Husband watching porn nightly and masturbating in bed, unsure how to handle

[BlueBeeMee]

I’ve discovered my husband of 25 years has been watching porn every night. I believe he has an addiction. I haven’t approached him about it because I know he’ll just reply that it’s because I no longer want sex, it will be my fault. I’ve woken up during the night because the bed is shaking as he’s masturbating.

Sex for me is well over, I’ve never really enjoyed it. I’m happy just to live as companions as we grow into our later years but I’m not sure if I can live with this. I’m finding it all a bit disrespectful and disgusting.

I’m thinking I just have to put up with it as I’m not interested in that side of our marriage and that’s not his fault.

I’d like to hear your thoughts.

Oh absolutely I get that.

And I understand that there are plenty of people who never have sex and plenty of sexless relationships. If both parties are happy with that then that's great.

However if - for any reason - I decided I was never going to have sex again (in the OPs words Sex for me is well over, I’ve never really enjoyed it) then I would firstly have to have this discussion with DH and secondly, would have to accept and understand if he decided that he couldn't live like that.

Well of course they do it for money! Same as escorts, OF etc...

But you can't tar the entire porn industry with the same brush and say that everyone involved is being held against their will and forced to have sex on camera through no choice of their own.

There are many, many porn stars who are extremely wealthy (some are millionaires) off the back of their career. And plenty who love what they do and don't want to go into a "normal" job.

It’s just strange to me that he’s lying there shaking the bed. It’s weird. And I would say he’s almost certainly trying to make a point to the OP otherwise he’d do it in private.

I 100% did not say that.

My ‘oh dear’ was more at the fact you say ‘most porn is consensual’ - even if that were true, that means you understand all of it is not. Have a think.

You need to sit down with your husband and discuss this properly. You may be ok with living as sexless companions but he may not be. He shouldn't be watching porn and masturbating next to you in bed if it makes you uncomfortable. Separate rooms may be a solution. But if you have decided never to have sex again, you need to tell him that and he needs to decide if it's a dealbreaker for him, or not.

Divorce.
You have every right to not be woken up by wanking but he has every right to wank.
YABU to unilaterally decide you will both live a celibate life within a marriage. That’s not a marriage nor is it a mutual decision. He needs to find his happiness somewhere else.

Not sure why you're being condescending?

Of course I know that not all porn is consensual. But the majority of it is.

But on the same hand, not all marriages are consensual. Some women are forced to get married against their will. But that doesn't mean that ALL marriages are bad.

I - and everyone else over the age of 18 - are allowed to watch legal, consenting porn between adults.

Making money from OF is extremely difficult to do, despite what you may hear to the contrary because the nature of the platform has become that people are required to do more and more kink in order to stand out. Vanilla sex won’t cut it any more.

And this is why porn is harmful to the sexualities of young people - they are getting warped ideas of what is normal and vanilla sex isn’t exciting any more. This increases consumers who get turned on by women being physically hurt during sex.

Which is why Bonnie Blue does crazy stuff like sleep with 1000 men in one day and put herself in a box where people can do anything to her.

I wasn’t trying be condescending I was pointing out you are using ‘some is consensual’ to justify your choice, so rather than ranting just own it?

Do you expect him to never have sex again for the rest of his life OP? Do you still love him? because you don't seem to care about his feelings much. How does he feel about it? I can't tell how you're expecting this to pan out - are you bothered if he wants to split up? Are you just with him because it's stable and convenient?

If you watch it yourself, how do you know that the stuff you’re watching is ethical?

There is no way to know.

Oh FFS how is she 'being treated like shit'?

Can't blame the guy.

I'm not ranting in the slightest.

There are a lot of industries and a lot of work which is illegal.

But consensual, adult porn is not.

You are being obtuse. The fact is you don’t know.

You might need a better promo strategy and monetisation if you're struggling to get traction on OF. I'm making plenty and I'm vanilla.

I don't know that pornography as an industry is legal?! 🤔

I wouldn’t do OF.

Like I said, obtuse.

