Friendship ended over a sigh.

[JalapenoFeverDream]

I'm utterly perplexed by what's happened with me and my friend. Been friends about 15 years, loads in common, had some breaks together, nights in, and nights out. We live in different towns about 18 miles apart and due to opposite work schedules, we don't get to meet up as often as we'd like.

A few weeks ago, we realised Sunday was a day were could both meet up, and arranged to meet at a village close to her town. I had plans late morning / early lunchtime and we discussed meeting up afterwards.

On the day, we spoke on text to arrange a time, she said she had some errands to run, so asked if I could give her a rough time, such as 2pm or 3pm so she knew how much time she had to get things done. I said, let's say 2pm tentatively, but I'll confirm for sure shortly.

Just after midday, I text and said 2pm was looking tight, so can we meet at 3pm. She replied much later saying can we make it quarter past as she's still running errands, no probs I say.

I get to the village at the agreed time and she's not there. After 5 mins waiting, I call to check she's okay and she's only just left her town and will be 10-15 mins. I was busting for a wee, in a farm shop with no facilities. So this is where it started to go awry...

In response to my friend due to be arriving 15 mins late, I inadvertently let out a small sigh, not a deep sigh, literally a short disappointed sigh, followed by me saying, "Oh... okay mate. I'll see you soon then." There was 100% no annoyed tone to my voice. I was looking forward to seeing her. The sigh was totally inadvertent, like rolling your eyes, or like wrinkling your nose in disgust at something.

Well, she went bat shit at me, screaming and swearing at me, "Don't you fucking sigh at me! I've planned my whole fucking day around you! Don't you dare fucking sigh at me!"

I was honestly taken aback by how she went from nought to screaming at me.

I ventured to interrupt her tirade to say it sounds like maybe it's best to not meet up, and let's rearrange. But before I could get a word in, she said, "You know what? You can fuck off. I'm not fucking meeting you now, so fuck off!" Then hung up on me.

I was upset, but thought I'd not bother trying to call her back as she was obviously angry. So, I'd let it settle and drive back to my town.

I got home, and found that she'd blocked me on Instagram, FB, phone and WhatsApp. Which seems way over the top and childish.

I have a separate Facebook account for my work, so I sent her a message from there which probably went to her "Other" inbox.

My message said I was shocked and disgusted at the way she spoke me to me and that while I totally understand the inadvertent sigh may have been annoying, her response to it was wholly disproportionate.

I also remarked that I resented her saying she planned her "whole fucking day" around me. We agreed that 2pm was tentative, I gave her two hours notice to move it and if anything, me moving it to 3pm gave her extra time to get her errands completed.

I finished the message saying that what's done is done, I'm saddened and that I'll post her birthday present that I'd brought with me. (Her birthday was the week we were meant to meet.)

Not heard from her since. I never fall out out with my friends, hence no idea how to navigate it.

As I'm upset, I spoke to a couple of my close friends who don't really know her, one said to leave her be now, the ball's in her court. She agrees with me that her reaction was OTT, but maybe there's a reason.

My other friend said she'd bin her off, even if she came back and apologised, as being spoken to like that would be the last time she's being spoken to like that.

Firstly, AIBU in thinking her reaction (the tirade and mass blocking) was OTT?

Secondly, what would your next steps be? I'm erring on just leaving it.

We were going to the pub after the farm shop.

So why not say you need to go to the pub for a wee?

Why were you meeting at a farm shop with no facilities ?
Why not somewhere with a cafe and loo ?

I called her after five minutes as I saw I had two missed calls.

Crikey if I was her id have said "I know im sorry I know im a twat Barbara 🤣 ill be there as soon as I can, you get the wine/coffee sorted and ill get the next ones"

She massively overreacted, if its out of character id be a bit worried but if shes got form then just be thankful shes made the decision to cut you off, sad as it is.

I think she felt guilty over running late and your sigh was what called her out on it and she just lost it owing to knowing it was her fault. Does she have form for not being able to take blame or not liking being in the wrong?

I also think you've just found out exactly why she gets dropped by friends. I've been exasperated at friends before for their timekeeping (my oldest friend just CANNOT be on time), but they take my mild irritation in her stride, apologise and we just carry on as usual - none of us are confrontational though.

I appreciate everyone's different views and highlighting the part I played. But I still feel some folk are missing some points.

It's not a case of not prioritising one another or my friend sat there waiting for me to pick a time.

We both had plans before meeting, we both didn't know how long those plans might take but my friend asked for a rough time to aim for. I hoped I could get there for 2pm, but said I'd let her know when I got to event. I got there, saw that 2pm was ambitious and let her know immediately as agreed. As she was running errands that gave her an extra hour to get stuff done.

