MARCH 2026 - Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

have now set up a new thread as the previous one is now full.
This long runnning thread has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.
The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!
One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;
'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'
Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.
Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.
NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.
You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.
'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
I started with this book and found it really useful.
Here are some excerpts:
"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.
Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.
Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:
"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.
YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".
"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.
YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".
"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."
"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"
"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."
"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."
Helpful Websites
Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat for details.
Some books:
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa
This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:
"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."
6

@formalwellies yes you're right about us begging families where we could talk about what was going on for us and be listened to. I think as humans we know we need that even when we are small somehow (even if not consciously). I'm sure it's where anxiety began for me.

I'm actually starting to feel sorry for GB2s partner. I know she had a difficult childhood and GB2 clearly has her convinced that our family dynamic (other than me) is something to aspire to. I doubt she knows that DM complains that he expects too much of GB2 as a parent (he does far less than his partner). I'm sure she will be the one doing most of the work involved in having DM around, whilst GB2 will claim all the credit and disappear back to their house for a rest whenever he can. Every time I have gone to DMs house since she's been staying with him it smells of cigarette smoke and there are takeaway containers in the bin. Since GB2 is the only person with a key that smokes I'm pretty sure he is regularly hanging out there (probably claiming to be at work or running errands) whilst his partner deals with their child and DM. Very definitely not my circus or monkeys, but it's incredible how they have her convinced that GB2 is he perfect son and partner when he's actually a self serving, lazy shit.

@formalwellies thank you! And, yes, your brother’s partner will be doing the lion’s share due to 1) his arrogance and entitlement 2) she has probably been gaslit that it’s her job 3) if he’s vile to you, he’ll be vile to you. Yep, self-serving arrogant shit. Karma will come.

@Sicario total schadenfreude. TOXIC has burned so many bridges, been such a cunt to many and he’s SURPRISED that there is no money and we don’t give a fuck. DICKHEAD.

Mummy Monkey is getting better, but it’s slow as it’s a nasty back injury from her falls and she is distinctly wobbly, plus cataract recovery. I will be here for 32 days.

I’m a bit pissed off with my brothers.

One lives overseas and one lives two hours away.

We had a family conference about mum. I think she needs sheltered accommodation, she agrees, and this seemed to be agreed the other evening between the four of us (wine had been taken LOL) Now they’ve backtracked & want her to stay here. Big house, too rural. I wrote up a list of tasks that we need to do to either get sheltered accommodation OR for her to stay here. Staying here is increasingly unsafe, I think.

I got a board room style email back from overseas brother telling me what my priorities are.

“Your priority is mum's pain and gettting support for the house”

“Please, do not tell me what my priorities are.” was my reply.

FUCK OFF.

SO, getting a carer for my mum - even though she would like it, her words - from her local authority it’s going to be hard going.

I’m passing some jobs back to my brothers. I’ve learnt from here to avoid becoming the de facto carer. My mum is incredibly grateful as are my brothers actually, but I do NOT respond well to orders. I never have, I never will!

have a good weekend everyone xxx

@ManchesterMonkey - deja vu here. Years ago, after my DF died, first-born Golden Brother turned up and insisted on taking the mother out to speak to her ALONE as the new Head Man Of The Family. All very under-hand. Had told her that there was no need for her to move. It was always all about the money.

Funny that, isn't it? And of course it is the daughter duty anyway so no inkling of actually stepping in with anything resembling practical help.

It doesn't matter what they "want". It's none of their business. It's about what Mummy Monkey wants. Sons can be quite dominant over their mothers in the we-know-best manner. I think it's inbred.

There are some lovely sheltered accommodation communities around, and her money (if there is any) is hers to provide the best possible living arrangement for herself.

My mum had a lovely cleaner / carer / companion who was paid on a private basis. It's a well-suited job to someone who is looking for flexible employment. Certainly did the job very well prior to moving into a sheltered arrangement.

@ManchesterMonkey Has your mum had an adult social care needs assessment? They are not just for people who are in crisis/need local authority funding and you can arrange for someone to come out and do it in her home. I organised this for DM and actually they were pretty useful in pointing me in the direction of the right people to contact to arrange paid care/look at residential options etc as well as telling us about meals services/befriending services/falls alarms options local to her. I just called the number for adult social care at her local authority and they came out quite quickly. Unfortunately for me, GB2 quickly over-rode all of this and decided mum didn't want outsider involvement but it would have been a good start point otherwise.

