Boyfriend asked for space after first argument, is this a breakup?

[ForOpalEagle]

me and my boyfriend of 2 years have a really loving relationship, we were both in quite abusive relationships before we met and due to his previous relationship he struggles with communicating his feelings, he said it mainly stems from his previous girlfriend often invalidating how he feels. He hasn’t had any therapy for this issue but it hasn’t been a problem until a couple of days ago, I will try to keep the next part shot but I want to give as much info as I can.

last week he was really off, everytime I asked he said he was fine and it was just tiredness, fast forward to 2 days ago he starts telling me he isn’t happy, he doesn’t get any time to himself and he feels unstable in life, I ask if there’s anything I can do to help he says no because it isn’t us he feels unstable about, stupidly I asked why he didn’t just tell me this week and said I kinda felt lied too… this leads us to our first ever argument, by my standards it didn’t seem bad, we wasn’t shouting at each other but it was late at night so we both went to bed angry…

the next day he says he needs space to reflect, I understand this and agreed to leave him be, 24 hrs of no contact pass by and I start to feel anxious as he never stated how long all he said was I won’t be seeing you at the weekend, so I reach out and politely ask if he had a rough timeline in mind for us to talk. He says no because I made him feel how his ex did and he feels like he can only express his feelings as long as it doesn’t upset anyone, I feel terrible for this I apologised and explained that I felt lied to, I accepted responsibility for not communicating better and said in hindsight I should’ve just listened instead of fixating on the idea of him potentially lying to me, he then said I should stop trying to justify it, I sensed he was still angry so I apologised again and I said I was here if/when he was to talk.
im now back in limbo with no idea what’s going on.

my question is really is this a soft break up or does he genuinely need time to process?

my anxiety is telling me that by waiting for him I’m just delaying the inevitable, but I love him so much I dont think I can walk away.

He's not taking it out on her though. He has been triggered due to trauma from a previous abusive relationship and he's taking space to process that. He's done nothing wrong!

A) this isn't stonewalling
b) this is the first time this has happened in 2 years. It's not a pattern of behaviour.

@ForOpalEagle It’s horrible when we think we’ve fucked up something good but i do think that your relationship was less secure than it seemed to you if your partner throws 2 good years down the pan over this.

Your reaction - to accuse him of lying - was odd and suggests to me that you were also being triggered in some way. But most people have baggage and triggers by middle age and it should be possible for each to find some grace for the other - not, of course, to forgive really bad behaviour or abuse - but to forgive people occasionally saying the wrong thing.

Hopefully this resolves itself but if this is the end, OP, it is most definitely not all on you.

Yeah I think there is. Asking for space is an acceptable way to "take it out" on a new partner when they trigger you.

I think this is where our expectations of men can let everyone down. We expect them to be the protectors and providers with no emotional needs or vulnerability of their own. And then lament when men are habitually emotionally unavailable.

“I think this is where our expectations of men can let everyone down. We expect them to be the protectors and providers with no emotional needs or vulnerability of their own. And then lament when men are habitually emotionally unavailable.”

@GlovedhandsCecilia - those might be your expectations but they’re certainly not mine. I don’t think many of my friends or relatives would recognise that description either. We provide for ourselves and have mutually supportive relationships with our male partners including allowing them to express emotions. I’m in my mid-50s. Growing up both my parents work and i saw my mum give emotional support to my father as well as the other way round.

Debatable.

I think there are healthy ways of taking time out and unhealthy ways.

"Taking space" shouldn't involve going silent with no time frame, leaving the other person hanging and uncertain, blaming themselves. It's disrespectful and cruel to just cut someone off.

It should be more framed as "I'm feeling overwhelmed, I'll check in with you at xx time" and then checking in as expected, if you need that space.

He's not the only person whose feelings matter or who might be triggered.

If you're not living together then it slightly surprises me that "24 hrs of no contact" is unusual for you. I think I would find it a bit suffocating if a boyfriend I wasn't living with was in touch every single day. But the important thing is that it doesn't feel right to you. Given the subject matter of the argument, I don't think you should be too quick to chase a response - it sounds a if he's genuinely feeling a bit overwhelmed, maybe panicked by his own suggestion of living together and wondering whether he could really cope with that. He may be off somewhere asking a different group of people for advice right now! I wouldn't write him off though. For me I think 3 days would be a suitable time to get in touch and see how he is. You would need to phrase it sensitively though - not "why haven't you called?" but something along the lines of "just wondered how you're feeling now and do you need anything?"

