Favourite person returned, but I’m in a committed relationship, what shall I do?

[PinkLipsticks]

This is very tricky and will make me seem like a bad person, but I really need some advice. I’m divorced in my 40s with teenage kids.

Throughout life I’ve had a male best friend who I’ve been extremely close to. We cared about each other as more than friends, but always decided not to go there. It was frightening, I suppose, because it would be real love. We had relationships, got married, now divorced. When our marriages were ending we tried it out and it was marvellous, however he said he wasn’t ready and really pulled back. That hurt me, though I understood: he was only just moving out, etc. We went no contact for a while, and I drew a line under it in my head to protect my feelings. I met someone else, a really lovely man who I’m now in a relationship with (for about a year and a bit).

However, my friend has now returned. He apologised for leaving, saying that the feelings were so deep it was a bit frightening to him. It’s very obvious we still love each other. I don’t know what to do. I’m in a very nice, committed relationship with someone I care about deeply. But my friend is the love of my life, we just match. It feels so dishonest and shallow to leave my relationship in which there are no problems, really unfair on my DP, as he’s done nothing wrong. I haven’t done anything yet, it’s just really troubling me. Does anyone have any advice? What is the best moral way to handle this?

How do you know they are ready now ?
How could they bear to be no contact with you for any length of time?
What are they offering you now?
Are you prepared to lose your safe loving happy relationship for one that has never flourished in all the time you have known each other and has no guarantee of flourishing now?
Do they just want you when you have someone else and lose interest when you are exclusively theirs like a spoilt brat ?

Nah. If he was that into you, and not a terrific coward he wouldn’t have hurt you, or stayed away for so long or risked losing you.

My thoughts are that the inconsistency from this man and the high stakes drama create something that is intoxicating.

I dont think people end things because they feel too much.

What would happen if you leave your relationship for him. He gets that massive ego boost and then 2 months later he pulls the same shizzle again?

I would go no contact with him again and go through the withdrawel symptoms. It's not
Easy when it's so full of drama and feels like double or quits.

This OP.

I dont think people end things because they feel too much.

And this OP. Such good responses already.

You have to separate the two problems

First is you current partner. You've only been with him a year and your having you head turned. Is it fair to continue a relationship with him if he is second best? Would he happy knowing he is second best or would resentment grow on both sides? And could you truly be happy if you stayed with him knowing you have these feelings? If answering yourself these questions and you decide to leave then only a year I assume your not living together, joint money etc and could be a easy split from a logistics view

The second issue is the old flame. Do you trust what he is saying? Taking the passion out. Can you see yourselves having a proper committed relationship. And that includes the boring bits that come with all relationships. The mundane normal . Not just the excitement.

You may need to consider that you may end up with no relationship. As either may not be suitable for you and there is another out .

For my penny's worth. I would not like to be strung along and second best. I also would be wary of this old flame "seeing the light" in case he was stringing me along. He would have a lot to prove

The fact that for years to start with you decided not to go there when you easily could’ve feels significant. And then when you did go there, he hurt you and left. Now you’re happy, he’s back and messing with that. It doesn’t sound like a good prospect to me. Seemed to work best when you didn’t go there, and if you resisted it successfully so long before and have even more reason to now knowing how he hurt you, then stick with the good guy and don’t let him devalue that.

I think you have over romanticised the situation with the old friend. You’ve known each other years and are so perfect together yet you both married other people. The stuff about being scared is a line men use when they don’t want to commit.

It’s coming across like you see him as the great love of your life and he sees you as someone he can pick up and put down whenever he likes.

real love is not frightening or something to run away from.. and even if that was the real reason… surely he will just do it again.

Don't go there he's flakey inconsistent and selfish. If he really cared about you. You'd be together. Probably only wants you because you're not available.

I agree he did not want to commit @Untailored. It was a mess. We’ve always lived in the same city even with our spouses who all met etc. Before we met those spouses, in our late 20s, he took me aside and said he’d always loved me and wanted us to be together. I was unable to do it and basically ghosted him on the issue.

