Favourite person returned, but I’m in a committed relationship, what shall I do?

[PinkLipsticks]

This is very tricky and will make me seem like a bad person, but I really need some advice. I’m divorced in my 40s with teenage kids.

Throughout life I’ve had a male best friend who I’ve been extremely close to. We cared about each other as more than friends, but always decided not to go there. It was frightening, I suppose, because it would be real love. We had relationships, got married, now divorced. When our marriages were ending we tried it out and it was marvellous, however he said he wasn’t ready and really pulled back. That hurt me, though I understood: he was only just moving out, etc. We went no contact for a while, and I drew a line under it in my head to protect my feelings. I met someone else, a really lovely man who I’m now in a relationship with (for about a year and a bit).

However, my friend has now returned. He apologised for leaving, saying that the feelings were so deep it was a bit frightening to him. It’s very obvious we still love each other. I don’t know what to do. I’m in a very nice, committed relationship with someone I care about deeply. But my friend is the love of my life, we just match. It feels so dishonest and shallow to leave my relationship in which there are no problems, really unfair on my DP, as he’s done nothing wrong. I haven’t done anything yet, it’s just really troubling me. Does anyone have any advice? What is the best moral way to handle this?

Don’t let him use you as his comfort blanket. Turning to you when things aren’t going well in his life.

I think you should cut your losses and try things with old flame

Meanwhile she’s using her partner as a comfort blanket

I agree with a lot of this, especially the part about you potentially ending up with no relationship at all in the end.

Also agree that I’m Back Guy would have to do some heavy lifting to regain my trust.

I think in my 20s and 30s I may have enjoyed a bit of the romanticism, fantasy and drama of it all, perhaps as though I was in some sort of romantic drama about star crossed lovers etc.

Now in my 40s, divorced with kids, I know now that I value consistency above all else.

I am not sure I Am Back guy is giving off consistency vibes.

I know, right? Like she’s doing the guy a favour 🙄.

I believe this is the best analysis/advice you’re going to get, OP.

This ‘friend’ doesn’t want you but he furnishing someone else getting the attention from you so when you’re both single he’s not bothered but as soon as you’re unavailable to pander to
him and boost his ego, he wants you back.

You’re his fallback, his ego boost. As a PP said you’re a dolly in toybox he knows he can play with when it suits him and shut you back in the box when he’s bored with you.

Stop romanticising this flaky player as some great passion. He had his chance twice and he didn’t want you enough, he’s only now back because it suits him.

I do think you should end it with your partner for his sake because he deserves better that someone who is debating going off with a man who has already hurt her twice and who lurks in the background. He deserves to be your number one and hes not so set him free.

Agree. Let the poor bloke go. He deserves better

It is so strange that people are angry at me for trying to get help for secret feelings from an anonymous forum. It is supposed to be a help board for mums.

Op there's no such thing as a man being too in love with you to be with you.

I had an "old friend" who was in love with me but I was in a relationship at the time so didn't know. When I had a break-up the old friend happened to be away and went he'd got back I'd fallen into another relationship for two more years...when I then broke up with the second guy, and old friend found out from someone, old friend phoned me up that very day and said he wouldn't miss the chance again...we're married now. He'd waited years till I was single. He didn't date anyone else in those years even.

I think if a man really loves a woman he'll do anything to be with her and no messing about. If he gets the chance he seizes it. He has no interest in dating anyone else. I think men can be more single-minded than women about this stuff.

I agree with this. The best and worse relationship of my life was ‘forbidden’ and high stakes (not an affair, I hasten to add!), with passionate declarations of love and heartbreaking, multiple exits on his part. 5 years out the other side and I can see it and him for what it really was.

I imagine you’re going to go for it regardless of any warnings OP, because the ‘thwarted love of my life’ narrative is so intoxicating. But be aware that it also absolutely primes you to overlay a romantic narrative onto some pretty basic inconsistent, noncommittal male behaviour.

Old flame is messing you about, don’t get drawn in.

I think people are just exasperated. Either they have been in this situation themselves and desperate to get you to see the light or they have never experienced this type of relationship and can't understand how one can entertain this. Don't take it personally.

He left you hanging. He fucked off for some reason that he's not really adequately explained. And now he says he's ready. He's made it all about his terms and conditions. That's not a healthy starting place for the relationship. He gets to say 'well I came back for you' blah blah blah somewhere down the road when reality kicks in. Because power imbalances.

He expects you to just drop everything, up end the life youve build in the interim and come running back into his arms. This is a massive ego and power trip.

When he left he had to go with the idea that there wouldn't be another chance. He walked away and said no. In expecting you to sit around waiting for his return he's showing that he thinks he's the centre of the universe. In reality you could have met someone the next day, got married and had a baby - you didn't but you could have. And that's the reality.

Now he wants to come waltzing back and get the heroic welcome home and his happy ever after.

He didn't think once about you in doing this. Instead he's actively messing with you head and expecting you to just leave the life you have had to build for yourself because he fucked off. He can't just expect to pick up where he left off because it suits him now. What about you???!!!

However you cut this he's enormously self centred and selfish to put you in this situation now. He hasn't considered you really.

Behold a man has returned! Your reaction should be 'yeah again, where the fuck have you been disappearing up your arse without a second thought about me? And now you turn up and wreck the life I've built cos it suits you now? What if that doesn't suit me? Are you going to fuck off again at the first sign of things getting emotionally tough?'

You should be angry with his attitude and disregard for how it impacts you.

He's messing you about.

I don’t think his behaviour can be excused OP however much you try. He cannot be that into you and I wouldn’t listen to what he says. He had his chance and he threw it away. Men don’t do this when they really want someone.

I don't think most people are angry with you. They are trying to warn you that the 'old friend' is a player that has already shown you he's untrustworthy, and want you to steer clear of someone who will only cause you repeated pain.

Just because people arent telling you what you want to hear doesnt mean they are being harsh or angry.
You have some jolly good advice( which you asked for)
I would listen to it and not try to divert away so that you keep making the same mistakes again.

Sounds like your “friend” just keeps you on the back boiler for when he is single.

if you were meant to be then you would have got together years ago,

This is important. Is our partner good for us or not? Do they bring out the best in us? Do we feel settled, calm, content and peaceful in the relationship?

Or do they make us feel unsettled, anxious and on tenterhooks some of the time however much we might love them?

No one is angry, they’re being honest from how they see it.
It is a helpful place for good advice and realism, not just telling you what you want to hear.

OP, kindly, you don’t walk away from someone because they mean too much. You walk away when someone doesn’t mean enough!

Your mind will make excuses for him because you WANT him, but he’s just not that into you, at least not as much as you are him.

If you have a traumatic past there's an element of seeing drama as normal. Especially as it can be exciting. But this drama is also a red flag which your traumatic past prevents you from seeing.

Spot the red flags. There's more than a few here. Reflect on them.

THIS. Noone is angry with you. People are just giving their honest opinion because you requested it.

It might not be what you hoped to hear but that doesn't mean anyone is "angry".
You have had some very sensible advice in this thread.

I agree with this.

I do know some situations like this among friends, yes in some cases it has gone exactly the way other PPs have suggested, in another they are now very happily married. I do think timings can be wrong especially when coming out of a divorce. It might well not work out, but at least you'll really know. And if your current partner is second best then it's not fair on him anyway to stay with him.

The relationship with your friend sounds like it could be so honest and intense it would be overwhelming if you got together and I'm not sure how sustainable it would be