But that hour obviously wasn't enough anyway as she asked to push it back another 15 mins (no problem) and was then 10-15 mins on top of that new time.

I called her after five minutes as I checked my phone to see if I had texts and I had two missed calls from her. So I called her back.

PPs saying this must be a long line of me pissing her off, I completely refute that. We both work and both have side jobs, she also works shifts. When we meet, it usually takes some time to find a date we can both make.

As she is single and I'm not, I have a partner to pick up the slack at home and, therefore, I usually do the running and go to see her in her town, meaning less pressure on her. 80% of the time it's where she lives or nearby.

I remember her birthday every year, she never remembers mine as she's "shit with dates" (her words) and she's always apologetic when she realised she missed it. But it genuinely doesn't bother me, I don't give to receive. I'm merely mentioning it to show that I believe I'm a good friend.

Furthermore, I genuinely never fall out with anyone, not even my DP. I can't tell you the last time I fell out with a friend. Hence this who situation took me off guard.

As I say. I appreciate the advice and I'm just going to leave it now. Ball is in her court. So it's up to her.

I think we need to accept that the sigh was not meant to be heard by the friend.
There are sighs and sighs!

There is the exaggerated sigh which is done on purpose and says I am deeply unhappy with you, and there is the spontaneous sigh which is supposed to be unheard and a normal reaction to having to wait a bit longer in the cold when needing the loo.

You seem to be giving us a lot of drip feeds on your friend’s previous behaviour OP.

Under normal circumstances I would have thought that a person must be under a lot of stress to have reacted like that, even though you had been messing her around a bit all day. I think messaging her to say you were disgusted with her without finding out what was behind her outburst was a mistake. But if she has prior form for this kind of behaviour, then do you want to remain friends?

I don't think her behaviour is justified but I do think you need to watch non verbal communication such as sighs and eye rolls, and I don't think you can just wave them off as inadvertent. Ultimately they communicate annoyance and are rude (especially given you had put her back). People who do this often maintain they haven't done/said anything, but they absolutely have, just not with words.

To be honest, it 's best to keep a day pretty clear if you're meeting someone you rarely see, and not fit so much in. Setting a time to met when you have other commitments that you don't know how long they will take is a recipe for disaster.

You could have got round that by agreeing to meet somewhere with facilities- the pub- and got your own drink etc, waiting for her.

Your friendship sounds one-sided and what with her missing your birthdays it doesn't sound as if she places much value on your friendship.
Sometimes friendships drift and it only takes on small thing for the other person to use that as a reason to end it.

Her behaviour was 100% out of order - there is no excuse for shouting and swearing at a friend. It's immature and just unacceptable.

I think you should let it go and accept you've outgrown each other.

I think it's YOU who sealed the ending of the friendship.

She obviously has something going on, or was having a really bad day, was stressed and running round in a flap and gave a disproportionate response to your sigh. She then blocked you. At this point you could have messaged saying something like "Hey lovely, big shame about yesterday. I'm gutted we couldn't meet up, and I'm sorry my sigh upset you so much, it wasn't intentional. You were seemed stressed I'm worried about you. Please unblock me so we can chat and sort things. It's not nice knowing you were so angry".

But instead you told her you were disgusted at her, (which you might have been but didn't help resolve the situation by telling her). "What's done is done" is difficult to interpret whether you meant "Let's put this in the past, forget it and move on. Now when are we next meeting up?" or whether you meant "It's over. It's done. I've moved on. I'm done with you". Then you told her you'd post the present - no desire to see her again.

She wrote the contract for ending the friendship and pushed it across the table. And you rubber stamped it and pushed it back. You both sound better off without one another.

Before we had mobile phones, people used to just pick times and stick to them, now it is too easy to change so people do

I’m surprised by how many people would seemingly be understanding of a friend shouting and swearing at them down the phone over a small inconvenience. Regardless of how much you “pissed her off”, that’s not acceptable behaviour. I appreciate we’re all human and get frustrated sometimes, but that’s another level of disrespect! I’d never speak to someone that way so I absolutely wouldn’t tolerate being on the receiving end.

If it was me, I’d leave her to it. Something tells me she won’t be in a hurry to apologise.

I agree with this.

I think there was probably some fault on both sides, but I wouldn’t be interested in maintaining a friendship with someone who talks to people the way she spoke to you so I’d just leave it.

