Boyfriend asked for space after first argument, is this a breakup?

[ForOpalEagle]

me and my boyfriend of 2 years have a really loving relationship, we were both in quite abusive relationships before we met and due to his previous relationship he struggles with communicating his feelings, he said it mainly stems from his previous girlfriend often invalidating how he feels. He hasn’t had any therapy for this issue but it hasn’t been a problem until a couple of days ago, I will try to keep the next part shot but I want to give as much info as I can.

last week he was really off, everytime I asked he said he was fine and it was just tiredness, fast forward to 2 days ago he starts telling me he isn’t happy, he doesn’t get any time to himself and he feels unstable in life, I ask if there’s anything I can do to help he says no because it isn’t us he feels unstable about, stupidly I asked why he didn’t just tell me this week and said I kinda felt lied too… this leads us to our first ever argument, by my standards it didn’t seem bad, we wasn’t shouting at each other but it was late at night so we both went to bed angry…

the next day he says he needs space to reflect, I understand this and agreed to leave him be, 24 hrs of no contact pass by and I start to feel anxious as he never stated how long all he said was I won’t be seeing you at the weekend, so I reach out and politely ask if he had a rough timeline in mind for us to talk. He says no because I made him feel how his ex did and he feels like he can only express his feelings as long as it doesn’t upset anyone, I feel terrible for this I apologised and explained that I felt lied to, I accepted responsibility for not communicating better and said in hindsight I should’ve just listened instead of fixating on the idea of him potentially lying to me, he then said I should stop trying to justify it, I sensed he was still angry so I apologised again and I said I was here if/when he was to talk.
im now back in limbo with no idea what’s going on.

my question is really is this a soft break up or does he genuinely need time to process?

my anxiety is telling me that by waiting for him I’m just delaying the inevitable, but I love him so much I dont think I can walk away.

OP it seems to me that he's telling you he is not able to sustain a relationship at the moment. It's sad because you obviously care, but he can't bear intimacy or understand how his behaviour affects you, so it can't work.

Ok. I fully draw the line at my daughter being mentioned. No she is not. Because she doesn’t see or hear any of this, I left a DV relationship and I wouldn’t let her experience any of that. So if you can’t be kind please don’t comment.

My god. I was single for 5 years after that relationship. Sounds like you’re just here to have an argument please stop commenting

It depends entirely on the circumstances and what I know about the person. I can't give a definite time.

I know that generally, people can "heal" from things like this by having new experiences with new people. If I show that I am comfortable with their need for space and I won't violate it, and will still be here and ready to reasonably discuss when they come back, then next time they might not be as apprehensive about processing with me.

At any time, I might decide this is too much for me and opt out of our relationship. That would be because we are incompatible. Not because either person is bad or abusive.

I'm surprised by the number of posts saying he is out of order just for asking for a little bit of space.

Asking for a bit of space is something I often do. It doesnt mean I want to break up. It means I want some time on my own to process and often to let the emotions settle into a more reasonable space.

Shouldn't someone be allowed space without being told they're abusive? Is time alone and quiet not allowed?

I think you made his difficulty with feeling as he did all about you by saying you felt lied to. You've apologized for that- you can see you did it. I don't think you need apologize again but I definitely would try not to do it again. Now let him have his space.

I don't believe a good two year relationship would be over because of one argument. And if it is- it would have been over anyway- a relationship needs to be able to withstand conflict to survive.

He sounds very immature...what does " unstable in life" actually mean ?
I think this is a lot of drama driven by him... firstly he wouldn't tell you why he was in an office mood....first red flag...no doubt got you worrying about him or whether it was something you did...then he comes out with some drivel about being unstable in life...then gets in a big sulk when you are upset he hasn't told you what's caused his weird mood in the first place.
He's not needing time to process...he's punishing you and training you to accept his behavior which is frankly weird and very icky

"off mood"...not office !

Yes I work. Believe it or not I can juggle work, my child, 3 dogs, a horse, keep a household and still have relationship problems without any of those things being affected… do you work? Because I find it depression and concerning that you feel the need to bash a person who is already feeling pretty down.

Nope sorry. A couple of hours to get your head together is one thing, but an open ended couple of days? I don’t think that’s reasonable at all personally.

Tedious drama. Relationship has run its course. 💐

I think it's fine, give him space and see what happens Don't make it hard work, you don't need to apologise any more you've said your piece. Of couree, if you're not happy with the space he's asking for then end things yourself. But I don't really see he's done much wrong.

One fall out and it’s high drama? Ok.

You don't think someone has the right to a few days alone if thats what they want?

I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who refused to allow me space. I've never ever met someone, friend or more serious who wouldn't allow me space if I wanted.

( apart from my kids of course- who don't allow me the space to shit sometimes )

Thank you

Okay, I'd be fine with that. A couple of days is easy to fill.

“Do you work?” Seriously??

For me the red flag here is that he is telling you that you behaved like his ex .. or made him feel like his ex did . And he said she was abusive. My guess is she wasn’t but he views any kind of d behaviour from others where they assert a boundary or their needs as abuse.

watch what he does now . If he expect things to go back to normal without a discussion where you are both to blame then run for the hills. My guess is he will want no discussion at all but maybe a small one where you have to apologise again and then things will go back to normal… but you have been ever so slightly made smaller and been trained that you are responsible for his emotions…. Be careful op.

You say that it's the first time you've disagreed as though that's a positive thing. Its not

Disagreements are part of all types of relationships. How you both navigate each disagreement - with respect, kindness and maturity - indicates how strong the relationship is

Your first disagreement and he's acting like an 8 year old

Your relationship isn't positive. It's toxic

And after his childishness the relationship will become even more toxic because you'll be too scared to raise any issues in case Big Baby Man Child kicks off on his controlling pathway again

This is what happens when you have a requirement. You've been passive and compliant so far which is why you haven't had a 'row" because you haven't forced an issue.

To disappear without any contact or timeline of checking in again is stonewalling, it's not space.

I'm not sure if this is what you call a soft breakup, but he'd have my boot up his arse at this point, because he's clearly not emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship at this point in his life. I wouldn't be his guinea pig or his rehab while he works out his shit.

It’s not that - here the couple has apparently never had an argument in 2 years and then when they do, one of them needs multiple days to get over it. That amount of withdrawing /sulking / punishment/ whatever you want to call it seems excessive.

Going off to do things in general is fine it’s the “after an argument” element that is problematic.