Friend not disclosing she has kids she doesn’t see.

[99flake99]

How would you go about this? I have found out that a friend I have (reasonably close) has children she has never spoken about that live with her dad. She has had more kids now with someone else.

I don’t know how to take this, whether I should bring this up. I know there could be many reasons why it’s happened but I can’t help but feel a bit wary, it’s a massive thing to hide. Also I find it hard to understand why they haven’t kept any contact at all with them.

None of your business really

Could be many reasons why it's happened but shes probably not told you because she fears judgment. Which is what you've done.

It depends, did it just not come up or did she actively lie (saying she has one child when she has three for example)? Are you close? It could just be painful to her and she doesn't like to talk about it.

It’s none of your business. I would immediately drop a friend who thought it was their right to know all the ins & outs of my life, you’re being incredibly rude and self entitled.

Really?

Children are taken from parents only in extreme situations. All of the situations involve extreme abuse or neglect and you don’t think that might be a factor in who you chose to have around, including potentially around your family, including children. I would be incredibly wary of a person with this history.

She is under no obligation to "disclose" anything. Please respect her right, and wish, to keep her private life private.

They may not have been ‘taken’ they may just live with their dad. Very rare for a woman not to see her children at all though. Probably kept quit because she doesn’t want judgement.

It’s not judgment, it’s caution because of my kids. They have looked after my kids before. I’ve never had concerns but its just thrown me a little as walking from your children is a massive thing.

i think it’s suspicious too. If it was a man there would be judgement raining down from the heavens. That doesn’t mean you’re entitled to know anything about it of course or you’ll ever know but it would forever be a question mark in my mind.

They live with her Dad according to the OP.

now this is my concern as I have young kids. I could be totally innocent or awful but now I’ve got a bit of concern.

I’d be interested to know what the “ many reasons “ are because my experience in child protection leads me to think it’s not that common and the reasons are usually shit.

OP has not said the children were taken from the mother

Yes she says she has a certain number of kids only. When there are more. Speaks as if only had these children, has never slipped up.

@99flake99 it is absolutely fair that you never had concerns before but now you absolutely should have concerns with this additional information. People can be incredibly naive and refuse to see bad even with flashing red lights and waving red flags. You see it all the time on here people who cannot adjust their worldview in spite of a tonne of evidence, it is an incredibly human response but it puts children at risk.

No one would be saying you shouldn’t care if it’s none of your business if this was a man rather than a woman. No one.

How did you find out?

Do you know for a fact it's true?

Ok but she has said they live with her friend’s father, why might that have happened?

are they "her" kids or is it a surrograte situation?

Found out how? How reliable is this information? How old are the children?
Would you feel similarly concerned if it was a man never seeing his children and expect him to disclose it?

I’d keep my snout out of other people’s business tbh

The fact she has actively lied about the number of children she has his concerning because that means she's choosing to hide something. I would either need to find out what that is or I wouldn't let her around my children again.

Judgement is kinda necessary when OP is having to exercise judgement in whether to leave her kids with the friend. Without knowing the details, it's fair for her to be more cautious in future. If this was a male friend, everyone would be urging Claire's Law applications galore. OP I don't think you have a right to know what's gone on but equally think it's fair enough to pull back if you don't feel able to raise it in any way. All depends on the depth of the relationship really and whether you feel the basic trust has been breached.

It is a fact. It’s actually quite easy to see for yourself so I’m unsure on how this is to pan out. Anyone could find out. Its just all very odd.

Because they might have preferred it. Because the father may have spent considerable effort ensuring the kids don't have a relationship with their mother. I was dating a Persian guy about 20 years ago whose dad kidnapped him from France to Algeria and he hasn't seen his mum since the age of two. I am pretty sure I wouldn't have concerns about his mother in these circumstances.