I would guess shes been fed up with you for ages and this was the last straw, you were rude as others have said just choose a time to meet, it was her birthday and she probably felt disgarded,

"She's fallen out with most of her close friends at one time or another, on multiple occasions." She obviously has trouble regulating her emotions - immediately blocking you over a sigh is unreasonable. She also sounds like a shit friend, always forgetting your birthday, always apologising afterwards, never actually changing her behaviour (it's not hard to put a reminder in your phone calendar). The fact that you are very relaxed, will "never" fall out with anyone, not even your DP seems to be important to you - it's ok to get angry when someone pushes a boundary, you don't just have to flex that boundary to keep the peace and sweep things under the carpet.

I think people are being quite disingenuous and I also dont think they would be fine with this kind of verbal abuse if it happened to them in real life.

I think if someone did it to them they would find it wholly unacceptable.

Its very easy online to take the moral high ground when you arent the one being shouted and sworn at

I agree with this. To me, everything else fades into insignificance really when you consider the screaming and swearing down the phone. I just wouldn’t want to have a friendship with someone who behaves like that so I’d walk away.

Why didn’t you meet at the pub?

Well, if this is her MO and she has form for this type of behaviour, it shouldn't be a massive surprise when the chickens finally come home to roost for YOU. You're not special, you're probably just the latest victim.

Having said that, I wouldn't have sent her messages from another account after she'd blocked you and I sure wouldn't sending her birthday presents. Take her at her word and let the friendship go. You'd surely be waking on eggshells around her after this anyway?

It sounds as good f you both are in the habit of having loose plans and changing things a lot. If that's normal for you that's ok. I can't abide this approach. If we're meeting at a certain time then that's what I'll really try to do. I had a friend who would usually after making a firm plan, say meet 6pm for a walk. Message on the day, ask if we can change it to tomorrow, then change her mind and say she's not sure she fancies it, them confirms she does. Then an hour before asks to make it 8pm. It drove me insane and I no longer see her as it felt hugely disrespectful and entitled behaviour.

It doesn't work like that; she may not have started certain chores if you had met at 2.00. Making it 3.00 meant she was wasting an hour if she didn't do chores.
You changed the time, and keep saying 'confirmed', as if it's up to you; she was late, which is different.

I've read TFT and you're not taking on board anything that posters are saying to you which advises you to take a look at your own actions. All you're doing throughout is being defensive and adding further information against her.

1. I think you are passive aggressive. Your sigh was PA. You have stated twice that your sigh was 'inadvertent'. You cannot sigh inadvertently. A sigh is a deliberate expression of frustration. And your post about how other friends have previously found her difficult but you've never had difficulties because you've always been relaxed when she's snapped at you in the past, is a PA comment.
2. I think you are controlling. Controlling with what time you make her meet you. Controlling whether or not you will meet at that time or not, using the word 'tentatively' to make sure she knows you might change the time if you want to. Controlling by changing the time you make her meet you. Controlling by finding a way to get your message through to her despite her blocking you on every level she knew how to. You're saying "Well you might well have blocked me on Instagram, FB, phone and WhatsApp, but I'm damn well going go make sure I find another way to message you so I can tell you what I think of your outburst!" That in itself is very controlling behaviour. It's also odd. Why would you go to the lengths of finding a way of still messaging her when she'd blocked you on 4 different ways of contacting her?! Why on earth didn't you get the message by this that she didn't want you messaging her? Why persist like that? I mean, you must have persisted through each one.....Called her: blocked. Hmm. Shall I take the hint? No. I'm not having that. I want to message her. I'll move on to the next one. WhattsApp: blocked. Oh. Should I take the hint yet? No. I'm not having that. I want to message her. IG: blocked. Take the hint? No! I want to message her! FB blocked. Right. I'm not having this. I want to message her. I know what I'll do. I'll use an option she might not have thought of, my separate work FB account, and I'll make sure I get my message through to her because I want my say about how disgusted I am with her." She has made it clear she doesn't want any further contact from you yet you still plan on sending her the present you bought for her. This is all very controlling behaviour OP. Very controlling indeed.
3. You are arrogant. As your friend rightly said to you "I've planned my whole day around you! Don't you dare sigh at me!". Yet you can't for the life of you see what you've done wrong! You literally cannot see your part in her upset! You appear oblivious as to what you've done that could possibly have upset her!
4. You are way too defensive. All the way through your main post, all I read is 'defensive, defensive, defensive'. At every point. Even citing 2 other friends who don't even know her as both being on your side. And you've been defensive in subsequent posts. I don't actually believe you are genuinely asking if you AIBU. You have strived to portray her as being the one in the wrong. I think you posted here for back up and validation that her actions were wrong and your actions were innocent and right. This level of defensiveness backs up my point about your arrogance.

I think you have lost this friendship. But I do genuinely advise you to reflect on your part in all of this, learn from it, really try to self improve, and be a better friend (with other people) moving forwards.