Definitely avoid becoming the de-facto carer and I'd make it clear to your brothers right now that you dropping everything to deal with this crisis is not something you would be able to repeat. Perhaps ask which one of them will be 'on call' to deal with the next fall. I'd also advise you discuss sharing the work involved in organising carers and everything else needed if she's going to stay in the family home rather than in sheltered accommodation. There would be carers to organise (and deal with any problems/changes/messages from them), shopping/meals service to organise, medication/medical appointments as well as emergencies etc. A lot of this could be done remotely so them being further away doesn't get them off the hook. If they are not willing to commit to doing any of that, they don't get a say in where your mum lives. Easier said than done, and I know your brothers are not the same breed as mine but it seems to be a theme that sons make sweeping statements about parents' care and expect daughters to make it happen.

@Sicario yep, I feel in my guts that what’s incoming. Not happening. My brothers are nice guys - genuinely - but I think because they saw my mum and aunt care for our grandmother (I have no uncles on that side) that that’s the example set. We could easily downsize Mummy Monkey - respecting her wishes, of course - rent her lovely house out and rent sheltered accommodation.

@formalwellies i really feel for you being over ridden and facing that level of shit from your brother. How dare he?!?! What’s the issue with you making sensible decisions?

Because i have a practical side, despite being a tad arty, i spoke to social services yesterday. They were really helpful. They will ring me. I saw them last year, but I don’t think my mum was at the stage to need more substantial help. She is now.

That question is going to be asked. Again. Who’s doing what? Cos I am NOT doing it all.

I’m freelance. My income went down through shit mental health when I was looking after The Hag - toxic MIL, thankfully dead - and last week I earned nada and this week the princely sum of £67. Buying wine with that.

Like I say, they are nice guys, but the societal assumptions are there.

Hello all. I have just found this thread as it was posted by another member, I think I have heard of it before but didn’t realise it was long running. My DH’s family was really abusive, his mum is a narcissist and one brother a “Golden Boy”. I think seeing really abusive families stopped me from seeing what was wrong with mine.

I am nearly 40 and have only just come to the realisation that my parents are bad parents when it was discovered that my 6 yo DD had been sexually abused. My DNiece was abused years ago by her dad and the relationship was abusive for my DSis too. I always thought it was weird that she had ended up in an abusive relationship when our upbringing was “good”. My parents were so supportive of my DSis and DN because they always hated my DSis’s husband.

When it turned out my DD was abused, it was by a member of the family, who they obviously care about. So their whole attitude has been dismissive, even trying to sort of blame my DD. They just want the “family back together” and want my family unit to associate with my DD’s abuser like water under the bridge. My dad even said “it’s not (CSA) that damages kids, it’s the parent’s reaction to it” by which he was trying to imply that me stopping my family from seeing the abuser is going to harm them more than the abuse?

I always thought I was lucky, but never really felt lucky if that makes sense. I felt lonely and like an outsider. I was told all the time how much my parents did for me etc. and I thought I must be a bad daughter - I thought I must be spoilt and I must be the one with the problem because all the rest of my siblings seem to want to be enmeshed with each other and I didn’t.

Anyway, it’s been a bit of a shock to realise but now I can make sense of my whole life and also stop blaming myself.

I’m so sorry for the struggles you’re all having, but I do feel better finding you all here rather than trying to talk to people who just think, “oh but they’re family!”

Oh eerie I am so sorry love. That is horrendous. They are blaming a six year old for a nonce in the family hurting her? The mind boggles. Honestly.
Protecting the nonce is deemed reasonable instead of supporting their daughter and granddaughter?
Wishing you strength x

It’s slightly more complicated as the abuser is also a child, so they just can’t accept that it is abuse, but it is and anyone else can see that it is. I have heard about parents or other family members refusing to accept that abuse has happened, but I never thought my own parents would be like that. I thought they were good parents. But not one phone call. They haven’t asked how I am, how DD is. The fact they haven’t called has been blamed on me too.

I read the book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” which was recommended on MN on another thread and it’s like my whole childhood is explained, all of a sudden. I think they do love me, but they just don’t know how to process complicated feelings. They both had shit childhoods themselves.

