Boyfriend asked for space after first argument, is this a breakup?

[ForOpalEagle]

me and my boyfriend of 2 years have a really loving relationship, we were both in quite abusive relationships before we met and due to his previous relationship he struggles with communicating his feelings, he said it mainly stems from his previous girlfriend often invalidating how he feels. He hasn’t had any therapy for this issue but it hasn’t been a problem until a couple of days ago, I will try to keep the next part shot but I want to give as much info as I can.

last week he was really off, everytime I asked he said he was fine and it was just tiredness, fast forward to 2 days ago he starts telling me he isn’t happy, he doesn’t get any time to himself and he feels unstable in life, I ask if there’s anything I can do to help he says no because it isn’t us he feels unstable about, stupidly I asked why he didn’t just tell me this week and said I kinda felt lied too… this leads us to our first ever argument, by my standards it didn’t seem bad, we wasn’t shouting at each other but it was late at night so we both went to bed angry…

the next day he says he needs space to reflect, I understand this and agreed to leave him be, 24 hrs of no contact pass by and I start to feel anxious as he never stated how long all he said was I won’t be seeing you at the weekend, so I reach out and politely ask if he had a rough timeline in mind for us to talk. He says no because I made him feel how his ex did and he feels like he can only express his feelings as long as it doesn’t upset anyone, I feel terrible for this I apologised and explained that I felt lied to, I accepted responsibility for not communicating better and said in hindsight I should’ve just listened instead of fixating on the idea of him potentially lying to me, he then said I should stop trying to justify it, I sensed he was still angry so I apologised again and I said I was here if/when he was to talk.
im now back in limbo with no idea what’s going on.

my question is really is this a soft break up or does he genuinely need time to process?

my anxiety is telling me that by waiting for him I’m just delaying the inevitable, but I love him so much I dont think I can walk away.

I definitely worded this comment wrong I’m sorry about that. We have had disagreements but we have resolved them without the need for an argument. This particular one got out of hand.

Mumsnet never fails to surprise me with the callous out of touch things that some people come out with. Are you actually saying that OP is unreasonable somehow to be worried that her 2 year relationship is ending? That she should have better things to be worrying about??

Read up about avoidants, see if it sounds like him. People with this personality often need space or withdraw after conflict. I guess it’s a positive he said he needs time to reflect, you’ve said sorry, probably too much but I get it. Pull back, don’t feed into it anymore and I’m sure he will reach out.

He should have at least said ‘I need a couple of days’ so you’re not in limbo.

Going forward I would be concerned he will withdraw at any disagreement, he is allowed to feel a certain way, but so are you. You’ve hurt his feelings by saying you felt he lied to you (valid feeling) but he’s hurt you by going silent.

I am sorry to hear your having a hard time and I feel some people on here are being overly hard. He has asked for space and your giving it to him - so far so good. I would give him the weekend and then reach out on Monday. Do something lovely with your daughter even if its just a Saturday takeaway. Good luck.

my DP and I have never had a big argument. We’ve had disagreements- but they have been relaxed and amicable solved by talking about things in a discussion. Both of us have had enough of arguing in relationships. We never really have small stuff that would spark one and the big stuff we sit down and talk about. We’ve been together 5 years, engaged a year, and are very very happy. So I don’t agree that not arguing is a bad thing - I think if you’d never DISAGREED that would be a red flag but that isn’t what you said.

Give it a bit of time OP, but mentally I would be preparing myself for him potentially checking out with this.

Thank you. I wasn’t planning on reaching out again I really do respect his decision

Thank you. I wasn’t planning on reaching out again I really do respect his decision

Thank you x

He will warm up again I’m sure, and if he doesn’t that really is a him problem. I understand this, because I’ve been on the receiving end of this also! It’s hard not to overanalyse everything,

the whole “reminds me of my ex” narrative is a pure manipulation tactic.

He knows that you know about his past, and now he’s using it to shut you up. By claiming you’re behaving like that past he knows that you’ll feel guilty and silenced.