Whatever you do, don’t move in with him. You can’t have your dd living with an adult who ‘withdraws for their space’ when cross.

I think that it is fair to say it is a societal expectation.

@GlovedhandsCecilia - i don’t think it is a societal expectation. Certainly not any more but i’ve never seen much evidence of it. What i have seen is that men do look to their life partners for support. They get it from the women in their life; they may not get it from their male friends but that’s a different matter. And actually i’ve seen plenty of supportive male friendships.

Well, maybe in conservative parts of the US - to be honest, it all sounds a bit “tradwifey” to me - the idea that men protect and provide - they’re big and strong and aren’t allowed to express feelings. It’s a bit simplistic.

You told the OP upthread that most women on MN aren’t to be trusted (I actually reported that post). It should be possible to disagree without taking that stance. However, given you posted that, it seems to me you may have an agenda which is not necessarily that supportive to women in general.

That might be your expectations but it’s certainly not mine.

That sort of view of men sounds like it’s straight from the 1950’s - I’m 60 years old and that’s certainly not been the norm in my lifetime.

The experience ration of being equal parties who protect provide and support each other is far more prevalent I would say

This. He’s training you. And you will learn it accept it.

We can see how the vast majority of posters reacted to this man wanting space.

I never said that most women can't be trusted!

A little space is fine but I’d find 24 hours bizarre. Why does it take a full day to get over something so small? Especially as OP has apologised. I just couldn’t be arsed with that.

@GlovedhandsCecilia - i paraphrased from memory. What you said is pasted below. It amounts to the same thing; in fact, what you said is arguably worse:

“GlovedhandsCecilia · Today 06:37
ForOpalEagle · Today 06:35
Because in all honestly I’m desperate. I know my friends would take my side even though I’m in the wrong, so I thought I’d try here.
Show quote history

I'd honestly speak to other men who might have some actual insight into what's going on. I don't think many women on this site, will tell you anything healthy or moral.”

So yes, i stand by what i said: it seems to me you may have an agenda which is not necessarily that supportive of women.

No it doesn't - behave.

That's exactly how I saw it too. It's misogynistic.

I'm sorry you're struggling with this, it's not nice.

you say you know you did the wrong thing saying you felt lied to, but saying 'nothings wrong' is kind of lying. He would have been better to say he didn't know what was up with him he just felt a bit off/not himself or whatever. But saying you felt lied to when he did try to explain what was wrong definitely wasn't helpful 😌

'Space' I personally think saying you 'need space' is a bit drama llama. Male or female. Far better to just say you're going to do x on Saturday, but do you fancy doing y on Sunday?

I don't think the time can be quantified though when someone 'needs space'

im older now (57) & frankly, someone 'needing space' rather than being able to have a discussion, would get ALL the space & when/if they contacted me I'd decide whether I wanted to see them again or not. But I think that comes with age & experience, when I was younger I'd definitely have fretted over 'for how long'???

once thus has all calmed down (presuming it does) you need to talk about how to resolve any disagreements in the future. It needs to work for you both!

How old are your girls?

i have an update… he thanked me for realising where I went wrong, he said he needed time in solitude as he doesn’t want to make any rash decisions or say something he doesn’t mean. Still not sure how to take that but I’m leaving the ball in his court, thank you for all the advice and constructive criticism.

You were very gracious OP. Hopefully he had the good manners to own the part he played in the argument. It wasn't all your fault.x

thank you, I hope so and I hope we can move forward. If not, it’s a lesson learned I guess.

I think that you shouldn't of accused him of lying. Look people process things differently. Im a lets not go to bed angry, my partner is i need space to process my feelings and talk tomorrow. This then triggers me anxiety, clearly anxious attachment type. So I have explained to my partner fine you can have space I now know it means processing feelings not that you suddenly gling to break up with me, however I need a definite time we talk to help me.manahe my anxiety thay will evidently rear its head with silence.

If this is your first proper fight you are just leanrong then what and how each of you deals with it.

Give him his space see what happens, grt on with your life fill your time and then come back together and if you need to talk to him more aboit handling it better in future have that conversation a few weeks later when its all calm again.

There is nothing wrong with him asking for space he might not understand its not helping your emotions and what you need.

I said women on this site which is with out a doubt true. This site isnt representative of all women. It is true that I think the OP could get more insightful answers from men on this issue.