Gifts sent to our home from DHs female work colleague

[lolaflores]

On Saturday a parcel came to the house addressed to DH. It said "Easter surprise inside!"
I assumed it was an early gift from family and thought no more.
He came down and looked surprised and thought it was family as well.
He opened it up and went scarlet! You could have fried rashers on his face. Then he started giggling and showed me. It was a box with 3 packs of M&Ms. On the front of it was a photo of DH and a woman who works with him. Printed on the side was "Happy Easter *, you're the best".
She did this at Xmas with expensive hamper but there was no message or at least nothing that stood out.

I gave it a few minutes and expressed my discomfort at this. The way the message was phrased and the photo of them on the box. She'd also made sure it was 3 packs of his favourite M&Ms.

He works away every other week. So does she. I've over heard her in the background while he was on the phone to me after work a couple of times telling DH everyone is off to the restaurant "r u coming? Ill save you a space. Shall I get a drink for you?"
She is a project assistant so he is her boss.

To me this feels inappropriate. I don't like that she has sent this to our home. The photo felt really off. The phrasing "you're the best!" All of which I expressed. What business has she using our home address when she knows exactly where he will be week to week?

In my working life I've never done this or even thought of doing this? Is it out of order? He played it down but it's been playing on my mind. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia 3 years ago. Our life has changed a lot and I often wonder if he wouldn't be happier with someone who isn't disabled.

UPDATE

We've had a chat.
He is thoroughly embarrassed the gift.
He has spoken to her and to the project manager who will also be speaking to her. They agreed to give her a warning and not go to HR. If she does anything even remotely like this again then it will escalate.

It seems she will be looking for a new project as well.

He agreed completely that it was out of order and he'd feel exactly the same way if a man sent me gifts at home with a photo of us both on the side.

She is very territorial at work but also takes liberties around hours booked and the like. He says she seems to feel a bit "special" and if she likes you, you're the wonderful, if not then you're on her shit list. Not sure of she's sent anyone else gifts.

I explained that with him working away so much, it leaves room for doubts and insecurity which he totally gets. Added to my physical condition it hits harder.

So I feel reassured that she's been told and if she attempts it again, she'll get all the clarification she needs

That sounds like a good result. I dropped cakes off at my male colleagues house once BUT his wife was home, I gave them to her and included some for her and the children, no weird photo and there was a reason for them!

Ah OP, sorry this is going on for you!

What did he say about the Christmas hamper? Did he gush about receiving it? Seem perplexed?
She couldn’t have been up for review then and now again at Easter…. Do how does he read her Christmas gift?
Were you referenced at all at Christmas eg happy Christmas to you and yours/all the family..?
Did he blush then or just this time?
it seems to me that it’s likely there may at least have been some kind of “conversation” between them after Christmas such that he NOW gets the significance of the Easter “gift” whereas he may not have done at Christmas. But his response was to behave as if this was more like a bribe.. even though his face said something else completely

You really can’t make demands about which projects she works on/doesn’t work on, or that your DH is accompanied when he does her review. If we got a list of demands like this from someone’s partner it’d be laughed out of the office!

You feel she’s overstepped. She probably just thought it was a nice thing to do. This is all being blown way out of proportion.

The only thing that you could do, is ask how she got access to your home address. Did she snoop or is it easily available? In our team we all have access to each other’s address and contact details, but we give consent for this to happen. If she snooped that’s not on.

To protect himself your DH could let HR know ‘off the record’ that it’s happened, so if she does anything again her behaviour has already been logged. But honestly? I think you’re over reacting.

Right.
At Xmas he sort of shrugged and laughed. There was just a Happt Xmas message and New Year.
I said it was odd and I had my eye on her but I really didn't think it woukd happen again and speaking with him now, so did he.

