Friend not disclosing she has kids she doesn’t see.

[99flake99]

How would you go about this? I have found out that a friend I have (reasonably close) has children she has never spoken about that live with her dad. She has had more kids now with someone else.

I don’t know how to take this, whether I should bring this up. I know there could be many reasons why it’s happened but I can’t help but feel a bit wary, it’s a massive thing to hide. Also I find it hard to understand why they haven’t kept any contact at all with them.

Why on EARTH do you think you have the right to ask her about this? If she hasn't mentioned it, she doesn't want to talk about it.

You are breathtakingly entitled. With your 'I don't know how to take this' and your 'I can't not know this now'. All I, I, I.

Jesus Christ, leave her alone, you bloody busybody.

Not on this thread they're not.

I would and do judge both men and women who dont disclose all children. But as a woman myself, there would be highly legitimate reasons my children were not a part of my life.

OP, you're being given a harsh time by posters here. Of course this is a big thing to know and of course you've got questions. I have no advice on what to do, but I just wanted to say you don't sound nosey or judgmental. Posting on here is much better than chatting to your NDN about it! You've given no identifying information at all, so I'm not sure why PP are flaming you for posting about it.

What about a child who lives within the care system but the mother still sees them? Would you automatically believe that it had been a removal?

It's none of your business.
I wouldn't presume bad/social services level. I know of someone in this situation. Yes, it is odd, but the dad/ex played horrible mind games with the child, and in the end it became so nasty and mentally exhausting, causing three miscarriages, that in the end, the mother asked what the child wanted (to live with dad), and resigned. Has tried and failed to keep contact so waiting until child is adult to hopefully resume contact without the ex-involvement.

So it could be something similar.

I think it’s completely fair enough to be bothered by this. I would.

No, not at all! 🤣🤣🤣

Nobody said they were taken

So what should OP do instead then? How has she hurt or harmed anyone by posting this thread?

I really feel suggestions would be different if OP said a male friend had two kids he never saw and had never once mentioned despite a close relationship. This is a big thing. It sounds like this woman is around OPs kids and a close friend. However, if shes not a close friend and just someone you know, I'd leave it.

Situation one - she is an abuser and kids were removed from her for their safety: possibly unlikely because she does now have her kids but OP should be able to choose if she wants to be friends with someone like that and at the very least can ensure her kids are never left alone with her.

Situation two - she is the victim and the father manipulated the situation to get full custody: while it may be painful for her to discuss what would be worse is if OP felt she had no choice put to pull away because kids safety is always paramount and this poor woman loses someone else because of a terrible situation. Also if OP found out, other people might and she should have a chance to lock down the information or get ahead of it.

If you are the only person who knows about this, and they live in a different city, how can you be sure that they are even your friends biological children? You say you're not even close friends so how could this come about that you suddenlyfind this information?

I think you are staggeringly nosey. Youre 'friend' is under no obligation to tell you anything of her past. I dont believe for a second that you are concerned that she previously looked after your children, you just sound like a busybody.

If she was a danger to children she would have had her next 2 children taken off her.

Really struggling to see how this is remotely any of your business whatsoever.

I think it’s very important not to assume conclusions, we have / OP has no idea why her friend doesn’t see this child that lives with her dad. Perhaps she was young and something happened, perhaps she gave child up for adoption to her father, anything.

What should she do instead?

She should take that poster's advice and stop being a busybody.

Nobody knows anything about this situation. Not even the OP. You have no idea about whether the children are in contact with their Mother, or whether they are 'welcome in the home'. Nor does the OP. She is just pissed off that she didn't know there were older children. These kids could have a wonderful relationship with their Mother, but for complicated reasons, the OPs friend has not told her about them. BECAUSE SHE HAS A RIGHT TO PRIVACY.

Absolutely agree. I think to intrude would be profoundly unBritish.

Another anecdote, I have a friend who had a young child die. I only met her after this happened and I came across this information by happenstance. Of course, I never mentioned it to her! In time, she mentioned it and now she talks to me about it sometimes.

Whilst this is true, IF they were removed from her care. It is also true that people who have had children removed have a high level of scrutiny when they go on to have subsequent children. So in my view she is likely one of the safest people to have your kids around. Unless the have moved area in which case sometimes things are missed.

You will never know what happened. Even if you ask her then, in the worst case scenario, she isn't likely to tell you more than a glossed over version of events.

In any situation it might be that she isn't talking about it so her older kids can grow up free of gossip.

now this is my concern as I have young kids. I could be totally innocent or awful but now I’ve got a bit of concern
Maybe dont leave your young kids with people you know nothing about then

Mind her own business and stop expecting to be told all the details of someone else's life, just because she wants to be?

How did you find out about her other children?

This.

@99flake99 - like so much in life, there is so much grey here. As some answers here show, to assume that there are no circumstances under which you would live severed from your DCs is misplaced black and white thinking.

I understand your concern about it if this friend sometimes looks after your DCs but she has more DCs and presumably they seem happy and well cared for. I’m curious as to how you were able to find out in a way that makes you certain you are correct whilst being sure you are the only one in your town who knows. I don’t think she is under any obligation to tell you as a demonstration of closeness or otherwise. It is quite possible to have a close, warm and supportive friendship without knowing every last thing about someone.

Overall, I would be inclined to assume that there is a very traumatic and painful backstory to this and that your friend’s way of coping is to keep it private rather than have to give explanations which are likely deeply personal and will likely be met with judgement (as your post proves). Remember - just because she doesn’t talk about these children doesn’t mean she doesn’t miss them and care about them.

I didn’t know at the time. We look after each others sometimes when something comes up that family can’t help with. I am sorry but knowing this now as caused some doubt. It is quite possibly all innocent but it could also not and I can’t un know this.

I knew a woman whose ex-husband took both the children back for a "holiday" on his home country and simply never returned. As there was no legal process between those two countries she wasn't able to utilise any legal means to get them back. Her only option would have been to "re- kidnap" the kids and she absolutely didn't have the resources for this. While she didn't "hide" this situation if she was asked, she did not bring it up or discuss it with all and sundry as it was obviously extremely distressing to have had her kids removed.