Friend not disclosing she has kids she doesn’t see.

[99flake99]

How would you go about this? I have found out that a friend I have (reasonably close) has children she has never spoken about that live with her dad. She has had more kids now with someone else.

I don’t know how to take this, whether I should bring this up. I know there could be many reasons why it’s happened but I can’t help but feel a bit wary, it’s a massive thing to hide. Also I find it hard to understand why they haven’t kept any contact at all with them.

C'mon, there's a world of difference between kids living with a father and still having a relationship with the mother, to zero relationship with the mother and the mother pretending they don't exist i.e. saying she has 2 kids instead of 4. Erasing your first children from your life and their mother's existence being erased from their lives is a pretty big deal. Strange that people are making out it's not.

Maybe they're her ex's children from his previous relationship?

It is not odd not to disclose something traumatic to a friend you've only known for 2 years.

That does change things from your OP living with a parent vs living with a grandparent is a lot more common and happens in a lot less extreme circumstances.

Ah ok so they live with their father. Not so unusual.

How do you know she is not in contact with them? And do you know if it is her choice or theirs to be NC?

That isn’t what concerns me. It the fact she hasn’t ever acknowledged their existence. She hasn’t said I have 2 other children that I don’t see.

I have 2 of my dc.. The older one repeated parrot fashion his df's words until I did stay away. Haven't seen him since he was 16...
He's now 25..
And no I don't mention him to new friends. It took me years and years to make any friends so horrific was my life at that time.. Being estranged is soul destroying.. Who wants to bring that up?.

Do you have children? Two year old's are your whole world, and you're theirs. You don't move on after 10 years from your 2 year old being kidnapped. You don't keep it private from close friends like a guilty secret. The op is a close friend, not someone she just met.

I have zero respect for anyone who has kids and doesn't see them and care for them.

How do you know she doesn't see them? Just because op doesn't know about it, doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

How did you find out?

Exactly.

And one you're only 'reasonably' close to.

The OP doesn't need to know anything, she just needs to stop leaving her kids with her if this is the 'need to know' line she's going with.

I know nothing other than she 100% has two more children that she hasn’t ever mentioned to anyone. Those children do not live in the city where we live. I don’t think anyone in this city where she has moved and had more kids knows. Although I suspect the partner of the new ones do but they aren’t together anymore.

Are you serious? You think that because, for reasons best known to herself and none of your business, she let her previous partner have full custody of their children, she is somehow going to be unsafe around your kids? Has she ever given you the slightest reason - aside from this choice she made at another stage in her life, which is none of your business - to think she was anything but good mum and a good friend?

Also, how did you find out?

I agree it's not good that the mother isn't acknowledging their existence. That's very sad. Maybe the mum's relationship with the kids dad was painful or one of the kids had issues and she wanted to move on with a blank slate. Still not good obviously but I still wouldnt be suspicious without clear reason to be. Mothers as well as fathers do unfortunately decide to just walk away to a new life because the previous one was painful.

Happened to me too, the friend had left (run away from) her first husband leaving their two boys behind, she had married very young. I knew her probably 20 years later married to her second husband with a young daughter. Her two sons tracked her down and tried to reconcile, but it didn't really work. It came as a huge shock to the people that new her then, but at least her second husband did know (I think). I couldn't understand it at all, she left two very young children with a man she claimed was abusive and didn't try to contact them or even keep track of them for 20 years.

I absolutely would judge someone who didn't have their kids or even mention them regardless of what others say about it not being your business. I wouldn't be friends with someone who didn't acknowledge some of their children and kept such a big secret.

She probably doesn't want people poking their sticky beaks into her trauma.

I know nothing other than she 100% has two more children that she hasn’t ever mentioned to anyone.

There you go, you know nothing other than that.

Yet your judgy pants appear to be choking you.

The age of the kids makes a bit of a difference.17,18,19 might be easier to explain.

What is with you. We’ve all fucked up. I don’t hide my fuck ups. What you see is what you get. It wouldn’t bother me at all, we all make mistakes.

Well you could always try asking her outright.
That's surely the most sensible option isn't it?

A relationship is built on trust.

I absolutely would judge someone who didn't have their kids or even mention them regardless of what others say about it not being your business.

Errrm....have you ever stopped to think the fact you 'absolutely would judge' someone who didn't have their kids, may be the reason why they wouldn't mention them?

Women are judged WAY more harshly for not living with their children.

And the OP has absolutely no idea whether she sees them or how often.

Yet here she is, judging her on a public parenting forum along with a jury who have no clue either.

I lost my firstborn child at six weeks. Nobody who has met me subsequent to that devastating loss knows that I have had three children instead of two. I do not talk about it, with anyone, ever. Some people like to handle things privately, and not share their trauma with the world. Their preferences should be respected, but unfortunately not everyone knows how to do that.

OP is wildly curious to know her "friend's" backstory and has conjured up this spurious safeguarding rationale as a justification for her nosiness.