MARCH 2026 - Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

have now set up a new thread as the previous one is now full.
This long runnning thread has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.
The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!
One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;
'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'
Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.
Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.
NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.
You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.
'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
I started with this book and found it really useful.
Here are some excerpts:
"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.
Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.
Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:
"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.
YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".
"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.
YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".
"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."
"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"
"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."
"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."
Helpful Websites
Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat for details.
Some books:
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa
This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:
"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."
6

Monkey your mum appears to have mental capacity to make her own decisions and has said she'd like sheltered housing, so why is this now being derailed because your brothers want something else? None of you children needed to have a family meeting about it or to agree with her decision to move into sheltered housing, it's not any of yous choice, it's your mum's. I'd ignore what they've said and help her get her house on the market and help her look at sheltered housing options. They can kick off as much as they like, you're entitled to help your mum do what she wants, what your brothers want doesn't come into it.

I’m freelance. My income went down through shit mental health when I was looking after The Hag - toxic MIL, thankfully dead - and last week I earned nada and this week the princely sum of £67. Buying wine with that.

If your brothers want to be all traditional about things, I'd force them to be affected by that. Ask them for money since you've lost earnings, invent some debt that needs to be imminently paid off or something.

But if they think I’m going to be a de facto carer, I won’t be billing them for £13 an hour, it’ll be £300 a day. Joke.

And there's your figure! I'm not joking. Tell them you've lost £300 a day and they need to split that loss with you, so they owe you £100 a day each. If they want to be traditional they can step into the traditional role of "provider" then, can't they! As for his bullshit claim that he'll lose his job, point out how many jobs you've already lost due to caring for your mum.

Food
She wouldn’t even let me take them out the front door till they stopped crying for fear of what her neighbours might think!!

Not trying to be mean to you but you let her choose this. You have the power to choose differently, to say to her "we're leaving now, bye" and then do it, whilst ignoring what she says about you not being allowed to.

I told her it’s just too much for us for an extended period like this and she didn’t see my point of view at all. She said she’s barely asked for much time and she’ll add up all the time me helping her takes to show how little it is.

None of this is relevant to your life because you're in control of setting your own boundaries. Those boundaries aren't something to be negotiated with others, you don't have to explain them or get her agreement, you just have them because you've decided it. That's how boundaries work. So all this is just hot air from her, she has no power over you, other than the power you choose to give her.

My dad even said “it’s not (CSA) that damages kids, it’s the parent’s reaction to it”

Your dad is one sick fucker Fairy

I run a car so that I can ferry her around to appointments and shopping.

Cats if this is the only reason for having a car, sell it.

She needs to be the one purchasing, maintaining and insuring a car (with additional drivers on her insurance) if she wants to be driven to appointments. She can then pay for your taxi to get to her buy buying less unnecessary shite. Failure to do this constitutes a choice on her behalf, a choice not to facilitate the circumstances whereby she can be driven by you.

If this was your best friend who you loved dearly, would you buy and maintain a car so you could be their taxi? I'm guessing not, yet you're doing that for someone you don't even like! Do you think that's the behaviour of an emotionally healthy person who has never suffered abuse?

One thing I learned during this process of dealing with the aftermath of being raised by such people, is that my definition of what is abusive and what isn't was totally off. If you're feeling/behaving the way an abused person feels/behaves, if you're feeling traumatised, then you probably have suffered abuse and it's just that you don't yet recognise it. Parentification is a form of child abuse and children can get removed from their parents these days if social services believe the child is at significant risk of emotional neglect. It's not irrelevant just because you weren't eg beaten.

Thanks for setting up this thread. I’m a survivor of sexual abuse by my mother. It’s rare, but it happens. I’ve spent my whole adult life in therapy, trying to make sense of it all, and I’ve managed to have a good life and career on the surface, whilst always struggling in many ways that people don’t see. Anyone else struggling to come to terms with this kind of abuse? It feels like one of the final few stigmas and it’s very hard to talk about.

@IdRatherBeTalkingTudors I’ve not experienced this. All I can say is I am very sorry to hear that you had this experience and welcome to this life saving forum. This is a place where there is no judgement and buckets of support. Hugs to you. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

A passing phase? Love it! The reaction to your partner says much more about them than it does about him. I imagine he gives you absolutely tons of support. I imagine there’s a lot of silent rage that you have an ally.