It’s been a bitter pill to swallow.

@Eeriefairy - That's beyond awful and I cannot imagine the hurt and trauma caused to you. There is no countering the denial and refusal demonstrated by your extended family. Apparently it's not uncommon. Nobody wants to go there and see this for what is plainly is. Keeping up appearances and sweeping it all under the carpet is what they want you to do. Which is mind-boggling.

Have you sought counselling to help you navigate this? It's worth considering and would take a specialist trauma based therapist.

It's none of my business obviously but I would give some serious thought as to whether you want to continue having a relationship with your Family Of Origin. It's likely that there's nothing there for you but pain, sadness and righteous anger.

Ah, that does make it trickier eerie but you are absolutely right to stand your ground. If SA is being dismissed - experimenting, playing doctors and nurses etc or if there is neurodivergence involved - you are absolutely right to protect your daughter and want their support.
It is a safeguarding issue. And it is not an overreaction. Most children know right from wrong and that their private parts are private. We teach that and boundaries from a very young age. Primary school aged children know more now and if there are age gaps, older ones know if they are exploiting younger relatives.
Your parents are dismissing it, they do not find it palatable but the child perpetrator in question may well be acting on abuse they suffered/ sometimes SA between children is copied/learned behaviour. That might make them a victim too in your parents' eyes but should not mean you or your child, who is tiny, have to be subjected to their presence, forced to forgive or forget or retriggered each time for the sake of a family get together that social services would probably take a dim view of. Again, am so very sorry for you both x

Thank you for your understanding @ComeOnPhilEarlySpringPlease and @Sicario

I am on a waiting list for counselling and specific parenting education (not sure exactly what to call it, but a series of parenting courses for parents of victims of abuse) which are through an anti-abuse charity which has been really helpful. Talking to them on the phone about what happened and having that support. It’s so strange for me that I am getting that support from a stranger (and strangers online) instead of my parents.

The abuser is also a victim, and my parents aren’t dismissing or minimising the abuse they have suffered, because it was done by someone outside of the family (also a child, and very likely abused by an adult which is where it all started). I didn’t know child-on-child abuse was a thing, without an adult present. I sort of don’t blame the other children as I know they are victims, but I can’t pretend it’s not abuse what they have done. I can’t tell my DD to go and make nice knowing what has been done to her. What message would that send?

No you cannot. It has happened to a parent on here. Very challenging and difficult situation. All you can do is be there for your child, get the counselling yourself and follow advice given and steer clear from gaslighters, bystanders and all those making excuses. That will feel very lonely and isolating but you have to draw a line, I think. I am truly sorry for what you are going through.

Thank you for your advice. There was a lot of pressure on me at first, and I did doubt whether I was doing the right thing because of it, but I have made it clear that I feel how I feel and they have backed off. But it does feel isolating and lonely not to have the people in my corner that I thought I could count on.

We’re fairly low contact now and I “manage” my relationship with them, which has been made possible through the book I mentioned - before I read it I felt completely lost. Now I understand they can’t give what they don’t have to give if that makes sense.

I’m amazed by what some people are putting up with on here in terms of openly hostile families. Seeing people managing to deal with these dynamics and how strong you all are with it does give me hope.

Eerie, I don’t know about you but I’ve recently realised I’ve spent my whole life jumping through hoops trying to gain acceptance from people whose behaviour is less than acceptable at times and whose opinions should matter an awful lot less than they do.

It’s hard, because I think when you’ve had a damaged childhood, part of you will always be hoping for some kind of magic bonding moment - but I’ve learned to accept it will never come.

For your own sake, you need to switch focus. You know their attitudes and behaviour are unacceptable. There may be 100 of them and 1 of you, so you may start to doubt your sanity. But you know that’s the truth. It’s ok to drop the rope. In many instances,
particularly this one, it’s necessary for you and your family unit. It’s self preservation. It is ok not to compromise yourself, your family and your peace.

Yes absolutely I can relate to every word of that. Always having my feelings undermined and being judged by people who were not at all perfect. But I thought it was all for my own good and that I was the problem.

I know that no matter how much I give, there will never be that magical acceptance and “happy family” that I was made to feel like I was rejecting. They’re not really a happy family, and stream rollering over people’s real feelings to try and project the image of a happy family isn’t going to create one.

