MARCH 2026 - Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

have now set up a new thread as the previous one is now full.
This long runnning thread has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.
The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!
One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;
'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'
Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.
Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.
NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.
You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.
'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
I started with this book and found it really useful.
Here are some excerpts:
"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.
Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.
Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:
"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.
YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".
"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.
YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".
"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."
"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"
"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."
"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."
Helpful Websites
Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat for details.
Some books:
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa
This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:
"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."
6

@ManchesterMonkey It sounds like you're having a really tough time. Has MM had more peace since blocking Twat? It took me a very long time, and some horrible encounters, to decide to block GB2 but it was the best thing I could have done. I had a couple of weeks of wondering how he would react, whether he'd turn up at my home enraged etc but it's only now that I'm realising how on edge I was knowing that any time the phone rang or I received a text alert it could have been him.
@Foodfumbles You are in the right place. We all get it. I can relate to your position, as I am currently battling with feelings of guilt and resentment over being expected to sacrifice myself to help care for my mum whilst Golden Boy sibling (GB2) encourages her to refuse any external care, won't accept that she has dementia, and constantly tells me what a selfish cow I am for not taking over mum's role as his safety net too. My advice is to tell your mum and your brother that you have been doing her personal care as a short term measure but now you all need to find a proper long term solution. You will help her apply for attendance allowance (assuming you're in the UK) and find carers but you have too many other commitments to keep doing this yourself. You are likely to be told what a nasty person you are, but it sounds like they already tell you that anyway. They may tell you to get out and stay away (mine did), so be prepared to do that at least for a while- it sounds like it would be a relief to have some space from them. Your mum is within her rights to refuse to accept outside carers, but you are also within your rights to refuse to be her carer instead. Since your mum needs this care and your brother can't/won't do it you have the upper hand for once. I've had to do similar with my DM and GB2- mum can't really manage alone now and they are adamant that she won't have carers or go in to a care home, so the expectation was that I would move her in with me. I've taken a step back and when they complain about how difficult it is for GB2 to manage doing 'everything' (he doesn't- I still do a lot of things) my response is 'that does sound hard, maybe now's the time to look at more sustainable options'. This is repeated every time. GB2 definitely hates me and complains about me constantly, but the feeling is mutual. I don't know what DM really feels about it all- her focus has always been on appearing to have the perfect, supportive family even if that meant denying/covering up/excusing some awful behaviour so for now she is pretending GB2 and I have just had a 'silly argument' and everything will be fine when I calm down a bit. I have to keep reminding myself that my children and myself have to be my priority.
If you want any tips or practical advice on how to manage a parent with care needs who won't accept paid help etc, the Cockroach Cafe threads (in Elderly Parents) are very good. It's a bit of a drop in like this thread, but largely full of 'bad daughters' trying to keep their sanity.

@formalwellies Thsnk you.

I’m really glad you’ve blocked him. You’ve taken the power back. Good for you. He must be LIVID. Tough.

I’m so impressed by how clear and steadfast you’re being.

When I was dealing with the Hag (toxic MIL - rest in hell) and we put in measures to exile her psycho orbit, I wasn’t always aware of the progress we were making to not capitulate to the witch. I read back my posts on a regular basis to be buoyed up by the beautiful and wise messages from the community here and to reflect on why we were making all the right decisions and how far we’d come. When you have a wobble, do that. It’s hugely cathartic.

Funnily enough, I was walking down half a mile on the country lane near my mum’s with Mr Monkey for him to get the once every two hours bus to the nearest town and its better transport links to get back to Manchester whilst I stay here on looking after mum duty, the phone rang and it was Twat Brother.

Mr Monkey didn’t pick up. It went to voice mail. He laughed.

But he did say “why does he ring on a Sunday?”

My hunch is that Twat Brother’s wife 2 is out of the house and their little girl, aged 8 or whatever, is there and primed ready to talk to “uncle monkey” in the same cynical manner that Twat Brother used his CHILD to try and draw my late BIL in to the renewed ‘happy family’. 🤣 it didn’t work. BIL’S estate has been left with Mr Monkey. BIL cut TB out and laughed about it,

We talked again about blocking on Friday evening and, although I don’t follow his logic AT ALL about not making it obvious that he’s blocked the twat, I’ve accepted that it’s (batshit) decision.

