Friendship ended over a sigh.

[JalapenoFeverDream]

I'm utterly perplexed by what's happened with me and my friend. Been friends about 15 years, loads in common, had some breaks together, nights in, and nights out. We live in different towns about 18 miles apart and due to opposite work schedules, we don't get to meet up as often as we'd like.

A few weeks ago, we realised Sunday was a day were could both meet up, and arranged to meet at a village close to her town. I had plans late morning / early lunchtime and we discussed meeting up afterwards.

On the day, we spoke on text to arrange a time, she said she had some errands to run, so asked if I could give her a rough time, such as 2pm or 3pm so she knew how much time she had to get things done. I said, let's say 2pm tentatively, but I'll confirm for sure shortly.

Just after midday, I text and said 2pm was looking tight, so can we meet at 3pm. She replied much later saying can we make it quarter past as she's still running errands, no probs I say.

I get to the village at the agreed time and she's not there. After 5 mins waiting, I call to check she's okay and she's only just left her town and will be 10-15 mins. I was busting for a wee, in a farm shop with no facilities. So this is where it started to go awry...

In response to my friend due to be arriving 15 mins late, I inadvertently let out a small sigh, not a deep sigh, literally a short disappointed sigh, followed by me saying, "Oh... okay mate. I'll see you soon then." There was 100% no annoyed tone to my voice. I was looking forward to seeing her. The sigh was totally inadvertent, like rolling your eyes, or like wrinkling your nose in disgust at something.

Well, she went bat shit at me, screaming and swearing at me, "Don't you fucking sigh at me! I've planned my whole fucking day around you! Don't you dare fucking sigh at me!"

I was honestly taken aback by how she went from nought to screaming at me.

I ventured to interrupt her tirade to say it sounds like maybe it's best to not meet up, and let's rearrange. But before I could get a word in, she said, "You know what? You can fuck off. I'm not fucking meeting you now, so fuck off!" Then hung up on me.

I was upset, but thought I'd not bother trying to call her back as she was obviously angry. So, I'd let it settle and drive back to my town.

I got home, and found that she'd blocked me on Instagram, FB, phone and WhatsApp. Which seems way over the top and childish.

I have a separate Facebook account for my work, so I sent her a message from there which probably went to her "Other" inbox.

My message said I was shocked and disgusted at the way she spoke me to me and that while I totally understand the inadvertent sigh may have been annoying, her response to it was wholly disproportionate.

I also remarked that I resented her saying she planned her "whole fucking day" around me. We agreed that 2pm was tentative, I gave her two hours notice to move it and if anything, me moving it to 3pm gave her extra time to get her errands completed.

I finished the message saying that what's done is done, I'm saddened and that I'll post her birthday present that I'd brought with me. (Her birthday was the week we were meant to meet.)

Not heard from her since. I never fall out out with my friends, hence no idea how to navigate it.

As I'm upset, I spoke to a couple of my close friends who don't really know her, one said to leave her be now, the ball's in her court. She agrees with me that her reaction was OTT, but maybe there's a reason.

My other friend said she'd bin her off, even if she came back and apologised, as being spoken to like that would be the last time she's being spoken to like that.

Firstly, AIBU in thinking her reaction (the tirade and mass blocking) was OTT?

Secondly, what would your next steps be? I'm erring on just leaving it.

OMG. This is bloody awful. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Unbelievable💐

It happened just under a month ago.

Nothing has happened in the intervening weeks, not heard from her and I've not messaged her again via my work FB.

I spoke to her on her birthday and said I had a gift and card which I'd bring when we meet.

We usually see each other every 2-3 months.

Well, I don't know. We've not spoken.

Knowing my friend, I would expect (and hope) that she realised she was OTT.

Yes, I do have a lot of friends, and despite this particular friend's faults, I care about her and enjoy spending time with her.

We all have faults, I don't expect perfection in anyone, I was just really shocked and disgusted to be spoken to like that.

When or where have I said I don't like her? What is it with people on here making shit up? 😂

If I didn't like her, it wouldn't be bothering me almost a month on.

Are you in your 30s OP? I found that decade one in which a lot of friendships came to an end. People no longer able to tolerate the little things that build up over the years, some people are retreating into a closed worldview and reducing their circle, huge life changes that make you rethink your values, and the pressures of adult life adding stressors. What I'd venture is that both of you did things that irritated the other — and from your friend's reaction, your behaviour was either part of a pattern she finds annoying (overly controlling/dictating maybe) or she has other shit going on, and you got the brunt of it. I'd leave it for now and in six months or so you can revisit to decide if the friendship is salvageable. Usually in these circumstances there are faults on both sides and it is silly to trying and squarely place blame on one party. You were rude, she overreacted. For that to end a friendship, there is a history or other context that we can't know. Acknowledging at least to yourself your part in the incident would be a first step to learning from all this.

