Friend not disclosing she has kids she doesn’t see.

[99flake99]

How would you go about this? I have found out that a friend I have (reasonably close) has children she has never spoken about that live with her dad. She has had more kids now with someone else.

I don’t know how to take this, whether I should bring this up. I know there could be many reasons why it’s happened but I can’t help but feel a bit wary, it’s a massive thing to hide. Also I find it hard to understand why they haven’t kept any contact at all with them.

I can absolutely understand this situation. But to never mention it. I wouldn’t be able to hide having my kids kept from me. But that is me projecting.

"I don’t know how to take this"

Because it's all about you, isn't it? 🙄

You don't 'take it', you keep your nose out.

And if you're trying to shoehorn it into "I'm worried about my kids", look after them yourself.

I think you are right to be concerned. And yes if I'm being honest with myself, I would probably judge her for it. I could not imagine a scenario where I would have kids that I didn't acknowledge or see. So in my mind, it must be something very serious.

@99flake99 can I clarify if it is her father (the children’s grandfather) or their father that they live with now.

Father

I would ask about it and I'd wonder why she hadn't felt able to tell me as we are close. There could be a number of reasons, I'd imagine none too sinister seen as she's got kids that do live with her.

But if you were the mum in this situation you'd talk about him, wouldn't you? If I was his mum, he would be all I'd talk about, it'd be all consuming. All of my friends would know that my child had been kidnapped by his father. So it's not comparable.

Because ime their df may been a narcissist who left her on the edge and she felt she had no option.
It was very nearly me. I was 6 stone with ptsd. And malnutrition which left an open sore on my face. Trust me the 'easier' option would have been to give up. I struggled on barely..
My empathy is with your friend... Not her friend...
If she was a danger why would she have any dc at all now?

This and to never ever slip up in conversation of the 2 years

Can't you just ask her

I would have a lot of empathy for this. I would understand having been in a similar relationship. Would you not try and reconnect once feeling stronger with the kids though?

Assuming it's true, I would have no more to do with her. As well as the safeguarding of my own children, I have zero respect for anyone who has kids and doesn't see them and care for them.

Its odd. However posters are pretending its not. Its made you feel differently about a friend because someone you knew and liked has a past that you cant relate to at all. I wouldn't be able to stop thinking or wondering about it and it would change how I saw my friend. I know thats judgemental but I find it hard to believe that the "none of your business" gang would really have no thoughts at all if this was suddenly revealed about someone they were close to.

As to how you take it or what to do, I dont know.

I highly doubt his mother would still be "disclosing" it to every person she met for the rest of her life. I'd think that after 10, 20, 30 years, most people would move on from the "all consuming" stage and process their grief in private.

Or severe mental illness?
Don't be so judgemental

And if you had walked away from your kids - would that be it? You would never see them or speak of them again? Just go ahead with a second family and leave the first lot behind? Men do this and we - rightly - judge them harshly. Why assume this woman is a victim with no evidence either way?

So the children live with their father and not their mother?

I'm not sure why this is such a big deal here. Some children prefer living with their dad. I wouldn't be automatically suspicious without further information.

If you can’t have an open and honest conversation with her about it, is she truly a friend?

Can you please answer the question?

But in this situation shes left her children with that narcissist. Huge sympathy if it is the case but surely she wouldn't escape without ever trying to protect her children from the same abuse, even if to do that she had to save only herself initially.

I completely understand why you feel wary, but I'm also not sure that anyone is entitled to know about private/personal situations just because you are friends. (To an extent of course, I.e not legally allowed to be around children and a friend who has kids, a very different situation).

For example I grew up in foster care and had a lot of negative experiences/bad choices up until mid 20s maybe. I wouldn't feel comfortable sharing that information or the details around it, and I certainly wouldn't think that my friends were entitled to know about it, as it has no bearing on who I am now.

Your only options really are to let it go and accept your friend for how they are with you, move on from the friendship if it isn't something that you can accept or directly ask about it. You dont know the circumstances, your friend might not want to discuss it and that's their decision I feel.

The kids live with their dad..

Wow. Awful.

Sorry that still isn’t clear? Do the kids live with HER father or THEIR father.

My assumption would be that she had been in a very different situation when younger, perhaps in an abusive relationship, perhaps addiction. And whilst she has now sorted herself out, the now older kids don’t want to see her. If she is not even trying to see them then I would probably judge her for that, but there’s no reason to think that’s the case.

As for not opening up about it - I wouldn’t either if I were her. You can imagine it is a very emotional subject and one that other people are likely to be judgy about (see this thread).

Children who have two loving parents and choose to live with their father is not weird. What's weird is that their mother does not acknowledge them and when asked how many children she has she does not count them, she counts only the ones living with her.