Gifts sent to our home from DHs female work colleague

[lolaflores]

On Saturday a parcel came to the house addressed to DH. It said "Easter surprise inside!"
I assumed it was an early gift from family and thought no more.
He came down and looked surprised and thought it was family as well.
He opened it up and went scarlet! You could have fried rashers on his face. Then he started giggling and showed me. It was a box with 3 packs of M&Ms. On the front of it was a photo of DH and a woman who works with him. Printed on the side was "Happy Easter *, you're the best".
She did this at Xmas with expensive hamper but there was no message or at least nothing that stood out.

I gave it a few minutes and expressed my discomfort at this. The way the message was phrased and the photo of them on the box. She'd also made sure it was 3 packs of his favourite M&Ms.

He works away every other week. So does she. I've over heard her in the background while he was on the phone to me after work a couple of times telling DH everyone is off to the restaurant "r u coming? Ill save you a space. Shall I get a drink for you?"
She is a project assistant so he is her boss.

To me this feels inappropriate. I don't like that she has sent this to our home. The photo felt really off. The phrasing "you're the best!" All of which I expressed. What business has she using our home address when she knows exactly where he will be week to week?

In my working life I've never done this or even thought of doing this? Is it out of order? He played it down but it's been playing on my mind. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia 3 years ago. Our life has changed a lot and I often wonder if he wouldn't be happier with someone who isn't disabled.

@Boomer55
It really isn't reassuring in honesty.

The photo is what feels particularly off to me.
Also the home address thing. I wonder what company policy is on that?
It sounds like you can't talk to him completely openly about this, OP, which is a bit worrying in itself.

What did they look like in the photo ?
hope they weren’t hugging

It's inappropriate and as her boss he should be making that clear. If he's not willing to do that, well then I don't know.

@TheThingOnTheIce
It looks like she's taking the photo, she's sirt of stood above him, he's seated. It looks like a moment in the office and not a works do.

If he doesn't contact HR and report this attempt at bribery, he's having an affair or planning to.

Ask him if he has reported the incident to HR yet @lolaflores

It’s really odd behaviour OP. The sweets to a home address are a bit odd because, as you say, why couldn’t she just give them to him at work but combined with the message and especially the photo I would be very weirded out/suspicious.

Your DH , if completely innocent, is being very daft. If I was in his position I’d be raising it with my manager/HR immediately so they were aware and I’d avoid being alone with her and make sure she knew it wasn’t acceptable. Even if he’s right and it’s nothing more than trying to curry favour with her boss its still a very out of the norm thing to do and puts him in an awkward position at home and at work, it’s not professional to try and influence your boss in advance of a review in that way and of course a partner - however confident and secure they are - is going to see that type of gift sent to their home as strange and ask questions.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with you telling him exactly how you feel. If he hasn’t done anything wrong he probably feels equally worried about it. If it’s not innocent then it’s better for you to know. If it’s mostly innocent but he’s enjoying the attention and is kidding himself a bit then I would want to make it clear that it’s not normal, he’s compromising himself, you’re upset and don’t want that to happen again.

@lolaflores absolutely not appropriate to be sending anything to your home address but I am wondering why he blushed? Surely, if just a one off, silly gesture, he would have shrugged it off. He's not very good at hiding his feelings.

If I let it pass (as I did at Xmas) then there's a open door to whatever future thoughtful gifts she'd like to send

What did you let pass at Christmas @lolaflores ?

UPDATE
I'm going to have a chat with him now about what upshot there's been following the gift landing on Saturday.

My request will be

1. He conducts her review with another project member.

1. She's taken of his project and she won't be on anymore connected to him.

1. He finds out from HR if this is outside company guidelines. I expect it is and as such, she is made aware of it to avoid any further embarrassment .

You could approach it from the angle that it's his responsibility as her boss to let her know that this kind of thing is unusual and that most people would see it as overstepping, which could adversely impact her career if she did it to others. You don't have to accuse her (or him) of anything. If there's nothing going on between them, a gentle word of professional caution from him would probably stop this from happening again and quell any hopes she might have for a more personal relationship.

Also, explain to your husband that if her gift was simply a thoughtful, kind gesture, it would have been addressed to the whole family. It's quite odd to send a seasonal gift to someone's family home (knowing they have a family) without including those people in the card/message. Surely he can agree with that.

The fact it was specifically for him alone and had a sentimental element (the photo), makes it inappropriate. This is what he should raise with her.

Haha!

She sounds like an enthusiastic pet.

Regardless of her motives he needs to inform HR - if she's simply ignorant of expected professional behaviour in the UK, or she's deliberately letting you know she's around, either way she needs to be told to desist

I think @damsondamsel is correct.

There are elements to this gift which give an impression of unprofessional conduct on her part.

Surely as a responsible manager, it is his duty to speak to her so she is clear on this.

HR should be informed also.

Hi @lolaflores - could you use the quote function to reply otherwise your replies don't make sense. Cheers

This. And now you know so what is your husband going to do about it?

There having an affair and she wants you to know without being so obvious that she can’t plausibly deny her plan and have him dump her

Very early for an Easter gift too. Why not hand it to him in work? The photo is off. I wonder if the M&Ms have some significance between them, thus the blushing?

He needs to nip this in the bud and either speak to her or have HR do it.

I think the best thing is to suggest that he approaches HR on the most appropriate way to handle this rather than insisting she is taken off the project.

Disagree, sounds like she feels like she is marking out territory with no fear for any consequences.

I would tread lightly OP.

Some of these posters are just trying to goad you - that's always the way on these 'but a female colleague!!!' threads.

If he has financial responsibility for your household, he will need to be careful not to fuck up his work relationships. Workplace dynamics vary enormously. He is a better judge of that than you (or internet randoms).

Really . ? I’d say the opposite .
How did she know his home address

@Crunchymum
At the time I said to him "I have my eye on her" nothing more than that.

Him turning beetroot is not a good omen

Agree he needs to be careful not to fuck up his job but he also needs to be careful not to be seen as favouring or taking advantage of a more junior female member of staff as that also has potential to fuck up his job.

I wouldn’t advise that he demands she’s taken off the project but if I was him I’d be being very transparent with my manager or HR about it and asking for advice. It might just be that someone needs to have a chat with her about workplace norms but if I was him I’d be making it clear I had nothing to hide.