I expect a veritable deluge of friendship bracelets with “uncle monkey” made by an innocent 8 year old to be incoming via evri. If there’s one for “aunt monkey” I may have to go to Scotland to kick the fucking twat’s head in.

@Foodfumbles you will get brilliant wisdom from @formalwellies whose situation is remarkably similar. The abusive and exploitative arses must have a script.

@Foodfumbles - you might find it helpful to remind yourself that whatever you do will be wrong anyway, so you might as well please yourself. A big fat hard NO goes a long way, and you do not have to justify yourself or explain your decision.

I wouldn't even bother with the trying to organise carers etc. I mean what's the point? Draw a line in the sand and leave them to it. Have a stern word with yourself any time you find yourself feeling even slightly guilty. Guilt has absolutely no place in your life. Work on those rock-solid boundaries and pour boiling oil on anyone who tries to breach your fortress.

Food

They will put you in an early grave if you become her carer and you will suffer with both a bad back and carer burnout going forward. You should no longer be doing your mother's personal care; in a care home it requires two staff members with manual handing training to lift the patient.

Your mother was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she has not changed. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and your assigned role here is the scapegoat. This is also why your golden child brother is not expected to do anything re his mother because both see that as your job. It matters not a jot to them that you have a job and family life of your own. And it's not your job also because your mother refuses to have carers in.

Call Social Services and arrange for an initial needs assessment to be carried out and also inform that you will have nothing more to do with your mother in terms of her care. Cite your past abuses of you from her from childhood onwards and lay it on thick. Park the guilt and besides which she installed that button in you so it needs to be gone. Get therapy for your fear, obligation and guilt too.

Drop the rope here and make yourself completely unavailable to them going forward. You will likely be cut out of the will amongst other things but it is a small price to pay for both your sanity and physical health. Your family members and you come first now. Not them.

Do not JADE here ie justify, argue, defend or explain your decision to these narcissistic people in the shape of your mother and brother (he is likely to be a carbon copy of her personality wise).

Food

Is your dad still around?. I ask only as he is not mentioned at all.

He died almost 5 year ago.

Thank you for the new thread. I used the old ones as tbry but had to delete that account. I check back when I can but things have been very hard for the last year.

i am struggling quite a bit at the moment as my MH has plummeted. my adult DC is currently also signed off of work for stress and depression so I’m also worried about them which in turn makes me worse.

the only contact I currently have with family are phone calls with DM and occasionally text from my DF. It’s over 3 years since I have seen any family , I’m the one whose siblings decided to go NC with me.

I’m finding it all very hard and keep getting tearful as I would just like some sort of support and family. Easter has added to it as I’m on a family oriented housing estate so I see what everyone else is doing.

my DP and I are also going through a really bad patch due to his lack of communication or support.

I‘m so sorry, this is such a huge betrayal. She was not a good mother. She was a cruel mother.

I feel this too. I was always so jealous of friends who had actual mothers. Mothers who would care for them, lift them up, want to be with them, think of them…I suppose that’s called love.

My mum didn’t love me but I was lucky to have a close relationship with my dad. Mum now has dementia and today called me to mock me about how I would ‘pander’ to my dad, and all just so that he would give me money. This is how she is now. Accusing me of stealing from her, or only being kind so that she’ll send me money. I’ve never asked my parents for money in my life. I lost it with her today and said I want nothing to do with her, or her money anymore.

I’m not sure how to cope because every interaction with mum now reminds me. I have a very small family, and they all pander to her, or say they’d rather not get involved. I feel very alone in the world now my dad is gone. I’m having therapy and have now decided to go low contact with mum. I mostly don’t pick up when she calls anymore or respond to texts but I feel I can’t block her until she has a proper support network set up with carers etc, which is taking forever.

I fantasise about what I would tell her about who she is and her behaviour over the years.

