Favourite person returned, but I’m in a committed relationship, what shall I do?

[PinkLipsticks]

This is very tricky and will make me seem like a bad person, but I really need some advice. I’m divorced in my 40s with teenage kids.

Throughout life I’ve had a male best friend who I’ve been extremely close to. We cared about each other as more than friends, but always decided not to go there. It was frightening, I suppose, because it would be real love. We had relationships, got married, now divorced. When our marriages were ending we tried it out and it was marvellous, however he said he wasn’t ready and really pulled back. That hurt me, though I understood: he was only just moving out, etc. We went no contact for a while, and I drew a line under it in my head to protect my feelings. I met someone else, a really lovely man who I’m now in a relationship with (for about a year and a bit).

However, my friend has now returned. He apologised for leaving, saying that the feelings were so deep it was a bit frightening to him. It’s very obvious we still love each other. I don’t know what to do. I’m in a very nice, committed relationship with someone I care about deeply. But my friend is the love of my life, we just match. It feels so dishonest and shallow to leave my relationship in which there are no problems, really unfair on my DP, as he’s done nothing wrong. I haven’t done anything yet, it’s just really troubling me. Does anyone have any advice? What is the best moral way to handle this?

@PinkLipsticks if you really want him, go for it. I sometimes think about this because I completely adored my ex. However he was always flakey even though we were very happy. I think you have to think whether that relationship made you feel ok/happy as in my case, I was often anxious as I loved him so much and actually im sure it would have been this way if we stayed together. Is your guy flakey or does he just want you because you are with someone else? He married someone else too, that’s a huge thing.

He married someone else after I told him
I wouldn’t get together the first time around. They weren’t actually married, I was just using it to mean long relationship.

re. ‘Favourite person’ I’m sorry, I don’t know about either of those things, I was just using it completely literally. But now I’ve googled I’ll stop. No, I don’t have any disorders nor know about cute online terms.

Op I would suggest maybe the only way to go forward would be to meet with the old friend and talks things through. Maybe a bit corny but this could the solution for once and for all.
Good luck.

Grow up

This will be a deeply unpopular opinion.

I believe that men who say they're "scared of commitment" simply don't want to commit to you in particular.

They're usually quick to commit when they meet someone they actually want.

They're also usually pretty adept at using pop-psychology sound bites to manipulate situations.

Just an observation

I don’t think that’s an unpopular opinion.

I personally think you need to be on your own, work on your own self esteem, your confidence and independence rather than having everything revolve around a man.

"The feelings were so deep it was a bit frightening"

"It was frightening, I suppose, because it would be real love."

This is NOT a thing! This is something people say when they dont like each other enough to commit but want to keep the other one hanging on.

If you both got married, neither of you is scared of love or commitment. You literally married other people! One of you just isnt that into the other one.

Nobody is scared of liking or loving someone unless there is a huge barrier in the way that would make their love dangerous or impossible or painful. Theres literally no such thing as "I can't be with you because i love you too much", no. This just means "Wait around in case I need to come back to you in the future when i've tired of my other options."

100% agree.

Men who use this line always end up settling down and happily married when the right woman comes along.

Thanks everyone: I have blocked him.

In difficult situations, I ask myself - what would I regret more - staying and things not turning out well, or leaving and things going wrong?