@SamAndAnnieI do use the car for shopping once a week, that's about it and tbh I could manage that without it. However she did pay for half of the car and supposedly is giving me money towards running it, but changes the amount when it suits her. Sometimes she pays for half a tank of petrol. It's just been costing me a fortune to maintain recently as it's now 14 years old and things keep going wrong. I've run up debt because of repairs and can't afford a new one. If I sold it I'd get very little for it and would have to give her half I guess.

i agree. It’s totally my Mum’s choice.

The massive issue is finances and the way my dad set up a trust around the house. She is cash poor and asset rich. Actually, I don’t think it is a massive issue - issues can be sorted with the application of a solicitor - it’s about what my mum wants and what keeps her safe. I’m the pragmatist in all of this.

I’d like to think that my brothers are in denial and it not being about money.

Trouble is one of them has always been money conscious and I think he’s calling the shots. I’m livid with him for being a mercenary twat and the other one for being a flake.

it would seem that my standard of living doesn’t matter a jot. WTAF. 😳

I emailed them both yesterday with admin tasks and a request to do a hospital appointment on 2 June.

No reply. I’m giving them until Saturday to reply.

Then I will go nuclear and say I’m not doing anything on this list.

Sort it out or YOU explain to mum why you can’t.

thank god I have this forum, my pals (dark humoured WhatsApp chats, ChatGPT manipulated images of a childish nature etc), who know my brothers (I come from a small village) and my family, and my mum’s wine cellar. 🍷 *

I’m flying to the highlands tomorrow to sort out some family stuff on Mr Monkey’s side. I am simply going to walk on the beach, eat and drink and chill until I fly back on Monday.

*I may, over the course of the past 10 days, have drank all of my Project Manager When It Suits Him brother’s selection of Awatere River AR Sauvignon Blanc 2024 that he’d stocked up on.

I’m now working through some boutique craft ales that are the little bro’s faves.

Ooops.

Like I’m 15, I’ve stashed some top class vino in a seldom visited corner of the house and the pals and I are planning a party in the woods in a couple of weeks time.

We are all in our 50s. A mix of divorcees and sandwich generation women.

We don’t want boys there.

Tudors maybe, I'm still sketchy on what counts tbh. One day I might look into it all but right now I'm getting on with my life. I'm not unscathed by all the things my parents did but I'm where I'm at and I don't want to spend the rest of my life picking over it all. It's enough for me to know my childhood was abusive and certain things shouldn't have happened without having to separate out all the details of which action was which type of abuse. There's so much about my FOO dynamics that has me thinking WTH about all kinds of things from everyday occurrences and the lies that formed my basic beliefs about how life was in general for everyone, to bigger things, to the in-jokes. I just wanted to put it all behind me once I realised. You can't heal when you're in the thick of it.

monkey 🤣 I'm loving the alcohol revenge. If they complain you can say they drove you to it! And you couldn't afford to buy your own... Make sure you hide your own supplies well!
It's mysoginy I expect. You and your mum come second to your brother's wishes because you're female. They're both holding their boundaries in their own way, including Mr silently flaky, to try to force you to give in.
It's a ridiculous situation. Your mum needs 24/7 care on hand if she can't call on family at a moment's notice for essential stuff, so sheltered housing makes perfect sense since you're all working full time and nobody lives in the same town.
Just so you know, she should have had carers put in place prior to discharge from hospital. They often have to do temporary care packages while people who live alone recover.

@formalwellies a lot of what you said about your DH vs your family I can relate to as well. I pulled away from my family years ago when I met my DH. I really needed to stop drinking and I loved that he didn’t drink and wouldn’t encourage me to drink. They thought he was “judgemental” and “up himself”. He’s not, and luckily I ignored them because he’s genuinely supportive and I haven’t abused alcohol since. Their issues with him have caused some horrendous arguments over the years and he’s been (rightly) NC with them for the last year.

@IdRatherBeTalkingTudors I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. Someone I knew as a teenager was sexually abused by his mum. I think its much more uncommon than male relatives, but of
course it’s hard to say the true numbers of anything like that.

It’s just terrible what people are capable of doing to innocent children they are supposed to protect.

THANK YOU.

It’s TOTAL misogyny and it really is a case of who blinks first.

