Boyfriend asked for space after first argument, is this a breakup?

[ForOpalEagle]

me and my boyfriend of 2 years have a really loving relationship, we were both in quite abusive relationships before we met and due to his previous relationship he struggles with communicating his feelings, he said it mainly stems from his previous girlfriend often invalidating how he feels. He hasn’t had any therapy for this issue but it hasn’t been a problem until a couple of days ago, I will try to keep the next part shot but I want to give as much info as I can.

last week he was really off, everytime I asked he said he was fine and it was just tiredness, fast forward to 2 days ago he starts telling me he isn’t happy, he doesn’t get any time to himself and he feels unstable in life, I ask if there’s anything I can do to help he says no because it isn’t us he feels unstable about, stupidly I asked why he didn’t just tell me this week and said I kinda felt lied too… this leads us to our first ever argument, by my standards it didn’t seem bad, we wasn’t shouting at each other but it was late at night so we both went to bed angry…

the next day he says he needs space to reflect, I understand this and agreed to leave him be, 24 hrs of no contact pass by and I start to feel anxious as he never stated how long all he said was I won’t be seeing you at the weekend, so I reach out and politely ask if he had a rough timeline in mind for us to talk. He says no because I made him feel how his ex did and he feels like he can only express his feelings as long as it doesn’t upset anyone, I feel terrible for this I apologised and explained that I felt lied to, I accepted responsibility for not communicating better and said in hindsight I should’ve just listened instead of fixating on the idea of him potentially lying to me, he then said I should stop trying to justify it, I sensed he was still angry so I apologised again and I said I was here if/when he was to talk.
im now back in limbo with no idea what’s going on.

my question is really is this a soft break up or does he genuinely need time to process?

my anxiety is telling me that by waiting for him I’m just delaying the inevitable, but I love him so much I dont think I can walk away.

@GlovedhandsCecilia - of course, OP can also talk to men - at least one man has already commented (and said she should worry if the silence continues beyond 48 hours) but who are you to say that you don’t think many women on this site will tell OP anything healthy or moral? What entitles you to be the judge of that? On what basis do you claim to know what women are on this site and determine that they all think the same (which they don’t, as you will see from many threads)? You seem to be governed by some kind of tradwife attitude that men are protectors and providers who don’t get to show their feelings. That’s your view and fair enough - it’s good to have different perspectives expressed - but it doesn’t mean people who disagree with you aren’t healthy or aren’t moral.

No, I said that the women who implied the man was a lesser partner and flawed character for wanting space believe this kind of tradwife thing. That's until they realise the consequences of a man ignoring such emotional needs is that he eventually becomes emotionally unavailable.

Lots of women on this thread were very negative about this man taking space from the OP. And no, i don't think that is healthy or moral but I do know that to be a pattern on this site when it comes to men expressing these types of emotions.

I agree with all of this OP. Please listen.

Yikes - MN won’t tell you “anything healthy or moral”. I’d far rather trust the vipers than this kind of bad faith poster (like Cecelia)…..

Id not trust any human who tells me that someone has no grounds to need space from me. Sounds like they want me to be abusive.

maybe you need to use this time to do some thinking too!

Sorry OP. I think it sounds like hes trying to break up with you and hadmt the guts to say it. Hope you're okay

Doesn't sound like he is 🫤

He’s training you to see how long will you put up with the silent treatment. He thanked you for seeing where you went wrong or whatever his words were. What a patronising thing to say. Has he taken responsibility for his part in this or is it all your fault?

i thought the same, but we talked it through today and we’re going out tomorrow.

He has taken responsibility for his part yeah, we spoke about the whole silent treatment thing, he said its what he needs when he gets mad but didn’t realise it would effect me the way it did so we’re going to find a way round that as well

He has x

He needs to learn to communicate effectively. Real life and real relationships will have issues and you need to be able to go through them without him upping and disappearing when ever something that needs discussing comes up.

You also need to be able to feel that you can talk to him about tricky subjects without worrying he’ll give you the silent treatment.

Pleased for you OP, hope you work it out. x

i would be giving him permanent space. Treading on eggshells is no way to live. Move on and find someone who wants to be with you and deserves you.

I said this, he agreed it’s not a healthy way of handling things

I agree , sadly it does.

Usually I would agree with this, but not so much in this case.

That's great!

That’s good he’s taken responsibility as well. He might have been abused but his behaviour toward you is abusive too.

My ex husband said that he had been abused by his first wife and used it as an excuse to be absolutely vile and abusive to me. Anything I questioned / disagreed with and I was accused of being like his ex.

When it was good, we had a great time but that was the pattern and we had counselling etc. he said all the right things to the right people and continued to be a massive shit until I was an absolute shell of myself.

I’m not saying your boyfriend is the same but there do seem to be similarities. The talk of moving in together - lovely and then bam! You’ve been horrible to him and just like his ex or whatever the chosen phrase is.

18 years on and I am still affected by it. Look after yourself.

Thank you for sharing I’m really sorry you had to go through that! I will look out for repeated behaviour x

Thank you, I’m quite open about it as I think it’s important for people to talk about domestic abuse as so many people hide (understandably) what they go through. It’s far more common than people realise.

I could be barking up the wrong tree completely and I really hope I am but definitely wise to keep an eye out for red flags.

Just remember you cannot ever have children with a man who does the silent treatment and ‘solitude’ for days because it is not acceptable to ever treat children that way or to stop engaging with their needs, which include active love- conversation and a caring attitude.