@OneNewEaglei understand how you feel and I feel the same my dsis went nc with me around 3 years ago basically so she could financially abuse and coerce dm who I am now also nc with as dsis made it very difficult for me to see dm

its hard seeing close families and although I don’t want anything to do with dsis after everything she’s done I am sad we are in this position

it’s been particularly difficult recently with Mother’s Day dm birthday and dsis is now selling her house the money she was stealing and the equity release on dm house she used to make improvements that were not needed purely cosmetic to her house i presume the reason she is having to sell is because her interest only mortgage needs paying and she was relying on her inheritance to pay it and dm hasn’t died yet so this huge fall out family friends and dh cousin who is dsis best friend have taken her side not that I have been given the opportunity to explain my side seems pointless and the only people benefiting are the buyers

I also accidentally got an email meant for Dsis many years ago she used to use my email address from a debt collection agency confirmed her payment plan to pay the debt off when her sale goes through so despite everything helping herself to tens of thousands she’s clearly still up to her eyes in debt and in no better financial position

@sandyrose that's awful about your mum. And I'm sorry you lost your dad. It sounds like an impossible situation. I presume you never spoke to your mum directly about it before she got dementia?

I was never jealous as a child ( partly because I didn't really have much contact with other families, partly because I was told i was in the best family and all the other families were inferior). I never had a caring parent, grandparent, auntie, neighbour or anyone. Now I feel sad about that.

@junebugalice
That's great you've had such a change from therapy. Feeling the feelings is exactly what I'm talking about since my whole life they've been denied, minimised or made wrong. Unfortunately I've tried therapy lots of times and I've never really got to those feelings. I've had a lot of other trauma in my life too as I guess many of us have as a result of our upbringing.

@RustysQuilt I understand what you mean about sadness at what you missed out on. I feel it particularly around Xmas time/birthdays etc. Ever since being a fairly young teen I remember feeling uneasy/anxious/sad around these times but I'd never really understood why. My parents made it clear they thought our family was superior to all others and extended family/friends acted like they agreed (understandable when so much effort was put in to appearing to be the perfect family). Yet around these times when everyone else seemed to be excited and enjoying family celebrations/planning nice things I just wanted to hide until it was over. It's taken me years to work out that this is probably because my actual experience of these times was awful and stressful which made no sense given that all these 'lesser' families were enjoying the time and other people actually looked forward to it. I've realised that glimpses in to other people's families at these times showed me what I was missing. But then I felt disloyal feeling this way and knew I had to pretend that our family had a great time too, so I was anxious about what would actually happen and stressed about what I should say to look 'normal' when people asked about how my Xmas/birthday etc was.

I've also realised that what I missed out on wasn't necessarily some ideal of a 'perfect' family but one where I could talk about things that were happening in my life and actually be listened to rather than lectured on what I should do better or have someone try to take over and 'fix' things. Unfortunately this still happens with my family (despite me being in my 50s, perfectly capable and having limited contact with most of them). For example, I recently mentioned to DM that I have a summer holiday booked with DH and our (young adult) DC. When I mentioned the same thing to MIL she basically just said how lovely it sounded and she hoped we have a great time. DM complained that we should really be thinking of Golden Balls brother and arranging a holiday with his family to help look after his child, and anyway the location we've chosen is far too hot and we're being entirely irresponsible flying anywhere right now.