My guess is that this isn't about the sigh. People who are good friends, with open communication and mutual respect don't go nuclear and fall out over something so minor. This will have been a 'final straw' moment of unreasonable things building up. Whether those unreasonable things were her unrealistic expectations or your behaviours, nobody here knows.

If someone screamed at me and repeatedly told me to "fuck off" it would be the last exchange we ever had.

I don't speak to people in that manner and I don't accept being spoken to like that. The friendship would be absolutely over for me.

You were both rude

Yep- exactly this.

I have had bad days plenty of times, I have been annoyed with my friends several times in the past over various small annoyances, I've been bereaved and in the midst of grief etc. I have managed to live my entire life so far without screaming at my friends and telling them to fuck off.

If anyone did this to me, they would be dead to me and I would never see them again.

I think you need to decide if you want to be friends still or not. If you do i would post the gift with a letter apologising for the sigh (don't make excuses) but say you will not tolerate being shouting and sworn at and that really hurt you. Then the ball is in her court on whether she unblocks you and apologises.

I think when someone ‘blows’ like this there is usually some underlying cause which might have nothing to do with you, but you were the final straw.
I wonder if it’s something like she feels she’s nobodies priority?

It wasn't her fault you were cold and needed a wee, that's on you to resolve really. If she's often late you could have planned for that, arranged to meet somewhere comfortable. She maybe found 3pm an awkward time to meet, but she could have told you.
Blocking you on everything is a bit extreme. I wouldn't be trying to get round the blocking though, or posting her present, after she was so rude to you.

Dude.
i replied to someone else. You then replied to me, as if i was addressing you, which led me to assume you were the person I was talking to, without checking the username, because otherwise your response to me was apropos of nothing and made no sense! You didn't look back at the quote history, so here it is. See what I was responding to, why your response to me made no sense in the context and why I assumed you were the person I was conversing with.

Seems despite wanting to meet up and not having the opportunity often when a suitable day turned up you were both not prioritising your meet up. Both had plans/errands to work around and chopping and changing timings ca annoy some people . When you eventually settled on 3.15 and your friend was gong to be 10-15 minutes late it wouldn't be a sighing matter for most people and if you sighed at someone for being 10-15 mins late most would consider it rude .
Though your friends response to ghost/block you seems extreme ,perhaps she has other things/stresses going on or theres a back story and it was the straw that broke the camels back or maybe communication between the 2 of you wasnt clear?
As for circumnavigating a block to contact someone who clearly doesn't want the contact doesn't usually end productively unless its an unreserved apology for the thing that caused upset.
I think theres nothing more you can do here and it is sad when this happens.
Sometimes time heals such slightsand she may see things more clearly at a later time,

Either:
she has other things going on that are incredibly stressful.
OR
there’s backstory and you are often awkward with plans or inconsiderate.

whichever it is, there is no way ‘this has come from nowhere’ as you say. This is the final straw on top of a pile of other straws! I am surprised you really think it has gone from ‘fine’ to the end with zero awareness.. so either she is going through something huge eg divorce or illness etc etc, or you are lacking in self awareness..

No, I'm late 40s and she's early 60s.

I think it was just a bit of a perfect storm of inadvertent overreactions, me signing, my friend going nuclear.

If it had been the other way round, I'd have replied to her sighing with, "I know, I know. I'm a bloody nightmare! You know what I'm like. I'll be there soon as possible. Sorry mate. Maybe meet in the pub first and go farm shop after?"

Yes, she is those things.

But she's also got a huge heart, would give you the clothes off her back, is dog obsessed (like me) and a real laugh when we get together.

I don't think you've got a choice whether or not to 'bin her off'. At present she's done that for you. Your only choice is whether you make a last ditch attempt to show her you'd welcome a reconciliation, such as a note saying "sorry it's come to this. If you decide you want to talk you know where I am" or leave it if you can't get past it.
I think your other close friend may have something of note though, as her response was 'there may be a reason'. If I told a close friend I trusted something like this, and they responded that way, I would wonder if they were maybe giving me a message that sometimes I behaved in ways that upset people.
We don't know you, so its not possible for us to say how you come across. She does, so she's probably your best bet for perspective.

Some people will twist themselves into knots to make the OP wrong.

I would never remain friends with someone who screeched and swore at me down the phone, told me to fuck off and hung up the call. If I wouldn't accept it from a romantic partner I certainly wouldn't from a friend I meet every few weeks or months.

It definitely has come out of nowhere, in my previous post I shared I'm a considerate friend and I tend to do most of the travelling to meet up with her to make her life easier.

We are both tired and menopausal, both of us work two jobs and both of us are emotional by nature. But we've always got on.