Favourite person returned, but I’m in a committed relationship, what shall I do?

[PinkLipsticks]

This is very tricky and will make me seem like a bad person, but I really need some advice. I’m divorced in my 40s with teenage kids.

Throughout life I’ve had a male best friend who I’ve been extremely close to. We cared about each other as more than friends, but always decided not to go there. It was frightening, I suppose, because it would be real love. We had relationships, got married, now divorced. When our marriages were ending we tried it out and it was marvellous, however he said he wasn’t ready and really pulled back. That hurt me, though I understood: he was only just moving out, etc. We went no contact for a while, and I drew a line under it in my head to protect my feelings. I met someone else, a really lovely man who I’m now in a relationship with (for about a year and a bit).

However, my friend has now returned. He apologised for leaving, saying that the feelings were so deep it was a bit frightening to him. It’s very obvious we still love each other. I don’t know what to do. I’m in a very nice, committed relationship with someone I care about deeply. But my friend is the love of my life, we just match. It feels so dishonest and shallow to leave my relationship in which there are no problems, really unfair on my DP, as he’s done nothing wrong. I haven’t done anything yet, it’s just really troubling me. Does anyone have any advice? What is the best moral way to handle this?

So he basically ended his marriage because he knew you were single and wanted to be with you despite being married to a lovely woman but then got cold feet a year into your relationship because he knew it looked like (and to some extent was) an affair. Then left you for over two years with no contact or friendship and now expects you to want him back?

He sounds a mess. Untrustworthy, shortsighted and selfish. Maybe you have always connected but he doesn’t sound like a sure bet for a proper relationship. He sounds like the kind of person who prefers the fantasy to the real thing.

@ScarlettSunset
You have a good thing now. Unless you'd have been questioning that anyway, even if the other bloke hadn't suddenly popped up again, then don't walk away from that. Don't tip everyone's life up for a fantasy romance that doesn't even really exist.

I disagree. If this bloke popping up is enough to give her second thoughts, she clearly isn't that committed or into her current partner. Why would you even be with someone if you knew you were capable of these feelings for someone else?

The other guy may be flaky. He may be genuinely someone the OP can really love and connect with, but still be incapable of committing to a relationship because he gets scared. It doesn't matter - the point is, if OP can have such deep feelings for him, she shouldn't be with someone else.

No @godmum, I don’t think she’d care, she had met someone else.

Dear God. Listen to yourself. Your current partner is really perfect........are you 10?

You're not in an emotionally stable place. Probably never have been.

Please stop using these emotional patterns to make lifetime decisions

I have had a similar “return of ex” scenario OP. Man was a commitment-phobe and I allowed him to dither with me from our first meeting in 2016, for four years. We always had fated style interactions from the point we met, never quite right timing aligned, until it was and we went on some dates. He was terribly inconsistent and I finally got the sense to call time and go no contact when he went too far with stringing me along (and I realised I was romanticising the actions of a player).

I went on to meet the love of my life 6 months later. Was that the end of the player? Nope, he contacted me twice while I was in my new relationship over the period of the following year (text, followed by LinkedIn - I was surprised carrier pigeon and eBay were then not attempted). I had a brief moment of wondering if I should respond each time, and then simply deleted the messages. Actually also mentioned it to my partner in a “this dude from my past dating keeps contacting, I haven’t responded” because we were quite open about old threads trying to reconnect as he had instances too and it felt awkward for each of us when it would happen - it’s pretty common in the beginning of a relationship OP, like others have mentioned there’s nothing like a sense of someone moving on to make you want to swoop back in.

Alas, player got the (non) message and gave up. In my head, he had his opportunity, wasn’t consistent, and I wasn’t going to entertain destroying a respectful and loving, loyal relationship with the man who makes me laugh like no other on the basis of chasing “what could have been”. My partner and I now have a baby together and I will never regret the call I made, I love him and our family dearly. The point here is - it might be hard but the shouldawouldacoulda stuff is all a Netflix romantic drama parody. Real life is judging the actions of others - he is a distraction and I would go back to how you felt with your partner before he got back on the scene. If perfectly happy and loved up, you should be ignoring this man’s head fudgery efforts. Best of luck OP.

‘It feels so dishonest and shallow to leave my relationship in which there are no problems, really unfair on my DP, as he’s done nothing wrong’

It’s not dishonest, shallow or unfair to end a relationship, for any reason. Him having ‘done nothing wrong’ isn’t enough reason to stay with him if you would prefer to be free to date this other man/ex of yours, or others.

There aren’t guarantees: if you break up with your boyfriend you lose him.

You were a long ‘exit affair’ for your long term romantic interest (never primarily a friend by the sounds of it): not good ethics from either of you nor a good start. Poor!

Your ex ending things at that time might or might not mean he wasn’t into the reality of you or a ‘poor bet’.

It sounds like you very much want to ditch your boyfriend and date your ex: fair enough!

If you do, wouldn’t introduce him to your DC or vice versa for a long time, due to the high risk of a repeat of what happened before.

Yes this.

@PinkLipsticks has he really 'worked on himself' since your last secret stint together?
Has he clearly articulated why he dumped you and why it is different now?
Is he remorseful about how he treated you?

Does he tend to 'need' to be in a relationship and he knows you are keen?