My DSis has always made me feel guilty because she takes on the burden of their unhappiness and wants me to share it. But she is deeply unhappy and obviously was in an abusive relationship because of how much she pushed her own feelings down for the sake of others.

There’s no going back for me now. It’s like I’ve taken the red pill in the matrix and I can’t unsee what I’ve seen. So, don’t worry, I absolutely won’t be compromising on safeguarding my DD. It’s just a bit overwhelming facing the reality of who my parents really are compared to who I thought they were. I understand a lot of people here grew up really knowing their parents were in the wrong, but I grew up believing there was something wrong with me for not wanting to be more involved with them. Now it all makes sense.

@Eeriefairy I’m so sorry for what has happened and for your family’s reaction to a terrible situation. It is a huge shock to the system to realise the people who are there to support you won’t support you and are far happier to ‘keep the peace’ and ‘maintain the family image’. Good on you seeking counselling, getting support from the expert charity and for reducing contact. In all of this you are the expert, not your family. They don’t get to dictate your emotional responses and to disrespect your boundaries.

Thank you @ManchesterMonkey I’m processing it all slowly and trying to make sure I don’t repeat my parents mistakes.

@Eeriefairy Credit to you for refusing to compromise your child's feelings/safety to appease your family and for seeking expert guidance.

I completely understand what you mean about no going back. I think for many of us it's been when our families' behaviour/expectations started to put our own children at risk that's we've started to see it for what it is. In my case, it was when my parents expected me to have my alcoholic, abusive, unpredictable, violent brother to stay with me for an extended period when my DC1 was born. When I said no they enlisted most of the extended family as 'flying monkeys' to try to persuade me (they even tried to get DH to tell me I must do it), denied/excused his past behaviour, shouted at me/called me selfish etc and yet still expected me to 'show loyalty' and not tell 'outsiders' the truth about our family. That's when I realised that the facade of having a perfect, supportive family would always be more important than my wellbeing or my DC wellbeing.

Several decades since that happened, I realise I was still trying to appease them/not wanting to upset them even after seeing this and put up with a lot more through guilt/expectation/concern for what others would think. I went completely NC with older brother at that stage but truly wish I had extended this to all of them. As you'll see from my other posts, I am now feeling drawn in to keeping up the facade again now that my mum is alone and elderly. If you do decide to go NC, you should be aware that people who have not experienced a dysfunctional family (including loads on other sections of mumsnet) will not understand and will come out with rubbish like 'but they're family, you have to make the effort', 'you'll regret it later', 'people go NC for no reason, it's a trend'. Ignore them and, whatever you decide, feel welcome to post here to say all the things you don't feel able to say out loud in real life.

@formalwellies thank you. I have read all of your posts and the situation you are facing is what I am dreading in the future. I know my DSis is closer to my parents (at least, she is enmeshed with them) and she will want to help, but she doesn’t drive so I will be de-facto help for taking them to the hospital/appointments etc. This has already happened to some extent in the last couple of years although it’s early days yet. I don’t know how (if) I would be able to cope if it gets to the point you are at but I can see it looming on the horizon.

I am already feeling guilty about pulling away. I think at least in my case, I do believe they love me. They just have no idea how to consider anyone else’s feelings or see them as being as valid as their own. Like a child. They can’t see or understand that their actions are harmful. They only see whether their own wants/needs are being met. I know ultimately it’s not my responsibility but after a lifetime of prioritising their feelings it’s hard to believe I’m not doing something wrong.

Someone recommended I join this on the back of another one I created about my mum who I really struggled with growing up. I felt like I was bullied at home in my late teenage years there, left with a horrible eating disorder which plagued me for 20+ years until I got help. Parents just came to visit me for 3+ weeks recently which was horrendous, and resulted in many mental flashbacks to the bad days, and ended up me not speaking to them after to get a mental break. I finally wrote out an email to my mum with my thoughts on why we do not get along, and what I was really upset due to. What came back shocked me. My mum apologised (which absolutely never happens) and admitted she had extreme mental health issues during that period. She also alluded to covering up something to help my sister and I continue functioning normally, and I am now convinced that my dad had an affair. I think my mum's mental health went to hell, she was a basketcase, and because I was very close to my dad, she took it all out on me. None of this is ok, but it is like a puzzle clicked into place. I'm extremely disapointed in my dad as when I was upset after the last trip he asked me to drop it as he had to continue living with my mum after it all, and wanted me to not make his life easy. It is like a bloody lightbulb has gone on in my head. There were arguments after a conference he was at when I was at home, one time a woman was brought up, my mum smashed a glass and sobbing, when I was at uni my mum went abroad for a year without my dad. It all makes so much sense. I'm really thrown that the person I spent my whole childhood idolising may actually be the one who did wrong, and the person who was horrible to me, may have been really suffering which has resulted in us being extremely low contact for most of my adult years. The last 24 hours has been a mental rollercoaster. My DH agrees with me and said he always had suspicions due to the year abroad, my sister knows my thoughts and hasn't replied yet.

