Favourite person returned, but I’m in a committed relationship, what shall I do?

[PinkLipsticks]

This is very tricky and will make me seem like a bad person, but I really need some advice. I’m divorced in my 40s with teenage kids.

Throughout life I’ve had a male best friend who I’ve been extremely close to. We cared about each other as more than friends, but always decided not to go there. It was frightening, I suppose, because it would be real love. We had relationships, got married, now divorced. When our marriages were ending we tried it out and it was marvellous, however he said he wasn’t ready and really pulled back. That hurt me, though I understood: he was only just moving out, etc. We went no contact for a while, and I drew a line under it in my head to protect my feelings. I met someone else, a really lovely man who I’m now in a relationship with (for about a year and a bit).

However, my friend has now returned. He apologised for leaving, saying that the feelings were so deep it was a bit frightening to him. It’s very obvious we still love each other. I don’t know what to do. I’m in a very nice, committed relationship with someone I care about deeply. But my friend is the love of my life, we just match. It feels so dishonest and shallow to leave my relationship in which there are no problems, really unfair on my DP, as he’s done nothing wrong. I haven’t done anything yet, it’s just really troubling me. Does anyone have any advice? What is the best moral way to handle this?

Go for the one you love, you're not that into your partner if this man is still who you want. Be prepared for it to go wrong though, nothing is guaranteed, but at least you'll have tried.. and if it works out, happy days.

nailed it

Actually think OP is getting a bit of a hard time here!

This strikes me as a head v heart situation. It does really sound like you care about your DP… but does it sound like he’s the one for you? No. Is the old friend the love of your life? Maybe, maybe not. The one that got away? Possibly. But does the heart want what the heart wants? Unfortunately yes!

When I look back, the person (a long way after my husband I should add!) I feel like I had the strongest feelings for, we never had any sort of relationship. So I don’t think we can get any insight in to your relationship from your few posts - hence a lot of people downplaying/patronisingly saying you sound like a teenager etc. Also surprisingly little understanding or sympathy to what you and old friend went through in your histories that absolutely affects your relationships as an adult. Dare I say he may have done the right thing taking time out to sort himself out. I’ve not been divorced but I’m sure that also fucks you up, especially if adultery is involved.

It just sounds like your head wants your DP but your heart wants your old friend. In any case, I don’t think that’s really fair for the DP (especially if he’s as nice as you describe). If I were you I’d end that relationship and just be incredibly cautious with the old friend. It might not work out, but that’s life. If your love is as strong as you feel, I’d say it’s with the risk.

I agree.

The guy you are with now deserves better.

The chances are for you to take, maybe old flame will be flakey but you clearly believe it's a chance worth taking.

Good luck.

He sounds like a classic avoidant.

You will definitely get with the guy though so I dunno why you’re asking.

OP, I was in a similar situation - long term chemistry with old friend but married other people, eventually got divorced, hooked up, freaked out it was too soon, got with someone else etc. He came back two years later (after he’d been to therapy!) asking for another chance.

I broke it off with the man I was with, who was a really nice guy I was perfectly content with, and took the risk. We have now been together for five years, married for three, and blissfully happy. Like sickeningly, “love of my life, “I don’t believe in soulmates but,” people don’t believe it could be real, happy.

End your current relationship and take the chance. You will never get over him if you don’t, and that’s not fair on your current partner either.

Why does this man get to decide the timings of your relationship? He had his chance, actually multiple chances, to make a go of things with you and he chucked it away. Now that you're with someone else, he sees you as desirable.

Being with someone because they're 'nice' is not enough- unless you believe you are in love with this man, I would break off the relationship because he will always be second best to your fantasy.

Personally I would tell the 'best friend' to get lost too but you might need to get him out of your system. If you do, don't accept any rubbish about how he's so overwhelmed by his feelings that he can't be with you. Once that relationship breaks up, you can get rid of the fantasy for good.

I'm maybe going against the grain here, but I don't think it would be an awful decision to try and make a go of it. It does sound like it was a bad idea to try and build a relationship while he was going through divorce, and if he has actually been single and 'done the work', then maybe he is ready. Do you feel like you are? How much time have you had being single?

Follow your heart.

If you do get together with this old friend, you need to go in with no expectations. He could turn out to be the 'love of your life'- even though he decided to go no contact with you, a man who is supposedly your best friend- or he may prove to be a flake.

