Friendship ended over a sigh.

[JalapenoFeverDream]

I'm utterly perplexed by what's happened with me and my friend. Been friends about 15 years, loads in common, had some breaks together, nights in, and nights out. We live in different towns about 18 miles apart and due to opposite work schedules, we don't get to meet up as often as we'd like.

A few weeks ago, we realised Sunday was a day were could both meet up, and arranged to meet at a village close to her town. I had plans late morning / early lunchtime and we discussed meeting up afterwards.

On the day, we spoke on text to arrange a time, she said she had some errands to run, so asked if I could give her a rough time, such as 2pm or 3pm so she knew how much time she had to get things done. I said, let's say 2pm tentatively, but I'll confirm for sure shortly.

Just after midday, I text and said 2pm was looking tight, so can we meet at 3pm. She replied much later saying can we make it quarter past as she's still running errands, no probs I say.

I get to the village at the agreed time and she's not there. After 5 mins waiting, I call to check she's okay and she's only just left her town and will be 10-15 mins. I was busting for a wee, in a farm shop with no facilities. So this is where it started to go awry...

In response to my friend due to be arriving 15 mins late, I inadvertently let out a small sigh, not a deep sigh, literally a short disappointed sigh, followed by me saying, "Oh... okay mate. I'll see you soon then." There was 100% no annoyed tone to my voice. I was looking forward to seeing her. The sigh was totally inadvertent, like rolling your eyes, or like wrinkling your nose in disgust at something.

Well, she went bat shit at me, screaming and swearing at me, "Don't you fucking sigh at me! I've planned my whole fucking day around you! Don't you dare fucking sigh at me!"

I was honestly taken aback by how she went from nought to screaming at me.

I ventured to interrupt her tirade to say it sounds like maybe it's best to not meet up, and let's rearrange. But before I could get a word in, she said, "You know what? You can fuck off. I'm not fucking meeting you now, so fuck off!" Then hung up on me.

I was upset, but thought I'd not bother trying to call her back as she was obviously angry. So, I'd let it settle and drive back to my town.

I got home, and found that she'd blocked me on Instagram, FB, phone and WhatsApp. Which seems way over the top and childish.

I have a separate Facebook account for my work, so I sent her a message from there which probably went to her "Other" inbox.

My message said I was shocked and disgusted at the way she spoke me to me and that while I totally understand the inadvertent sigh may have been annoying, her response to it was wholly disproportionate.

I also remarked that I resented her saying she planned her "whole fucking day" around me. We agreed that 2pm was tentative, I gave her two hours notice to move it and if anything, me moving it to 3pm gave her extra time to get her errands completed.

I finished the message saying that what's done is done, I'm saddened and that I'll post her birthday present that I'd brought with me. (Her birthday was the week we were meant to meet.)

Not heard from her since. I never fall out out with my friends, hence no idea how to navigate it.

As I'm upset, I spoke to a couple of my close friends who don't really know her, one said to leave her be now, the ball's in her court. She agrees with me that her reaction was OTT, but maybe there's a reason.

My other friend said she'd bin her off, even if she came back and apologised, as being spoken to like that would be the last time she's being spoken to like that.

Firstly, AIBU in thinking her reaction (the tirade and mass blocking) was OTT?

Secondly, what would your next steps be? I'm erring on just leaving it.

She didn't say that

This.

The situation is a misnomer. It’s the cause of her over reaction.
I was going to say she was massively stressed by something but then I saw she has form for this.
With the first situation tread lightly. I have only lost it with a good friend once. She was lecturing me about meeting up and U had year old DS, full time job, a part time job and a dog all as a single mum. She kindly apologised backed down and we are still friends 20 years later.
I have cut off a drama queen friend a few years back. That was just her and it got annoying. No apologising or debate involved.

She is really out of order and I wouldn’t be friends with her again.

It's not because she needed 15 more minutes. She asked for 15 more minutes and OP agreed. She was then not there at the agreed time, and was going to be another 15 minutes late.
none of this really matters anyway. Most friends can cope with friends being a bit late or a bit flaky. The sigh may have irritated the friend which is totally fair enough but is anyone really arguing that the friend's response was proportionate?

If she has history for this I’d leave her be.

You apologised and explained why you sighed.

She should apologise for her outburst.

If she doesn’t - Dont reward her stupid tantrums with your attention just focus on your other friends.

I wouldn’t give her a present either. She won’t appreciate it.

Do something nice for yourself now. It’s upsetting when someone shows you who they really are.

It sounds like the straw that broke the camels back.

I’d have just apologised and asked what was wrong after her outburst rather than go on the defensive afterwards. Matching someone’s energy after an outburst like that can make it 100 times worse which you’ve now learnt.

You agreed to meet somewhere where there are no loo facilities. That was daft. Whether she was there on time or not, you'd still need the loo.

You sighed. Rude.
She got cross. Rude.

She blocked you on all social media. Childish.

You used your work account to have the last word. Stupid. And potentially a big problem. You work for yourself though, don't you?

Appeasing unhinged people doesn't make anything better, it's just letting them get away with it.