I’m laughing in my teenage bedroom (with a glass of wine) - I’ve actually started reading Anne of Green Gables - as I’ve just heard my aunt on the phone squealing with delight to Mummy Monkey that Corporate Brother is coming for…checks notes… four whole nights. I’ve been here for TWENTY ONE nights and to get all the care stuff sorted out it may be THIRTY FOUR.

I don’t drive. The nearest bus route is a mile walk away, runs on a very limited basis for five days a week, is CANCELLED as there are some bloody cables being dug up. 😂

I treated myself to a wander around the nearest market town yesterday by way of £30 in taxis (but I did get box fresh Converse in a charity shop for a tenner so not all bad)

The wine in the wine bar I set up shop in with my copy of Vogue was shit and not a patch on the stuff here BUT TO BE OUT OF THE HOUSE. There were somE actual people not wearing wellingtons and fleeces. Full disclosure: I have wellingtons (just one pair) and a fleece.

That’s really helpful re hospital and care. ❤️

Luckily, my Mum’s appointment is a day long one, but someone needs to go with her.

And like ALL the women I know, apart from the ones dropped on their heads as babes in arms, I plan. I’m getting a care package in place NOW so if my mum needs it ramped up at whatever point that can be sorted.

So funny, it’s so FREAKING FREUDIAN that I nearly typed I can sort it.

The patriarchy is so fucking deep, it’s scary.

@ManchesterMonkey I applaud your drink related minor acts of revenge! And your level headedness in giving your brothers the list of things that need to be done- I hope they surprise you and step up. Don't let the flakey little brother use that as an excuse not to do anything. GB2 has done this since childhood and still getting away with it now-it just seems to be accepted that it's not his fault he 'forgets' to do things or gets them wrong so he's not asked to do anything important. His partner lets him off the hook too- funnily enough he manages perfectly well when it's something he really wants.
On that note, I am currently standing my ground about a blood test DM has next week. It's a very quick appointment at the Drs 5 mins drive (if that) from where she and GB2 are, and on GB2s day off work when his child is at school. So I have made it clear I won't be taking her and GB2 has to do it (or make other arrangements). I know that GB2 likes to spend his weekday day off sitting in his dressing gown watching TV so he really expects me to spend the best part of a day traveling over to deal with the appointment. Apparently as he has a small child, he can never have a lie in or a lazy day at the weekend so he 'needs' this time. I assume I can't understand this because as a self employed woman I don't really work (and the years I spent commuting 5 days a week when mine were very small don't count because...reasons) and my two DC somehow materialised as fully independent young adults. I have written the appointment time and date down for him and reminded him and DM several times but each time he acts like he thought it was a different day, or that I said I'd take her. I will keep reminding him - if she misses it, it's not the end of the world but he will have to deal with rearranging it (I have told him this).
I have also given GB2 the dates that my family will be on holiday over the Summer so that he knows I will not be available for DM then. He has informed me that if I want to go ahead with this I will need to commit to a week away with his family and DM. Telling him that I will do what I don't need his permission and won't be going away with him has not gone down well. He wants this so that we can 'share the childcare' and allow him and his partner some child free time as well as to let his child get to know us better so he would be happy to stay with us afterwards! His attempt to guilt trip me is that as an older parent he is more likely to become unwell or even die before his child is an adult so, since our parents can't help now, I need to step up. I've pointed out that I am actually older than him, he has a younger partner and could do a lot to reduce this risk (stopping smoking, eating a few vegetables, doing some exercise) but apparently that makes me selfish and uncaring.

This has all reminded me why I blocked him on my phone and don't usually have any direct communication with him. He is now re-blocked so I don't get the inevitable rants when he realises that I won't back down and do the appointment/go on the holiday from hell. The holiday thing really baffles me- we are just about civil to each other at best, he claims to think DH and I are awful people, we have never socialised together much less spend extended periods together- so even if it would mean free childcare I really can't see how he thinks this would be anything other than a nightmare for all. Unless of course that's the point- I can either be the selfish uncaring one for refusing a lovely family break or the selfish uncaring one who made the lovely family break unpleasant by selfishly refusing to do all the work and be treated like dirt.