OP, I had a friend in almost exactly the same situation as you. I warned her that he was a pile of red flags; she said she knew I was right, but had to try anyway. 5 years later they broke up and she told me he was a narcissist, and all about the litany of fucked-up things he put her through in the relationship. You want us to tell you it's normal to run away from someone because you love them too much, but nobody will, because everyone knows objectively that's not what real love means.

This man is already playing games with you. He sounds emotionally unavailable. He will want you when you are out of reach and dump you as soon as you get too close - he's already done it, for god's sake. Stay away from confused little boys who don't know what they want. Their vulnerability is intoxicating but in the end, they will break you every time.

This may be harsh but you sound like you may read too much romantic fiction or watch too many soaps.
You undoubtedly have a strong attraction to this man but he doesn’t have a good track record. He says sweet words but his actions aren’t great.
Saying that I do think you should go for it. It’s not fair on your current DP that you are swooning over someone else and also I think it would do you good in the long term to let this thing you have with the other guy play out. Just be sure if it’s not working out that you don’t give him too much of your valuable time trying to make it work if it isn’t working.

It sounds more like a fantasy than something real, OP. If you both really wanted to be together you'd have made it happen by now.

It sounds like he only likes you when you're unobtainable and when you're available he loses interest. If he was that into you you'd be together. Prepare to be hurt by him again OP

You sound like a teenager, he’s playing you like a fiddle.

”To the person asking if we’d had a relationship: yes, three years ago for about a year, while he was having his break up. It was secret, because it skirted very close to being an affair (on his behalf).”

So he’s a cheat as well then? Lovely.

Thank you @BiscuitBarrel2 for the kind response. I don’t know why some people are being so harsh. It is very confusing to me. I am neurodivergent and it isn’t always very clear to me about this stuff.

I don’t read or watch any romances. I’m quite an academic type person in a professional job.

PP who said how do I have time to think about this: don’t you always have time for your own thoughts? I find it very easy to manage the meals, clubs, career etc.

@Agoodpm

I wasn't dumped, I actually ended things myself. Not going into the details here.

It can be true love without that being the only chance of true love in life.

The point remains the same - if you have such strong feelings for someone, you shouldn't be with someone else. And trying to have a relationship with the person in question without having addressed the underlying issues will also not work!

I have seen this before.

I’m guessing you didn’t get with him pre-marriages because you didn’t find him attractive, so you married someone you actually fancied. Now you’re older and wiser you realise there’s more to love and relationships than physical attraction, and emotional connections can be just as strong if not stronger.

From his side, it wasn’t all it cracked up to be when you ‘gave it a go’ post divorce, as he had built it up in his head when you were both much younger and he wanted to be with you. The reality was different, you were both older, things had changed.

Maybe now upon reflection, he’s decided he would quite like to give it another try after all. After a few years of being divorced and lonely.

What I am saying is I think you have both romanticised the situation at different times and you probably aren’t really seeing it realistically. You are looking back at your time together as if it was perfect , but was it really if he bolted? He is probably going back to the feelings he had in his 20s again and thinking it will be blissful. But life isn’t like that.

I’m not saying it won’t work out, but the ‘real, true love’ you describe is a fairy tale. Even the best relationships take work. And like others said, people don’t leave someone they love as they are scared of love. They just don’t.

A man who “loves” you would never give another man the opportunity to be with you.

It sounds chaotic, and quite toxic.

I suggest you both go to therapy to work through your childhoods, and see how the land lies after the hard work is done. I think you’re attracted to each other’s trauma.

Then, from another ND and very logical person - think about it logically. Someone says they love you "too much" and then leaves you...where is the logic?
Reminds me of someone I was dating. He said he was annoyed that circumstances won't allow him to see me more often and three days later elected to never see me again. Zero logic.
If someone wants to be with you, they will move mountains to do just that. He kept you secret the last time, it was never a relationship. You shout from the rooftops when you date the "love of your life", not keep them a dirty secret because you are worried what other people would think.

What I am attracted to is his physical presence, his personality— he is very funny and creative— and how supportive he has been to me over the years. He looked after me as a friend when I was a teenager, walking me home when it was late and encouraging me with my hobbies, lending me bits and pieces I didn’t have for school, etc. He has always been like that, helping me with little bits and making it obvious he really believed in me.

When we got together post divorce it felt like safety and love. But the circumstances were objectively high stress. Now seeing him again he has that feeling of safety and care, and the physical attraction.

edited to add: we’re the same age

The friend seems a bit dramatic to be honest. Being in your 40s and scared of quite normal emotions. I’d bin.

This all feels a bit like the film The Holiday

OP is Kate Winslet
Old friend is Rufus Sewell - although less of a shit.
Has relationships with other women when he knows 'Kate Winslet' will always be there for him as she loves him so much

OP you 100% need some time alone. Overlapping relationship after relationship is o the answer, whether you’re convinced that your best friend is your dream man or not. You need time alone to figure out who you are, give some time to your kids and remove relationships from the picture all together for a bit. If you and this man are truly meant to be together then you’ll find your way back to each other at a later date when then time is right.

What happens in that film @Pipsquiggle

I’d be concerned he enjoys the chase, the feeling of we want to be together but we can’t more than actually committing to a serious relationship. There’s nothing more intoxicating than the one that got away because it’s not real it’s a fantasy.

You could throw away a great relationship for the idea of a great relationship that may not be a reality.