Just looking to vent a little. As you lovely people know, I have taken a big step back from my Mum and GB2 but still look after all Mum's medical appointments (including taking her to them) and anything vaguely 'admin' (effectively acting as a PA dealing with finances/household bills/monitoring and arranging any repairs or servicing/shopping/birthdays/letters and paperwork/applying for benefits etc). GB2 is proudly telling everyone that their long term solution involves his family moving in to DM's large house with her but keeping his small house for them to use too (he's always liked to have DMs house as a bolt hole, so now clearly just plans to use his home for that). I'm sure that anyone I speak to in real life will think this is a selfless and kind act from GB2 and his partner, and yesterday HCPs were gushing about what a wonderful thing intergenerational living is/how lucky DM is to have such a caring family etc. I've made it clear that I won't be mum's carer so on the face of it, it's nothing to do with me.
But the whole thing is making me feel very anxious. I know that sounds odd but it feels like the calm before the storm. It feels like this is the bit where everyone seems to be playing nice but I'm waiting for it all to go wrong and they will expect me to go in to pick up the pieces. I feel like it's just a matter of time before the next crisis when I may feel I need to step in to keep Mum safe but then the whole process of building boundaries will have to start again. In the short term, I think there will be an expectation that DH and I will take on the work involved in making DM's house suitable for more people (there is currently 'stuff' everywhere and they have a small child). In a normal family, I'd think this seemed quite reasonable- one child is going to care for the elderly parent so not a big ask of the other to help make this possible. When they are all living there, I know I'll still be expected to do everything for DM that I currently do. So their decision that DM won't have paid help continues to mean that I am spending the equivalent of several days a week dealing managing their home stuff and DM's many medical appointments. Again, I know the cry will be 'We care for her 24/7, why can't you just take her to the doctors occasionally and make a few phone calls!'.

Then of course I can see that the ultimate aim will be to persuade DM that her house is now their home, so only fair that it is left to them when she passes. In a normal family I'd say fair enough- if she moved to residential care the house would have been sold anyway so if they are willing to become her carers that's a small price to pay. But I feel angry that GB2 has caused nothing but misery for years, already taken so much of their energy and money and now expects me to prop up a situation where he gets even more. Plus, if/when DMs needs increase I'm sure I'll be expected to do more and definitely would be expected to make all the arrangements and sort out funds etc if she did need residential care/paid carers.
I know I'll find a way through it and I absolutely refuse to be dragged in to doing any more that I currently do- but it feels like I am in a particularly boring version of a horror film where I am the only one who can see that everything is about to go wrong and the fun new friends are actually monsters.

@formalwellies - are the basics covered off with your mother, like LPOA for health and finances, and her will?

It sounds like you're in a state of hyper-vigilance, anticipating what your GB2 is planning.

There is not much you can do about other's people's behaviours unless you are prepared to set a grenade off, call them out, and involve adult agencies and financial institutions on the basis of elder abuse (financial).

I've seen this up close twice now, and it's a bloody nightmare. In my case I walked away from the whole thing because the stress became intolerable.

@Sicario You're right, I am hyper-vigilant. I know really I should keep out of it and let them deal with any mess they create but from experience I know if/when there is a crisis I'll be expected to deal with it. Even if I refuse, I will have the stress of dealing with phone calls and pleas from them and the extended family. This is most likely to be mum declining suddenly and needing care they are not prepared to provide or quite possibly something going wrong between GB2 and his partner. The story will undoubtedly be that GB2 has dutifully looked after DM so far and now I need to step up and give him a break- leaving me to deal with it when everything gets tricky.

LPOA is in progress, but to be honest I am having doubts about that too. DM wants me to have sole LPOA. GB2 occasionally makes noise about how he should be 'in charge' but ultimately doesn't want to have any sort of official role or have to deal with organising anything (and any time he does he makes a mess of it). My concern is that that ties me to them formally, and GB2 will be using DM's bank card etc (with her permission) so it will be almost impossible to keep proper records. I don't know if that's an issue whilst she still has capacity. Her will is fine but I wouldn't be surprised if GB2 is hoping she might decide to change it. Currently everything is being split between the grandchildren but I'd be amazed if at some point there isn't a discussion along the lines of 'This house is my child's home and it will be upsetting if he loses you and has to move house as well. No one else looked after you like I did either, so it would only be fair if we kept the house.'

I truly don't know what GB2s partner really thinks about all this- but I'm sure she believes his story that I am a selfish cow who has always had everything easy and now won't even help out lovely old mum or offer them help with their child like a nice aunt would.

@formalwellies Can I suggest you work on a couple of things?

Firstly, practice not giving a shit about what other people might think of you. It doesn't come naturally, so it takes some discipline. It's important because you really can't do anything about people saying shitty things about you. They do it because they think it makes them look better, and because they need to control the narrative.

Secondly, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. You don't have to exercise your LPOA role even if you are an attorney. You can change you mind and say nope, not doing it. And you certainly don't have to and clear up any mess made by GB2. He's on a sticky wicket using her bank card for a start, even with her permission.