Exactly this. Of course the response was completely OTT to a what is a fairly mundane set of events or mild irritation at worst. OP want to ascertain if it’s forgivable or not. I’d think not unless there is a very good explanation which has made her react completely out of character and she is subsequently apologetic.

Not sure why everyone is making this your fault op. I get it with the loose timings, pushing back the time would benefit you both if you had lots on in the morning (and two hours notice is plenty).

however,

It sounds like she gave herself too much to do in the morning, or maybe things hadn’t gone to plan and she was regretting that she had agreed to meet on top of everything else, she may have tried to call you to take a rain check or push back the time before you ended up being there on time, getting cold and needing a wee. If you didn’t pick up when she tried to contact you, and then sound pissed off when you eventually called her back, I can kind of see why she blew up. Her language/behaviour was disproportionate though. What is the rest of the friendship like, is it worth trying to save it? Maybe pop a note of apology in her birthday card and leave the ball in her court. She might feel embarrassed about it once she’s calmed down. .

I don't think this was your fault. You've said she has done this to other friends. I've found that when friends are like this (having fights with others and binning them), it's just a matter of time before you're on the receiving end. Chalk it up to experience

She over reacted but I would be annoyed if I had accommodated my friend changing the time from 2pm to 3pm then she sighed at me for being late.

I sighed at someone inadvertently recently and it’s something I never do but I was at my wits end. And the blowback I got really took the wind out of my sails.
I know on MN people tend to be very rigid over plans but I don’t see what the problem was here apart from the fact you chose a venue with no loo!
In my world, I have a significant disability and so getting me anywhere is a proper faff. When I was able bodied, and could drive and move about freely, it’s much easier to have more fluid plans.
While the sigh has clearly irked this friend, you’ve clearly touched a raw nerve but the reaction was absolutely out of order.
I would call it projection - she has other issues going on, and on that day, you got dumped on. If she has form for falling out with others, you were next on the list. Then it will be someone else.
I don’t blame you for sending the message - you’d just had someone screaming at you who then blocked your right to reply.
Don’t bother sending the present.
Stick with your other friends.
It is a shame as nothing really awful happened, but sometimes people show you who they really are.
And just for the record, a friend invited me to her new home for breakfast before Christmas. Which involved me getting up at 6 am, having help to get me ready, all arranged to be dropped off at 10 am
I got a message at 9.40 am - babe I am stuck shopping, could you come at 1 pm?
I politely declined, said nothing, but have declined further invitations. The friend has known me for three decades, but just has very little awareness of others.

Just saw OPs post that it isn’t really out of character , just usually contained. Then no, OP I wouldn’t continue a friendship after this kind of behaviour towards me.

I had a friend that blocked me on social media OP for a childish reason. It actually really hurt me that someone couldn't just use their words and felt the need to block me (she has does this to other people). She contacted me a few months later like nothing had happened but that was it for me. I'm civil when I see her but you don't treat friends like that. If you can't communicate and try to resolve things then you aren't really good friends in the first place and it's not worth it. YANBU

Calling her when she was 5 minutes late might have annoyed her a bit. Then sighing. After you’ve asked to move the time.
Id just leave it and see if she gets in touch.

I would say this was on the cards a long time before it happened. I had a friend that was an incredible difficult person but we also had lots of fun. But one day I had enough. And I told her so. She was shocked but it's the best thing I have done. So, I'm guessing there's more to this than you let on and that sigh was simply the last straw. For context, I'm not the first pal my friend has lost - there are a few others that have done the same as me. I'm not saying you're like my ex friend was but think about the past meets with her, perhaps there was things that she found annoying about you. It's not your fault, sometimes people just don't gel. You have other friends, just let this one go, gracefully.

Can't believe the amount of people defending your friend because it "must have been annoying" to have the time changed. The friend is the one who ultimately turned up late, and then went off on one when faced with a sigh, when she should have been apologising.

Absolutely no need for that level of verbal abuse. I can only imagine the replies if a man had spoken to a woman like that.

She was way out of line, especially when you added that she has form for this, and I'd not bother sending her that gift. "Scatterbrain" indeed. Just a lame excuse for treating people like they don't matter. We all have phones, she can put a time and date for a meeting into her phone diary.

You said you had plans in the morning-early lunchtime. 2pm is not "early lunchtime" and 3pm is mid afternoon. You messed her around then got sniffy about 15 min.

I have a friend like you where everything is always bloody tentative. I can’t ever plan anything.

This context is important and you should have mentioned this in the original post.

I would forget her and be glad she's out of my life. I wouldn't even tolerate my husband talking to me the way she did to you, yet alone a friend! It sounds like it was only a matter of time when she lost her rag at you too if she has form for this kind of behaviour.

Its sad but you cant continue a friendship after such disrespect.

Oh, and hell would freeze over before I gave her a present after she verbally abused me- she can shove it up her arse

"Don't you fucking sigh at me! I've planned my whole fucking day around you! Don't you dare fucking sigh at me!"

I kind of like the cut of her jib….