Gifts sent to our home from DHs female work colleague

[lolaflores]

On Saturday a parcel came to the house addressed to DH. It said "Easter surprise inside!"
I assumed it was an early gift from family and thought no more.
He came down and looked surprised and thought it was family as well.
He opened it up and went scarlet! You could have fried rashers on his face. Then he started giggling and showed me. It was a box with 3 packs of M&Ms. On the front of it was a photo of DH and a woman who works with him. Printed on the side was "Happy Easter *, you're the best".
She did this at Xmas with expensive hamper but there was no message or at least nothing that stood out.

I gave it a few minutes and expressed my discomfort at this. The way the message was phrased and the photo of them on the box. She'd also made sure it was 3 packs of his favourite M&Ms.

He works away every other week. So does she. I've over heard her in the background while he was on the phone to me after work a couple of times telling DH everyone is off to the restaurant "r u coming? Ill save you a space. Shall I get a drink for you?"
She is a project assistant so he is her boss.

To me this feels inappropriate. I don't like that she has sent this to our home. The photo felt really off. The phrasing "you're the best!" All of which I expressed. What business has she using our home address when she knows exactly where he will be week to week?

In my working life I've never done this or even thought of doing this? Is it out of order? He played it down but it's been playing on my mind. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia 3 years ago. Our life has changed a lot and I often wonder if he wouldn't be happier with someone who isn't disabled.

Completely wrong. Cheeky fucker

OP, respectfully, I think you may need to explain -- is there some backstory about your relationship being very rocky and involving lots of territorial wrangling, and you not feeling heard? Because otherwise I'm really not getting all this stuff about having to be careful how you reacted and 'losing ground' if you 'appeared rattled'. This all sounds like some kind of tense diplomatic treaty negotiations, not a marriage and a mildly silly situation in which a junior colleague overstepped with an embarrassing Easter present.

@MrTiddlesTheCat Yes. I feel like a bystander. How do I deal with this assertively and not undermining my own feelings and worries?

@Goldfish "It seems a bit odd but also quite sweet. I think if the person isn't from the UK they probably don't get work culture so much."

I've lived in Poland, Italy, France, Spain and the US. A woman sending chocolates to a married male colleague's home address with a picture of her and him alone together would leave any wife suspecting that he's shagging her. Unless this woman has lived her whole life under a rock, the culture is exactly the same in Poland and this gesture would leave any Polish wife fucking fuming.

He should have his boss or a peer in the room for the review.
he needs to report this to HR asap as an off the record conversation yesterday to cover himself because when it all goes south his career will be the one thats fucked up.

She needs to move into a different team

Totally inappropriate at best and straying into EA territory / abput to become an affair at worst.

And yes yes to this
this gesture would leave any Polish wife fucking fuming.

This woman knows exactly what's shes doing and your foolish husbamd is being played like connect 4

Tbh, his embarrassment suggests he hasn't done anything wrong and just felt awkward about it. I'd be more worried if he tried to act casual or tried to paint her as crazy or something more deflective

@RoughGuide
It's more a case that I don't want whatever this gift is about to create a storm. Of curse diplomacy necessary. Isn't every relationship we have in life a matter of navigating situations that arise? Listening and responding appropriately. Balancing the elements of a situation rather than reacting in the moment?

I'm assuming it was just a photo of them at a work event, rather than a photo of "them alone together" and there was nothing in it to suggest intimacy?

Overall, I think you are entitled to react however you want, and to feel whatever you feel, and to share that with your DH. But you can't 'take it further' - he needs to decide what's okay and that will depend a lot on his workplace.

I would be fucking furious. She knows what she's doing.

Does the company have an HR department?

Either he's having an affair or she's obsessed with him even though he hasn't reciprocated.

How does he think the matter is settled? You expressed your concern, he said NOTHING and then off you went to give away the sweets?
sounds like some bloody weird communication.
if this happened then yes, she definitely wants you to be aware of his friendship with her.
This is absolutely NOT a cultural thing.

@Echobelly
That was what I thought. He isn't the most demonstrative person and gets embarrassed easily by gestures like this.

Those are literally not the only two possibilities.

I've had all sorts of presents from colleagues and cards/flowers/chocolates sent to my home and I've definitely not shagged them all.

Sounds like they planned it together so he wouldn’t have to tell you himself.

Op absolutely can decide to end the relationship or set conditions she expects her husband to meet for the relationship to continue

But I don't see why it would create any kind of storm? Are you saying you suspect them of an affair, and that Project Assistant Woman is trying to flush him out into the open and make him choose between you by sending him Easter M and Ms at home? Or, if not, what it is you think is going on?

Otherwise, surely it's just an embarrassing overstep on the part of the junior colleague that needs a quiet word from DH that leaves her under no illusions that it shouldn't be repeated?

If DH got three packets of M and Ms from a junior, sent to our home address with a message about him being the best, I'd laugh and say 'Who still thinks they're at school and giving an apple to the teacher?' and not give it a second thought.

My main emotion would be disappointment, as I hate M and Ms.

This.

She wants you to know she is around. She sounds pretty desperate, a pick me sort. Do you trust your husband? Why did he go red?

Sounds to me like she has set her sights on him and wants to stir the pot a bit by sending the gift to his home address, with the assumption you might see it, and it causes problems between you both. You say she is Polish. Eastern Europeans are generally very direct in what they want. It’s important that your dh doesn’t confront her in a way that indicates pressure is coming from you to nip this in the bud, as I think that’s possibly the reaction she wants. But he should set personal boundaries, especially as he is her senior.

@Beenwhereyouareagain
Thats what I thought. If it's a big nothing and Just a gesture within work, she could have left it at work don't send it to our home

@Beenwhereyouareagain
Thats what I thought. If it's a big nothing and Just a gesture within work, she could have left it at work don't

@SuperSange
I think that would be a very good idea.

@Livelovebehappy
We've had that conversation before about her funnily enough. When the hamper came at Xmas, I raised an eyebrow and he put it down just this attitude. I didnt expect there to be anymore of it. Very pushy in a way I can't imagine being and I certainly can't tell the difference between ambition or being g a cheeky wagon.

Exactly. No one is trying to hide anything are they?

@TheThingOnTheIce
He's had a gift off a contractor for Xmas ince ,but to me that seemed more of a buisness gesture and there was no mention of being "the best" and a cheerful photo of them together in a selfie

But you don’t need to know what it is about.

Your DH, for his own professional reputation, needs to email this woman on his work email to say thank you and he received the Easter gift and that he is rather bemused as it is not appropriate, so he would be grateful if she did not send any more gifts. He understands there may be a cultural misunderstanding, but it is not generally accepted to send personal gifts to senior staff members’ homes in the UK and as well-meaning as it may have been, he’d like her to refrain from doing so again. He needs to make clear to her that this makes him uncomfortable and that he recognises that it could undermine his professional standing if colleagues became aware of this incident. He needs to protect himself [assuming he has done nothing to lead this woman on/is not having an EA].

If I were him I would then probably forward that email to HR or his own line manager and ask that this be logged, but not acted upon unless matters escalate. I might also ask that going forward, perhaps, she could be put on a different projects or with a team on business trips that may take you away from home, for both their professional safeguarding in case of any future misunderstandings.

Last week there was a thread about International Women's Day - a couple of posters mentioned that Polish/East European male colleagues/employers had given them flowers on the day, as is the custom in the former Eastern Bloc

I can imagine a few British husbands might be a bit unhappy or suspicious when their wife came home with flowers from the guy at work