Friendship ended over a sigh.

[JalapenoFeverDream]

I'm utterly perplexed by what's happened with me and my friend. Been friends about 15 years, loads in common, had some breaks together, nights in, and nights out. We live in different towns about 18 miles apart and due to opposite work schedules, we don't get to meet up as often as we'd like.

A few weeks ago, we realised Sunday was a day were could both meet up, and arranged to meet at a village close to her town. I had plans late morning / early lunchtime and we discussed meeting up afterwards.

On the day, we spoke on text to arrange a time, she said she had some errands to run, so asked if I could give her a rough time, such as 2pm or 3pm so she knew how much time she had to get things done. I said, let's say 2pm tentatively, but I'll confirm for sure shortly.

Just after midday, I text and said 2pm was looking tight, so can we meet at 3pm. She replied much later saying can we make it quarter past as she's still running errands, no probs I say.

I get to the village at the agreed time and she's not there. After 5 mins waiting, I call to check she's okay and she's only just left her town and will be 10-15 mins. I was busting for a wee, in a farm shop with no facilities. So this is where it started to go awry...

In response to my friend due to be arriving 15 mins late, I inadvertently let out a small sigh, not a deep sigh, literally a short disappointed sigh, followed by me saying, "Oh... okay mate. I'll see you soon then." There was 100% no annoyed tone to my voice. I was looking forward to seeing her. The sigh was totally inadvertent, like rolling your eyes, or like wrinkling your nose in disgust at something.

Well, she went bat shit at me, screaming and swearing at me, "Don't you fucking sigh at me! I've planned my whole fucking day around you! Don't you dare fucking sigh at me!"

I was honestly taken aback by how she went from nought to screaming at me.

I ventured to interrupt her tirade to say it sounds like maybe it's best to not meet up, and let's rearrange. But before I could get a word in, she said, "You know what? You can fuck off. I'm not fucking meeting you now, so fuck off!" Then hung up on me.

I was upset, but thought I'd not bother trying to call her back as she was obviously angry. So, I'd let it settle and drive back to my town.

I got home, and found that she'd blocked me on Instagram, FB, phone and WhatsApp. Which seems way over the top and childish.

I have a separate Facebook account for my work, so I sent her a message from there which probably went to her "Other" inbox.

My message said I was shocked and disgusted at the way she spoke me to me and that while I totally understand the inadvertent sigh may have been annoying, her response to it was wholly disproportionate.

I also remarked that I resented her saying she planned her "whole fucking day" around me. We agreed that 2pm was tentative, I gave her two hours notice to move it and if anything, me moving it to 3pm gave her extra time to get her errands completed.

I finished the message saying that what's done is done, I'm saddened and that I'll post her birthday present that I'd brought with me. (Her birthday was the week we were meant to meet.)

Not heard from her since. I never fall out out with my friends, hence no idea how to navigate it.

As I'm upset, I spoke to a couple of my close friends who don't really know her, one said to leave her be now, the ball's in her court. She agrees with me that her reaction was OTT, but maybe there's a reason.

My other friend said she'd bin her off, even if she came back and apologised, as being spoken to like that would be the last time she's being spoken to like that.

Firstly, AIBU in thinking her reaction (the tirade and mass blocking) was OTT?

Secondly, what would your next steps be? I'm erring on just leaving it.

You were stressed before the meet up + friend was stressed before trying to meet up.
The result was that both of you overreacted and took out the stress on the other person.

It's probably not a good idea to try to squeeze in a meeting into the day when timings are so vague.

There must have been something else that she was annoyed about in relation to you, clearly. The sign was the last straw, as many on here said...

I had a friend who, on a surface, was fun and we got on well. But she had this obsession with being posh and wealthy (when she wasn't) - I would have ignored it normally but she always tried to show she is "above" me. Partly, by not inviting me to events her "posh" friends attended - but most annoyingly, by small remarks dressed as harmless comments (like, "oh, I did not know houses in your area cost that much, its not like where I live" type of thing) - and one day she said something about some much wanted accessory I bought - "I bet you got a good deal, it being a last year's fashion me and my friends enjoyed but would not be seen dead wearing now" - and I blew up, it pissed me off for some reason but in reality it was a "death by thousand cuts". I swore at her and never talked to her again.

I would say the friendship run its course, forget about her.

