Husband watching porn nightly and masturbating in bed, unsure how to handle

[BlueBeeMee]

I’ve discovered my husband of 25 years has been watching porn every night. I believe he has an addiction. I haven’t approached him about it because I know he’ll just reply that it’s because I no longer want sex, it will be my fault. I’ve woken up during the night because the bed is shaking as he’s masturbating.

Sex for me is well over, I’ve never really enjoyed it. I’m happy just to live as companions as we grow into our later years but I’m not sure if I can live with this. I’m finding it all a bit disrespectful and disgusting.

I’m thinking I just have to put up with it as I’m not interested in that side of our marriage and that’s not his fault.

I’d like to hear your thoughts.

Is he aware he will never have a sex life with his wife again?!

He's being disrespectful waking you in the night.

However, it's clear that he's not happy living a sexless life.

You need to separate, or find a way to share a sex life that is fulfilling to both of you.

You can't unilaterally decide on a celebate life and expect the marriage to work.

This is basically it.

He shouldn’t be waking you at night. He should go do it somewhere else so he doesn’t wake you.

Have you clearly spoken to each other about the fact you want to live as just friends? Thats an important conversion to have, so he can decide if he wants to stay on the marriage.

That’s grim. Are you not on edge at night wondering if you’ll be woken up by him masturbating to porn? Why aren’t you interested in sex? If he’s a porn addict I doubt he’s been the best sexual partner. It may all be connected.

Ew,grim.

He is doing this to get a reaction out of you.

Sex for you is over and you’ve never really enjoyed it . Ok . Depends on your ages but you could both be in your 40s if you married young . So I’d say you don’t have to put up with it and you could leave and I think that would be best for him also . He may not want to live a life of celibacy .

What?!?! No, he's doing it because he is horny. Probably because his wife has decided she never wants to have sex with him again.

The is actually a good point. He may be staying around hoping it’ll change eventually. Dry spells are normal but I feel really sorry for anyone who’s in a completely sexless relationship, male or female.

He's disgusting OP.

People like you are the reason that there is so much disrespect for women.

Agree with the majority of (sensible) comments on here. Presumably when you got married you had a sex life, which continued for however many years.

Now you've just decided unilaterally that you no longer want to have sex with your husband @BlueBeeMee . Of course he's going to be sexually frustrated / wanking.

Agree that if it's waking you up then he needs to go another room / wank at another time that's not the middle of the night.

However, the actual issue here is whether or not you should be continuing this marriage at all. It's all well and good just making your decision to no longer be intimate with him but if he doesn't want that, then I don't see how you can go on for however many years as it will just lead to resentment and unhappiness.

It’s not disgusting to want to have some form of sexual activity/ release - if you stay together he’s basically never going to have sex again! That would be a deal breaker for me.

Time for a chat about respecting eachothers space/ boundaries or separate.

"Sex for me is well over, I’ve never really enjoyed it. I’m happy just to live as companions as we grow into our later years..."

I'm surprised you've interpreted this to mean that DH's use of porn has caused the issue.

He's really not.

If my DH didn't want to have sex with me then I would be watching porn and masturbating too (while I made my plans to leave him).

Unsure how to handle it? Firmly is my advice.

Then you are also disgusting, either that or ignorant regarding the porn industry, in which case you can educate yourself.

You do know that pretty much most porn is between consenting adults who have chosen it as their career path and make a lot of money from it don't you...?

I’m sorry but that is not on. He can find another time or place to do it, not whilst you’re in bedding sleeping next to him. Bloody hell. Utterly disrespectful.

Oh dear.

You need to have an honest discussion about how you see your marriage, if he is happy with your decision to grow old as companions then have separate rooms and he can crack on.

If he decides that’s not the kind of marriage he wants then he can pursue a divorce.

I’m not sure how you can state he’s addicted to porn. He’s a man who has sexual needs and you have decided that isn’t for you anymore. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you never wanting sex again, but in my opinion, you can’t expect your husband to live the same way. Exactly the same thoughts it this was the other way around.

Im sure he’s not purposely masturbating to wake you up. It’s more likely he knows you’re asleep so he’s doing it then in order to try and keep it private from you that he is doing it.

Whilst I’d not been keen on my OH watching porn, if I was in a sexless marriage I’d prefer him to do that than cheat.

I guess it all boils down to have you told him you never want sex again? And if so, is he happy to live as roommates with his wife?

You might not want to have sex any more after you go through the menopause and I say that as someone with quite a high sex drive. Sex drive is directly linked to hormones.

People change as they get older.

So everyone involved in the porn industry is being sex trafficked / made to do this against their will?

Absolutely nobody is doing it through their own choice?

Sex work amounts to selling your soul. Nobody grows up aspiring to be a porn actor. They do it for money.