Favourite person returned, but I’m in a committed relationship, what shall I do?

[PinkLipsticks]

This is very tricky and will make me seem like a bad person, but I really need some advice. I’m divorced in my 40s with teenage kids.

Throughout life I’ve had a male best friend who I’ve been extremely close to. We cared about each other as more than friends, but always decided not to go there. It was frightening, I suppose, because it would be real love. We had relationships, got married, now divorced. When our marriages were ending we tried it out and it was marvellous, however he said he wasn’t ready and really pulled back. That hurt me, though I understood: he was only just moving out, etc. We went no contact for a while, and I drew a line under it in my head to protect my feelings. I met someone else, a really lovely man who I’m now in a relationship with (for about a year and a bit).

However, my friend has now returned. He apologised for leaving, saying that the feelings were so deep it was a bit frightening to him. It’s very obvious we still love each other. I don’t know what to do. I’m in a very nice, committed relationship with someone I care about deeply. But my friend is the love of my life, we just match. It feels so dishonest and shallow to leave my relationship in which there are no problems, really unfair on my DP, as he’s done nothing wrong. I haven’t done anything yet, it’s just really troubling me. Does anyone have any advice? What is the best moral way to handle this?

Op, sorry, I was looking at an old version of the thread and didn't see all your posts. I realise that you already addressed many of the things I said/asked. Apologies.
You sound like youre reflecting a lot, which is great. I know how hard it can be. Try to be strong and stay with your DP. Good men are hard to find. 💐

I'd be concerned given past behaviour/childhood issues that he has an insecure attachment style. The fact that he's back when you're in a happy place is quite telling. I wouldn't want to risk being with him unless he'd had therapy to recognise and work on that. Even then it's a huge risk.

For what it's worth I don't think that we have "one true love", nor do I the best love involves dramatic highs and lows. Far better is daily happiness and reliability

I dont mean this harshly but he cant admire you that much if he dumped you.

No, my parents were a bit rubbish. Dad was an abusive alcoholic and mum, while doing absolutely everything to keep us afloat, had little time and energy for affection. The reason I am so confident and, dare I say - ruthless - is because I had too many goes on merry-go-round with tossers. I finally had enough, had some therapy, stayed single for a year to really look at my unhelpful patterns in a relationship and only then went back to dating. So I have some basic rules that everyone knows but rarely applies:

• actions speak louder than words
• ask "how do they make me feel" not "how do I feel about them"
• the Jane Fonda quote "Every woman needs to feel three things on a relationship - safe, seen and cherished"
• "A person who doesn't choose me, has no value for me"

So I always check my relationships against these - do I feel safe, seen and cherished? Do they show up consistently? Do they make me feel good about myself when I am with them? Do they choose me every day?

That combined with my minimum acceptable standard of honesty, consistent communication and accountability rules out about 99% of people I consider for dating. And good riddance.

@PinkLipsticks
No one is being harsh, they can see how this relationship looks from the outside

Having a childhood BF who you romanticise is a classic trauma response
They are the " safe" person because its not a real adult relationship which is based on enduring love and growing together.
Its a retreat back to old habits which feel familiar and safe and the idea he loves you do much his feelings overwhelm him is nonsense based on a fairytale idea of true love.

Its classic avoidant attachment behaviour on his part, every time he runs/ comes back you get hooked on the dopamine rush and excitement.
Its a type of abuse

Stick with your safe, nice man and dont blow up your life

Your 'friend' has shown you that when things get difficult, he bails. This thing you've built up is a fairytale and at least one of you knows that subconsciously, or you'd be together. You're in love with the dream of it.

If you're even considering this man, you are not committed to your current partner and I'd question whether you're ready for a proper relationship if you're being lured off into dreamland.

Be really careful OP - I think what you have with favourite person is absolutely not "real love" but more an intoxicating mix of what could have been and 'the one" that got away etc" - creating a yearning. Similar to limerence - it's a heady feeling, almost irresistible.
I think this favourite friend has a traumatic past which has damaged his ability to form stable bonds - sadly there are many men like this, their relationships never last, but they are often v intense, personable & charming - so women fall for them.
I don't think it's too likely you will end up walking into the sunset with favourite friend - far more likely that he will string you along for another passionate affair, then run away again. This is a type of man who doesn't do "stable" - he does passionate flings that "verge on affairs" - then runs away. I'm not a betting woman, but I would bet a lot of money that he will hurt you again.

That’s great @catza, so impressive.

I think what happened between us was, for Old Friend, a version of the thing you see a lot on here where someone gets involved soon after a breakup, is overwhelmed, and posters say break if off, if they really are your person they’ll wait for you to sort yourself out.

