((TW SA)) To feel deeply ashamed and shocked

[CheeryLimeFawn]

I need honest outside perspective because I feel deeply shaken and humiliated by what happened.
I had blocked a man I’d been in an on/off situation with after months of inconsistency, silent treatment, vague behaviour and emotional stress. I was already not in a good place mentally before this happened.
He then turned up unexpectedly at my house early in the morning. The problem is my house was in a truly awful state. Not just untidy, properly bad. I feel ashamed even writing it. But there are reasons for it. I am juggling two jobs, I have an autistic child, I have ADHD, and I had been struggling mentally on top of that. Things had built up around me and I had got overwhelmed to the point where the house was reflecting how badly I was coping.
So when he arrived, I felt instantly exposed and panicked. It was like my worst private shame was suddenly there in front of someone who had already hurt me a lot. I keep wondering whether seeing my house like that made him judge me, lose respect for me, or decide there and then that he wanted nothing to do with me.
Things then turned sexual, but I did not feel properly safe or comfortable in it. I was already emotionally overwhelmed and not in a clear state. Afterwards I panicked badly and was asking him to open his phone because I felt something was off and I needed reassurance, but he refused.
What I cannot get over is what happened next. Instead of reassuring me or dealing with me directly, he then blocked me everywhere and contacted my family saying I was unwell.
That is what feels so cruel and damaging to me. He saw me at one of my absolute lowest points, in a house I was already deeply ashamed of, knowing I was overwhelmed, and instead of handling it with care he cut me off and involved my family. I feel humiliated on every level.
Part of me keeps wondering whether the state of my house triggered him to leave me or see me differently. But another part of me thinks that whatever he felt, the way he handled it was harsh, abandoning and deeply upsetting.
Now I was fine before this and now I feel deeply depressed and anxious ,the sex was not consensual I told him no several times and he insisted I do a certain act to him which I did as I felt pressured but stopped as it felt bad ,I feel used and discarted plus deep shame for my house

Thats a seperate issue to OPs mental health which she is working on with a counsellor.

The counsellor can’t help her understand him.

choosing to pursue a naturally time consuming relationship- with anyone- when a single parent to a ND DC, and TWO JOBS is not a choice everyone would make.

If you said no and he continued you were raped.

Shame and guilt are normal responses, but they arent a reflection of facts. He was a predator. He is the one who carries the blame for this, your home and struggles are irrelevant. You have nothing to feel bad about.

But thats easier said than done, so if youve anyone IRL you can confide in please do. And consider the police.

I hope youre OK OP, again this isnt your fault. Your feelings are understandable and valid, but it isnt you who did anything to be ashamed of

@Tacohill
It was no full sex I refused sex but he proceeded to pleasure himself in front of me I told him to stop doing it then he asked for a sexual act from me I refused once then I did it as I felt pressured but stopped so I didn't take the while thing as rape but it was uncomfortable situation ,I still don't think he wanted to rape but thought either sex would make things ok between us or just wanted the last word to prove he can get me and then discart me.I was very cold with him and accused him of stuff he told me later on that I don't trust him all I do is stress him and that I will never believe him ,the block came cause I panicked by this response I felt shamed and called him many times

Op the state of your house did NOT stress him or disturb him. He was comfortable enough in your house to want to have sex. Nothing that you have done excuses his behaviour. Forget about the state of your house. My house doesn't sound too unlike yours at the moment. It's not ideal but it's fine. We will tidy up at some point when we have the time and energy. Please speak to someone op. Get support. Don't feel ashamed. You haven't done anything wrong.

We don't know the house had anything to do with it. I'm sure he had other things on his mind OP.

The discrediting her mental state was to obfuscate the rape aspect.

This is not a thread about housekeeping. Forget that bit Op.

OP. I am appalled to read this.

Both the fact that you were raped and the responses of some posters.

You have said you are struggling to get things clear in your head. With the intention of helping you I thought I’d make a list below of what I think is important.

