Friend not disclosing she has kids she doesn’t see.

[99flake99]

How would you go about this? I have found out that a friend I have (reasonably close) has children she has never spoken about that live with her dad. She has had more kids now with someone else.

I don’t know how to take this, whether I should bring this up. I know there could be many reasons why it’s happened but I can’t help but feel a bit wary, it’s a massive thing to hide. Also I find it hard to understand why they haven’t kept any contact at all with them.

Hardly. Men love away from their kids all the time and rarely is there judgement about that.

But nothing happened to your kids so what’s the worry now?

I know this sounds so feasible. But what if it’s not. I wish I didn’t bloody know. I don’t think how I found out matters but I wish I could not know.

Same.

Bit theres no shame in saying that if she is supposedly a close friend

How do you know they were taken? How do you know that the friend didn’t give them over because of circumstances?

How did you find out?

How do you know what you’ve heard is true?

and how do you know she’s kept it from you? She’s hardly likely in conversation say “oh by the way, I’ve got some kids that don’t live with me”.

Because it’s such a massive thing to hold back. I’m sorry I have young kids and previous abuse history and it’s just scared me a little.

I coordinate an international campaign working with DA survivor mothers whose abusive ex-partners make it their life's work to turn their children against them and who use the courts to gain custody and/or to contest visitation rights. They are very frequently successful to the extent that many lawyers advise mothers not to mention the abuse that they or their children have suffered since it is likely to go against them in court. The research evidence is really clear re the existence and impact of this bias against mothers. The shame, guilt, and heartbreak that ensues is immense and many mothers feel unable to speak about what has happened, both because it's too painful and because they will be judged. People assume that they must be at fault.
I've no idea what has happened in this case of course, but the scenario above is horrifyingly common.

I think how you found out could be relevant to the reliability of the information but completely understand why you might prefer not to explain it here. In the end, you have to follow your instincts. It’s right and natural for you to prioritise your children’s safety and if that means no longer letting her care for them, then that is the right decision for you.

I would steer clear and never let her look after your children again

How do you know this is the case though OP? Because if it's not from either parent (obviously the mum hasn't told you) someone may well have got their wires crossed somewhere.
I'd be thinking it's more likely that the other children were step children and she was in their lives since they were tiny, but when she and the dad broke up contact ended.

Great!

Don't leave your kids with her again and there's no problem is there?

Well apart from the fact you're eaten up by the fact you're dying to know her personal business.

But that's not her problem.

I know someone who walked out on her kids. She lives in the next town and met someone else and had kids. She hasn’t seen her first two kids since she left and hasn’t tried to. Their dad wasn’t abusive and didn’t try to stop her seeing them. She just left without warning and it was years before anyone from her “old life” realised she was only a few miles away. It’s weird and I do sort of judge her, as I think anyone would. Of course she must have mental health problems, and for that I sort of sympathise, but you could say the same about any abusive parent surely.

Do you have any lived or professional experience in child protection? The fact that she has more children in her care strongly suggests there isn’t any ‘extreme abuse’.

It’s wonderful to know that despite raising 4 children with additional needs successfully I would be deemed utterly untrustworthy by so many people of having any contact with children. All because in my case one man used every trick in the book to brain wash two of them and there was no support or way of fighting him in court. So I had to let them go.

Way to go ladies. Kick more women when they’re down.

"So would this be a decent thing to do, just say look I found something out and wanted to come to you? It feels weird but I can’t not know this now. But like others have said it’s her business. I don’t want to do the wrong thing."

Op, just ask her, let her know how you found out (so she doesnt feel that you have been playing at being a pi) and ask. That would be the open upfront and adult thing to do.

If it was a safe-guarding arrangement, ie keeping her children safe from her, she is not likely to tell you that.

However if she was fleeing a narcissistic psychopathic ex, who had means inwhich to use the family courts as an abusive weapon, she may share this with you.

She may have been in a really bad place mentally (mental health issues, addiction etc) and could not cope at the time.

There could be many reasons for her to walk away.

There probably would be if they denied their existence. Makes me think of Super Hans and 'the twins'.

So how did you find out?

If only you know, and she's never mentioned it, and she 100% has no contact with them (how do you know that?), and she has never once mentioned them, and according to you is keeping it all a secret, and yet you also say 'Anyone could find out' - how exactly did you find out?

Not every explanation for this situation is sinister. Sometimes for various reasons people decide their children are better off with someone else, and often they are right. Would you feel this way if she'd felt compelled to have her children adopted formally because she thought it in their best interests at the time?
As you've never had the story from your friend, you have no way of knowing the circumstances or whether she does actually see them or support them. All you know is she's chosen not to discuss it with you. Which could be because it's painful and/or she fears your judgement.
If you don't feel you can proceed with her without some clarity now you know, you will have to ask her straight out.

Who says they were "taken"? Maybe she chose to leave. Like men do all the time. Not saying it's admirable, but doesn't automatically mean she's an abuser.

Maybe she hasn’t told you because you aren’t as close her as you have been assuming? Maybe she doesn’t trust you enough yet? Anyway no one making you leave your kids with her.

I think the fact that the OP won't tell us how she found out, speaks volumes.

The OP is refusing to say.

Possibly because it might point to the fact she's completely wrong and the woman doesn't have any other kids at all 🤦‍♀️