The trouble is that you've already accepted poor behaviour from him so I fear as long as you've got this idea that he's the 'love of your life' in your mind, you will put up with his excuses. If you were the love of his life, he'd have been thinking about you throughout his marriage and counted his blessings that the stars had aligned and you were both free. He certainly wouldn't risk losing you to someone else.

You need to be completely honest with your current partner. Tell him everything. Maybe he'll make the decision for you. But honestly, I think you will miss him too. But I don't think you'll be completely happy with him now, because your heart longs to be with your friend.

Stay in your committed relationship it is more secure and built on.

I’m sorry, but you need to end things with your current partner. It’s not fair to him. He could be the nicest guy in the world, but it doesn’t mean that he’s the “right” one for you. Been there, got the t-shirt. At some point, what you have won’t be “enough” for one of you.
The “best friend” sounds flakey tbh, but ultimately it’s up to you if you want to give it a shot. But please, walk away from the relationship you are in currently. At the very least, you owe him “honesty”, if you decide to try and make it work.

I think the question is whether this old friend has been to therapy. Everything hinges on that. If he hasn't, he is likely to repeat the same pattern. If he has, I'd be way more comfortable making the same choice as you.

I am going to go against the general grain of this thread here, because a similar experience happened to me with my friend. And it is absolutely possible to have that depth of feeling and be frightened by it (now in hindsight I know this is rooted back in significant childhood trauma from both sides) that you walk away from it, because walking away is much easier, and it is self preservation. We had a friendship first (both in relationships at th time we met). Both relationships ended for various reasons. After a while he approached me and told me he had feelings beyond our friendship. Very quickly we were in ridiculous love (engaged, recently moved in together), he suddenly ended it due to these feelings. I cut contact as I felt incredibly broken hearted. He then came back into my life (paths crossed as were both mature students at the time on the same uni course). A period of time without me and he had sorted his head out and the issues he had. After a lot of lengthy discussions exploring emotions on both sides, we did get back together and agreed to take it slowly. Like most people on this thread I would have walked away but I could not shake the feeling of unfinished business. I am so glad we did as we were incredibly happy. Sadly just over a year later he died in most awful sudden circumstances. OP there are obvious risks here, but if knowing all the risks (including your current partner getting hurt) and if you cannot shake the sense of unfinished business then I would consider exploring this relationship further with your friend. Life it too short, and do you really want to be in your 80s wondering “what if”

Oh honey you will regret leaving the lovely man, don’t do it. You’re attractive to the old friend because you’re unavailable. It’s a tale as old as the hills.

This. My first thought was that it reads like a romcom.

The notion that he was scared of committing to the OP but perfectly able to commit to and marry someone else makes no sense.

I had a boomerang. For years he kept popping back, building up my hopes then disappearing. Sometimes he didn't even want to see me but would tease me for weeks with texts about potentially meeting up.

He didn't love me
I wasn't 'the one'
He wasn't afraid to commit
He wasn't scared of how deep his feelings were

He'd managed all of the above with other women. I was an ego boost. I'd taught him that he could rely on me to fawn over him and stroke his ego when required. I came to the painful conclusion that if he wanted me in his life permanently, I'd be in it. I stopped playing the game and he stopped contacting me.

Then you need some therapy OP not this.

The inconsistent lover is going to continue to be just that. Off and on and hot and cold. You have found a lovely man and you say you are happy. Please double down on that. Don’t let your so-called best friend jeopardise your future. If he really cared for you he would stay away.

I think you re over romanticing the whole thing.
You clearly want to be with him in a relationship.
So be honest with your current partner.
Break up and give the " love" a try; see how it goes.
You re clearly not going to loose the love of your life in the relationship your currently in.

This. OP needs to let her partner find the love of his life, because it isn't OP and it's selfish to keep faking it.

Do you have Borderline Personality Disorder or are you using 'favourite person' as a catch phrase you've seen online?

A 'favourite person' is something those with Borderline Personality Disorder deal with and they are NOT healthy attachments, they are toxic and as unhealthy as you could possibly get. (Not the Borderline per se but the attachment to the 'favourite person')

If you dont have Borderline Personality Disorder and you are indeed using it as a 'cute catch phrase' youve seen online please take a moment to research what a 'favourite person' is and why it is toxic and unhealthy and educate yourself on these terms which come with stigma and judgement from those who have never experienced what a Borderline does..

Willing to bet he's only like this now because you are no longer available.

Don't split with your guy if you're happy. Not worth it, the other one will probably change his mind again.