1. You were raped. The shame is on the rapist not on you.
2. Consider reporting it to police. But do not feel that you have to. Sometimes that process is not helpful. You do not owe it to anyone else to make the report.
3. Whether or not you report the rape to the police please get some emotional support for what happened.
4. The state of your house does not matter. You have said that you usually provide a clean home for your son. That’s what matters
5. It is good you are having therapy. Have a think about what other support might help you as well.
6. Try to reach out to family and friends for support if you can.
7. It is probably best not to be in a relationship for a while. Not until you get yourself in a better place and are less vulnerable.
8. Even then, consider not bringing a new boyfriend into contact with your child / to your home.
9. Your ex is an abusive rapist. Keep him blocked. Forever. And mean it.
10. You are a brave resilient woman who is doing the best she can in challenging circumstances.

I really wish you well.

You do realise he actually raped her don't you?

Ok so what he did wasn’t rape but it is verging on sexual assault as he knew you weren’t comfortable.

If you don’t want this incident to be taken further that’s fine but it proves how little respect he has for you and this should be the final straw.

You were at your most vulnerable and this man came over unannounced and instead of helping you or simply cuddling you to make you feel better, he literally came over purely to have his sexual desires met.
That is the lowest of the low.

Tell him to not come to your home again and to not contact you.
If he ever does turn up, do not let him in.

The OP has already explained she said no. Why can't people understand this? This monster took advantage of a vulnerable person and abused her in the most sickening way. Her house and even her behaviour are irrelevant...he is a rapist

But it gets to a point that it is neglectful to have a child living in a shit tip of a home.

It’s your duty of care as a parent to provide your children with a clean and functioning environment at the bare minimum.

What has that got to do with the fact that this man at best sexually assaulted the op?

didn’t bother him that much til after the fact did it. And I’ll bet he only called family to make sure if she reported him or told anyone she wouldn’t be believed.

They are two entirely separate entities.

Both things can be true at the same time.

@Cherry8809
He is not it was a difficult days but not my normal as I have said there is a minimum weekly clean I do when he goes to his dad's ,it's is messy cause he causes most of the mess but not usually they way it was 3 days ago

Honestly any decent person in real life or on here would be more concerned about your wellbeing than your home.
You clearly have a lovely home but you’ve had a few days where it’s all gone off for various reasons - it happens. You don’t need to explain that.
This man is no good for you.
You felt him calling round was an act of love. An act of love would have been to help you out practically.
You have been emotionally abused by this man for a year but I do understand the calls - you have panicked.
I am so sorry for the disgusting coercive behaviour when you were low.
Keep speaking to your therapist and try not to worry about a bit of mess. Your wellbeing matters more.

And when the op has just been sexually assaulted is a good time to berate her about the state of her house?

And your last paragraph is relevant how?

@Itsmetheflamingo
No I still deserve love and to have someone ,the right person would take off some of my load not add to it his emotional abuse is to partly blame as I was better before I met him

Op

do you have a social worker

yes or no?

@Walksspecial

No but I requested help several times for them to help with my son as his dad only takes him 2 times a month but they did nothing to help me

Yes, but this isn't the time or place to chastise OP about housework. Besides which, if you bother to read OP's posts, she has clarified that her home isn't messy most of the time.

Does he go to school? Do you work?

This sounds incredibly serious and both you and your son in a very vulnerable and dire situation.

OP, it’s exhausting. It’s sucking up your emotional and mental energy.

Any relationship takes up a huge amount of emotional and mental energy, and the possibly of it eventually turning to genuine love and support does seem like a high price to pay now, when you are so exhausted and overwhelmed from your normal (objectively very tough) life.

what you’re saying about him causing the stress is logical and always more likely to the case than not - and that’s exactly what I’m talking about.

I’d expect the point of taking advantage of the expert help you have through your counsellor is to understand why you invested so much time and energy into this horrible person, why hes taken up a year of your life etc. learning how to identify boundaries and stick to them them is very powerful.

and no, for the vipers at the back I am STILL not referring to the rape, I am referring to OP future proofing her life to support good metal health. Regardless of what happened recently it is clear OPs mental state is poor.

She is working TWO jobs!

This man sexually abused you and forced himself on you OP. I would go to the police asap. The state of your house is irrelevant in this case. I don't have two jobs like you and don't have a child either but If I've had a hectic week my house will get neglected and it's no ones business.