Husband watching porn nightly and masturbating in bed, unsure how to handle

[BlueBeeMee]

I’ve discovered my husband of 25 years has been watching porn every night. I believe he has an addiction. I haven’t approached him about it because I know he’ll just reply that it’s because I no longer want sex, it will be my fault. I’ve woken up during the night because the bed is shaking as he’s masturbating.

Sex for me is well over, I’ve never really enjoyed it. I’m happy just to live as companions as we grow into our later years but I’m not sure if I can live with this. I’m finding it all a bit disrespectful and disgusting.

I’m thinking I just have to put up with it as I’m not interested in that side of our marriage and that’s not his fault.

I’d like to hear your thoughts.

I agree. You don’t want to have sex ever again, so I think he’s entitled to some sexual gratification. Get separate rooms, or perhaps a divorce? Seems very sad all around to me.

OP I would leave this relationship and accept your marriage is over:

-You have no interest in intimacy with him
-he seems addicted to porn and is being disrespectful by wanking next to you and waking you up
-neither of you have chosen to speak about the lack of intimacy to each other.

Well, that is just such a sad setup...
Off the bat, the fact that he is doing it in the same bed as you is just - sorry for the lack of a better word - dumb. He should have the common decency, or intelligence to at least not be in the same room. You just have to explain it to him, that it is understandable that he has this urge, but if he has to go for it, at least he should do it in another room. (Hard to believe someone would be this daft, to be honest). Whether he is addicted or not, that is a different question, if this is his outlet to any sexuality, I don't think it is possible to stop his addiction... (I am also basing this on the fact that he is a guy whose brain is telling him it's fine to go at it in the same bad as his wife)

If you are 'done' with sex as a whole, that's your decision, I think that is fine, but if he is not (let's face it, most of us can relate to not wanting to give it up), then there are steps that need to be taken, so both of you can be on board with how you live. You either need to learn to accept that he is pleasuring himself, just as he needed to accept that you want no sexual contact whatsoever. (I am guessing he did, as you didn't mention any kind of pestering or attempts). There is a second layer to this - I am not sure staying together is the perfect solution, to be honest with you. Mismatching sex drives someone can work with, but this is different...

Communication would be key here..so both of you can talk to the other person openly about what you want, what is bothering you... And that seems to be missing.

You need to properly talk about what you want for you future. If your libido has gone, and you really have no interest in trying to retrieve it, then that's up to you if you want to find a companion for the latter half of your life. But if you want your husband to be that companion you need to think about how that actually works and then properly propose that to him and ask him on what terms he could accept such an arrangement. Surely the basis of any such companion relationship should be at the very least mutual care and respect. Do you really want to live in companionship with someone you find disgusting and disrespectful? Does he really want to be in a companionship (even if this incuded the option of open marriage and/or discreet porn use) with someone who is disgusted by him but just "puts up with it". Don't you both deserve better than that?

OP never said he was into that kind of thing.

He's not entitled to masturbate and watch porn right next to you. It's disrespectful and he should go into another room to do that.

I take it you actually haven’t communicated with him directly about the fact that you don’t want to have sex ever again. This is something that needs addressing and he deserves to know where to stand.

He shouldn’t be masturbating in the bed next to you but he isn’t wrong for still having sexual needs.

Can you have separate bedrooms?

I find it bizzare you dont want to have sex and now have an issue with him handling it himself. Maybe just ask him to do it else where. I feel sorry for him tho

There are 2 problems here. Firstly, you have unilaterally ended his sex life. Secondly, he is disrespectful shaking the bed enough to wake you up. I don’t think him wanking in the bed is too problematic in itself though.

The marriage is over. You need to agree terms of divorce.

I kind of feel sorry for your husband if you’ve just decided that sex is off the cards. If you don’t want it anymore then maybe you need to consider ending things with him and becoming a nun.

The two of you need to talk, not avoid the issue. It sounds like you have unilaterally decided your sex life is over with little or no discussion, which is very unfair on him. You are both probably not even that old - are you expecting him not to have sex, or have a wank, ever again? He is perfectly reasonable to masturbate in my view (the use of porn is less clear cut to me). Do you want to stay married with no sex? Does he? You need to talk!

No he's not.

Whether it's done with conscious intention or not, masturbating vigorously enough to shake the bed and wake your partner up - rather than going to the bathroom - is sending a message to that partner.

You don't want sex.
Me neither, for a long time.
All good.
Leave him alone.

Then why are you pronouncing that vanilla doesn't make money on OF if you've got zero knowledge of the industry?

Don't try making up facts to support your opinions. Just say "I believe porn is immoral" and stick to that.

I’ve asked her for more information/ clarity and posited that there may be a connection. My comment is fair as I’m asking a question rather than making an assumption and posing that as a statement.

He shouldn’t be doing it in bed next to you but that is all he has done wrong. Maybe he doesn’t want a sexless ‘companionship’ marriage. If not, it’s best to end it

Sounds strange to me that he is wanking so hard tat it rocks the bed and wakes you up. I suspect it's his way of getting you to talk about the whole situation.,

TBH I find your attitude a bit disrespectful and selfish. If my husband decided he didn't want sex anymore I would leave. I think many men in his situation would do the same and/or cheat. I wonder if he's doing it next to you as he wants to go to sleep afterwards, or to punish you. I wouldn't blame him, he might feel rejected. Have you talked about your sex life or lack of? I would feel cheated if I had a partner who didn't like sex, didn't want it again and didn't discuss it with me. I'm presuming you are in your forties or fifties. I hope to have a sex life for as long as I can. Your poor husband either leaves you, cheats or never has sex again, that sucks. That's not what you expect when you get married.

Maybe he could go and do it in private. I can see why he feels he needs to, but doing it in the bed while you’re sleeping is a bit gross.

The bed shaking and waking you isn’t good but other than that I really feel for the guy.

@BlueBeeMee when did you sit your dh down and talk to him about not having sex again . What did you agree would happen moving forward ?
It’s dis respectful doing this in the bed beside you . I’d also tell him he is weakening you up . Maybe it time for separate beds. .

However you can’t decide that your dh sex life is over because you have decided yours is .