Favourite person returned, but I’m in a committed relationship, what shall I do?

[PinkLipsticks]

This is very tricky and will make me seem like a bad person, but I really need some advice. I’m divorced in my 40s with teenage kids.

Throughout life I’ve had a male best friend who I’ve been extremely close to. We cared about each other as more than friends, but always decided not to go there. It was frightening, I suppose, because it would be real love. We had relationships, got married, now divorced. When our marriages were ending we tried it out and it was marvellous, however he said he wasn’t ready and really pulled back. That hurt me, though I understood: he was only just moving out, etc. We went no contact for a while, and I drew a line under it in my head to protect my feelings. I met someone else, a really lovely man who I’m now in a relationship with (for about a year and a bit).

However, my friend has now returned. He apologised for leaving, saying that the feelings were so deep it was a bit frightening to him. It’s very obvious we still love each other. I don’t know what to do. I’m in a very nice, committed relationship with someone I care about deeply. But my friend is the love of my life, we just match. It feels so dishonest and shallow to leave my relationship in which there are no problems, really unfair on my DP, as he’s done nothing wrong. I haven’t done anything yet, it’s just really troubling me. Does anyone have any advice? What is the best moral way to handle this?

But next time a stressful situation appears, he will behave in exactly the same way - bolt. You do realise this, don't you?
There are two ways people handle stress. Some lean in, others lean out. My rule is to never date someone who leans out.

then why was it a secret?

How can it be that you simultaneously "didn't take enough time", tried to "speed through the pain", and yet apparently were "very careful and deliberate"?

It sounds like you are not always honest with yourself, or don't know yourself that well.

@MummyJ36 I feel like I’ve been alone my whole life. I give all my time to the kids, much more than when I was married and my husband took up lots of my attention. Every evening I am there at 3 (juggling my ft job) to do clubs, homework, we spend all weekend and holidays together. My current DP comes over once a week, occasionally twice.

You are like a dolly in the toybox .

Hear me out .
You are something that he likes ( loves even ) and he knows where you always are , you are safely in the dark toy box waiting for him .

He can play outside in the real world , having fun in the shiny , bright world but when something happens or goes wrong he knows he always has his dolly he can pull out of the toybox and she will always be there waiting for him to get her out again .
He can tire of the dolly and back in the box she goes until the next time he needs her for awhile .

How many times are you prepared to be that dolly ?

She kicks him out and choses a guy who prioritised her.

Nobody just happens to be 'the love of your life'. The LOYL is a person you have a long term committed relationship with who over time becomes the most important person in your life (barring children). There are many many people with the potential to be that for each other if they are compatible, show love and support and make you happy.
You liked your friend very much and were in love with him, but you didn't have a relationship with its everyday ups and downs to test whether he really was compatible and supportive. Nor did he make you happy.
Of course, that could change and he could grow into the LOYL, but so could your current partner, or some guy you've never met yet.
If you want to end your relationship and give it ago, that's entirely up to you. But do it clear headed with a realistic idea of what your life would look like overall if you swap your partner for your friend, rather than a romanticised idea that your friend is your soul mate or something.

Im sorry but it really sounds like this guy doesn't want you as his partner.
He likes you as his worshipper, his massive ego boost, the one who will always come running when he snaps his fingers.

Some people just love to know they have someone pining for them so they toss them breadcrumbs, sing the whole right gal wrong time blues shite, anything that keeps them hanging on in there.

Years can go by and they'll need a boost so theyll see if their fan will still blow up their life for the fantasy of them.

It's a very cruel and selfish way to treat someone and you don’t deserve it.

The scales fall from Kate Winslet's eyes and she realises she will always be Rufus Sewell's bit on the side.
He suggests that they have a relationship but Kate will be his mistress, he still intends to marry his fiancé.

Kate realises that Jack Black is the decent man and relationship she's been looking for.

Your friend sounds manipulative. I would bet my house that if your leave your new relationship for him, he will be gone within weeks.

You're his safe bet, he knows he can have you whenever he wants to. But he has no qualms about dropping you either.

Hes dumped you twice, dont make it 3 times.
Bin him off and stay with the one who really cares for you

Good rule @Catza. How did you get to be so confident like this? Was it good parenting?

@godmum56 I mean she’d had an affair. It was secret because I didn’t want to tell her, since we’d all known each other I felt ashamed for being unsisterhoodly.

@CostOfLoving I took it carefully with my current DP by carefully getting to know him before jumping in. And even now we’re not blended at all— I’m cautious in nature.

Rufus is a fucking tit...which Kate finally wakes up to... but has eroded kates self esteem to the point jack black seems like a good idea....

Sorry but I agree with this. If it really was this great love, this true connection, it wouldn’t be this hard to get it together and it wouldn’t have crumbled because, what, he was a bit stressed.
To be quite honest, your feelings about him seemed based on a romantic view of the past, saying how he used to walk you home when you were teenagers like it’s something worth mentioning when you’re so many years down the line. All very rose tinted and star crossed etc… but it’s not, not really.
You could throw yourself into this again, get your hopes up that this time will be different… but I don’t think it will be.

honest opinion, don't be an absolute mug. And don't feel flattered. All this perfect love nonsense, that's fine when you're a teen in the first flush of youth, but you're both grown ups and need to be a bit more adult about this.

