Friendship ended over a sigh.

[JalapenoFeverDream]

I'm utterly perplexed by what's happened with me and my friend. Been friends about 15 years, loads in common, had some breaks together, nights in, and nights out. We live in different towns about 18 miles apart and due to opposite work schedules, we don't get to meet up as often as we'd like.

A few weeks ago, we realised Sunday was a day were could both meet up, and arranged to meet at a village close to her town. I had plans late morning / early lunchtime and we discussed meeting up afterwards.

On the day, we spoke on text to arrange a time, she said she had some errands to run, so asked if I could give her a rough time, such as 2pm or 3pm so she knew how much time she had to get things done. I said, let's say 2pm tentatively, but I'll confirm for sure shortly.

Just after midday, I text and said 2pm was looking tight, so can we meet at 3pm. She replied much later saying can we make it quarter past as she's still running errands, no probs I say.

I get to the village at the agreed time and she's not there. After 5 mins waiting, I call to check she's okay and she's only just left her town and will be 10-15 mins. I was busting for a wee, in a farm shop with no facilities. So this is where it started to go awry...

In response to my friend due to be arriving 15 mins late, I inadvertently let out a small sigh, not a deep sigh, literally a short disappointed sigh, followed by me saying, "Oh... okay mate. I'll see you soon then." There was 100% no annoyed tone to my voice. I was looking forward to seeing her. The sigh was totally inadvertent, like rolling your eyes, or like wrinkling your nose in disgust at something.

Well, she went bat shit at me, screaming and swearing at me, "Don't you fucking sigh at me! I've planned my whole fucking day around you! Don't you dare fucking sigh at me!"

I was honestly taken aback by how she went from nought to screaming at me.

I ventured to interrupt her tirade to say it sounds like maybe it's best to not meet up, and let's rearrange. But before I could get a word in, she said, "You know what? You can fuck off. I'm not fucking meeting you now, so fuck off!" Then hung up on me.

I was upset, but thought I'd not bother trying to call her back as she was obviously angry. So, I'd let it settle and drive back to my town.

I got home, and found that she'd blocked me on Instagram, FB, phone and WhatsApp. Which seems way over the top and childish.

I have a separate Facebook account for my work, so I sent her a message from there which probably went to her "Other" inbox.

My message said I was shocked and disgusted at the way she spoke me to me and that while I totally understand the inadvertent sigh may have been annoying, her response to it was wholly disproportionate.

I also remarked that I resented her saying she planned her "whole fucking day" around me. We agreed that 2pm was tentative, I gave her two hours notice to move it and if anything, me moving it to 3pm gave her extra time to get her errands completed.

I finished the message saying that what's done is done, I'm saddened and that I'll post her birthday present that I'd brought with me. (Her birthday was the week we were meant to meet.)

Not heard from her since. I never fall out out with my friends, hence no idea how to navigate it.

As I'm upset, I spoke to a couple of my close friends who don't really know her, one said to leave her be now, the ball's in her court. She agrees with me that her reaction was OTT, but maybe there's a reason.

My other friend said she'd bin her off, even if she came back and apologised, as being spoken to like that would be the last time she's being spoken to like that.

Firstly, AIBU in thinking her reaction (the tirade and mass blocking) was OTT?

Secondly, what would your next steps be? I'm erring on just leaving it.

If someone spoke to me like that, the friendship would be over.

That is very strange behaviour from your friend. People can be weird.

Sounds like she thinks it’s ok to mess people around / cancel but the minute it happens to hear she’s pissed off.
I’d leave her to it.

YABU. The timing of the day was entirely dictated by you and then you didn't even give her more than 5 minutes' grace before wanting to know where she was and then sighing like she was a naughty child for running a bit late. I suspect she's heard that sigh from you more than once in your friendship and it's why it was so triggering this time.

Then, when she dared to call you out for it, you went straight to petulant 'let's cancel then' mode instead of trying to sort it out. Then you determinedly found the one channel she hadn't blocked you on to send a message telling her how awful she was!

Yeah, think that friendship is well and truly over.

@JalapenoFeverDream

Reading through your posts, and the additional information you added later on, (about this woman,) I don't understand why you want to even be friends with her. You are clearly mismatched as friends. You say she regularly acts like this, and blows her stack and has hissy fits, yet you continue to be friends with her.

Upshot is, you were unreasonable and rude, and your behaviour afterwards was odd, and her behaviour was over the top and disproportionate to what happened. Just let the friendship go. Not all friendships are meant to last for life, and this one has gone past its sellby date some years ago by the sound of it.

Oh no! What a shame. Had the message said, “I didn’t mean to upset you but this is so out of character for you - is everything ok - I’m worried about you”, she might have responded. I know she was awful but your response does make me wonder if there’s a bit more to it, as far as she’s concerned.

Yes, this. Sounds like the 2 of them need to go their separate ways. If I was the OP's friend I would have already blocked her truth be told.

People like this use their emotional reactions to control their friends.

You have never pushed back on her so remained a friend. Now she perceives that you have ( the sigh) so she’s punished you.

Do no make friends with people like this. It’s not worth it.

Firstly, this was a huge overreaction from your friend.