If that kind of tirade is out of character for her I’d assume she was having, at best an absolutely terrible day and a sigh was the last straw, or at worst some kind of mental breakdown.

If this is in keeping with what she’s normally like, bin her off; she’s bonkers

I'd just not contact her again and I sure as shit wouldn't be posting out her birthday gift!

To be honest I would absolutely make sure I did everything in my power to apologise for my part in the disagreement.

I would apologise for asking her to work around my schedule for a day you both agreed to a few weeks ago and then changing the time on the day. She obviously felt that as you had little respect for her time so she didn’t have to be worried about getting there on time to see you either. I would apologise for the inadvertent sigh and explain that it was because you needed the toilet. And most importantly I would apologise for not apologising immediately on the day but instead sending an emotional message in the heat of the moment in response to her shouting at you and blocking contact.

What she did was not right, the shouting in the heat of the moment was bad but then blocking you after was also not great. But you can’t control what she does you can only control what you do and at the moment you have not provided an apology or opportunity to reconcile.

Friendship and forgiveness is more important than knowing you were in the right. It doesn’t matter who was right, it matters that you are still friends.

To be honest I would absolutely make sure I did everything in my power to apologise for my part in the disagreement.

I would apologise for asking her to work around my schedule for a day you both agreed to a few weeks ago and then changing the time on the day. She obviously felt that as you had little respect for her time so she didn’t have to be worried about getting there on time to see you either. I would apologise for the inadvertent sigh and explain that it was because you needed the toilet. And most importantly I would apologise for not apologising immediately on the day but instead sending an emotional message in the heat of the moment in response to her shouting at you and blocking contact.

What she did was not right, the shouting in the heat of the moment was bad but then blocking you after was also not great. But you can’t control what she does you can only control what you do and at the moment you have not provided an apology or opportunity to reconcile.

Friendship and forgiveness is more important than knowing you were in the right. It doesn’t matter who was right, it matters that you are still friends.

Now you are adding to the narrative. Stick to the one event rather than making excuses for yourself to be let off the hook morally, all the other stuff is irrelevant.
You called your friend when she was only 5 minutes late and sighed at her when you had already messed her around. I’m not surprised she was pissed off.

We don't know the friend's side of it though – maybe OP has a habit of messing her around and sighing at her like she's a naughty child and the friend just had enough. I agree her outburst was rude and aggressive but it didn't just come from nowhere.

@Wickedlittledancer Sorry but not sure where you're coming from on this.

'Running onto a thread'- how would you like it to be?

I, like several other posters, have posted maybe 3-4 times saying I think the friend was out of order. Mature women do not flip and have a reaction like her friend did. Its insane.

If you think that is elbows out, fine.

Too much drama, and all the back and fore about times. Would have been better to give up when you were both dithering about it. I think she thought you were going to be a bit irritated by her still being late and the sigh triggered all her pent up 'she's going to be annoyed', but no excuse really. Leave it, she'll probably bin the present if you send it.

I am getting the feeling @JalapenoFeverDream that maybe your friend is so busy/stressed that she didn't really want to see you on that Sunday, but probably felt that she couldn't keep on giving you reasons/excuses for not being available, so she made an extra effort to agree to meet you on that Sunday.

Unfortunately, she may have already slightly resented the fact that she felt that she had to make her own Sunday more awkward or stressful, in order to meet you. So when you changed the time to 3 O'clock, she may well have thought that most of the shops, cafes, museums, etc shut early on Sundays, so unless you were meeting up to then go on to a pub or restaurant for a meal, or at least a few - non alcoholic - drinks, then you were only going to have a couple of hours at most, to have a chat and catch-up! She may well have had to rearrange her 'usual Sunday routine' to meet you, and may have had to upset, or annoy, someone else (her mum, her partner, her child etc?), in order to see you.

If, that was approximately what your friend was feeling, I can imagine that your sigh really just sent her over the edge, with her thinking something along the lines of "What! I am going to be a little bit late after jumping through hoops to meet up with her at all, and now she is fed-up/cross with me, just because I arranged to do a couple of other things while waiting for her to be free, which has consequently led to me being a few minutes late now!"

