Boyfriend asked for space after first argument, is this a breakup?

[ForOpalEagle]

me and my boyfriend of 2 years have a really loving relationship, we were both in quite abusive relationships before we met and due to his previous relationship he struggles with communicating his feelings, he said it mainly stems from his previous girlfriend often invalidating how he feels. He hasn’t had any therapy for this issue but it hasn’t been a problem until a couple of days ago, I will try to keep the next part shot but I want to give as much info as I can.

last week he was really off, everytime I asked he said he was fine and it was just tiredness, fast forward to 2 days ago he starts telling me he isn’t happy, he doesn’t get any time to himself and he feels unstable in life, I ask if there’s anything I can do to help he says no because it isn’t us he feels unstable about, stupidly I asked why he didn’t just tell me this week and said I kinda felt lied too… this leads us to our first ever argument, by my standards it didn’t seem bad, we wasn’t shouting at each other but it was late at night so we both went to bed angry…

the next day he says he needs space to reflect, I understand this and agreed to leave him be, 24 hrs of no contact pass by and I start to feel anxious as he never stated how long all he said was I won’t be seeing you at the weekend, so I reach out and politely ask if he had a rough timeline in mind for us to talk. He says no because I made him feel how his ex did and he feels like he can only express his feelings as long as it doesn’t upset anyone, I feel terrible for this I apologised and explained that I felt lied to, I accepted responsibility for not communicating better and said in hindsight I should’ve just listened instead of fixating on the idea of him potentially lying to me, he then said I should stop trying to justify it, I sensed he was still angry so I apologised again and I said I was here if/when he was to talk.
im now back in limbo with no idea what’s going on.

my question is really is this a soft break up or does he genuinely need time to process?

my anxiety is telling me that by waiting for him I’m just delaying the inevitable, but I love him so much I dont think I can walk away.

Would you tell a woman that has been horrifically abused in her past that she souldnt carry that baggage into future relationships?

Every relationship is wonderful until it’s not. And that’s when you find out if you’re compatible or not and it the relationship has legs. You’re not. The two of you can’t resolve conflict. You both sound very very immature at relationships, and I don’t mean that unkindly, as you get that through your upbringing or experience, so you both need to work through communicating in conflict first.

He's not 'giving her silent treatment' he said he needs space and he's taking it. That's not the same thing.

I'm not saying they don't carry it, but they don't visit it on the other person and they do the work to do better for each other.

Being abused is not an excuse to inflict abuse on a new person.

i understand what you’re saying, but I’m not the kind of person who thinks men shouldn’t show emotion, admittedly I messed up big time with this one and I accepted accountability doesn’t change the fact that it happened and I can’t take it back unfortunately. I know what I caused, I came here for advice because I’ve never experienced this before, I’ve had 2 relationships and my first shouted, screamed and lashed out so having some one withdraw is completely new territory for me.

Why does he sound immature? Because he needs space to process? Can you explain in detail what makes him immature?

I disagree this is emotional abuse. He asked for space. He's taking space. It's not abusive to need space to think and get over being hurt.

You may not be, but you've asked in a place where a lot of people do think exactly that. You can see from this thread. If I wanted to know what my male partner might be thinking and I chose an Internet forum to ask, I'd ask other men. People more like him.

Why would you ask here?

also sorry to point out. I didn’t accuse him of lying for wanting to take space. I stupidly accused him of lying to me when he said nothing was wrong, he’s just tired. It was the accusation that lead to the need for space

Not having an argument in two years isn’t a good thing. It’s absolutely normal and healthy to have disagreements how else do you learn how to communicate about tough topics and navigate life?

It sounds very surface level and not a proper representation of a real relationship.

Stonewalling and the silent treatment are emotionally abusive behaviours. OP is left wondering if he's broken up with her.

It's not a healthy way to respond to their first ever argument.

That’s a good idea thank you, A man’s perspective is really helpful

I wouldn’t be happy with this op, it’s not realistic to never argue and if anytime you argue he takes off and refuses to communicate you are going to find yourself tiptoeing around him trying not to upset him because you don’t want him to leave. That’s not healthy, from what you described neither of you did anything particularly wrong, he doesn’t have to tell you how he’s feeling immediately and it’s not lying to do so but equally he should understand you might feel a bit hurt if he’s not communicating with you. His reaction to this disagreement is way over the top.

id also be concerned for the level of concern he has for his own feelings and the lack of concern he has for yours. He know you are upset and he doesn’t care enough to talk to you.

Thank you. I do think in this instance he should be putting his feelings before mine and I’m ok with that, but I do agree that this isn’t healthy and a proper conversation needs to be had

No, I know. But people here have said he is lying for wanting space. That's because they don't believe men have the emotional capacity to need such things.

Honestly, it is a bit of a narcissistic trait when you can't imagine that someone's poor mood could revolve around things other than you and your relationship with them. I think you should reflect on that. Sometimes it's a sign that your love life is the sole important part of YOUR life so you assume it must be the same for others.

That's when you do things like not give your partner room to have a range of moods and emotions because you assume they are always connected to you. You get anxious when they are down because you think it means they will dump you (or because you have a history of abuse and you associate their poor mood with them lashing out). If you can stop them having the mood, you wont feel bad (and for some, wont get hurt).

Maybe OP should wonder why she feels that a bit of space means a break up after 2 years.

If the relationship recovers I certainly wouldn't move in with him.
You will spend your life walking on egg shells to make sure he doesn't need 'space' or give you the silent treatment again.

I don’t think I’m narcissistic, I am giving room. I only reached out to see if he had a rough time frame. Obviously I’d like to put right where I went wrong but I also understand he isn’t ready for that.

Because in all honestly I’m desperate. I know my friends would take my side even though I’m in the wrong, so I thought I’d try here.

He's not stonewalling or giving silent treatment though. He SAID he needed space and he's taking it. He's not ignoring her or refusing to speak to her. He is asserting a boundary.

I dont think you are a narcissist but that kind of assumption that "it must be about me" is a narcissistic trait.

I think asking someone how long they Will need emotional space to process is kind of missing the point.

I'd honestly speak to other men who might have some actual insight into what's going on. I don't think many women on this site, will tell you anything healthy or moral.

If you know a lot of women who would resent giving a man personal space, then I'd try and meet some better people.

I disagree. I don’t think it’s a good or bad thing it’s just us. Yes arguments are normal but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s normal for every relationship

Unless you want to spend the rest of your life paying the price for his past abusive relationship, I would get out now. You are right, this is hard work, much harder than it should be.

And also disagreements don't necessary mean arguments. It's telling when someone thinks otherwise.