Quick recap:
Don't give a shit what any of them think of you.
Don't do anything you don't want to.

Free yourself.

@Sicario Thanks. I think I needed to hear that.

I'm a bit annoyed with myself too, as I've made a lot of progress towards freeing myself but it feels like with Dad's illness then mum being alone and frail I have allowed myself to be dragged back in.

I truly wish I had made a proper break from them all when our parents were younger and fitter rather than taking the slightly easier route of quietly reducing contact to avoid a big argument/upset. Over the last 18 months there have been so many situations where I've had to deal with unreasonable expectations, arguments/threats when I say no, accusations, upset, pleas etc from GB2, mum and extended family. Each time they act like me saying 'no' previously was a silly mistake that I'm sure to have learned from and the cycle starts afresh. I really don't want to go fully NC with them at this stage in mum's life but it really feels like I am being pushed towards this. Maybe this is what GB2 is hoping for? If I won't be manipulated in to being his support human perhaps his plan is to push me out so he can have mum's house/money? All I really want is to live my own life.

formal wellies

i fully concur with Sicario.

Drop the rope they hold out to you.

Reducing low contact further can also lead to no contact.

I would let them get on with it and when it does come crashing down around their ears I would not take their phone calls nor pleas.

The donor (your mother) can request their attorney can act solely but a p of a is set up with two people. TBH in your case I would not be involved with a power of attorney either. They can be problematic to use in healthy families let alone dysfunctional ones. It is a legal document that to my mind has been oversold and most members of the public do not realise or understand the responsibility signing such a document brings. Gb2 is indeed on a sticky wicket re they bank card too as it remains the property of the bank. Not that he cares anyway for you or mother. His interests are self serving.

Examine too why you do not want to go fully no contact with them. Is fog playing its part here?.

@AttilaTheMeerkat FOG is definitely a factor. And is certainly the reason I didn't cut contact completely years ago. I did go NC with GB1 and was treated very badly as a result. At the time I felt that my parents were great parents, but pushed to the limit by the behaviour of GB1 and GB2 so they redirected their anger/desire for control towards me (knowing that as 'the sensible one' I wouldn't hurt myself or anyone else as a result). I felt I had to be understanding and accept that, although GB1 and GB2 were responsible for their behaviour and my reaction to it, my stance had added to our parents' stress so I should do what I could to minimise this. As a result I put up with more than I should have from GB2 (on the basis that he was not as much of a threat as GB1), kept quiet in front of friends/extended family etc and didn't make a big deal of how I was being treated by our parents. I saw them as the real victims in it all- great parents dealing with a lot of problems and needing my support. It's taken me a long time, and having young adult children of my own that I would never treat that way, to realise the role that I was being expected to play and the way I was expected to always put myself last. Not to mention the real danger that I was encouraged to put myself in to protect/support/cover up for GB1 and GB2.

I think I still can't quite shake the feeling that I need to protect mum. Even though I have realised that she should have done a lot more to protect me (or at least supported me when I wanted to protect myself) I feel that it would be wrong to allow her to feel abandoned by me when she is already quite vulnerable now. I know this is in many ways a repeat of what has been happening all my life- they all treat me as badly if I won't comply but I feel guilty of I upset mum.

I'm not sure where I will go with this, but I am truly grateful that I have DH, my DC and MIL in my corner. DH is great at pointing out all that the people who may judge me if I don't do as they want have no real part in my life- they only ever contact me if they think I should be doing something so whatever they think of me it can make no difference to my life unless I allow it to. MIL doesn't know the full story but is the sort of person who will spot that I am a bit stressed and will send chocolate.

formal wellies

your guilt is misplaced and is really doing you no favours at all. Park the guilt!. Do you think your mother feels guilt - no not a bit of it. gb2 is incapable of feeling anything let alone guilt. And she in addition put that button in you. You’ve been trained and or otherwise conditioned from an early age into putting their needs first with your own dead last.

She would likely argue she does not need protecting from anybody let alone gb2. no one bothered to protect you at all and you are still very much mired in the fear obligation and guilt. Until you can find a way out from that you will remain stuck.

