Gifts sent to our home from DHs female work colleague

[lolaflores]

On Saturday a parcel came to the house addressed to DH. It said "Easter surprise inside!"
I assumed it was an early gift from family and thought no more.
He came down and looked surprised and thought it was family as well.
He opened it up and went scarlet! You could have fried rashers on his face. Then he started giggling and showed me. It was a box with 3 packs of M&Ms. On the front of it was a photo of DH and a woman who works with him. Printed on the side was "Happy Easter *, you're the best".
She did this at Xmas with expensive hamper but there was no message or at least nothing that stood out.

I gave it a few minutes and expressed my discomfort at this. The way the message was phrased and the photo of them on the box. She'd also made sure it was 3 packs of his favourite M&Ms.

He works away every other week. So does she. I've over heard her in the background while he was on the phone to me after work a couple of times telling DH everyone is off to the restaurant "r u coming? Ill save you a space. Shall I get a drink for you?"
She is a project assistant so he is her boss.

To me this feels inappropriate. I don't like that she has sent this to our home. The photo felt really off. The phrasing "you're the best!" All of which I expressed. What business has she using our home address when she knows exactly where he will be week to week?

In my working life I've never done this or even thought of doing this? Is it out of order? He played it down but it's been playing on my mind. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia 3 years ago. Our life has changed a lot and I often wonder if he wouldn't be happier with someone who isn't disabled.

But what needs to be 'done next'? Your DH says 'Look, thanks for the M and Ms, but giving presents outside the annual Secret Santa is inappropriate, and please don't ever send anything to my home address, ever.'

She thought that it wouldn't be bothered but didn't give much thought to how his wife night view it

It is 100% an HR matter and he would be foolish not to report this. Who knows what happens in the future but this colleague could turn the tables and say he has been harrassing her - in order to ensure transparency he definitely should report . Massively overstepping boundaries and totally inappropriate.

If he is senior to her and involved in her review, then yes it is entirely inappropriate and he could be in trouble for accepting a bribe, especially as he admits that he thinks she is trying to bribe him.

Oh come on, sending flowers to a sick colleague is completely different.

Have you ever sent a photo of yourself and a colleague, telling them “you’re the best”, to their home address? Would you? I doubt it.

People shoplift all the time but it’s
not the right thing to do, is it?

You shouldn’t be “weedling off addresses” of colleagues - it’s unprofessional. You sound like a nightmare.

Also - it doesnt matter whether she thought OP would be bothered. @OP IS bothered and it’s caused an issue.

That’s why people should remain professional.

Yes. That sums it up.

But it’s fairly standard juniors don't buy for senior folk..it’s strange and over familiar

OK, now you're being nearly as weird as her. Are you actually saying you want to march into the workplace and tell this hapless project assistant 'Stay away from my Darren!' thereby making your DH look like a a child who isn't able to speak up for himself?

"I said I thought it was an HR matter because of the home address and the wording of the message"

This totally

She has zero boundaries and he needs to take it to HR.

If he doesnt, then I guess he is flattered and likes the ego stroking, which could easily turn to cock stroking.

She wants to mark her territory and wants you to know.

I think this is sensible. She’s either unaware that this inappropriate (which seems unlikely), or she’s perfectly well aware and is hoping to cause trouble - in which case, you don’t want her to succeed. Don’t let her m somehow make you the bad guy.

Otherwise she asks him if he liked the gift and he says “yes but my wife gave me a hard time about you” and before you know it she’s inveigled him into a conversation in which she’s the thoughtful innocent and you’re the insecure nag.

If you received a similar gift from a work colleague or a single dad from the school gate, is he absolutely sure he would think it was completely appropriate? I doubt it, if he’s being honest but don’t let her drive a wedge between you in even the smallest way. It’s probably what she’s aiming for.

I should have added, he needs to keep his boundaries firm and strong, telling her that their relationship is a work relationship only and to stop ✋️

I've signed cardsbfor people at work after a funeral or birth of baby and so on but never had a home address.

I think you're a bit weird for your interrogation of the OP on here, and assuming every person would react how you would. It's easy to say what you'd do, but we all react differently when caught in the moment.

Maybe he went red because he was suprised, the picture is a bit weird. I have worked on projects before where someone has sent me a thank you gift at the end of it, was a female colleague mind you.

I doubt she would have sent it to your house if there was anything in it.

You hearing her in the background on the phone also, that sounds pretty normal. People often buy drinks for each other where I work and expense them.

BUT I do understand how this has made you feel a little uncomfortable.

Thank you! There was an uneasy feeling in the back of my mind that I had to be very careful how I reacted. If I appeared rattled by it; I'd lose ground as the reaction woukd be dismissed as over rection.
If I let it pass (as I did at Xmas) then there's a open door to whatever future thoughtful gifts she'd like to send.

I want it escalated but he feels embarrassed and tht it isn't that serious.
So my next question is "what weight should my feelings have in this?" Any?

It's so far beyond inappropriate it's unhinged.

So many lines being crossed.

I expect they are already in a relationship and she's wanting to make sure you know

If you quote the post, or "@" the poster then it makes sense who you are agreeing with.

Really cheeky she did this, and rather stalkerish to have and use your address. Very inappropriate

What's always the most important in these situations isn't what she's done, but your husband's reaction to your discomfort about it. It doesn't sound like yours has reacted well to your upset.

I think this could be the explanation.

@HDJH1234 thanks! I've not been here for a bit so some things have changed

Have you heard about the long standing sexual innuendo about M & Ms OP?
It was known as Randy Candy at one time and the green ones are supposed to be aphrodisiacs. And the other colours all have meanings.
I wonder if he and this woman have had a conversation about this? Hence his embarrassment and giggling and red face.

Inappropriate.
The photo on the box makes it worse.
He's her boss, not a co-worker.
On their work away weeks, she shouldn't be getting his drinks and letting him know they're leaving. These things aren't work-related.

Someone, preferably you, needs to have a serious talk about workplace boundaries and behavior. Not in a harsh way, but making him realize how this could look and that it could affect his employment. He may not realize the interpretation his employee, other co-workers, and HR may place on their actions.

I really feel for you. Things like this can rattle your trust. Also, it's possible that she sent that to your house to be discreet with work. Good luck. ❤

If that’s the case, and I think you’re right, he should hand the review over for someone else Ito do.

If I let it pass (as I did at Xmas) then there's a open door to whatever future thoughtful gifts she'd like to send.

What did you let pass at Christmas?