Wellies I've met so many men like your GB2 and Monkey's Corporate Brother. There's a certain type of middle aged man, used to being in an office job (more important than a manual job, obvs) and has spent so long as a manager of some kind that they've forgotten (if they ever knew) that all women they've ever met aren't their personal secretary on call 24/7 and subordinate to them. It's quite funny the looks on their faces when you don't act like their secretary, refuse to take direction from them, or agree with them, or do what they want. The way they repeat themselves over and over with increasing impatience as if all they have to do is ask with sufficient authority and you'll surely capitulate 😂, the slow dawning realisation that you're not going to and their rage at the bare faced cheek of you not falling into line with the service role they chose for you in life. Make sure you tell him that if he rearranged the appointment he's also going to have to take time off work to attend it with your mother. Otherwise you know that'll be his next thing - you didn't tell him that, so he's rearranged it and can't do it so you'll have to.

@SamAndAnnie You make a very good point about rearranging the appointment. I will be sure to state that very clearly when I send him the final reminder. You are quite right about GB2 thinking all women (and to be fair quite a few men) are there to serve him and just need to be reminded of their place. The funny thing is, although he considers himself to be incredibly intelligent GB2 has never had anything other than an entry level job. He has, however, until recently always had my parents to act as his support humans 24/7 and is beyond infuriated that I refuse to recognise it as my natural obligation to step in to the role. I think this is part of the reason he's digging his heels in about Mum not going in to a care home/sheltered housing/having paid carers. Following his logic, he's Very Clever, knows best and wants Mum to be cared for by family so I should do as he says and look after her. Whilst I am doing that, because anything I do for her is quick and easy, I can also step in to Mum's role as free childcare for him. His approach to life so far has been to do exactly what he pleases without any thought for future consequences or other people then when it all gets a bit difficult someone else will come and make it all OK. So he's pushing ahead with refusing to consider any other care options and fully expecting that when he gets fed up I will 'have to' step in and take over, following his plans. It won't happen but I can see that he won't face that until there is a real crisis.

@formalwellies you are so right regarding ‘not being able to do something, so no one will ask me’ (I think I’m very guilty of this regarding DIY!) with my baby bro. The thing that irritates me is him just answering questions or asks. GRRRRR.

Your brother is off the scale ENTITLED. I’m spellbound by him demanding that you HOLIDAY with him so he gets free childcare. Words fail me!

I’ve really enjoyed those bottles of Sauvignon. 😂

What infuriates me regarding Corporate Golden Boy is that he’s very much of a feminist mindset. He champions women at work, supports his wife in her career and her supports, supports his three teenage girls in what they want to do and be (let’s be frank, it doesn’t make him special that he does this, but it’s less typical than it should be) and yet there’s this blind spot. ME.

That does sound infuriating and all you can do is stand your ground monkey, you've done so much already and you've only been able to do that because you don't have a boss who can fire you, but it's still cost you in lost earnings/customers. It's time they both stepped up now.

I wouldn't necessarily go back immediately after the four days one of the others is staying. If he wants to return to his normal life he can arrange carers and pay for them for a few weeks while your mum recovers a bit, yes it'll cost, but it's his turn honestly. Sounds like you need to make up for lost time with work for a bit.

The other brother is really having solid boundaries, which you need to do too. He's looking at messages and if there's not a direct question asked of him, he's thinking ok not my circus not my monkeys and not replying, only replying out of politeness when directly asked. So stop being so nice to him and ask directly a lot more often. You're not being unreasonable in expecting decent supportive behaviour from him, but you're going to have to play his game, because he's not going to voluntarily play yours.

The only thing to watch is that anything care wise that's ongoing that is being paid for, social services won't take it over. They only have to meet unmet needs, if someone else is meeting those needs either by doing it themselves or paying someone else to do it, then the need is met and there's nothing for social services to do. So time things to finish before her assessment for ongoing care occurs. Unless she's completely self-funding (care is means-tested), then social services would only be organising it and she'd be paying for it all anyway. Don't worry about them offering an insufficient package, they seem to need to see it fail before they can justify providing anything more. The care plan assessment isn't a one time event. It's renewed each year and it can be adjusted in the interim too.

Also monkey, you're so used to dealing with Mr Monkey's narcissistic family, don't accidentally create/encourage similar in your own FOO. Your mum sounded like she's fully compos mentis so don't take over all responsibility for her, expect her to take responsibility for herself. Otherwise you place yourself at the centre of things for your brother's to hate, whilst the three of them all get to maintain a stress free cozy relationship and you're run ragged as carer.