She is in thrall to her gb2 so I do not think you can protect her anyway. She is his muse to he being the Svengali. Also if he and his family members are planning on living in your mother’s house your own influence is minimal at best.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and those roles are not reassigned often if at all. It’s never too late however, to withdraw your services.

Your Dh, DC and MIL have your back in your real life circle and have your interests at heart. Gb2 does not have your interests at heart at all , only his own, and your mother is too easily influenced by him. We will cheer you on from the Stately Home.

Interesting development in Mr Monkey and his Toxic Brother / Golden Boy’s conversation re late brother’s estate left in its entirety to MM who is also the executor.

I want MM to block the twat, who’s only after money, but, ultimately, it’s MM’s decision. TB/GB has been putting in ‘caring’ calls to MM (laughable and meaningless as there are no offers of help regarding sorting the estate) and TB/GB has been bemoaning his lot e.g., hernia op, broken boiler, cost of living. MM is getting weekly calls. 😂

I’m at Mummy Monkey’s supporting her after an operation.

Mr Monkey got a call from TB/GB the other evening enquiring about late BIL’s pension.

It was local authority so a really good one. BIL hadn’t changed the person related to the pension to just Mr Monkey, so TWAT is still a beneficiary for half of what ever is outstanding on the pro rata pension to be paid.

I think the Twat thinks it’s death in servuce or a widow type pension. Dick.

Er, no, your grasping ways have blinded you to some simple facts e.g., you’re not a widow and you’re not a death in service beneficiary as BIL had retired due to very poor health about a decade ago, not that TWAT was in touch with his family or would known or given a shit.

He was sorely disappointed that the amount he’s getting is £560.23. 😂

He was spluttering away “but he was a well-paid civil servant”. Nah, we worked for a local council.

Absolutely hilarious. I get the feeling TWAT now realises that sole beneficiary means sole beneficiary and the only cash going his way is five hundred quid or so.

I think if he has gone to a lawyer with a copy of the will - I suspect he hasn’t as he can’t afford it - a lawyer has just said “forget it, mate.”

but soon this will be over and we never have to hear to him again.

The years of silence from TWAT from 2013 were BLISS. We didn’t have to hear his racism, lack of compassion for others and his boasting about how much money he had. The money has gone and he’s living on fuck all. I have NO sympathy!

@ManchesterMonkey I looked in to how blocking someone on your phone works before blocking GB2. On whatsapp they don't get any notification or message to say they are blocked- it just appears that the messages are not read but you never actually see what they attempted to send. On my phone, blocking texts and calls also doesn't send any message- texts just look unread and the phone just keeps ringing out. You can block and unblock as often as you wish and they will never know for sure. You may know this already- I had no idea. I initially agreed to block GB2 (at DHs suggestion) on the basis that I would block him when I was on my own and unblock when DH was around for support but quite quickly just left him blocked when I saw that it didn't make things worse as I feared, and stopped the anxiety every time I heard my phone ring or a message pop up. Do you think perhaps MM could be encouraged to try some temporary blocking (maybe when he's feeling vulnerable, or when you both want to do something nice without worrying about Twat calling and spoiling it)? I'm smiling imagining how you felt to be able to tell Twat that the big lifestyle changing payout he thought he had coming was only £500!

@AttilaTheMeerkat I know you are right. I think it's part of the joy of growing up in a dysfunctional family that we find it hard to allow ourselves to do what we know is in our own best interests. DH has reminded me how far I have actually come with this so I will keep those boundaries up and listen to him. Having this thread as a place to vent helps more than anyone who has not been through it could possibly appreciate.

@ManchesterMonkey - Firstly, very best wishes to you and speedy recovery to Mummy Monkey. Secondly, it's nice to use the word schadenfreude in regards to TWAT. What an arsehole.

@formalwellies - don't get me started on the Golden Bollocks Son Syndrome. What is it with mothers and their I-Bred-The-Perfect-Man shite?

@ everybody on Stately Homes - we could spend £560.23 down the pub on gin crisps and fags in a heartbeat.