A year after my marriage broke down he left his and turned up (unprompted by me) with the same message. His marriage had fallen apart naturally too. I like his ex, she’s a nice person.

Then, when the complexities of divorce logistics set in he panicked and said he wasn’t ready. Now he’s got it organised, he’s back. I think tbh there was wisdom in his approach, you’re meant to not rush in when you get divorced.

I don’t think ‘real love’ and ‘I’m not ready’ could ever both exist.

He's going to mess you about again, what if you leave your nice dp for him then he's still not ready? Tell him its too late and block him

You would think so wouldn’t you. But we both have family patterns that make this a more regular feeling: childhood abandonment/parent loss, neglect.

He isn’t as in to you as you are to him. Dont believe what he says. Hes shown what hes like by past actions. If you leave your relationship he will end up breaking your heart down the line. All the stuff about not giving it a go as it would be too real is a load of horse shit…..I suspect that originally came from him and you know believe it. He’s dumped you once already, he’ll do it again.

Well, has he done any work to overcome these issues and prevent them from recurring?
I also don’t believe anyone walks away when ‘feeling too much’. I think it’s an excuse not to commit.

It is possible to both be really attracted to each other and “love” each other but not work out as a relationship. Or even really want to be in one. Each of you has run away from the prospect of a real life relationship with the other at different times. There is a reason for that even if you don’t know what.

I had one a bit like this and when I finally agreed to go all in, he soon acted like a complete twat to get out of it. Was extremely painful and also mystifying. In the end I decided that it didn’t matter why he was behaving like this, the important thing was he’d been flaky and unkind.

For some people I think they don’t actually want to be in a relationship with someone they know and trust like a friend.

He couldn't commit to you but managed to marry someone else?

Call me jaded but this reads like a novel or TV drama.

We cared about each other as more than friends, but always decided not to go there. It was frightening, I suppose, because it would be real love.

Its giving vague "with love, Rosie" vibes.

What tosh. No one ever ran away because they loved someone and life was going too be tooooo nice

I love you sooo much I am going to stay in your life repeatedly hurting you and shagging other people because I don't even have the decency to own my decisions and leave you alone to heal and move on - what a prince.

Real enduring love isnt like this IMO. So much so I feel quite angry at the entertainment industry for feeding us all such bullshit.

You've had what? DECADES??? To be together and both you and he chose not to.

@BreadstickBurglar I’m sorry you had that, it must have been painful. It sounds like quite a good explanation, that some people don’t want to be in relationships with people they love and trust/know them inside out. Did he ever give more of an explanation?

I am taking on board the comments. It is so hard when I really am pining to be with him, to sit and talk and hug.

This relationship is marked by longing but not actually being together.

Have you ever actually been in a relationship together?
If so what age were you and for how long?
Have you had sex?
Why did you ghost him pre your first marriage?
Do you both have kids? What age?

You say you have familial issues. Yet you both have had decades long committed relationships and have built families. What isn’t working is that you both made a decision at various times NOT to commit to EACH OTHER.

Whatever happens I would suggest couples counselling before you even go there.

And your partner deserves to be first in your dating life. If not then be honorable and spare him from wasting more time on being second best.

Maybe think about why you weren’t able to do it when you were both single in your 20s. Can you remember your reasons?

You sound like you think you’re in a rom com. You both need to grow up. I don’t think you should stay with your DP as he deserves more respect. I honestly don’t care what you do about the other guy.

“It was frightening, I suppose, because it would be real love.” this is particularly stupid.

Then why on earth did you start a relationship with someone else?

However you look at it, it's not fair on your current partner that you are with him just because your "favourite person" was unavailable. Why not stay single?

I say this as someone who has experienced something with some similarities to what you've described. But I am honest with myself and just can't be with anyone else because I know it's not as good, it reminds me of missing him. (Unless - hopefully - someone I feel the same, or better, about comes along!)

I can see now that would have been the best thing to do @CostOfLoving. I don’t know if I’ve ever really learnt the idea of being over someone, as I’ve always had enough by the time relationships ended and the only person I’ve ever not wanted things to end with is him.