Secondly, you were both unreasonable in your approach to planning this day. I really despair at the way mobile phones have destroyed the simple concept of agreeing a time and place to meet, and being there. Both of you pushing the time later and messing about. If you have lots to do on a particular day, don't choose that day for a meet up, or meet in the evening.

Thirdly - what next - well, the ball is in her court, but I don't think I'd want to be friends with someone who spoke to me like that. Either way, I wouldn't do anything. If she contacts you with an olive branch, then it's your choice.

@JalapenoFeverDream
There might be a back story here. Your friend may have been bothered by other things that have happened between you that she's never mentioned and this one was the straw that broke the camel's back. Usually when someone erupts like that there's a reason why.
With respect, you do sound very defensive and you don't really sound very open to seeing what you might have done to upset her.
As soon as I read that you said '2pm tentatively but I'll confirm' I thought if that was me you'd texted I'd already be irritated. 2pm tentatively but you'll confirm? I personally would have been thinking 'What am I supposed to do in the meantime? Put all my plans on hold for the day and wait for you to confirm? Why is your time more of a priority than my time?'
Then when you said actually it'll be 3pm, I would have thought 'You know what, I'm not structuring my day and what I've got to do around your timings that suit you. I'm busy doing stuff now, so you can't just dictate 3pm with only a couple hours notice. I'll try to accommodate you but I can't drop everything whilst I've been put on hold waiting for you to confirm the time and then get there for 3pm on the dot because that time suits you better.' By this point I'd have been wound up by you.
Then during the phone call, when you sighed at me, yeah, I'd have been properly pissed off with you by that point! Difference is I go silent when I'm angry, and that's what I'd have done. But lots of people explode when they're angry and that's what your friend has done.
Why sigh at her when you've been the one dictating the times? It's very passive aggressive to sigh. I don't think you should defend and minimise this (which you are doing). I can't even imagine sighing down the phone at a friend that I'd mucked about with timings. And if I did, I'd expect a response. And you got one.
She hasn't blocked you on all those platforms in response to this one incident. This has been building up in her about you for a while, and Sunday was the final straw.
(P.S. The messaging her from the one platform left that she hadn't blocked you from, after you finding she'd blocked you from all the other platforms, will have looked very controlling of you. Adding to the controlling behaviour you already displayed on the day.)

That's not what happened though
OP was returning her call, not calling to find out where she was. And the friend cancelled, not OP.

Read all your posts. You’re determined to make her out to be a shit friend, it is al utter litany of all the things she does wrong, as you double down on it, whilst making yourself out to be fabulous and just making a little error. I understand this is how you see it.

howver as you feel she falls out with everyone, you have to dodge her wrath, she’s flakey etc, then I’d just accept it’s over and not see her again.

if you’re just annoyed so painting her as horribly as you can to ensure answers are on your side, then give it some time, send her an apology text, for your part in it and own your part in it.

You'd block a longstanding friend for sighing when you were late to a meet up? Wow

I get to the village at the agreed time and she's not there. After 5 mins waiting, I call to check she's okay and she's only just left her town and will be 10-15 mins. I was busting for a wee, in a farm shop with no facilities. So this is where it started to go awry...

OP called her. But yes, you're right about the other point - the friend interrupted her as she was saying 'let's cancel'. I still think OP handled it terribly all told.

Yes, she then clarified that the friend had called her twice. She checked her phone, saw the two missed calls and called her back.

I think she was out of order.
There is no excuse for kicking off like that and swearing at you.
And from what you say, she has form for this.

I can understand why you were irritated. However, you both sound slightly flaky when it comes to arranging things. IME most friends arrange a time and stick to it, not shifting it over the day.

When friendships end like this one has, again, in my experience, it's often because something has been simmering away for a long time and not been spoken about. OR as you say you've allowed her to get away with some 'behaviour' in the past and not pushed back.

I lost a very close long term friend ( 30 years of friendship) which still grieves me and who I miss a lot. It was partly as I pushed back rather than agreeing with her on something and she hit the roof (slightly similar to yours.)
We never made up-I tried a few times but she didn't reply.

I think sometimes you have to let things go.

Really, people should just make plans and stick to them. Everything is so much easier then.

I still think OP handled it terribly all told

All the OP did was accidentally sigh, this woman swore and shouted at her.

Thats completely out of order, petulant and pathetic behaviour for a grown adult and there is no excuse for this kind of bullshittery. If the OP's husband had shouted like this at her, everyone would be saying he was abusive.

I think you need to read the whole thread and how the friend behaved with 'fucking this and that' screaming at her.

She wasn’t hanging about..she asked for an extra 15 minutes as she was busy , too

Oh cmon she didn’t accidentally sigh she sighed loud enough for her to hear and to express her annoyance.

I don’t believe the two missed calls bit. She said in the OP she was calling “to check if she was ok”. Only when people said she shouldn’t have called after 5 mins did she start saying oh no I was returning her call.

The phone call in itself clearly exasperated the friend in the first place.

But why is someone so disorganised when they have a meeting planned?
It says a lot about what they give priority to.

Do you shout and swear at people who sigh?

So, a small sigh justifies screaming and shouting abuse does it?

This.
Who speaks to people like that.
She is unreliable regularly.

OP, it really isn't good for you to accept being treated so badly by anyone.

You really shouldn't want to come back from that type of behaviour.

Move on.