That alone would make me end the relationship.

“I need space” equals he’s having doubts anyway, and tbh he already was as he told you before the argument.

Ignore the poster who is determined to put this on you. Every relationship thread has one. They’re best ignored as they’re playing to their own agenda.

As a matter of interest, is this genuinely the first real argument you’ve had in two years or have you felt like you were treading on eggshells and unable to argue previously for fear of being accused of being like his ex?

plus we are still sharing locations,

This jumped out at me. Why on earth do two adults need to keep track on where the other is at all times? That doesn’t come across as healthy to me

In your shoes I wouldn’t have told him he was lying when he said he was off because he was tired and later changed it to feeling unstable with some aspects of his life.
it may be that when initially you asked him he wasn’t sure why he was ‘off’ or feel comfortable in saying why because it sounds a bit dramatic.
When he confessed it was because things weren’t going quite right in other areas I would have asked if there was anything you could do to help/listen and if he had said no, then left it there.
I wouldn’t have accused him of lying because it does sound a little like your feelings of being lied to, which he hadn’t really, were bigger than what was going on for him.
Instead of thinking of it as being lied to, I would have put it down to him not communicating very well, either because let’s face it blokes don’t talk about feelings/how they feel and their problems.

It does all seem very OTT especially ifyou don’t live together etc to turn what should have been a ‘I’m sorry your feeling low, is there anything I can do to help?’
to a ‘you lied to me about the reason your feeling low and my outrage of being lied to is going to affect you so much you’re going to go’
Occasionally when I’m pissed off and it shows and someone asks me what’s wrong I reply I’m tired because it’s easier to say that then hormonal, sleep deprived, anxious and stressed. I wouldn’t expect to be excused of lying…
I wouldn’t reach out to him again, either he’ll get over it and come back and you can both apologise or he’s using it as an excuse to end things anyway.

Genuinely is the first time we’ve argued. We’ve had disagreements but they’ve always been resolved calmly and I’ve never felt like I can’t say something to him or disagree with him.
he did elaborate actually that the reason he felt unstable was the living conditions he’s friend rents a room at his and they agreed to another 2 years last year, he’s now unhappy with that decision, but by the time he told me that part the argument had already got out of hand.

the next day he says he needs space to reflect, He says no because I made him feel how his ex did
So hes had 24hours to process and he still thinks its ok.to compare you to his ex?

and he feels like he can only express his feelings as long as it doesn’t upset anyone,
This is classic manipulation. So nowN if he hurts you, you aren't allowed to acknowledge that because then he might be upset? Bollocks.

If thisnis genuinely q once off, fine, but this behaviour isnt ok and I suspect when he does come back he is going to insist on a long list of reasons why you were bad and he was justified. He wont care at all how his reaction affected you.

Maybe his ex was abusive, maybe not. But punishing you for her is not ok. He needs therapy.

Personally, I thibk this will get worse and worse. Its 2 years noe and the mask is slipping.

Alton towers holiday, shard locations as there was a group of us and people wanted to do different things. We just never got round to unsharing, we don’t track each other but my point was if he was cheating I’m sure that would be the first thing he did

I would say yo anyone still carrying trauma from previous relationships to have therapy and work on healing themselves before that go into another relationship.

If you are still carrying your baggage and you take it out on your new partner, you’re not in
the headspace to be in another relationship yet.

I dont think that is a realistic view of humans. We don't work like that and as we age, the chances of us having adverse experiences is higher just because we have been around longer.

I think it's how you take it out on your partner that ultimately defines how acceptable it is.