It's true it's not especially fair for one partner to suddenly declare they're forgoing sex permanently but I guess he has known this to be the case for a while.

I believe everyone has the right to masturbate, whether they're having normal sex regularly or not. But it should be done in private.

Tell him to have some dignity and don't take away your dignity by doing it so openly in your bed! He must go to another room if he wants a wank. Especially If it's involving watching porno scenes!

Sex for me is well over, I’ve never really enjoyed it.

OK. But you absolutely cannot expect him to just switch off his sex drive just because you don't like sex.

Obviously he shouldn't be waking you up by having a wank in bed next to you. That's not fair.

But I don't think it would be reasonable for anyone to tell their partner that they aren't allowed to use porn when you have no interest in sex with them. You don't have any sex drive (and it sounds like you never have - is it possible you're asexual?) but he does and I think most people with a sex drive need some sort of outlet for it. I know people will say 'He just needs to use his imagination' but honestly, if someone has a strong libido - especially a man - that's not going to be enough for the rest of their life. I'm not a man, but it wouldn't be enough for me. Libido isn't just about physical release. It's also about interest in sex - seeing it, hearing it, talking about it.

If my partner said 'You know what, I've never enjoyed sex. Let's just be companions' I would be utterly devastated and I would absolutely be trying to find any outlet for my sex drive that wasn't an affair, frankly.

He needs to have a wank in another room, but I don't think what he watches while he does it is something you can police.

I would be interested if you communicate all of this with your husband. Have you told him that sex is off the table, you say that you haven't approached him about the masturbation, so how would he know that you don't want him to do it?
I think communicating your expectations would help in this matter. He will then be within his rights to choose if he wants to live in a sexless marriage, especially as it comes across that you are not old.

Surely it's a private hobby that should be done in private?

Bit like golf in that nobody needs to hear about you doing it!!

Next to your sleeping partner whilst watching porn is grim and disrespectful...
Separate rooms or divorce imo.

But you can't tar the entire porn industry with the same brush and say that everyone involved is being held against their will and forced to have sex on camera through no choice of their own

Agreed. Porn encompasses a vast, vast range of content and a huge amount of what people are watching today is content produced by the performers themselves, either solo or couples.

Some porn is awful and exploitative and harmful to the people involved, much as some of the garment industry or the food industry or construction or agriculture is awful and exploitative and harmful to the people involved. But it makes no sense to say consenting adults shouldn't be allowed to have sex or expose themselves in front of a camera for money, simply because some non-consenting adults have been coerced into it in completely different circumstances. It would be like saying nobody should be allowed to get their nails done anywhere because certain nail bars are modern slavery fronts.

I also think it's fundamentally misogynistic to assume that adult women are incapable of making their own choices about their bodies and what they do with them, and need to have their sexual choices curtailed for their own good.

Sex work amounts to selling your soul

It might for you. It doesn't for everyone. Not everyone feels that way about sex. At all.

I think a lot of people just find it really unpalatable that there are women who don't see sex as some sort of special gift that must only be bestowed upon a long-term term partner in a gentle and loving manner, and who are perfectly fine with separating it from their emotions. Or in some cases who get off on being watched. Given that there are people happily go to swingers' clubs and shag each other in front of audience, I don't see why they shouldn't be allowed to do the same thing in front of a camera.

I’d be wary about what people share on this thread. This is the OP’s only ever thread, no comments elsewhere, no replies to this and the typical 3 word user name.

On the off chance it’s genuine, why is everyone assuming the husband doesn’t know the OP no longer wants sex, especially when she states that she thinks he will blame it on her if she asks him about the porn use because she doesn’t want sex - that implies he’s well aware. If he were pestering her for sex every night and then turning to porn when turned down, there would be justification for assuming she hadn’t told him. There’s also a lot of presumptions about their ages - just seem to be assuming they are in their 40’s. Feels like that’s a crucial bit of information that’s needed, along with how long the porn use has been going on (why does OP jump straight to addict), when did sex stop between them, etc.