Leave your partner as a start.

Horrible for him to unknowingly be in a relationship with a third person influencing things

He’s avoidant. He enjoys orbiting you and expects you to respond.

Don’t go there OP! You are setting yourself up for more heartache.

He’s a self-interested coward and deeply flawed emotionally. Well balanced people don’t leave the person they love because the emotions become too much. That’s a pile of shit.

Avoid, he should come with a hazard warning!! ⚠️

All too dramatic.

This seems significant to me. Is the current situation causing strong feelings between you and your favourite because of unresolved issues on both parts? I also wonder - where your current partner is concerned - if because he doesn't tap into these old feelings (wounds) if he feels a tad dull by comparison, when in reality maybe you just aren't used to experiencing what 'healthy' feels like (sorry for the quotes, I just hate that word!).

From reading your responses, OP, you seem to already have made up your mind to be with this guy and are just looking for everyone to say it’s okay.

I agree with a PP that you seem to think you’re in a rom-com. Not sure why you bothered posting, really.

Please end things with your DP, though. He deserves better than this teenage nonsense.

But that's what you think. What does he think?
Did he take any accountability? Did he say "I realised that I have not treated you well and I see how much I hurt you. I am very sorry about that. Here are the things that I have done to work through my issues and here are the things I am going to do going forward to make sure this never happens again"?
Because anything other than that is unacceptable.

I'm reading this thread with interest OP. I am in almost the exact same situation although less far along in the cycle. I've called things off but only because he couldn"t commit - although wouldn't walk away. I've been reading lots about trauma bonds and intermittment reinforcement, plus how my childhood trauma plays into this. This relationship has almost destroyed me. My advice is not to go back. I hope I can follow the same advice. What feels like fate and 'real love' is far from it - real love is comforting and deeper - what we're both addicted to is chemicals.

If you were to break up with your current partner to be with your favourite person, do you not think in a few months time he would use the excuse that you're rushing into things again? I think if this was a healthy dynamic, then you would have both agreed to stay single for a while then move slowly into a relationship (like it sounds like you did with your current DP).

It sounds like your FP likes the excitement of a borderline affair/rebound, but doesn't really want to commit emotionally. If you've had a year together previously and that didn't develop into a serious relationship, I'd be wary of letting him back in your life to mess with your head.

You are in love with the idea of him. You are in love with the romance of there being the one that got away and just never quite happening. He has you on the hook and gives you just a little big to keep you dangling.

He holds you at arms length because he likes that you see him as a sort of perfect partner, without getting close enough to see the reality. He gets off on the power trip it produces.

However the reality is he's not that into you. If he was he wouldnt have bottled it. He bottled it because he knows he can't live up to your fantasy. And he ran because ultimately he doesn't see you as the one. He was prepared to hurt you and walk away rather than commit. And he likely will always have something that stops him from settling with you.

You are missing right now not missing right. And always will be.

He's still holding out for someone better and when someone better hasn't come along he's come back. I wouldn't be surprised if he had been chasing someone else in the interim.

It's clear you aren't over him. And this isn't fair to your current partner.

But none of it is real. It's a fantasy. You are in limerance with a fantasy. Focus on realities and commitments rather than chasing the wind.

Exactly this.

Yes, he did say exactly that. He has taken full responsibility. He also hasn’t asked me for anything— just said he still loves me and is ready.

I don’t find my current partner ‘boring’ at all, as pp asks. Nor have I made up my mind. I don’t have any family and can’t talk to my friends about this for obvious reasons.

I wonder if the unavailability makes this attractive to you both and the minute you're available it doesn't work. You want what you can't have. It's like limerance. Don't be flattered by it. If you don't want your current partner let him go.

The fact that you’re even considering this shows that you’re not fully committed to your present partner. How would you feel if it was the other way round?

Ok, thanks everyone. I am going to try and focus on my partner, who is good for me and I am good for.

This is extremely accurate. You may have a hard time hearing this because you think it’s equal and mutual but it’s not, im sorry

You can only get the sense of safety and security from knowing that you’re ok on your own, so the relationship is a real positive choice. Solitude HAS to be the other option, because otherwise you have no power at all.

I agree with pp that this Friend isn’t thinking the way you are. He’s back because you look stable and happy, not because he wants you. He’s a fantasist and I’m willing to bet he’s not a good partner, which is why his LTRs have ended. He’ll mess you around and you won’t know which end is up, and it will all be drama drama drama. Then you’ll either be alone not from choice, or utterly miserable.

Choose the low-key, low-drama option you had right now and take the time to build your sense of safety in yourself. Don’t look for it in someone else.

You’re going to ‘try’? That’s awful, sorry.