Favourite person returned, but I’m in a committed relationship, what shall I do?

[PinkLipsticks]

This is very tricky and will make me seem like a bad person, but I really need some advice. I’m divorced in my 40s with teenage kids.

Throughout life I’ve had a male best friend who I’ve been extremely close to. We cared about each other as more than friends, but always decided not to go there. It was frightening, I suppose, because it would be real love. We had relationships, got married, now divorced. When our marriages were ending we tried it out and it was marvellous, however he said he wasn’t ready and really pulled back. That hurt me, though I understood: he was only just moving out, etc. We went no contact for a while, and I drew a line under it in my head to protect my feelings. I met someone else, a really lovely man who I’m now in a relationship with (for about a year and a bit).

However, my friend has now returned. He apologised for leaving, saying that the feelings were so deep it was a bit frightening to him. It’s very obvious we still love each other. I don’t know what to do. I’m in a very nice, committed relationship with someone I care about deeply. But my friend is the love of my life, we just match. It feels so dishonest and shallow to leave my relationship in which there are no problems, really unfair on my DP, as he’s done nothing wrong. I haven’t done anything yet, it’s just really troubling me. Does anyone have any advice? What is the best moral way to handle this?

Your male friend is really not the one.

He sounds like an immature idiot who doesn't really want you but likes to be wanted by you.

I had a relationship when I was younger like that - when the man would give a little, then say he wasn't ready and back away again.Any time I tried to move on, or get into a new relationship, he'd magically shown up again pulling the same shit. In both of our defences, we were very early 20s and not supposedly mature adults with teenage kids.

He's NOT the love of your life, he's the one that will prevent you from having true happiness if you choose to pretend that he is.

You have a good thing now. Unless you'd have been questioning that anyway, even if the other bloke hadn't suddenly popped up again, then don't walk away from that. Don't tip everyone's life up for a fantasy romance that doesn't even really exist.

This your poor dp, how can you spend time with him, have sex with him, when in your head you’re going ‘nah mate, you’re not actually the one for me, you’re gone soon as he gives me the nod”, it’s cruel.
how would you feel if he gives you a ring and says”it’s been fun, but Jenny from accounts just let me know she’s single and would much rather have her than you!”

Going against the grain here but I think you should break up with your partner and give this a go. It may not work out but you'll always be wondering 'what if' otherwise.

this

totally agree with this.

I freely admit I am not good at keeping my thoughts clear on this, that’s why I’ve asked for help.

I decided previously to draw a line under Old Friend and that is when I met my current partner. I don’t have him as second best, I adore him. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that the recent return has destabilised me and I need some help understanding it.

To the person asking if we’d had a relationship: yes, three years ago for about a year, while he was having his break up. It was secret, because it skirted very close to being an affair (on his behalf).

I disagree with the main view of the thread because if you feel like this then your current relationship isn't right for you anyway and you should end it. Settling is not good for anyone. You're always going to hold a candle for this guy so it's best to end your relationship and give it a go - if it doesn't work out then you'll know for sure, get over him and be free to move on properly.

As per pp

Have you ever actually been in a relationship together?
If so what age were you and for how long?
Have you had sex?
If you "didnt want to end things" ...why did it end???
Why did you ghost him pre your first marriage?
Why (really) did you refuse to get with him when you and he were both separated?
Yes timing isnt ideal, divorce is hard blah blah... but millions of people do it anyway why would you risk "leaving him on the market" / "losing him again"???

He is coming across as flaky and somewhat unreliable. Also you need to give up a good relationship because he is now ready - those are some pretty big red flags.

This relationship hasn't worked in the past because he wasn't ready to commit.

Having said that, I do know people who have rekindled with their 'first love' after marriage and divorce. They are now in committed, lovely relationships but I think both parties went for it - there was none of this flip flopping

The idea of "being over" someone doesn't follow from what I've posted.

Similarly to you, I had pretty much always had enough of relationships by the time they ended. Except this one. So I won't be with anyone else until I'm "over" him or it's genuinely better. (This may never happen.) You don't need to have experienced "getting over" someone to know not to start a new relationship.

You sound like you're saying you just automatically looked for a new relationship regardless of your continuing feelings for this man. How does that even work, internally? How can you fall in love and commit, knowing that given the chance you'd be with another? You sound like you are not honest with yourself, and perhaps are also scared of being alone so commit to whoever happens to be available at the time (rather than remaining single until someone very special comes along).

Unlike other posters, I do actually understand the idea of being scared of real love, or being known inside out. Personally I think it is the most wonderful thing, the ultimate really. But I know and loved one who found it scary and ran away. It is cowardly.

You need to be single and work on yourself until you are able to (a) accept real love and really being known, and (b) can behave honourably and not string someone along just because you'd rather not be single/your "favourite" isn't available.

Finding out about avoidant attachment may help you.

So what did he do to get "ready"? Did he have therapy? No? Then he is not ready and never will be. These are empty promises. He will bolt as soon as he is activated again.
You seem to be really keen to convince yourself he is the love of your life but, in my world, the person who leaves cannot be the love of my life. The most ethical way is to leave your current partner and spend some time alone to deal with your own abandonment issues.

Exactly this. Men dont drop women they love because their feelings are just too strong - sorry OP but that is a load of old twaddle to excuse hot and cold behaviour that messes women around.

My guess is - you'll dump this lovely man, start dating this twat and everything will be wonderful for a month or two and then he'll do the exact same thing he did last time and the cycle will continue. This man is not a long term prospect - he just cant stand seeing something he isnt allowed to have right now.

so in that case do you see that it’s not real love but childhood ‘trauma’ acted out in adulthood. Stay clear, save yourself another decade of being picked up and put down again. Sorry to be so blunt but I’m saying this to spare you the heartache

He only wants you now because you are happy with someone else. He seems like a classic commitment phobe.

Yes. And if someone does end things because they feel too much, that doesn't bode well for a healthy relationship does it?

Agree
This sounds like a Trauma Bond

Classic for him to leave you dangling, he got frightened (!) On/ off

Its a fantasy, not real @PinkLipsticks
Dont throw away a good man for this, it will surely end badly .

That is not a relationship. You haven’t had a relationship with him. 🤷‍♀️

Your Old Friend dumped you after a year of a secret relationship (affair)

If the joy and excitement of a secret exciting relationship (affair) couldn't keep him with you, a normal hum drum relationship definitely won't keep him with you

Anything you have with Old Friend won't last. He is not the love of your life. You've decided to call him that, but it's not who he is

Definitely leave your current partner as he is not the right person for you long term (otherwise you would not be looking elsewhere)

But please stop this silly 13 year old girl thinking about Old Friend. You're old enough to understand who Old Friend is.

let me guess......his partner didn't understand him and you and he were "soulmates" gah!

Good point. I am getting everyone’s points and it is very helpful to me.

What you’re saying is all true, I’m sure. I do acknowledge a lot of it is trauma patterns. I’ve been in therapy for three years. And also what you say @CostOfLoving is probably correct, I didn’t take enough time on my own or was trying to speed through the pain.

My current partner is really perfect for me though, we were friends before getting involved and were very careful and deliberate.