Partner accepted a year-long overseas posting without consulting me. Says she "would have said yes anyway."

[YourShyPlayer]

Together for 2 years. We live together in the same city, both working professionals. We have concrete plans to relocate abroad together in 2028. We've discussed marriage. I recently told my family about her, which was a massive deal culturally and caused weeks of family conflict on my side.

Yesterday, her company offered her a year-long posting overseas. Her bosses asked her if she'd be willing to go. They asked. Not ordered. She said yes on the spot without talking to me. I found out by text message afterwards.

The country is currently in an active conflict zone. Our government has issued its second-highest travel warning. Hundreds of nationals have been evacuated. Major banks and tech companies are pulling staff out. The only alternative her company offered was a country with one of the highest rates of violence against women in the world.

When we talked last night, she said sorry for not consulting me. Then said she would have said yes anyway. She said I'm "not a husband", so the company wouldn't take me seriously. She said I don't have clear enough life plans, despite my having told my family about her and us having a shared plan to move abroad together. She said she'd say yes to any international opportunity regardless of location.

I said our relationship isn't transactional — you don't need a marriage certificate to be consulted on decisions that change both our lives. She went silent.

This morning she cried. Said everything I said was true. Said sorry again. But when I asked would you still go — she said yes.

I suggested switching companies to get international experience somewhere safe, somewhere I could visit or join her. Silent again.

Then she asked: "Will you not be with me if I take this?"

I said I'm not OK with my partner going alone to a conflict zone for a year, and I left.

We haven't spoken since.

AIBU for feeling like I don't have a voice in this relationship? Or is she right that without a ring, I don't get a vote?

She probably should have discussed it with you first. However, you’re not married, you don’t have children, so I think she’s not unreasonable to go.

"Together for 2 years. We live together ... I recently told my family about her"

Sorry OP, but feeling like I was someone's dirty little secret would make me less likely to consult them on my life choices.

Thank you both. To clarify, telling my family was delayed because of serious cultural barriers, not because I was hiding her. It took enormous courage and caused a major family rift. It wasn't shame — it was the hardest thing I've ever done FOR us.

Are you using ChatGPT to write your posts?

Your reasons for keeping her a secret is very unlikely to affect how she felt about being kept a secret.

Thats a good point.

Fair enough, no. English isn't my first language, so I tend to overthink how I write. To be honest, I'm just gutted and trying to make sense of it.

You kept her a secret from your family for nearly two years, and when you told them, they reacted really badly?

I wouldn't see my future as being in that relationship either. When you marry someone, it's a package deal where you also get their entire family as in-laws. If the in-laws are hostile, the marriage is untenable. Having witnessed this in my own family, the posting to an active war zone would be pleasant and peaceful by comparison.

I guess being kept secret for years would have that affect

You wouldn't understand unless you came from two opposing cultures. It sounds to me the girl is muslim, and the man is a non-muslim. It's not an easy situation so of course they would keep it secret. Neither of their families may be supportive of the relationship.

Did her family promise her to someone else already, and she is not telling you? She's pressured and is being married off?

I definitely understand because of my own personal experiences

You are not married. It’s a career opportunity that she can only do when she is young and not married. It would be silly for her not to take it. A year is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

I thought two women in a same sex relationship.
Either way it doesn’t sound like the person involved is as vested in the relationship as you OP.
After two years I would have expected some “discussion”.
Please don’t do the pick me dance, this is very indicative of your place in their life; 1000 miles apart.

Oh, mate 😢 She'd rather live in a war zone than with you.

Whatever else is going on - and I assume you'd thoroughly discussed the culture clash, angry family issues - she could hardly make it any clearer that she doesn't value your relationship as you do. I'm sorry.

Let her go, this one wasn't to be. Cry your tears, grit your teeth when your family says they told you so, heal your wounds and then find a woman who loves you as you love her.

Sounds like she is running from the drama.

I think it’s her decision to make, but I can see why you’re hurt. It doesn’t have to signal the end of your relationship. She is presumably young and it’s a good opportunity. She does need to think very carefully given the situation over there. She has said yes, but needs to carefully consider the risks. It might seem ok there, but I heard the government has banned anyone on social media painting it in a negative light. The Uk ran a rescue flight from Dubai yesterday, she needs to think very carefully about this. I get you’re annoyed and hurt, but i’d be flagging that she needs to consider her safety.

I'm surprised at the responses that two years is nothing, she owed OP nothing etc. Two years isn't nothing and this is a serious relationship with plans for marriage. Of course she should have discussed it with you. But if the response was always going to be that she would go, the relationship isn't her priority. So you have to decide if that's good enough for you, and whether you're willing to wait a year. Both of those things are hard to get over.

If the sexes were reversed, the responses might have been a tad different

Was she offered the overseas contract, or was it just a general discussion? Ie. Did her boss just happen to say ask whether she’d be interested in the overseas job, and she replied instantly ‘yes’, as she re may have been a little caught out by the question.

However, if she formally was offered the role, and accepted it, then that’s poor form. She should have discussed it with you.

The ‘I’m not your husband’ , and her intention to work abroad whatever is telling. She sees you as her partner, for now, and not permanent. I’d be hurt by this also. I don’t consider her as a single woman when you’ve been together two years and now living together. That’s a relationship.