This sounds very unfair to me. So he is allowed to flounce off and lick his wounds for an undefined period during which you must wait and see if he deigns to speak to you, and that’s due to his past trauma. And we apparently must give him leeway and understanding for this because of his past.
What about your past? How about your past affects you, just like his affects him, and therefore your reaction was a natural one? Where’s your leeway?
Totally unfair of him to react in the way he has instead of just coming out with what was obviously bothering him in the first place and unsettling you, he sounds like a man child. And to strop off now due to his previous experiences while simultaneously totally disregarding yours is outrageous IMO.
And he’s got you so convinced that you’re totally in the wrong, you’ll be tripping over yourself not to speak up next time he’s a dick lest you trigger him again.
Don’t be so sure that this isn’t emotional abuse OP, stay alert and put your own feelings first, not his.
Also some very mean and unnecessary replies on this thread so far when you’re already having a tough time. I hope they haven’t upset you further.
Best of luck to you 💛

I do have my own trauma/triggers but I went through a lot of therapy to learn how to manage them although I do slip up sometimes!

thank you so much, they haven’t upset me I feel sorry for people who go out of their way to make someone feel low. Says more about them and their inner self than it does me and mine! ❤️

Sorry OP, I think you’ve behaved appallingly here. You partner was struggling with something , when he finally felt able to open up to you about it, you accused him of lying for not opening up sooner. That is an incredibly egocentric, borderline narcissistic thing to do. It’s a cruel thing to do to anyone but to someone with you partner’s background it must have been devastating and mainlined right to the centred of his trauma. You didn’t hear and see your partner at all, just yourself.

Your own account of your apology makes it clear this was a non-apology in which you completely failed to see how you behaved. Instead of realizing that he had not lied, that this was a conpletely unjustified accusation and you were cruel to accuse him of it, instead of that you kept repeating that you should not have focused on him lying ( thus making clear that you think he had and you were right to think like this). He was 100 percent correct when he said your ‘apology’ was focused on justifying yourself instead of recognizing you did something wrong that caused harm.

Your behaviour was cruel and your ‘apology’ compounded this. I completely understands why he needs space.

If he were my friend I would encourage him to seriously rethink if he wants to be with you. You’ve shown him who you really are, and he should believe that. You were utterly self obsessed with your own feelings to the utter and complete disregard of his.

It is normal for people to say ‘I’m just tired’ when they have feelings they can’t speak about yet. Thats normal. When he does open up for your response to be ‘oh my god. Look at how you made me feel, you lied’. Is dreadful. You should have been pleased him was opening up and supported him, instead you attacked him in his moment of vulnerability.

That says a lot about you.

How could he feel safe opening up to you again? I think he should leave you. I suspect the wound you created is very deep.

I agree with you. I was completely out of line.

There's therapy, counselling, self-help and self-discipline.

There's no acceptable "taking it out" on new partners. Otherwise you're just continuing the cycle of abuse.

The next partner is not an emotional punchbag or rehabilitation centre for prior trauma.

To be honest, if I were him I'd be re-thinking the relationship right now.

When I'm down about something, it can sometimes take me a few days to actually figure out what the issue is, and feel ready to talk about it. If DP then made it all about herself and accused me of lying to her, I'd find it incredibly hurtful.

I'd not be considering leaving her, because we've been together 20 years and I'd know that this was out of character for her. Unfortunately, by the sounds of it this is the first time your partner has needed support like this, and he'll now be wondering if this is how it's likely to go every time he tries to open up to you.

I think you need to work under the assumption that the relationship is over here. I'd send him one more message, with a proper apology that explains that you know exactly how you've fucked up, and that it won't happen again. Tell him you hope this isn't the end, but if it is, you've had a wonderful couple of years with him.

And then leave it in his court. Hopefully he's not a twat and will come back to you quickly, either to forgive or end the relationship properly. I'd take a very dim view of him if he left you hanging for more than a day or so, and you should be reconsidering the relationship yourself if he does.

He Wouldn’t be for me OP. Silent treatment/stone walling over a minor disagreement isn’t something I can tolerate and it can be a tactic to maintain the upper hand and control in a relationship. I would be questioning what he says about his ex and whether he just didn’t like her disagreeing with him.

What's it to you if two people who aren't you want to do this in their relationship? Why did it jump out at you? What do you think it means?