I'd be looking at that list, telling your mum you can't do any of it and not taking any bullshit from her about how big and important your brother's/their jobs are or how yours doesn't matter so much because you're female. Decide what jobs you think they could each do best, tell your mum to call them and ask for their help herself, making it crystal clear that when they inevitably say "can't monkey do it" that no you definitely can't. Let it be awkward for the three of them. Why should they all have it rosy whilst you try to juggle everything and everyone's unreasonable expectations?

I haven't seen my mum now for 11 days. Such a relief. However I'm full of guilt. I've written down everything that annoys me about her. I can't find anything she's really done wrong apart from being a bit useless which she has admitted too. I told her I wasn't feeling well and that I wouldn't be visiting or answering my phone. She'll expect me again this week, I'm sure. I don't know what to do. I don't want to go .. possibly ever again. But I'm not sure she deserves that. Also the thought of her complaining to her friends about her daughter who never visits is upsetting, although they're not my friends and I won't see them if I'm not there. She's judgemental of her friends' relatives who don't visit. She's judgemental about a lot of things actually! I can't have having a conversation with her about how I feel. I do think I've been made to feel guilty most of my life for not visiting or ringing enough.

How have others dealt with a similar situation?

Do you think your mother feels at all guilty for how she has treated you, I doubt that very much. It can also take the simplest or banal of things done to you to finally decide on a no contact stance. That is also not done without much soul searching and the hope for change or saying sorry being finally extinguished . You have had relief these past 11 days and it’s no time at all in terms of no contact.

You feel guilt because you are a reasonable person but you cannot reason with someone like your mother who remains dysfunctional and toxic to be around. Enjoy the peace and ignore the flying monkeys she will send in to do her bidding for her. These people do not have your interests at heart nor want to hear your side of things so their opinion should be ignored.

@catshatsandchats my mum is very much like this. I moved a couple of towns over when I was in my early 20s, for work and because rent was cheaper and she acted like I had abandoned her. I thought she had been trying to push me to move out because of how constantly she criticised everything I did. Then when I left it was “my baby’s leaving me, she doesn’t care”. Apparently it was a huge shock even though I’d been talking about it for a year and she had made some sarcastic and unpleasant comments about it. I logically knew it was silly and I couldn’t live with her forever, but it was another thing that I felt bad about for years.

I haven’t seen my parents for just over two weeks. I would usually have made plans to see them by now but I still haven’t and am feeling the same as you. I don’t really want to go, but I know it will hurt them if I don’t go… I also wonder what she will be saying to her friends about my lack of contact. I think she might not saying anything though because she wouldn’t want to raise questions in other people’s minds about why I wouldn’t see her. My DH’s mum does it - she pretends she has a normal relationship with my DH when she barely even speaks to him on the phone.

Anyway, I am in the same boat so would also like to hear from others, but I think maybe the advice is just “cut contact” and that might be the only advice and it’s just that we don’t feel ready to do it?

@catshatsandchats could you tell her you’ve started some kind of group or activity on the day you would usually see her and so you won’t be able to go as often and taper it off? Or things like that? “Oh I can’t again this week as x friend has been in touch and said she can only do that day to meet up and I haven’t seen her in so long” etc. I don’t know if that would make it easier for you? Honesty is pointless with these people, I’ve realised so just doing what makes it easier for you would be my advice.

I think the same tbh. She won't tell anyone because she'll be worried what they might think about her! It's all about keeping up appearances.

I also moved away when I was young and used to get told when I had to ring them, every week on Sunday, regardless whether it suited me.

I'm so angry about many many little things, but can't put my finger on anything big enough to warrant not seeing her.

I think I put all the little things together into a big pattern and saw it then once I’d done that as a big problem. If that makes sense? Before recently, it was all little things over the years, sprinkled across a generally nice seeming person. But now, it’s like - ohhhhh, that’s what was wrong the whole time, underlying everything. A general lack of actual caring and just facade of caring. It is a real problem, and not just “little things” - it’s the little things that give you a glimpse into their true nature, I think.

She wouldn't accept that, at least not regularly. She'd be upset and cry and tell me I never think about her, all things that she's done in the past. At the very least she'd expect me to go on a different day.

I'm going to have a long think about how I can handle this. I know I'm being a coward, but she'd never accept she's done anything wrong so no point in telling the truth.