Husband watching porn nightly and masturbating in bed, unsure how to handle

[BlueBeeMee]

I’ve discovered my husband of 25 years has been watching porn every night. I believe he has an addiction. I haven’t approached him about it because I know he’ll just reply that it’s because I no longer want sex, it will be my fault. I’ve woken up during the night because the bed is shaking as he’s masturbating.

Sex for me is well over, I’ve never really enjoyed it. I’m happy just to live as companions as we grow into our later years but I’m not sure if I can live with this. I’m finding it all a bit disrespectful and disgusting.

I’m thinking I just have to put up with it as I’m not interested in that side of our marriage and that’s not his fault.

I’d like to hear your thoughts.

It sounds like you want different things out of the relationship now. You say you want a companion to grow old with, he seems to want you to have sex with him. If you've each acknowledged to yourselves and each other that the relationship has fundamentally changed BUT you both still choose to stay together, then he needs to find a way to let go of his bitterness toward your not wanting to have sex with him (and whatever else) and find another outlet that allows you both privacy, dignity, and hygiene. If separate bedrooms aren't an option, then he doesn't use the bed to masturbate unless he can wrap it up while you're elsewhere and wash the sheets.

(I wouldn't accept the porn use if we have shared finances and I was in any way funding it. I also wouldn't willingly live with a porn addict or any kind of misogynist, but everyone's limits are different.)

When you decided that your marriage would now be sexless, did you talk to your husband? How did he feel?

You are perfectly entitled to not want to have sex, but you’re not actually entitled to a companion. If he doesn’t want to live in a sexless marriage then you don’t get to force him. You actually need to have a discussion about it.

If you just want a companion and he also wants to remain married, but porn and masturbation are the things he needs to stay in a sexless marriage then I think it’s pretty shitty if you decide he isn’t allowed that either.

it seems to me, though that he probably wouldn’t want to give up having a wife to pick up, cook and clean for him.

Why do people make these assumptions?
It's as lazy as saying "she was happy for him to bring home the bacon for x years".
OP hasn't give any hints to their situation, so why asssume she's his domestic servant?

I think it’s vile and I’d be ending the marriage and sleeping elsewhere.

Given we live in a patriarchal society it’s a pretty safe assumption to make.

Agree 100% OP.

Doing it in bed is not a great idea. Sounds like he's doing it intentionally to show you that he's doing it because you are not interested. Why have you gone off sex? How about helping him get his relief?

Separate bedrooms. It is really not ok for him to masturbate right beside you in bed.
Tell him sex was never good enough for you to want it.
Ask him if he wants to divorce.
Accept his answer.
If it's no, then ask yourself if you want to divorce.

Or he could just be a big boy and use his words.

He sounds vile. I wouldn’t want to have sex with someone so disrespectful either.

I think you will find that she decided some time ago that sex was off for her. Before this happened.

I would agree with all this.

However, the issue here is the OP's marriage, which IMO isn't a marriage.

They aren't both on the same page, and it isn't an issue where there can be a compromise, so IMO sadly they need to separate.

“Can you go and do that somewhere else please” might kill the moment a bit. Or keep a bucket of cold water handy.

It’s grim he’s doing it in bed next to you, but you can’t just decide he’s never having sex again. He’s obviously not happy with it so I’d say you should separate. Do you have a spare room?

You have to accept his choices as you're not providing an alternative.

However you don't have to accept his choices and stay in the same room

Make another room a lovely bedtime retreat for you

I'd make some plans for when he meets someone else. Get your ducks quacking

He can do what he wants with his own body. But he needs to choose a time when he's alone to do this. It's distrespectful to do it in front of you, arguably passive aggressive. You need to tell him how you feel about the marriage.

What an awful post ‘not providing an alternative’ - really??

Are you a man? I’m not sure why else you’d think that women would be queuing up for a pensioner man to take him off the OP’s hands . Other women his age might have the same issues re: lowered sex drive from menopause. Younger women won’t be interested because they can get younger men. Lol

You don't think that a loving romantic relationship involves sex?

One of the alternatives to the husband watching porn and wanking, is sex with his wife

The OP has said she doesn't want sex therefore one of the alternatives to him wanking has been removed

I'm not sure why you find this so awful. It's factually correct.

He has other alternatives. So far he's choosing to wank and watch porn

Edit - I don't know why you think I've said women are queuing up. I haven't suggested that at all. But he might choose to find sex out of the marriage. He might or might not be successful

It’s the language I have a problem with ‘providing’. It’s not a woman’s job to service a man. He can leave if he wants to.

The op has disappeared I think..,

Yes. I see what you mean. Offering instead of providing?

Apologies for my poor word finding ❤️

And yes, I agree, the OP is gone!