@Eeriefairy just be super careful what you take on with elderly parents. My late MIL aka The Hag was a f##king nightmare. She was a coercive narcissist/sociopath as diagnosed by my counsellor and Mr Monkey’s. He has CPTSD as a result of his horribly abusive childhood. Old age tends to exacerbate personality traits. Sadly, The Hag didn’t turn into a sweet old lady. She got worse. Like really bad. So, if your emotionally immature parents - I do not know very much about that - have traits that are a nightmare now…we had to put some serious boundaries up. I went NC when her behaviour got worse, MM was considering it.

I don’t drive. I use taxis to take my mum to appointments. There are also hospital transport services and local charities may be available. That facilitates your sister taking them. Divide the duties. If your sister is emeshed with them, she may have a meltdown about their ageing. But that doesn’t get her off the hook.

I’m having to be extremely assertive with my brothers regarding my Mum’s needs. She’s 80 and keeps falling. I’m de facto project manager in this, which my corporate golden boy brother rather resents.

Today I spoke to social services who said it sounds like my mum needs a light touch care package, if only temporarily whilst her back recovers from two recent nasty falls. But, personally, I think it needs to be longer term. I updated the siblings, I got a testy reply email from The Corporate One and, obviously, nothing from The Baby brother.

Somewhere @formalwellies advised me not being the only person that the care people deal with. Excellent advice. Thsnk you!

My mum has a frailty clinic appontment on 2 June. It’s a day long appontment, so I’ve asked that someone goes with her. Not me. I did last year’s.

The Corporate One went on about having some Brexit related thing to do - he works and lives in Europe - “and how if he doesn’t do it, he’ll lose his job.”

I’ve pointed out that I’m freelance and a day off for me means I don’t get paid. I’ve asked The Baby Brother to do it.

I am absolutely standing firm on this.

They don’t get to determine my time and my priorities - well, The Corporate One is a control freak and likes to give orders and The Baby Brother is avoidant.

Just spoken to my lovely cousin (who’s like my niece) and she was brilliant. “You are not wholly responsible for your mum and they have to step up.”

But I do I think it’s a blip on their part and they will step up and get their act together.

But if they think I’m going to be a de facto carer, I won’t be billing them for £13 an hour, it’ll be £300 a day. Joke.

I’m just not conforming to the societal role for daughters. My mum doesn’t want that for me, either.

@chatgptmeup (great name!) it’s good that you had an apology from your mum and an explanation. Can I ask if she behaved like this to your sister or did you shoulder her anger as the family scapegoat? The explanation doesn’t rewrite history and guilt isn’t a positive emotion as it compounds feeling shit about yourself. Look after yourself and maintain your boundaries. Take care. X

So drained at the moment and feel like I’m barely holding it together. My brother is away so all the care for my mum is falling to me. My entire day has revolved around her today, which has meant no breathing room. My children were over an hour late to bed because we were still at her house. They were crying, arguing, I ended up shouting at them which I hate doing. Her house is a mess as I don’t have the energy to sort it and she physically can’t. Mine is a mess too as I’m too tired to face anything now. She wouldn’t even let me take them out the front door till they stopped crying for fear of what her neighbours might think!!
I told her it’s just too much for us for an extended period like this and she didn’t see my point of view at all. She said she’s barely asked for much time and she’ll add up all the time me helping her takes to show how little it is.

@ManchesterMonkey Thank you! I shouldered this one alone. My sister was the baby (as was my mum). They were very close and I was the hard to deal with one, or so I felt. I just had therapy last week and it's once a month, so I think this is time an inbetween session to try to figure out what I should do.