Friend not disclosing she has kids she doesn’t see.

[99flake99]

How would you go about this? I have found out that a friend I have (reasonably close) has children she has never spoken about that live with her dad. She has had more kids now with someone else.

I don’t know how to take this, whether I should bring this up. I know there could be many reasons why it’s happened but I can’t help but feel a bit wary, it’s a massive thing to hide. Also I find it hard to understand why they haven’t kept any contact at all with them.

We’ve actually got very close. If it was just someone I’d see rarely it wouldn’t matter. It is someone who I have opened up to.

It wasn't inadvertent, but thanks.

I’d given up on the thread but not unwatched so can see you’ve explained how you found out @99flake99 . Given it’s an open Facebook page, it sounds like she hasn’t taken any reasonable steps to hide her past, so I don’t think I’d jump to it being a secret.m as such, or her being a danger. If she was a devious child abuser she’d be much better at hiding her tracks.

In my experience the kind of person that plasters their personal life all over social media is also the type of person likely to refer to their current partner’s children or nieces and nephews or even friends kids as ‘theirs’. You seem convinced they are definitely her children, so maybe she’s also got her labour pics up there. People are nuts.

Even if they are her children, as a pp said, she may have not wanted to get into a big discussion at the time she talked about the kids you know about, and once she’d said it she was stuck.

Given it’s out there and you found it legitimately, there’s no reason you can’t ask her about it. If you’re as close as you think then you have to trust she’ll tell you the truth, like she’ll have to trust you with the information. You’ve already said you wouldn’t turn your back on her so you have to at least give her the opportunity to discuss if she wants to.

Oh dear, in your condescending reply to someone with a different opinion your inadvertent typo has changed the meaning of your entire point.

Yes there is. I’ve explained why the pattern of thinking is problematic and how OP would benefit from therapy. I very much understand how CBT works. You clearly don’t.

But not close enough for you to ask her instead of coming onto social media and asking bunch of strangers ?
You are revealing more about your own state of mind than what may or may not be a cause for worry.
Mothers do sometimes leave their children. For all sorts of reasons. If you're that close to her, it should be OK to mention what you've seen and ask her.

This very platform is designed for this. To ask questions and get answers.

Op. Most of these responses are absolutely ridiculous.

As I said in my last response, we each are entitled to decide who we share our own and our children’s lives with. Whether it’s a moral or safeguarding (or other) reason this is making you uncomfortable is totally understandable. You need to gently let your friend know you are aware, tell her that it’s completely up to her if she wants to share the situation or not but as it’s clearly something that isn’t going to melt away in your mind with time only then you can decide how you feel and whether you want to continue a friendship.

if she’s struggling with a toxic ex who has taken her children obviously that’s completely different to having children removed.

You aren’t going to get more info from this thread than that as no one can give you the answer to how she has found herself in this situation. If she tell you the reason only you can decide on how that will impact your friendship and if she chooses not to then it’s the same outcome. I totally understand you coming here for advice but it seems most people don’t want to understand your dilemma and want to label you as nosy which to me is absolutely absurd.

People are talking on here like the OP is asking about her how many people she’s slept with or her bank balance, she’s found out something huge about a close friend.

ACTUAL HUMANS BIRTHED INTO THE WORLD!

Mumsnet is sometimes the bizarrest place

Yes. I didn’t want a discussion of how she got in this position. Just advice on whether to approach or not. I found out a while ago and have tried to carry on as normal as it’s not my business but I can’t really. I have naturally been more reserved with the info that we talk about which she must notice. The trust has kind of gone because as others have said you don’t really know people, I thought I did. But thanks for your replies, I have a better idea now.

“L0V315 · Today 08:43
so you did a search to find her on facebook, which is a normal thing to do. 2 accounts popped up with her on them, which is not uncommon and you looked at them, that is how you approach her about this issue.
Give her the heads up so that she can set all the information on her older account to private. Let her know that you will keep her old life to yourself and that you respect her privacy.”

@99flake99 - if you’ve become close, then i think this is a reasonable way to proceed. One of my oldest friends has an old Facebook account which predates her divorce and a second (current) account which postdates it so it’s not that unusual but what’s strange here is no longer seeing the children.

