stress yourself further by worrying what this vile man thought of your home, it sounds like life’s a struggle at the moment and houses get untidy. Some of us do get it.

@Walksspecial
I take care of my child so no they are not and to clarify this is not the usual everyday state of my home it was I my reality those days as my child had become aggressive ,I clean regularly but those last days I was very very depressed.at this moment I am writing this post my house is not longer like that it's tidy and clean

I agree with those saying you should call the police. You really need to speak to someone trained to help in circumstances like these, and pay no attention to people droning on about housework.

Please call them, and if they don't offer it ask for the number of a counsellor who specialises in rape and SA. You need specialist help, both to get this man out of your life, and to process what has happened to you, which was nothing to do with your house, and everything to do with him. Please take steps to get that help.

Yes.

This!