If he loved you that much you'd be together now. Him crawling back probably on the rebound and flattering you into thinking you're the one, is utter bollox. Your actual partner is there for you and is the person you should be prioritising not this flakey Joe who can't make up his mind

It sounds like you do a lot for your children, I didn’t mean to imply that you weren’t giving them enough attention. What I meant more was that you may have felt alone all your life, but when you’re feeling this level of emotional turmoil in relationships there is a lot to be said for taking relationships out of the equation and genuinely concentrating on yourself. It’s very hard to know what you really want when you’re juggling a relationship with kids and work. I honestly don’t believe the answer to your loneliness at this moment in time is getting back together with your old flame / best friend. You need genuine time to yourself to figure out who you are and what you want before jumping into something else.

It sounds like he isn't really that into you. Men are pretty straightforward creatures. If they want to be with someone they find a way. He left you because he was frightened of his feelings?! I don't believe that. It was more because he was not sure.

Again, this sounds exactly like what my friend experienced. He was a kind, supportive friend to her for 10 years before they got together. That was why she was so sure it would all work out.

I can see why you really want this to work. Of course it feels like the holy grail to find someone who are very physically attracted to you and whose personality you like. But his past record doesn't bode well for the longevity of a relationship with him. If he runs away when he "feels too much", how will you ever feel secure with him?

I'm interested in your childhood OP. What were your parents like, what was your emotional role in the family, did you feel you had to "fix" things or be perfect, were you good at setting your own boundaries?

You say yourself that your current partner is a good man and you are very happy with him. There is your answer.

If you were meant to be with your friend you would be with him right now. The ‘obstacles’ you see as having got in your way were not obstacles, it was life. And life would get in the way again because this man doesn’t know what he wants. He might talk the talk but his actions say something different.

Measure people by their actions not their words. Words are cheap.

I can't imagine being deeply in love with someone I'd known ages, and then buggering off and enduring a period of no contact. It does sound like you both rushed into "trying" being together while still either in but at the end of marriages or just out of marriages, which was way too soon and would have muddied the waters mentally and emotionally. You both should have waited and been single friends for a while after marriage to draw a line under them then get together.

However, it does sound like you guys would have been close friends before you even got married? It's unusual to feel so strongly and not get together for fear of it, then marry other people! I married my best friend (were flat mates and just clicked so intensely and he's literally my other half) so can't imagine not following up those feelings. Unless I've got the timeliness wrong and you met while you guys were in relationships so couldn't act?

It sounds like it won't end well just from what you've written, but the man you're with now shouldn't be someone you're with because you can't be with the right guy, do you love the man you're with now?

Hi OP. I’m so glad I’ve seen this today!

Strangely enough, I wrote on here a years ago, something very similar and had a lot of harsh comments too. People who don’t think like you or been in a situation like this won’t get it. And it’ll appear very black and white for them. But now I’m on the other side, I totally get where they were coming from and deep down I knew what they were saying was right in some sense but was too blinded by fantasy to really take it in.

As a neurodivergent person myself, it’s very typical of us to get into our own mind and create a world that doesn’t exist no matter how real it feels. Sometimes this is to escape what is truly going on under the surface.

As i’ve said I have been through something really similar - I was in a happy relationship but still couldn’t stop thinking about someone else. It took me a while to realise it wasn’t actually him I wanted, it was the feeling and the fantasy around him. Once I saw that, it all started to make more sense. It was a trauma bond of the highs and the lows. It was like a drug! Very addictive and very dangerous.

Once you start seeing it for the fantasy that it is in your head, it becomes easier. It’s not real life. You’ve built up inside your mind what it would be like, what you’d be like together now, I can imagine how your brain has been fantasising but it’s all based upon fabrication of your mind and not reality. Because he did leave you and would someone who is perfect for you really do that?

I feel for you, being trapped in your own mind can be horrendous. Speak to your therapist about why you feel like you want to go back to someone who has already left you once. Explore into why you’re attracted to people like that. You’ll find answers & then can work on them. Be that, with your current dp or alone but I would suggest going no contact with your ex. It only leads to more upset, more confusion, and more sadness.

You’re not a bad person OP. Please get help, and don’t hurt your current DP and yourself by carrying this on.

It’s Sense and Sensibility (Jane Austen). She finds out he’s actually engaged to someone else who has more money and she is utterly devastated. Eventually nursed back to health and marries kind, steadfast, less exciting older guy (Alan Rickman in the movie fwiw)

I had similar and made the same decision.
The flaky man is still single and occasionally sends me a text with a meme or something using his petname for me. I am friendly if Isee him but do no longer have any feelings for him.

Before we met those spouses, in our late 20s, he took me aside and said he’d always loved me and wanted us to be together. I was unable to do it and basically ghosted him on the issue.

You both have a history of running away from each other even when there are no obstacles. It won't work.

I think it is coming across that Friend is a player and I am an admirer. No, I haven’t seen the film but the dynamic had been much more that I was quite popular/ confident and he was excruciatingly shy and had no admirers. He’s had two ltrs with very sweet ‘earthy’ women and no other experience (granted the most recent of whom had an emotional affair, but only once things were on the final rocks). Our mutual friends would be extremely surprised I’d consider going out with him, though they all know he was a long time admirer of mine.