As you say, your children’s safety trumps everything else and, as an abuse survivor, it’s perfectly right and understandable that you are particularly sensitive to anything which seems off. Perhaps there’s a world where you continue some social contact with her but don’t have her babysit your children. But the real point is that you can’t “unknow” this and it’s too big a thing for you to forget even with time. Your concern is understandable.

I certainly couldn’t just carry on OP. True Friendships are built on love, trust, openness and connection.

That being said she still can choose obviously not to share that but that’s then totally up to you whether morally you can withstand that and I know I couldn’t or wouldn’t.

good luck op sorry that given your own history people couldn’t have been more helpful or understanding x

The double standards on here never cease to entertain me.

A woman comes on and says she has a new friend who has never disclosed that she has kids she doesnt see - whole of MM dont be so nosy she clearly has reasons.

Woman comes on and says 'just started dating a man and found out he has kids he never mentions/doesnt see'. Whole of MM - RUN A MILE.

It’s ok. I’ve been through a lot and strangers on the internet aren’t scary when you’ve faced real danger. See this is my issue. I have talked about this with this friend. They have heard me talk very empathetic about abuse etc, how it feels, how I got away. But they have still not mentioned it. I don’t know I think I’ve spent so much energy to get to this place in my life, honesty is very important to me.

Friend you vaguely know (who evidently isn’t that close to you) vs romantic partner you might share your life with

Knowing a man abandoned his child vs having no idea of the circumstances

Most of my friends lasted longer than any relationship I have been in including my marriage. I would be as wary about a potential friend as a potential boyfriend.

Sounds like for whatever reason its better for the other kids to be with her dad and everyone drew a line in the sand about that.

If it were anything to do with abuse or neglect that those children were officially taken from her, she wouldn't be allowed to keep the children she has that you know about, not least without very careful monitoring to make sure they weren't in any danger.

Its probably a very painful subject for her, and very personal. I don't think it would be fair to pry, but there's no obligation for you to leave your kids with her again if you don't feel comfortable with it.

Exactly and we’ve talked a lot about all sorts of things. I don’t think I’m the best judge of character. I always see the good and get myself into situations. Like with my ex husband. I sometimes worry I’ve got a sign on my head with this ones soft on it.

Op knows what she knows, and could form a decision based on that, but wants more info.

Info that a supposedly reasonably close friend could have chosen to openly share and discuss, but has every right not to, even if there is a FB profile out there.

As pp's say if it was a horrific circumstance the friend wouldnt be allowed to see her children. Yet thats not enough reassurance.

So op is fitting the label of being nosey. I dont think thats necessarily an awful thing btw, everyone's nosey about stuff. They dont always feel they have a right to know and act on that though.

Isn’t it possible that your friend felt she couldn’t or didn’t want burden you with her backstory, given that you’ve shared a lot about your own past? She may feel protective of you, she may feel uncomfortable if she handled things differently, she may just not want to share things the way you do. That doesn’t make her wrong or a danger, necessarily.

That could be possible yes. I do struggle with perspectives. I don’t see why I should say but I am Autistic. Why that should change how people respond I don’t see but perhaps it helps people understand that some people ask questions because they struggle with it in their own head.

This is quite right. The equivalent would be if the OP was talking about a same-sex partner. Then the advice would be very similar to what it would be if it were about a male partner. A friend is not obliged to share everything, especially not with a recent friend.

As I said earlier, it might simply be that the friend isn’t ready to share that part of her life with the OP.

For me it helps to know that because I understand more why you might ruminate and find it difficult to know how best to communicate with your friend now you know this. It might also be a factor in how close you feel to your friend and wanting to open up, and finding it more difficult to imagine why she could feel differently, as you say. I am also autistic so I recognise some of these traits in myself. It’s not relevant as in indicating that you’re wrong about things though, autism doesn’t undermine your feelings or thoughts. You will only know if you talk to your friend, and then you can decide how you feel when she responds.

100%

Yeah now if I could get my brain on board. It very much likes to ignore, face to face like this is quite scary. But like you say I do believe my feelings are valid. I don’t think I’m being a nosy bitch, but now I have that going around my head. I wasn’t searching, I had no need to search randomly, there is no logic in that. I would never have dreamed this would have happened. I take what she says at face value. If you say it, its true.