Friend not disclosing she has kids she doesn’t see.

[99flake99]

How would you go about this? I have found out that a friend I have (reasonably close) has children she has never spoken about that live with her dad. She has had more kids now with someone else.

I don’t know how to take this, whether I should bring this up. I know there could be many reasons why it’s happened but I can’t help but feel a bit wary, it’s a massive thing to hide. Also I find it hard to understand why they haven’t kept any contact at all with them.

You don’t trust her so don’t leave your kids with her- easy one. No need for snooping and gossip.

Close relationships are built on trust.

You don't have to blab your personal business to someone you're only reasonably close to.

You haven't read my post properly, have you? I didn't say move on from their child. I said move on from telling every person they meet about a very traumatic event. I have friends whose children died in infancy and I only found out about that after 20 years of being friends with them. And I did not feel entitled to their private grief.
Now, I am not suggesting this is what happened to OP's friend. I am just giving you one of the scenarios where not seeing her child wasn't at all in mother's control.
I don't understand how having children suddenly entitles one to have complete information about every person they come into contact with in case there is a "safeguarding concern". An easier solution, as someone else mention, is for OP to look after her own children.

So would this be a decent thing to do, just say look I found something out and wanted to come to you? It feels weird but I can’t not know this now. But like others have said it’s her business. I don’t want to do the wrong thing.

I certainly wouldn't leave my kids with someone I'm only 'reasonably close' to.

I think it's made you feel left out by not knowing,rather than genuine concern.

She was probably worried that she would end up reported by OP to Mumsnet and have the most private aspects of her life picked apart by total strangers, none of whom (including OP) know anything at all about the facts.

And I don’t think anything on this thread will encourage her to open up to OP in future on this or anything else.

Well then the relationship won’t ever move forward I suppose. I don’t think anyone knows. It me be worth keeping a secret, which is sad because I wouldn’t run.

I really don't think the word 'decent' means what you think it does.

You have absolutely no right to ask this woman anything about her private business.

If she thought you were close enough or a suitable person to tell, then she probably would've told you.

Left out of what exactly?

Lol, it doesn't have to 'move forward' does it?

If you're still only reasonably close after 2 years, it probably wouldn't have anyway.

If everybody is gossiping about it - which sounds quite possible - then arguably it is decent to bring it up with the friend and let her know that people know. Although definitely not in an accusatory “why didn’t you tell me” way.

How did you find out?

The OP hasn't said anyone is gossiping about it.

Quite the opposite actually as she said she doubts anyone knows.

Although quite how she came to that conclusion is beyond me.

I am the only one. I have not mentioned to anyone else.

Way more than going on social media yes.

I also know someone who was in this position. Their mother really tried at the time, but was unsuccessful. So she got on with her life and had a child with another husband. Not sure if this child's friends parents would have known about the original child. I was quite good friends with her, but she only told me about it after a while. It's private and emotional. Good outcome in the end though as she managed to contact the original child via Facebook after they were 18 and they came to live with her when around 21.

I would just straight up ask and go from there.

Yes, it could be any number of reasons, from
parental alienation from the father to her being unfit. You simply don’t know.

What I do know is that one of my closest friends was abandoned by his mother (as in, to cut contact with the father she chose to cut contact with her son too) and I could see all the hurt and trauma it caused. I’d probably end my friendship with someone like that.

But if someone asked you how many children you have, would you say 1? Probably not.

Have you “only” been friends for 2 years?

I imagine this happened a long time ago before she knew you existed which is why she may have moved on from the situation, perhaps she doesn’t want to talk about it anymore with new friends

Seriously? If you have children legitimately living elsewhere, why hide it? Id be considering a friendship that wasnt truthful tbh

I meant to add if you are asking for info because there is a justifiable reason (other than mere curiosity).

Because women are judged far harder than men when they're the non resident parent.

Ridiculously judgmental. I have children I don’t see for long and complex reasons. They weren’t taken from me. It was my choice to cut all contact and it was the right decision to make. I miss them every second of every single day. I have two still with me.

There are many reasons someone may not have contact and instantly judging makes you sound like a complete cow.

Op, she might actually be seeing them regularly, but not tell anyone because she fears judgement. (I knew someone who did this).

It's unlikely to be (for eg) abuse or neglect as her subsequent children would have been removed.

But I agree you'd need to know what the situation is - it's nuts for people to say 'yeah i'd be fine with someone who has potentially been banned from seeing her kids and not mentioned it to be my bezzy/look after my own kids'.

MN is so weird sometimes, it's like some kind of mass hysteria pushes everyone to be as vehemently contrarian as possible.

I couldn't be friends with a woman who had made a home for a second family, but not moved heaven and earth for that home to include and welcome her other children. At some point in her life she has made a decision about this.

I don't understand why people are comparing this to bereavement and kidnapping (in other countries).