Of course, my supposition that that was pretty much how your friend had viewed the whole 'trying to fit in a time to meet up with you' (because she loves you, and values your friendship, so she wouldn't want to hurt your feelings, even though maintaining a physical 'meeting up with you friendship' at this particular stage in her life, does not really suit her anymore) could easily be totally wrong! It is just how her having an apparent 'over the top' reaction to your - unfortunately, rude sigh - made me interpret the situation! Please just ignore me OP if you think I am completely wrong - I hope that I am, and either way, I hope you can both have some sort of reasonable friendship in the longterm 🙏

So you don't think it's relevant that the friend has form for this?
'Adding to the narrative' is completely justified.

I think you're getting a very hard time on here, OP. No matter what the ins and outs of the timings etc., for anyone to shout and swear at you with that intensity is really shocking. If it came from a stranger in the street you'd think about involving the police. I certainly wouldn't bother wondering what was going on in her life, I would just cut her out of mine instantly and for ever (although I think it was fine of you to write afterwards and say how disgusted you were by her behaviour). I think you are well rid of her in your life.

Well if you're going to go down the "what if" route where does it end?

Maybe OP's friend has a severe anger management problem that she refuses to get help with etc

If OP's friend was upset with her then she could have talked to her calmly like an adult and expressed that hurt so it could be resolved, but she didnt. She chose to scream and shout.

Also, I dont agree that it didnt come from nowhere - how often do we see people being attacked or verbally abused by random strangers in the street who they dont know and have no prior history with.

Some people simply cannot control or regulate their own emotions and it's never on other people to accommodate that. It's never acceptable to behave like that.

It sounds like she had lots to do then you weren’t giving her a time then you changed it. I think she was stressed rushing around and a sigh is generally a sign of frustration. However why did she think it was ok to shout at you. I Would be so annoyed. But you both need to communicate better. Clearly she has issues with anger or had other stress in her life and the sigh sent her over the edge.

I never get why people have to keep changing times. Unless there is a pile up on the road or something just pick a time and be there. All the moving times would drive me crazy ..l wouldn't scream and swear but in my head l would as l have a friend who does this and l hate it.
Before phones and texting we made an appointment and couldn't change so everyone got there ..no excuses.
My take on your friend is : she has ADHD hence often scattered etc but your sigh hit that very sensitive spot they have and caused her to go from A to Z in one swoop.
BUT STOP CHANGING TIMES!!!!!

The plans were changed repeatedly. You needed to both agree to a time and stick to a time.

you don’t know what was happening her end to cause the outburst, yes she was very rude I would have hung up on her myself. But I would have also understood that the lack of planning probably caused it all.

Also in these cases it’s probably best to meet up first run errands later or a different day. So this doesn’t happen. Your friend was probsbly looking forward to seeing you for her birthday abd feels hurt. I understand you feel hurt too.

post the present, send a sorry card in with it and say you hope to see her soon.

No I don’t. If you don’t like your friend’s behaviour very much, as it sounds the OP doesn’t, don’t make arrangements to see them or factor that in to your arrangements. Sighing is passive aggressive and is not a very pleasant way to deal with a disappointment, as surely that is all this was.

It just sounds like one of those situations that gets away from you. Her reaction was over the top but tbh there are days where easy plans wouldn't bother me and days where it constantly changing would just grind my gears. It does sound a bit like you were fitting her in rather than actively wanting to meet up with her.

You were the straw that broke the camel's back on a day when things weren't going her way. Information is too one sided to know where the balance of "blame" lies. These things happen. Let it blow over. Don't send gifts - it comes across as an effort to show moral superiority under these circumstances, because let's face it, she may not want your gift and may not want to be bribed back into your good books.

Faults on both sides here. I think the friendship might be done now, thanks to both her outburst and you messaging that you're disgusted. I think both sides will struggle to come back from that.

If my friend had been so vague about meeting times, then sighed at me when I hadn't been able to automatically slot myself into their plans I wouldn't have reacted as badly your friend but I would not have been impressed.

This, it was about you prioritising whatever you had on between 2-3 above meeting her. Then sighing when she was late.

I'm your position I would have been pleased that she was running late as you needed a wee anyway. You could have used that time to find a toilet. The sigh was unnecessary and she reacted to that.

However she should not have reacted in that childish way but maybe something else is going on in her life that you don't know about.

Post her present then leave the ball in her court.

I don’t understand where you would have gone to the toilet if she was there?

No, you're not being unreasonable, your friend is. Who blocks a friend over such a small thing.