Husband watching porn nightly and masturbating in bed, unsure how to handle

[BlueBeeMee]

I’ve discovered my husband of 25 years has been watching porn every night. I believe he has an addiction. I haven’t approached him about it because I know he’ll just reply that it’s because I no longer want sex, it will be my fault. I’ve woken up during the night because the bed is shaking as he’s masturbating.

Sex for me is well over, I’ve never really enjoyed it. I’m happy just to live as companions as we grow into our later years but I’m not sure if I can live with this. I’m finding it all a bit disrespectful and disgusting.

I’m thinking I just have to put up with it as I’m not interested in that side of our marriage and that’s not his fault.

I’d like to hear your thoughts.

Masturbation is not disrespectful or disgusting.

Just because you don't want to have sex - does not mean he can somehow turn off his libido.

Most people masturbate in their bed. He, of course, should be more discrete and not wake you. He clearly does not always wake you - as you have not been having sex for a while already?

As to - you having to live with it? Up to you really - whether you think this is something that you want to divorce over.

He clearly decided not to divorce YOU over your unilateral decision to stop physical intimacy - which most of the people would consider a normal/required part of marriage unless BOTH people decide they are done.

Not sure why you would think that him taking care of his normal physical needs - is a deal breaker. But it's your life and your decision.

I do feel bad for the guy. Or anybody - who's partner decided to stop sex, but then feel they have an opinion on the masturbation.

Quite!

How disgusting that you have compared violating someone by raping them with a woman not wanting or liking sex.

Shame on you.

Just because I don’t do it myself does not mean that I don’t have knowledge of the industry. 🙄

And the op says that she’s always had a low sex drive. He knew who he was marrying.

He should be more discrete but she’s out of order to be the wank police.

The OP is minimising the consequences of her decision to stop having sex.

He's interrupting your sleep with his porn and masturbating so hard he's shaking the bed.

I would think that's deliberate behaviour, it's coming very near to sexual abuse of you, and one of you is going to move out of the marital bed.

Masturbation is not disgusting. Your husband is allowed to enjoy pleasure in the comfort of his own room. Yes, the way he is going about it might come across as him being difficult, but he probably might be annoyed and being stubborn. To say sex is over for you is fine but you are not alone in this marriage. Have you guys spoken about this? How does he feel? There's so much context we don't know. If you are that unhappy, perhaps it's time to set yourself and him free.

That doesn't mean he has to be ok with a completely non-existent sex life. And we don't even know for how long that is the case.

Masturbating in the presence of your sleeping spouse is not sexual abuse.

Sex isn’t a god given right.

Please cite the sources for your "knowledge" of the industry.

It’s a choice and the OP has chosen for both of them unless he divorces her or is unfaithful.

Neither is a sexless marriage.

I suspect that the dead bedroom/lack of sex has rarely or never been discussed.

I suspect that this is his way of communicating (albeit poorly) that he still has sexual urges and isn't thrilled about the lack of sex in his marraige.

You don't want to sleep with him - fair enough
You don't want him to watch porn & masturbate beside you - again fair enough, completely reasonable.

You don't want him to watch porn and masturate elsewhere - completely unreasonable. You can opt out of a sex life if you want but you can't impose the same on him.

Agreed

The OP specifically says she thinks she needs to put up with it as it's not his fault. There's no need for posters to be nasty to her. Many women would find their husband watching porn every night and being woken up by him shaking the bed by vigourously knocking one out next to her disgusting. That doesn't mean they think masturbation is disgusting. The point has been made enough times now that she needs to talk to him and discuss how to handle the fact they will never have sex together again.

From experience: The fact that you can feel it doesn’t always mean it’s done deliberately - although that could be the case.

It could be a passive aggressive act. But equally, in pitch-black silent room at night, you may be able to feel slight movements in the mattress (unless he goes very slow). You might see the glow of the phone. If she dislikes the habit, she might be more aware of any movements and more disrupted by it.

I bet if op thought this was what was going on (he’s intentionally trying to cause upset or pressure, she’d have said it loud and clear to us. It’s more likely that he just prefers to masturbate in his bed, or when he thinks op is asleep and won’t interrupt.

No it isn't and I never said that. But saying someone had a low sex drive 25 years ago, so now their partner must be punished for it and live with the consequences is unfair.

He can leave the relationship. Maybe he should have had a conversation about that instead of doing these bed-rocking wanks to wake up the OP.

it seems to me, though that he probably wouldn’t want to give up having a wife to pick up, cook and clean for him.

The only thing that is certain, is that nobody should ever be forced to do something sexual they don’t want to just to keep the other person happy.

You are talking rubbish and twisting my words in quite an unintelligent way.

You sound like a Bot.

What solution do you propose, pray tell?

WHY do you keep talking about “forced sex”?!

WHY?

This has not been mentioned at all.

Low sex drive and no sex are two different things.

No response from op since 🧐

I’d say it’s ‘unintelligent’ to suppose that when men rape it has anything whatsoever to do with hormones….