God this site pisses me right off at times, they take a bad situation and wind the op up for the drama of it.

op I can’t believe what people are telling you and you asked him to take it to hr and said it was an Invasion and would speak to her yourself, it’s as unhinged as it gets, and reeks of jealousy and insecurity

if you think your husband is shagging a direct line then deal with it, otherwise it’s just an ambiguous female brown nosing her boss. I can’t imagine reacting like you are.

There are other reasons she won't be on the next project. Not just the gifts.

That is odd. As an assistant you don't send gifts to your married bosses home. Saying 'you're the best'?! With a photo of him and you together?

Why is he the best? He's just her boss and she's spending her much lower wages on presents to try and impress him?! And having them sent to his house even though she sees him daily at work?!

She sounds borderline unhinged. She must fancy him. And the fact he went bright red makes me think the feeling could be mutual. Or at the very least he's enjoying the attention.

Good outcome, OP (and OP's DH!)

Seriously as a woman I would never dream to do this. It’s so attention seeking to a married man and your boss no less - wholly inappropriate.

I get why it feels weird. If I send a card to my boss at her home I send it to her, her partner and their children. I see mention that maybe there's a cultural misunderstanding so hopefully your husband can talk with her about it. I'd like to think that if it's anything actually dodgy she'd not have been so obvious about sending it to his home?

Could she not have left it on his desk?

It's absolutely inappropriate and she should have been told at Christmas it was.

Having said that, if a workmate had sent me something similar and there genuinely wasn't anything in it, I'd probably go puce as well, because it is STILL inappropriate!

The thread should be about @lolaflores and her inability to communicate / or concern about communicating… with her own husband!

Your DH should make it very clear this should never happen again, and even suggest harassment if it does.

If there is no secret relationship that is.

To have walked out with your kids on Saturday without waiting for a response, and to then return and not say a word, and then 4 days later, still no chat with him, start a mumsnet thread…. The marriage issues go deeper than a potentially dodgy work relationship

Definitely weird behaviour. If it was an attempt to bribe him for a good review 3 packs of M&Ms is a weak bribe, a good bribe needs to be cold hard cash imo 😎. It seems to me like a bit of attention seeking / drama starting, some people are just like that.

OP, her accessing his home address is likely a breach of GDPR?

There is no cultural context at all IMO , this definitely would raise a eyebrow on mainland Europe.

I think he needs to be very careful.
Pushy, ambitious, determined, and the sort to do this are capable of making sure they get what they want.

This IS a HR matter.
You have every right to contact HR directly and say how completely inappropriate this is.

His mortified face is because he knows well that she is flattering him and it has landed.

Yanbu at all.

I'd be wanting proof of this "warning," how can they give a warning without letting HR know? She sounds rather stalkerish. If your husband has any sense he would have spoken to her and logged the inappropriate behaviour at Christmas. He's in a boiled frog situation here.
It was weird at Christmas and it's escalated, he is in a potentially vulnerable situation. As they are away together so much she could engineer all sorts of things.
I don't think you're over reacting at all, it is very weird.

It’s not surprising he was embarrassed! I mean, cringe-o-Rama. I’m embarrassed for her myself. Who does that?

His reaction is a positive one, I'm glad he didn't dismiss your concerns.

I'd check in again for updates and put it out of my mind.

She sounds idiotic - maybe just immature.

Years ago in my twenties I worked in a company full of hot, well heeled twenty and thirty somethings. We socialised together a lot. There was a senior guy who always joined in, can't imagine now that his wife appreciated it but at the time I was oblivious.

One sunday I decided to phone him and leave him a voicemail and text (in case he didn't hear the voicemail) thanking him for being so nice to me on the Friday and looking after me when I had drunk too much. I cringe now.

Monday he hung back after the staff meeting and gave me a "please don't use my number on a weekend again, that is my family time."

I didn't do it again!!!

Great outcome OP and just show you & him are able to communicate well and are on the same page/team. Pleased for you

Did HR give her your address?

Marking her territory right there in your home. He needs to put a stop to her.